Snapshots

Something inside of me has changed.

My feet are planted when it comes to him.

And “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him]. Don’t need no butterflies when [he gives] me the whole damn zoo…”

I guess you could say I’m just so happy and so very happy with him.

It feels like I’m spinning in joyous circles.

As time inches forward, I find myself more at peace. Life is interesting like that. It’s easy to look at relationships and question them. Why are two people so dependent on each other, right?

It’s easy to say that from the outside.

It’s easy to judge something you don’t know especially when all you know serves to support that shortsighted and just closed-minded view you’ve developed…

I’m not someone who has all the answers.

I don’t have any answers really, but I felt like I was in on a secret as I was tugging his hand to the log ride and skipping with his eyes drinking in the view.

I guess being with him feels like I am in on a secret the me a few months ago wouldn’t have comprehended.

Now, it’s no secret I’ve been hurt, in the past, too. I wouldn’t say that made me bitter, though, but it definitely stripped a layer of trust in my own judgment.

There’s a melting of your soul that happens when you believe in someone so much, and they go ahead tearing all of the safety blankets you’ve taken a life to create.

Having your heart be plunged into with sharpened knives does something to you mentally and emotionally. Your soul is melted, like I said, and it’s transferred over from that naïve state into a chamber of safety. All guards are up, but in the process you lose some parts of your soul. They’re left out in a different room; they’re no longer in the pilot’s seat… for then, at least.

Long story short, it sucks.

Then you meet one person.

Cliché, innit?

It feels like all the pieces of me are coming back to me, but they’re better now. Those pieces have grown up as have I, even when they weren’t with me all the time.

I guess that’s what I mean by saying, “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him].”

I was so focused on myself and building that empire, which I will do… but I lost sight of the simple matters. I forgot I wasn’t quite whole. I wanted to keep that hole, except he didn’t give me the chance to keep him away.

It’s a fear of being a fool who only crushes their own sanity… repeating mistakes of a lifetime’s lessons.

I didn’t want to think about the affairs of my heart. I didn’t want to intertwine, right?

I kept telling myself that. I wasn’t looking for any of it, and I might have closed myself off completely… but I wasn’t ready until I met him.

Maybe that’s how it works. You’re never ready until you meet that special person.

It’s not life changing. The light doesn’t envelope them in a surreal glow… your fears are present. You scramble and make fools of yourselves… sometimes hurting each other in the process… but not everything is a clean break, anyways.

What I’m saying is you’ll get it one day, if you don’t yet.

I could practically go on about how you have no idea the surprise that awaits you.

Be warned, though, you might have people around you screaming fool.

They’ll either stop, or you’ll let go of them.

I’ve learned that you can’t hold people to who they were and sometimes you need to remember that you can’t mold your happiness to suit everyone around you.

Don’t abandon your life and friends… that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am saying, though, that you shouldn’t be put in the situation where you’re constantly being belittled for being happy with someone.

They’re not “That’s So Raven” lol

It’s all I’m saying

People who love you will support you and won’t “victim blame you” in a sense.

Your relationships with others will change, though, and that’s normal, because not everyone will be what you thought they would be.

You’ll know if that’s on you or them, though

You’ll grow out of the petty environment

Priorities change

Life is a larger spectrum of colors, and you’ll take off with a blazing light speed

You’ll see who tries to tie boulders to your ankles and who just makes sure you don’t burn so close to the sun

Every relationship is different and reserved to the individual, though, so they don’t get to belittle what you love or WHO you love. REMEMBER THAT.

Friends won’t do that…

No one gets to define your relationship but the two of you…

Be happy. Enjoy your love. Enjoy YOUR life.

It’s great. I promise. 

I can tell you that he's blown me out of the water. He goes to my lecture halls with me and sits there supporting me during the times I need it most. He wipes away the tears I'm too stubborn to let other see. He encourages me to take the jumps I'm too scared I won't land, but he reminds me it's my choice. I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself with him, and I've shared with him things no one else will get. I trust him like no other, and he's the only one I want to share all of it with. He's it. 

I'm so endlessly intrigued by him wanting to know it all about him and sharing every bit of me he didn't see growing up. 

I've shown him pictures of me in ridiculous outfits with thumbs up and colorful sweaters. 

I've seen adorable pictures of him... and my heart swells even more.

All of him makes me fall for him even at his worst it's never someone I'd leave. It's not a matter of how much I can take but how will we help each other? How will we grow through this? What's going to be our story?

I look at him and see a lifetime. I don’t mean a fairy tale. I mean a life full of bumps that I want to face with him. I see a mortgage and children. I see trips and ridiculous work events where we drag each other. I see inside jokes and ridiculous pictures. It’s an array of memories I would never give up.

It’s countless of journal entries extracted from my heart.

It’s a love injected directly into my bloodstream that no longer can be stopped.

I hope everyone gets to experience this at some point in time.

I’m terrified of falling, but I feel safe with him.

I’m terrified and my heart feels like it can’t stop, so I cling to him on that ride.

It takes one ride, and I realize how okay I am with facing fears and anxiety seems to trickle off my back like a ghost of a past life… I feel something growing inside and can’t get over it… How he naturally holds me. How happy I am under the poorly lit ambiance next to the pony express where I can’t possibly look beautiful oogling over the ICEE, but his eyes somehow think I do. 

My heart was so joyous on that merry go round, those spinning hats, jaguar… the log ride! Those spinning hats were so fun, though! Hahaha It was quite a representation of how these feelings caught me off guard all those months ago…. How they spun us around and tossed us on our heads even. It was such a perfect time. I had a great time with him last night and appreciate those moments. Then again it comes to the point that doing things is really fun, and you’ll enjoy them… but it’s the company that makes the experience.

We sat on a pier not so long ago. It was dark. You could just hear the crashing of waves on rocks. The idea of falling wasn’t really present in my mind. The never-ending darkness didn’t weigh at my ankles. I wasn’t scared. I was in bliss. The moment was treasurable with him by my side. I enjoyed my view, but it was just the background. I still wanted to look at him. It was ours, and I’ve never been one to share before I met him.

Suddenly I want to share everything with him. I want the snapshots of life with us in every one.

 Us always the focus...

I'm so sweetly falling and crashing in the tides of our love, and I don't want to ever fight the waves. It took us a while, but all of his scars and mistakes have become my own. We've caught each other and intertwined so beautifully. He's seen my flowers and roots, loving them equally...

It's going to be such a ride, and I'll surely hide my face in his chest when I'm scared, but I'll trust him to hold me tight when I need it and open my eyes when I'm too stubborn to do it on my own. It's just so natural, whatever we do.

And every day I'm still choosing to fall for him. 

This love, it's never-ending.

Xx