Maintaining A Voice

Being a couple doesn't mean you mold into one jumbo human.

Even if you're a couple, you are still two separate people.

This post isn't meant to rip apart relationships, though. I mean I'm in one. I guess I've just learned a few things lately. It's not anything new, but it's been applied...

It's easy to give your all to someone you love, you know. I mean it isn't always easy, but it comes naturally. What I'm saying is that sometimes we find ourselves spiraling in a string of actions that feel strange to us... We give someone something we may not have known we could or were willing to... but it happens. What now? 

Stay calm. It's not the red flag to your relationship unless it is.

Don't worry... in this case it's a happy ending. 

So suddenly you're exposing yourself--your darkness--to someone in a way that's painful but somehow easy... You give someone more than you ever were willing to, and that's okay. You do that out of love, but the important part is to look at yourself during that process.

Look at yourself and question if you've lost your voice or if this is a transitional point in life where you share this and give this much to this person out of love...

I can sit here and tell you that it's been rocky lately. I've been tested in ways that I didn't think I would be, but I've come out of it all stronger.

At one point I sat in my rental and cried. I cried about everything. I cried about an event not knowing then I was crying about my situation. I felt myself get rocked, and I questioned it all. I recently also saw someone dear get rocked and question a lot as well...

Anyways, I questioned my voice. I'm glad to say that I can look at my relationship and know that I have a voice. I can get scared, but I'm not silenced. He's always willing to listen and, more importantly, attack the problem with the right solution.

That's important, because I know I can communicate with my significant other. I haven't given up who I am to please this person. I've grown with them, and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

I look at it and feel lifted... I can't wrap my head around the fact that I've built little routines with someone, either. 

Not in this way that unless you're a part of you might not understand the peace coming from the act itself.

Anyone could look at it as ridiculous. You talk on the phone not accomplishing anything? 

That's not the case. It's a nice routine. Our relationship has incorparated itself into a day from sunrise to sundown and everything else. He does his thing walking around all cutely, because he doesn't want to make noise at home. I tend to split my attention and soak in the comfort of hearing his voice, about his day, telling him how this and that happened. His excitement with his work day is always welcomed.

You text that much?

I can't imagine not wanting to communicate with him. The past few days we've been shorter with each other, and it's made me appreciate his little messages more. I smile at his updates. My heart swells at his love infused texts. I know he can't always be at my beckoning, and we acknowledge the honeymoon phase ending, but it hasn't taken the love with it. I still send him rambly texts, and he still loves them.

You keep his voicemails?

They're stories. I don't keep them all, but the ones that show me something have stuck around. It's the messages with the almost palpable desperation to communicate with me on some level that make me dizzy in a sweet way. It's the way I hear his frustration... I can tell you what happened that day. I hear the way we've grown separately and together in his messages.

I can go on... but the point is that despite of how ridiculously in love you may all see me act... there's a voice there. I'm still Laura. He's someone who scares me in the same way that he can ease me, but I know he wouldn't abuse it. He wouldn't abuse how rocking this love is and the lengths I would go for him. He wouldn't abuse the voice he has and I listen to just as I wouldn't abuse my voice or how he listens to me.

I'm able to let him open doors within me that I've held shut for years. 

Basically, he's in this process of turning me inside out. He's seen the ugly inside and the process of it...

Even then... we're a couple. He loves me with him and on my own. He's not clipping my wings or transforming me into someone unknown. That's important. I'm comfortable and HAPPY with him, and I don't feel silenced or ignored. Sometimes I say too much and probably pain him, but I don't ever feel the need to lighten the load. Is that bad? Not if you know what I mean. I'm honest with him and tell him what he needs to hear even if it isn't what he wants to hear. I think of his well being before his want to hear me. 

I don't find myself adjusting my words or truth... He's not someone I feel I have to be different for to be loved by... if THAT makes sense.

My words aren't meant to cut him, but they are meant for him and his wellbeing. 

I love him in an unconditional way. It's a forgiving love. It's patient. It's timeless. It's growing. It's flexible. 

It's afraid, sometimes, and even jumps to conclusions but takes the risk to communicate and ease the wrinkles along the way.

It's domestic in the way that I find peace just laying beside him... His presence alone is enough. 

Having met him has changed my life, and I don't want him to ever forget it...

But I would never lose my identity to him, and that's important for anyone. 

The person you love should not take your identity away

You shouldn't try to take someone's identity

It's that simple...

You're probably wondering how any of this correlates with having a voice or anything really. It does, though. I promise.

Being in a relationship requires compromise, and sometimes one party compromises more... it happens. There will be times that happens, and it needs to be done for the right reasons. You're the judge of that bit, though...

That's why you need to have a voice. You can't melt into one. It's good to be an unbreakable force, but you need your individuality. A person has two separate legs that work together. They don't mold into one... They stay two separate legs but become a great pair. lol

You need to come out and communicate to maintain a relationship. I've always been a strong believer that in order to fully be in a healthy relationship, you need to fully embrace yourself first.

Maintaining a voice is maintaining individuality. You can't be an individual if you haven't allowed yourself that pleasure. 

My advice is to enjoy single life. There's no rush to fall in love or have someone. What for? They won't add to your value. A MAN/WOMAN does NOT... I repeat does NOT give you value. YOU are valuable. YOU matter. YOU on your OWN are already important.

Don't look to life as lacking when you're on your own. Enjoy yourself. Embrace yourself. Never look to yourself as requiring a faceless individual to be whole.

You will meet someone and it could be amazing, but it will fall apart if you can't be yourself. Being in a relationship is level 2 of being single--single life is level 1. You learn things in level 1 that are required for level 2.

In other words, being single will give you a voice and teach you what you'll need to know to maintain it.

Don't sacrifice who you are for anyone. Growth in a relationship is very different from sacrificing yourself. Know the difference.

Loving someone is never wanting to silence them.

Xx

6 Months Into Forever

Time stops when I see him... but then it doesn't. It's like time has a skip to it. It's the skip I get in my step when I'm just too excited to stay in my skin.

Yesterday was our six months, and it might seem minuscule to some people... but it was everything to me. It wasn't a matter of the time but the treasure I see in "us."

We went a week without seeing each other, him being in a different state, just being overall busy to spending a wonderful evening together, nonetheless,  and waking up in his arms this morning.

It was perfect.

The only thing I wish would have been different was the amount of time I got with him.

I can't picture a day I won't want that constant contact. I can surely see the days we grow frustrated with each other over dumb things and other not so dumb things, but I can already tell you, or anyone, that he's that person for me... What I mean by that person is that he's the person I will fight for and always want to make things work with. He's the person who will always receive compromises from me, without a doubt. He's the person whose sides I want to know... all of them, even the ones he may be ashamed of. He's the person for me... the person I want to be with at my highest and lowest. He's the person I'm the most comfortable with in a very different way than the rest of the world.

It's crazy how it all plays out.

Yesterday was our first concert together. Did I mention it was the Saint Pablo Tour? Yeaaah. Yeezy yeezy yeezy.

It was great.

It was just bizarre, though. My friends know I will sing along, dance, and just get lost in it really.
I wasn't crazy.

I wasn't bouncing off walls. I was buzzing in a very calm way. I was soothed, and it was all Jacques.

I was so enamored by him... even more than before.

I didn't feel the need to sing along, because I wanted to hear him sing along. I wonder if that's part of loving someone. I've always been the talkative one, and I still am... but I just seem to want to hear the sound of his voice.

I was getting my nails done on Tuesday, and the ladies adore him. We were all talking, it was mainly them asking me questions I would shyly answer. There was one observation that echoed during Kanye, last night. It was that while I was so talkative and lively I seemed to calm down with him. I maintained my light and beauty but in a sense of awe... I became a little quieter and let him talk. I look to him with loving eyes and just soak in his words.

It's true.

It's not that I change, but I'm a specific side of myself with him. I'm a very content side... I'm a side that I only am with him... a side I only want to direct to him.


We celebrated our 6 months in such a beautiful way. We got to see Kanye, which some people might not get, but it goes back to almost 7 months ago... give or take.

He drove up one day with a copy of PABLO. I felt my heart do a backflip as he looked to me with that smile and handed me the CD. I can't explain what went through my head exactly in that moment, other than realizing this guy thought about me.

We had spent hours beforehand, already, talking about Kanye. You could say Kanye was at the start of it all. I mean he was! It's surreal, really, how that burnt CD got us to today.

At one point it was back in his hands, and then he placed it on my car. That little trading of the CD started it all. That call that followed... that's a story forever imprinted in my heart.

There was nothing effortless and yet everything was effortless about how we got together in the sense that the fit has been natural from the start. Work, though, is something we've had to put into this in the healthiest of ways.

It's this gradual commitment I see us coming to. He said something last night, actually.

"I'm tying myself down to you. That's what I'm doing, let that be known. I'm one of those that is walking in and closing the door behind him."

Those words, however short of a moment, took my feelings by storm. They were out of the blue, unexpected... but welcomed. I felt his grip tighten, and I forgot about how I had worn a pair of heeled boots without breaking them in... aka I was having trouble.

The night felt like a nice commemoration of these past 6 months. It was nice to see how we went from strangers to sharing a bed together and yet I make him turn around while I change. He lets me have it, though. He lets me have it all. He takes my indecisiveness and rolls with it. He takes my stubbornness and adjusts to it. He takes me as a whole at my best and worst.

The night was full of moments that made my heart swell with love.

He dressed the bed while I played with a blanket. He changed and cuffed his shirt while he didn't notice how in love I grew with him in that room...

He paced the hallway, and I heard the squeaking of his shoes, while I did my makeup in a poorly lit bathroom, but I couldn't stop smiling in there.


The way he looked at me and slipped his hands onto my hips.

How he so excitedly opened the car door to the perfect surprise... a vinyl that went back to the mixed CD he made me for my birthday, a single rose, and such a heart-filled card. I was shocked and just so so in love to read his words... his love. It was unexpected, and I wanted to jump into his arms. I want to hug him right now and kiss him for hours.

I want to go back to that room and just spend a day with him without the outside world interrupting us....

Even driving to The Forum was a nice drive.

He was amazing. The way he held me during the show... The way he jumped up, too... omg.

The way he would kiss me mid songs. I just can't even explain it without feeling light headed.

The thing is every moment with him has been a line in OUR movie. I wish I could stop time and sit down with him to watch our lives come together... watch it all play back from the beginning to now and after...

I swear he makes fun of me with his best friend. I'm sure of it, but then he looks at me... and there's moments in particular that he looks at me like I'm his world... I wonder if he thinks of all the teasing things he says and realizes that he's a fool for me... that he loves me in a way he, himself, could never measure

Because I'm the first to say I am crazy. I'm crazy for him. I am a fool. I'm a fool for him.

It's all just like a puzzle. All of these pieces are building a picture of us for the future, and I want it even when those pieces don't seem to match up. I want the struggles and joys, but I want them with him.


No other person than him.

I want his sweet singing in my ear. I want his curious hands and his heavy breathing. I want his silly faces and his selective patience. I want to end my nights in his arms and start my days lost in his eyes.


I want a lifetime with him and then some.
I want this life and the next.
I want his soul and mine to stay intertwined like our limbs at night.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

I can't every say that too many times.

My head is foggy.
My eyes are tired.

I know he's out there having fun at round 3 with his best friend at Kanye, and I'm so happy knowing he's having the time of his life... but I want to say more. I want my eyes to stay open. I want to write it all. I want to say it all.


But I guess there are some things that will have to wait to be said as my eyes grow heavy, and I admit that being with him makes all the difference... I'll leave it at that. Everything is better when we're together.

I never want to run from him.
I always want to run with him.

I want him to know

I just want him to know it all. I want him to want it all. I want to do it all with him.

Snapshots

Something inside of me has changed.

My feet are planted when it comes to him.

And “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him]. Don’t need no butterflies when [he gives] me the whole damn zoo…”

I guess you could say I’m just so happy and so very happy with him.

It feels like I’m spinning in joyous circles.

As time inches forward, I find myself more at peace. Life is interesting like that. It’s easy to look at relationships and question them. Why are two people so dependent on each other, right?

It’s easy to say that from the outside.

It’s easy to judge something you don’t know especially when all you know serves to support that shortsighted and just closed-minded view you’ve developed…

I’m not someone who has all the answers.

I don’t have any answers really, but I felt like I was in on a secret as I was tugging his hand to the log ride and skipping with his eyes drinking in the view.

I guess being with him feels like I am in on a secret the me a few months ago wouldn’t have comprehended.

Now, it’s no secret I’ve been hurt, in the past, too. I wouldn’t say that made me bitter, though, but it definitely stripped a layer of trust in my own judgment.

There’s a melting of your soul that happens when you believe in someone so much, and they go ahead tearing all of the safety blankets you’ve taken a life to create.

Having your heart be plunged into with sharpened knives does something to you mentally and emotionally. Your soul is melted, like I said, and it’s transferred over from that naïve state into a chamber of safety. All guards are up, but in the process you lose some parts of your soul. They’re left out in a different room; they’re no longer in the pilot’s seat… for then, at least.

Long story short, it sucks.

Then you meet one person.

Cliché, innit?

It feels like all the pieces of me are coming back to me, but they’re better now. Those pieces have grown up as have I, even when they weren’t with me all the time.

I guess that’s what I mean by saying, “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him].”

I was so focused on myself and building that empire, which I will do… but I lost sight of the simple matters. I forgot I wasn’t quite whole. I wanted to keep that hole, except he didn’t give me the chance to keep him away.

It’s a fear of being a fool who only crushes their own sanity… repeating mistakes of a lifetime’s lessons.

I didn’t want to think about the affairs of my heart. I didn’t want to intertwine, right?

I kept telling myself that. I wasn’t looking for any of it, and I might have closed myself off completely… but I wasn’t ready until I met him.

Maybe that’s how it works. You’re never ready until you meet that special person.

It’s not life changing. The light doesn’t envelope them in a surreal glow… your fears are present. You scramble and make fools of yourselves… sometimes hurting each other in the process… but not everything is a clean break, anyways.

What I’m saying is you’ll get it one day, if you don’t yet.

I could practically go on about how you have no idea the surprise that awaits you.

Be warned, though, you might have people around you screaming fool.

They’ll either stop, or you’ll let go of them.

I’ve learned that you can’t hold people to who they were and sometimes you need to remember that you can’t mold your happiness to suit everyone around you.

Don’t abandon your life and friends… that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am saying, though, that you shouldn’t be put in the situation where you’re constantly being belittled for being happy with someone.

They’re not “That’s So Raven” lol

It’s all I’m saying

People who love you will support you and won’t “victim blame you” in a sense.

Your relationships with others will change, though, and that’s normal, because not everyone will be what you thought they would be.

You’ll know if that’s on you or them, though

You’ll grow out of the petty environment

Priorities change

Life is a larger spectrum of colors, and you’ll take off with a blazing light speed

You’ll see who tries to tie boulders to your ankles and who just makes sure you don’t burn so close to the sun

Every relationship is different and reserved to the individual, though, so they don’t get to belittle what you love or WHO you love. REMEMBER THAT.

Friends won’t do that…

No one gets to define your relationship but the two of you…

Be happy. Enjoy your love. Enjoy YOUR life.

It’s great. I promise. 

I can tell you that he's blown me out of the water. He goes to my lecture halls with me and sits there supporting me during the times I need it most. He wipes away the tears I'm too stubborn to let other see. He encourages me to take the jumps I'm too scared I won't land, but he reminds me it's my choice. I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself with him, and I've shared with him things no one else will get. I trust him like no other, and he's the only one I want to share all of it with. He's it. 

I'm so endlessly intrigued by him wanting to know it all about him and sharing every bit of me he didn't see growing up. 

I've shown him pictures of me in ridiculous outfits with thumbs up and colorful sweaters. 

I've seen adorable pictures of him... and my heart swells even more.

All of him makes me fall for him even at his worst it's never someone I'd leave. It's not a matter of how much I can take but how will we help each other? How will we grow through this? What's going to be our story?

I look at him and see a lifetime. I don’t mean a fairy tale. I mean a life full of bumps that I want to face with him. I see a mortgage and children. I see trips and ridiculous work events where we drag each other. I see inside jokes and ridiculous pictures. It’s an array of memories I would never give up.

It’s countless of journal entries extracted from my heart.

It’s a love injected directly into my bloodstream that no longer can be stopped.

I hope everyone gets to experience this at some point in time.

I’m terrified of falling, but I feel safe with him.

I’m terrified and my heart feels like it can’t stop, so I cling to him on that ride.

It takes one ride, and I realize how okay I am with facing fears and anxiety seems to trickle off my back like a ghost of a past life… I feel something growing inside and can’t get over it… How he naturally holds me. How happy I am under the poorly lit ambiance next to the pony express where I can’t possibly look beautiful oogling over the ICEE, but his eyes somehow think I do. 

My heart was so joyous on that merry go round, those spinning hats, jaguar… the log ride! Those spinning hats were so fun, though! Hahaha It was quite a representation of how these feelings caught me off guard all those months ago…. How they spun us around and tossed us on our heads even. It was such a perfect time. I had a great time with him last night and appreciate those moments. Then again it comes to the point that doing things is really fun, and you’ll enjoy them… but it’s the company that makes the experience.

We sat on a pier not so long ago. It was dark. You could just hear the crashing of waves on rocks. The idea of falling wasn’t really present in my mind. The never-ending darkness didn’t weigh at my ankles. I wasn’t scared. I was in bliss. The moment was treasurable with him by my side. I enjoyed my view, but it was just the background. I still wanted to look at him. It was ours, and I’ve never been one to share before I met him.

Suddenly I want to share everything with him. I want the snapshots of life with us in every one.

 Us always the focus...

I'm so sweetly falling and crashing in the tides of our love, and I don't want to ever fight the waves. It took us a while, but all of his scars and mistakes have become my own. We've caught each other and intertwined so beautifully. He's seen my flowers and roots, loving them equally...

It's going to be such a ride, and I'll surely hide my face in his chest when I'm scared, but I'll trust him to hold me tight when I need it and open my eyes when I'm too stubborn to do it on my own. It's just so natural, whatever we do.

And every day I'm still choosing to fall for him. 

This love, it's never-ending.

Xx

Just Don't Touch My Soul With Dirty Hands

That's the secret, right?

I've given you my soul and opened doors for you to walk through, but I just hope you remember to never touch me with dirty hands. Is it too rash to say I know you wouldn't, though? I guess it's just the trust I have in you talking...

With the sun going down and your heart beating steady I can't help but sprawl my body out against yours. Our legs so casually tangled and my hands memorizing you like the intricate lines of my favorite pattern...

My fingertips feel the stubble grow, and I can't help giggle. You hate to shave... but you do it anyway. I LOVE when you shave, but I've learned to love the way your stubble feels against my skin.

It's bliss... being with you.
It's bliss seeing the way your eyes look at me.
It's bliss sharing every piece of me with you.

The way you talk about me to others even as I can't understand what you're saying makes my heart grow. Your love is clear, and I can't help but want to hold your hand. I can't help but want to explain how you're the sunlight I look to.

I can't help but let my soul turn to mush as a lifetime with you plays in my head. I can't help but gasp as I catch myself wanting to be old with you.

It's bliss.

I tell you silly stories and sometimes squeeze one out of you. You're a little harder to crack, but it's so special when you do share things with me. It's great when your whispers fill my ears.

My heart does a little dance every time you give me THAT smile. You kiss me and tell me little things not knowing how much it means to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat. Is that silly? Maybe.

I have a lifetime with you, and yet I just want to know you better now. I can't get my fill of you, and I don't see it happening any time in our lives.

Sometimes there's nothing to be said in that moment, but I seem to just invent it as I go. If only to hold that communication with you. We can talk about anything! I don't care if I'm on a ramble or spilling a fear... like I said it just comes out, and I'm okay with it as it goes.

I never seem to run out of tenderness for you.

I keep reaching for you, because I need to feel you close.

The small window is closing, and we have to face this coming struggle together, but I have no doubt we will.

You've given me an extra backbone even while I'm sick feeling like a lifeless body... you give me something I can't describe. Even if it's just the strength to open my eyes... You give me that, and I'm able to share my love with you for that moment longer.

I hope you excuse my bad writing and emotional tsunami of words. I guess you do that to me. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that the rawness in my writing is evident. It's not polished how people expect, because I want you to see. I want you to understand that I don't care whether my words are delivered beautifully, because they're meant beautifully. They're genuine, and I don't sit here thinking of how to say what it is I want to say. I just try to show you my heart. No, I just show you my heart and hope that that's beauty enough for you.

I wonder if you remember me telling you how much I enjoy a particular writer's style. She's someone who is typically very heavy in their influence on my style. I haven't embraced it in a while, which is good to be honest. She was quite tortured, but there are some beautiful things she wrote.

There's one thing in particular that I read, and I hope you see the beauty in it. It's how I feel for you...

"In a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second."

You see, whether we are physically near or far... you're with me. You are in the borders of my mind and in the entirety of my heart. We will get through time and have so many more memories to hold.

I'll forever hold the summer nights of tangled limbs with your smile looking into me. I'll forever hold the moments you told me you loved me, because you could, so you did... so I'd never forget, but I couldn't when you show me every day. I'll always hold these memories of us holding hands and even the pouting moments you get in your head. I'll always be full of you, and I'll always cry for you. If anyone is worth the tears, it's you.

I guess what I'm saying is some people wait around hoping they're enough for someone, but even as strangers we knew each other in a way other people don't understand. You're enough for me. You're what I want and want to keep... You make me feel like I'm the same for you, and there's nothing more wonderful than that to me.

A lifetime of you and me, cause there's a part of me I keep under lock and key... But somehow your key fits perfectly with me, and there's only one key, baby, so I hope you keep it close to you for me.

A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...

Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...

He Doesnt Even Know

He doesn't even know just how deep my love goes for him...

He's intertwined himself with me, and I want him in every aspect.
I want the rainy days with him and the days where it feels like we're all walking candles melting away.
I want the exciting days and the calm ones.
I want everything with him.

I want the complexity and simplicity of life with him.

He's the one I want to fall asleep tangled with and the one I want to wake up peppering with kisses for a lifetime and then some.
 
I want the messy pillow forts that have him in them. I want to be the little spoon to his big spoon. I want to fill our fort with giggles, wandering hands, not knowing where to settle. Being in that moment, together, nothing else bothering us... feeling safe in his arms... That is what I want a lifetime of.

He kisses me until my knees buckle and my cheeks flush the color of cherries. Whenever I even think of him, my heart flutters, my stomach flips. It's all something out of a dream.

I've been talking about the way he takes away my breath... it's something bigger than myself. I couldn't start to explain it without a dizzy head.

The first time he whispered, “I love you,” I heard it over and over again in my head for days. It felt so right... I was dizzy with his love.

When we kiss, the world around us dissolves. It's just him and me, and I can't help but drown so wonderfully. When I'm with him, the world stops turning. Time is suspended; it's only us, and I'm so in love with the forever we've created.

He's the person I want to share my life with, every nook of me is an open book to him even the pages I can't quite read...

I never knew someone would look at me the way he does, and the considerate thoughtfulness in all he says and does only makes me love him more each day.

Fireworks

So I look in your direction with lights flashing and dancing in your eyes… The eyes I yearn to look at when I’m alone at night or in a crowd with faces that aren’t yours.

Yeah, I’ve always been waiting for you. Do you see me? Do you hear me?

Do I need to make it louder and clearer? You’re something beyond my years. I couldn’t start to explain what this is with you.

You’re someone I’d paint a million sunsets for. I’d drive hundreds of miles to see you.

Nothing could be better than the moments I’ve shared with you… My stomach drops thinking… just thinking…

I laugh at your lame jokes and feel my heart flutter at the sweet melody of your voice.

The alcohol coursing through your veins that I taste on your lips seems to have given you a little something new… Now you’re singing. You’ve only done this once before. I don’t think you remember serenading me that day, but this is better with your shy little gleam…

I can’t help the blood rising on my cheeks. I can’t help the way my heart does a backflip with every little lyric you sing in my ear. Paradise is when I’m with you…

I feel fear clutch my heart as an attempt to hold onto some sort of control, but it’s as if your love has become a repellent to that need… There’s no need for that control anymore.

Not with you.

How crazy am I at this point? Insane? Maybe? In love? Definitely.

I’m looking at fireworks in awe of their beauty, but the real firecracker is beside me. I can’t look away from you as hard as I could try to… The one I look to in awe of his humanity… That’s you. You’re more than what meets the eye. Your surface is beautiful but nothing compared to the core.

Every firework above us goes off with power… yet they’re fleeting. They come and go followed by more… No two are the same. They’re all beautiful, nonetheless. See, I’m not afraid of time, because I know we aren’t a single firework. We’re a show of lights without intention of ending a moment sooner than intended.

See… No two of our memories are the same. Yet, they go on and off like the fireworks above us. They’re followed by more each time, and they’re all beautiful. They aren’t permanent, but their length doesn’t diminish their existence. I guess that’s a thing… I know memories are moments in time. Their existence and importance, however, is still real and held dear. I hold them dear the same way I still see the patterns and lights going off behind closed eyes. What has passed isn’t erased. I revisit us in ways I couldn’t start to explain.

I promise you this. I’m sensitive. I cry. I fear.

I’ll be scared of losing you… But so be it. Sometimes I’ll hide. Sometimes I’ll be weak and need you to fall on, and I know you won’t run unless it’s to my side. I hope you’ll catch me when I stumble. I guess I just have that confidence in what we have.

I just never meant to be trouble. I hope you know that.

I’ll never let my fears stop me from enjoying the fireworks, though. I look at you, and I see a light show nothing could ever compare to. I have the best view, and I’d never give that up. I hope you know that, too.

I want to be good to you. I want to show you sparks I never imagined I’d ever show anyone.

Maybe you’ll understand me a little more somehow or know if you could possibly still see the sparks I see day in and day out in a lifetime that paints you by my side.

If you want that, anyways.

White Sheets

I crave the feeling of his skin on mine, and his pulse synchronizing with my own.

I crave the snaking of his arms around me instinctively and subconsciously pulling me the ever slightest closer to him while he still resides in dreamland.

I crave the softness of his lips on my shoulders and neck; the way he peppers me with kisses until they slow down, and his eyes start to flutter shut.

I crave the feeling of our limbs tangling up with each other and the way our legs find their rightful place in time…

Any other type of sleeping is a waste of time, now that I’ve found myself only wanting this with him. He makes me feel like I’m sharing secrets with another world, one only we can access.

I can’t get enough of his smell mixing with my own.

I smell him on me for hours and find my heart swelling and growing dizzy with every passing second.

I want the white sheets with him and sweet melodies of his whispers becoming steady breathing.

I want the slight breeze of the open window and pesky rays of light that try to tear us from the sweetness of this sanctuary we’ve come to treasure so much.

I want to roll him over and watch him smile as I lightly kiss his nose.

I want to be a mess of sheets with him and always feel that little tightened grip he has on my hips the moment I kiss him.

I want the countless mornings filled with his smiles and my blushing face hiding under the white sheets and his chest.

I want him and everything that comes with the white sheets, whether it’s at night, morning, or during the day. I want the package of him and I with the white sheets we’ll get tangled in from here on out. 

Blending Colors

I think in colors. Memories are colors. Dreams are colors. Feelings are colors. Love is a color. Being in love is actually a set of colors blending... reds, blues, whites, greys, greens... all of them.

I can sit here telling you about the way we wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night. I can sit here telling you about all the memories made, but none of that will show you how it all blends. None of it will sum it up.

That's the thing, love is a beautiful picture with blending in places you didn't think would be necessary. It's so beautiful and intricate... If you stop and think about it, it takes your breath away.

There's stages to it like any painting or drawing, though. Sometimes steps don't have an order, either... each one is different. The thing is they each have their beauty. There's no point in trying to recreate something. Individuality and originality is key. No two loves are the same.

I guess you can say I'm scared at times by this. For someone who is scared of it all but held back by nothing, I'm quite amusing to mock, probably. I just find myself surrounded by colors. It's overwhelming, because I didn't think they'd all appear now. Do I have a problem with it? No. I'm glad it happened how it did.

There's just this heavy load on my chest that feels like someone holding my heart. This is so immense it suffocates me, and I find myself choosing that as my preferred way of death. Lets be honest... there's no easy thing about this, but I'd dip my hands into fire to keep this feeling. I'd keep it even if it was my cause of death.

Look, nothing worth having comes easy, and love is worth the frustrations, work, confusion, tears, laughs... all of it. It does make me dizzy, though. It's like control has slipped my fingertips, and I don't find myself grasping for it to come back.

Maybe only fools fall in love. I don't know. I might just be the biggest fool, then. Well I'm a mighty happy fool.

I just know that there's a set of colors I didn't know surrounding and enveloping me in ways I didn't know were meant for me.

The scary part is time. Does love fade with time?

That's what we all have to fear, right? That and complacency. No one wants to stay in a loveless relationship out of obligation.

Well DOES love fade?
Not the love, the excitement of a honeymoon stage does. Love can leave if it isn't tended... it isn't something you should take for granted, but it isn't doomed. Love is a choice that you make every day, and if you want it, then you have to put the same effort into it. Fading and evolving are two different things, though.

So many people misinterpret change as an end. Loving someone has its own stages, but it doesn't have to end. There's a honeymoon stage, of course, and that can come in the beginning, later on, and even more than once. The thing is it doesn't last, the honeymoon stage that is. Love in itself can and will last as long as you tend to it.

Love requires time, trust, and prioritizing. Everything requires time to build. A relationship will have different colors and sometimes the blending won't be perfect, but it isn't about making the square fit the circle... You have to allow it to develop. So many people leave after the honeymoon stage ends. There's complacency, then there's irrational complacency. You see so many people think that love has to be that exciting feeling. It isn't always. They either become complacent in a bad situation or become complacent in not committing.

Both seem sad to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone I don't love, and I wouldn't want to be stuck in a honeymoon trance.

Love has so many layers. It becomes better after the honeymoon stage, so I'd hate to only know that.
I mean love becomes familiarity. Love becomes the calm after the storm while being the crashing waves on the shore. Love is missing someone and coming home to them, because you want to tell them about your day. Love is sometimes needing space to miss each other. Love is wanting to share heaven and hell with someone. Love is everything and nothing. Love is a bond. Love is a choice. Love is wonderful and hurtful, but it's worth it...

Basically, love requires time to grow into more than infatuation and hormones. It requires trust to show every color on the palette. You need to trust the other person to not leave even when they're tempted with something new... because that does happen. New isn't always better, at least in the long run. People find excitement in the first experiences, though, but that's not a way to live.

You can only do so many firsts before that isn't enough. Why give up a tree for a cut flower? A tree has roots that will outlive a flower you can't plant like the tree.

Not everyone will accept your faults and care for you, but the ones who do love you. I mean think about it... It's scary knowing you won't have another first kiss or first date with someone... things like that, but there's someone out there for everyone that you wouldn't mind giving up that for.

Prioritizing your relationship is also important. The things that once were number one become second, third, or they might not even matter anymore. You aren't giving up who you are... that's not what you want. You do change, though, on your own and together. You're still two individuals, but you're together now. You just have to prioritize your love... like I said, effort. You put in the same effort if not more.

Blending colors aren't always pretty at first. Sometimes you need to use your fingers to pay extra attention to the spots that look blotchy.

I don't know. Maybe all of this is a rambling mess. Maybe I have a point. I don't know what to say. I'm writing this in a car, because I can't sleep just yet.

I guess you could say companionship is on my mind, but it's not even that. I don't want just a companion. I want someone I love until the end. I want to build a life with someone I love in more ways than one... I don't mind the work, but it's just a waiting game now. I guess forty years from now we'll know how it ends, right?


We'll see. I can't read minds or hearts. I just know what's inside mine for now and believe the rest.

Xx