Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...

Being ♀ (Means Being Whatever You Want to Be)

Being a woman means I bleed every month.
Simple, right?

It's more than that, though...

Being a woman means being sexualized before I'm ever objectively analyzed.
Being a woman means being seen as the weaker of the two sexes.
Being a woman means having people tell me I shouldn't be out when the sun is down unless a man is with me.
Being a woman means the majority of people putting me second best to a man.
Being a woman means usually having to do double the work to be able hold my own.
Being a woman means being called a slut for what men are praised for.

Society has these sick, delusional standards/ideas in regards to being a woman, but they've never stopped me before.

Where my mother was very careful to plant these thoughts, my father never enforced them. I knew they were real life, but he didn't raise me to believe I was meant to cater to men.
I was the little girl that ran after him and my brother and was never told I couldn't do something because of my gender. My brother was the first to tell me I could never know too much.

"Everywhere you go, you need to walk in with veni, vidi, vici in mind."

Maybe that's been the gasoline to my fuel.

I've been lucky in that way...

Because being a woman was never an obstacle other than knowing I bled every month and wouldn't be able to play in the pool. It meant I had breasts (big whoop). It meant others would always sexualize my body, but I wouldn't ever be stumped by it.

It all meant that society was weaker than me. I never had to prove anything to anyone; I just had to do me. My foundation was stronger. I knew this. I embodied this.

And I did it all... I never heard a no for being a girl. Childhood and adolescence was good to me in that way. I'm sure other people around me said no, but I never heard it. It never phased me. I came, I saw, I conquered.

I guess I've always had a mentality that a lot of people only expect from men.

I have no need to rely on anyone; I'm strong on my own. I'm like a tsunami you can't escape. My fears don't drive me. I'm not intimidated easily if at all. I'm confident in myself and turn my weaknesses into strengths on instinct. My initiative can't be matched. My aim is unbelievable, and I adapt in a way many people haven't seen before. It doesn't hurt that I'm smart; I'm wiser beyond my years. I never settle, either. I strive for the best and that's driven by ambition... passion. The list could go on, really.

The point is no man or woman has ever made me crack, but I know if they did... I'd get back up. People have always tried to pull me down, but it's never made me even look at them. They don't know just what I have in me... they're too blinded to even look... to really look at me...


Now, I'm surrounded by an even older generation looking at me as nothing but a spoiled little girl who must be looking to bring them down, because that's all they see... it's what they were taught. They don't see me for what I am other than a kid (in their eyes). They see a barely into adulthood girl who thinks she can fill a role which "men are better at." How foolish of me... I couldn't possibly be a leader in any way, right?

They have no clue.

They're the typical societal voice saying that any woman my age is no where near qualified. To them, every accomplishment I've ever had has to be because of my body. I MUST be selling sexual favors. I MUST know someone. I MUST be doing something other than bulldozing with my talent... Not only because I'm young... but I'm a woman. I'm just an image. I'm an empty visual vessel...


Well, being a woman means more than being a show pony.

I love being a woman, and I won't let anyone tell me what the right way to be me is.

Do I enjoy makeup? Yes. Do I enjoy wearing dresses, skirts, etc? Yes. Why can I only be one or the other? I'm both. I'm a strong impressive woman... who also enjoys the more "feminine" aspects of herself. Yes, I'm young, but that doesn't mean I'm incapable of success.

I've beat out men my age and older with degrees, and it's been based on my talent. Some people are talented... because I know this may be crazy but a degree is just a paper. A degree means you've put in work, but it doesn't always mean you are able to do the work. Plenty of people out there, men and women, are more qualified for positions than people who have degrees. Do I take advantage of the fact that people do sexualize me, though? Yes. Do I give them a reason to? No. I take opportunities even the ones that are fueled by someone looking at me as just a show pony, and they end up surprised when they see I'm much more than they initially thought... That's the thing... I know how the machine works. I understand it's hard for anyone to see me and believe I'm clever. I'm too kind. I'm too this. I'm too that... but really I'm too woman and too young for anyone to accept me as anything other than a show pony they can all oogle over. A lot of the time respect isn't handed to me like it is to men. I have to commend it, but I'm lucky in the way that I can walk into any room and turn heads. That's half the battle...

I'm the best of "both worlds" and there are so many women like me. I know it. This isn't meant to encourage anyone, because there's nothing to encourage us over. We know what we're capable of. We all know what being a woman is to us. Limitations are for the ignorant, and we're anything but that...

Everyone acts like being a woman is a curse, but it isn't. Is it harder? Sure, but we're all strong here. Will they typically pick the man over us? Sure. Will it be a mistake? If the man wasn't the better option, of course!

That's the thing, though... I'm not here to belittle men. There are plenty of women AND men who are currently more qualified than me. My point is that it's a shame that so many people live in a bubble of these specific limitations towards women.

Anyways, I am aware that I am less than some people prefer me to be, but most people are unaware that I am so much more than what they see.

For me, being a woman has made me stronger, smarter, quicker, more determined, level headed... In many ways defying all odds has made me better than I was ever meant to be, and I can't imagine being anything less than this. I want to do it all, and my gender won't stop me. I want to conquer the world professionally and stand side by side to my counterpart. I want to build a family with him. I want a life with him, and all of that is perfectly fine. I can be anything I want to be, and you can do the same.

Being a woman isn't the curse, being ignorant is.

Feminism, by the way, isn't tearing men down. Women aren't better than men. Men aren't better than women. We all have our struggles, but feminism is an equality issue that affects everyone. We should all be seen and treated as equals.

My brother and I are the product of being raised the same way. We never were stumped by gender roles, and I've never been more proud of our upbringing than I am now. I hope that one day more kids are as lucky as we are, because you might not know us... but I promise you guys we're pretty great.

Xx

7 DIY Wedding Decorations

So a lot of people are getting married and spending big bucks on decorations that are OKAY, but are not worth the money (IMO). There's a lot cuter things out there for less money. There's also an extra joy in being hands on... TO ME, at least. Anyways, I'm a sucker for sales, DIYs, you name it... so I obviously figured I'd look into the wedding world. Why not, right? There are so many websites (Green Wedding Shoes was one of the best tbh) with just amazing ideas floating around; it's GREAT! Besides, there's no harm in helping people out when it comes to saving. Here are a few DIY decoration ideas for different weddings that are super cute and might help you save a little here and there and are overall pretty fun.

1. Terrarium Place Holder
This is super cute and easy. It also doubles as a favor while adding loads of personality to any table setting. All you really need are a few things and less than 5 minutes.

Materials:

• Clear glass Christmas ornament
• Wine bottle cork
• Mason jar lid
• Moss
• Sticks
• Silk flower
• Ribbon/String
• Place card   

2. Personalized Coasters
This isn't as DIY as a tool (does that make sense?), but it does class up the wedding and vinyl stickers make everything feel 100% custom. You can really customize anything from coasters to confetti tubes, you name it. It's a nice touch and anyone could do it. Your three year old little cousin could have the job, really! You'll just need to find the perfect vendor to make vinyl stickers of whatever monogram you're working with. Other than that you can find any cheap coasters that go with your color palette. The stickers will class them up, trust me!

Materials:

• Coasters 
• Custom Vinyl stickers

3. Bridesmaid Gift Boxes
This isn't quite a decoration, but it's necessary for every bride and her girls. It's a little thank you box that is also cute and fun to make. Every bride has their style, but here are two different types of boxes. They're essentially the same but different themes. (left box, right box) Target, Ikea, and all those stores have super cute boxes that could fit your individual style. You can either make all of the boxes the same or make them specific to the bridesmaid's taste. This is a fun one, because it's for your girls. You get to put little trinkets in the box that you KNOW they'd like.

Materials:

• Box/Crate
• Confetti
• Name card (with a little thank you note inside)
• Goodies (Jewelry box, nail polish, bath salts, face mist, candle, champagne, etc) 

4. String Heart
This would be even better on a box instead of a board. Hear me out... you can have a wood box at a table (near the newly weds/at the entrance) where people are able to put their wishes, tips, or predictions in through a little slit. Then, you basically keep the box and open it on your first year anniversary. It looks really cute, is creative, and super easy to do.

Materials:

• Wood box
• String
• Box of nails
• Spray paint
• White paper (to draw the heart)
• Hammer

5.  Flowers + Sand Centerpieces
These are super simple, cheap, and cute. A lot of brides spend insane amounts on big pieces when a lot of the time it's the more simple staple pieces that look better (to me, at least). These are easily dressed up with a little of ribbon or look great as is. You can use vases, glasses, etc. You can surround the flower pieces with candles or have them sit on glitter (as displayed in the images).

Materials:

• Clear vases/glass
• Silk flowers of your choice
• Sand (any color you prefer)

6. Floral Parasol
Decorations aren't reserved to the ceremony only. Other than your bridesmaids, you want your little flower girl to match you or the theme in some way. This is a super cute way to incorporate your flowers and colors to her little outfit. Besides, there's a 100% chance she's going to love it. That means you might NOT get to keep it for memories sake, but you'll definitely love the aesthetics of it. You really just need a simple white parasol and silk flowers that are similar to your bouquet or follow the color palette, at least.

Materials:

• Parasol
• Silk flowers
• Glue gun
• Gardening shears

7.  Floral Balloon
This HAS to be my favorite. I just had to leave it for the end. Not only is this a cute and great wedding decoration... it works for other occasions (i.e. birthdays, romantic dinners, anniversary, proposals, parties, etc). It gives an otherwise plane balloon some personality. Besides, it's just really really PRETTY. Can you imagine these as a back drop behind the newly weds or arranged in a circle for a proposal? So many options and so so cute!

Materials:

• Silk flowers
• Greens
• Giant Balloon 
• Floral tape
• Scissors
• Tape
• Twine
• Ribbon/string/etc

Hope you guys enjoyed this as much as I enjoyed finding these adorable DIYs. There are so many options out there. Like I said, Green Wedding Shoes has some of my favorite DIYs. You guys should definitely check them out if you liked this post.

Xx

A Letter to... A Dear Friend

Thank you. Thank you for being that person I can laugh with until it hurts. You’ve seen me after just rolling out of bed and throwing sweats on. You’ve sat in a dreadful class with me during my sweats week and skipped classes for Sephora trips. You’ve seen my hair go through every change and were there when I freaked out after chopping it off. I remember you telling me you’d get me a weave if it would make me feel better. You’d bring me calzones to cheer me up.

We both knew I just needed to let my hair heal, though, but the calzones were appreciated lol. Yet you were so shocked to see my hair be short. I think we all sorta freaked out…

We haven’t known each other for a lifetime, but you’ve given me a friendship of a lifetime

I’ve driven with you in the passenger seat while I obnoxiously sing or dance. We’ve both witnessed each other’s worst driving moments and funniest. We’ve tried to drive through cities in 5 minutes to make it back on time to pick your sister up. No regrets other than forgetting she existed lol.

I’ve stuck my head out of the window and followed that by sitting on the open window letting the wind lick me up while you laugh.

You’ve never seen me cry just struggle. You saw it that one day while I sat on the floor completely defeated. You and I both knew I wasn’t broken, though. I was tired, and you never told me how to fix it. You never tried to fix me, but I never needed that from you. You just let me be and figure it out, because you’ve always known I do. You never doubt me...

You’re one of the only friends who doesn’t oogle over me. We don’t hug or any of that… not really. You’ll be the victim I drag to workouts only to drag you to eat shrimp right after, though.

You’ve given up so much, but you give me more than most friends ever have. There’s this blind support you offer me, where you believe in me.

We sit across from each other laughing and eating wings. There’s that ongoing joke about us talking smack, but it’s really you looking at me with proud eyes. You’re one of the people who looks at me so content like having me in your life has added some sort of color.

Even then…. You’ll be the first to tell me if I’ve fucked up. It’s completely rare, and I think it’s only happened once or twice; that’s it, though, you don’t overreact about me. Your instinct isn’t to suffocate me but to watch me pull through.

I love that. I love that you root for me.

I actually low key love when you send me fire emojis or a collection of wows to compliment me.

I can have insane amounts of fun with you but also just be calm. I'm at ease with you... I don't have to be on guard ready to defend myself. I don't have to prove anything... You never make me feel like I do.

You’ve seen plenty of sides to me. You’ve seen me get physically sick the moment I did something that was just not me. We won’t talk about that lol. It’s funny, though, I guesssss. Haha

You’ve seen me go on cruise control, be a firecracker, be serious, studious, closed off, an open book, upset…

I’ve shared so many sides of myself with you and admitted to so many emotions. I’ve let you see me at the edge of anger. You’ve seen me fuelled by anger… something that isn’t my forte… but you’ve seen it.

You’ve seen me see red and the recipe that provides, but you’ve also understood and seen the root of my core and how vulnerable I am. How strong it makes me. I’m naturally happy, and you know that more than the average person.

You never tell me I’m giving too much… actually you rarely do. You only mention it if you feel I’ve lost sight of reality. Overall, you don’t ever act as if I’m a walking liability.

Being your friend has never been hard. We know each other’s buttons, but we wouldn’t dare press them. I guess that’s one thing that you solidified in me; the ability to drop people and not care.

I have no business in nurturing toxicity… You taught me that was okay; admitting that isn’t bad.

We don’t have to talk all the time, but when we do have those six months of nonstop… I could do it without a break.

I guess our friendship is the way our workouts have always been, huh? We start side to side, and before you take a breath I’m already in the front racing like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll go until my body can’t go anymore, and you’ll high five me with every circle I do around you. You’ll watch me take off full speed and never crash until I’m done, and everything rushes my body. You just remind me that I’m capable of more.

I’ve never felt pressure from your part. I’ve pressured myself, and you’ll be that little voice helping keep me sane.

You cool down the wild fires in me and throw gasoline in the fires that ignite my bones. I always wondered how it is seeing me through your eyes. You watched from an outsider’s view until you were inside. Was I what you expected? I know you hold me so dear. Our friendship is something so special to me, you know… You’ve just never tried to cage me in.

It’s as if any scar you saw didn’t have to be questioned. You just accept me. Idk… being my friend was never a burden to you. You’d be there to help in any situation. I can’t help smile at all the things we’ve done together. You’re amazing. I don’t say this enough to you, but you mean so much to me. I hope you know I’ll always have an extended hand out for you. You say the word, and I’m here to pull you up (if the time comes) just like I pushed you through those workouts… You can latch onto me, and I’ll do the pull up for both of us.

“I don’t need to tell you that you’re wrong or what to do. You’re smart and know what you’re doing. You always figured it out either way. I just want to see how you pull this one off.”

He Doesnt Even Know

He doesn't even know just how deep my love goes for him...

He's intertwined himself with me, and I want him in every aspect.
I want the rainy days with him and the days where it feels like we're all walking candles melting away.
I want the exciting days and the calm ones.
I want everything with him.

I want the complexity and simplicity of life with him.

He's the one I want to fall asleep tangled with and the one I want to wake up peppering with kisses for a lifetime and then some.
 
I want the messy pillow forts that have him in them. I want to be the little spoon to his big spoon. I want to fill our fort with giggles, wandering hands, not knowing where to settle. Being in that moment, together, nothing else bothering us... feeling safe in his arms... That is what I want a lifetime of.

He kisses me until my knees buckle and my cheeks flush the color of cherries. Whenever I even think of him, my heart flutters, my stomach flips. It's all something out of a dream.

I've been talking about the way he takes away my breath... it's something bigger than myself. I couldn't start to explain it without a dizzy head.

The first time he whispered, “I love you,” I heard it over and over again in my head for days. It felt so right... I was dizzy with his love.

When we kiss, the world around us dissolves. It's just him and me, and I can't help but drown so wonderfully. When I'm with him, the world stops turning. Time is suspended; it's only us, and I'm so in love with the forever we've created.

He's the person I want to share my life with, every nook of me is an open book to him even the pages I can't quite read...

I never knew someone would look at me the way he does, and the considerate thoughtfulness in all he says and does only makes me love him more each day.

Fireworks

So I look in your direction with lights flashing and dancing in your eyes… The eyes I yearn to look at when I’m alone at night or in a crowd with faces that aren’t yours.

Yeah, I’ve always been waiting for you. Do you see me? Do you hear me?

Do I need to make it louder and clearer? You’re something beyond my years. I couldn’t start to explain what this is with you.

You’re someone I’d paint a million sunsets for. I’d drive hundreds of miles to see you.

Nothing could be better than the moments I’ve shared with you… My stomach drops thinking… just thinking…

I laugh at your lame jokes and feel my heart flutter at the sweet melody of your voice.

The alcohol coursing through your veins that I taste on your lips seems to have given you a little something new… Now you’re singing. You’ve only done this once before. I don’t think you remember serenading me that day, but this is better with your shy little gleam…

I can’t help the blood rising on my cheeks. I can’t help the way my heart does a backflip with every little lyric you sing in my ear. Paradise is when I’m with you…

I feel fear clutch my heart as an attempt to hold onto some sort of control, but it’s as if your love has become a repellent to that need… There’s no need for that control anymore.

Not with you.

How crazy am I at this point? Insane? Maybe? In love? Definitely.

I’m looking at fireworks in awe of their beauty, but the real firecracker is beside me. I can’t look away from you as hard as I could try to… The one I look to in awe of his humanity… That’s you. You’re more than what meets the eye. Your surface is beautiful but nothing compared to the core.

Every firework above us goes off with power… yet they’re fleeting. They come and go followed by more… No two are the same. They’re all beautiful, nonetheless. See, I’m not afraid of time, because I know we aren’t a single firework. We’re a show of lights without intention of ending a moment sooner than intended.

See… No two of our memories are the same. Yet, they go on and off like the fireworks above us. They’re followed by more each time, and they’re all beautiful. They aren’t permanent, but their length doesn’t diminish their existence. I guess that’s a thing… I know memories are moments in time. Their existence and importance, however, is still real and held dear. I hold them dear the same way I still see the patterns and lights going off behind closed eyes. What has passed isn’t erased. I revisit us in ways I couldn’t start to explain.

I promise you this. I’m sensitive. I cry. I fear.

I’ll be scared of losing you… But so be it. Sometimes I’ll hide. Sometimes I’ll be weak and need you to fall on, and I know you won’t run unless it’s to my side. I hope you’ll catch me when I stumble. I guess I just have that confidence in what we have.

I just never meant to be trouble. I hope you know that.

I’ll never let my fears stop me from enjoying the fireworks, though. I look at you, and I see a light show nothing could ever compare to. I have the best view, and I’d never give that up. I hope you know that, too.

I want to be good to you. I want to show you sparks I never imagined I’d ever show anyone.

Maybe you’ll understand me a little more somehow or know if you could possibly still see the sparks I see day in and day out in a lifetime that paints you by my side.

If you want that, anyways.

White Sheets

I crave the feeling of his skin on mine, and his pulse synchronizing with my own.

I crave the snaking of his arms around me instinctively and subconsciously pulling me the ever slightest closer to him while he still resides in dreamland.

I crave the softness of his lips on my shoulders and neck; the way he peppers me with kisses until they slow down, and his eyes start to flutter shut.

I crave the feeling of our limbs tangling up with each other and the way our legs find their rightful place in time…

Any other type of sleeping is a waste of time, now that I’ve found myself only wanting this with him. He makes me feel like I’m sharing secrets with another world, one only we can access.

I can’t get enough of his smell mixing with my own.

I smell him on me for hours and find my heart swelling and growing dizzy with every passing second.

I want the white sheets with him and sweet melodies of his whispers becoming steady breathing.

I want the slight breeze of the open window and pesky rays of light that try to tear us from the sweetness of this sanctuary we’ve come to treasure so much.

I want to roll him over and watch him smile as I lightly kiss his nose.

I want to be a mess of sheets with him and always feel that little tightened grip he has on my hips the moment I kiss him.

I want the countless mornings filled with his smiles and my blushing face hiding under the white sheets and his chest.

I want him and everything that comes with the white sheets, whether it’s at night, morning, or during the day. I want the package of him and I with the white sheets we’ll get tangled in from here on out.