Blending Colors

I think in colors. Memories are colors. Dreams are colors. Feelings are colors. Love is a color. Being in love is actually a set of colors blending... reds, blues, whites, greys, greens... all of them.

I can sit here telling you about the way we wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night. I can sit here telling you about all the memories made, but none of that will show you how it all blends. None of it will sum it up.

That's the thing, love is a beautiful picture with blending in places you didn't think would be necessary. It's so beautiful and intricate... If you stop and think about it, it takes your breath away.

There's stages to it like any painting or drawing, though. Sometimes steps don't have an order, either... each one is different. The thing is they each have their beauty. There's no point in trying to recreate something. Individuality and originality is key. No two loves are the same.

I guess you can say I'm scared at times by this. For someone who is scared of it all but held back by nothing, I'm quite amusing to mock, probably. I just find myself surrounded by colors. It's overwhelming, because I didn't think they'd all appear now. Do I have a problem with it? No. I'm glad it happened how it did.

There's just this heavy load on my chest that feels like someone holding my heart. This is so immense it suffocates me, and I find myself choosing that as my preferred way of death. Lets be honest... there's no easy thing about this, but I'd dip my hands into fire to keep this feeling. I'd keep it even if it was my cause of death.

Look, nothing worth having comes easy, and love is worth the frustrations, work, confusion, tears, laughs... all of it. It does make me dizzy, though. It's like control has slipped my fingertips, and I don't find myself grasping for it to come back.

Maybe only fools fall in love. I don't know. I might just be the biggest fool, then. Well I'm a mighty happy fool.

I just know that there's a set of colors I didn't know surrounding and enveloping me in ways I didn't know were meant for me.

The scary part is time. Does love fade with time?

That's what we all have to fear, right? That and complacency. No one wants to stay in a loveless relationship out of obligation.

Well DOES love fade?
Not the love, the excitement of a honeymoon stage does. Love can leave if it isn't tended... it isn't something you should take for granted, but it isn't doomed. Love is a choice that you make every day, and if you want it, then you have to put the same effort into it. Fading and evolving are two different things, though.

So many people misinterpret change as an end. Loving someone has its own stages, but it doesn't have to end. There's a honeymoon stage, of course, and that can come in the beginning, later on, and even more than once. The thing is it doesn't last, the honeymoon stage that is. Love in itself can and will last as long as you tend to it.

Love requires time, trust, and prioritizing. Everything requires time to build. A relationship will have different colors and sometimes the blending won't be perfect, but it isn't about making the square fit the circle... You have to allow it to develop. So many people leave after the honeymoon stage ends. There's complacency, then there's irrational complacency. You see so many people think that love has to be that exciting feeling. It isn't always. They either become complacent in a bad situation or become complacent in not committing.

Both seem sad to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone I don't love, and I wouldn't want to be stuck in a honeymoon trance.

Love has so many layers. It becomes better after the honeymoon stage, so I'd hate to only know that.
I mean love becomes familiarity. Love becomes the calm after the storm while being the crashing waves on the shore. Love is missing someone and coming home to them, because you want to tell them about your day. Love is sometimes needing space to miss each other. Love is wanting to share heaven and hell with someone. Love is everything and nothing. Love is a bond. Love is a choice. Love is wonderful and hurtful, but it's worth it...

Basically, love requires time to grow into more than infatuation and hormones. It requires trust to show every color on the palette. You need to trust the other person to not leave even when they're tempted with something new... because that does happen. New isn't always better, at least in the long run. People find excitement in the first experiences, though, but that's not a way to live.

You can only do so many firsts before that isn't enough. Why give up a tree for a cut flower? A tree has roots that will outlive a flower you can't plant like the tree.

Not everyone will accept your faults and care for you, but the ones who do love you. I mean think about it... It's scary knowing you won't have another first kiss or first date with someone... things like that, but there's someone out there for everyone that you wouldn't mind giving up that for.

Prioritizing your relationship is also important. The things that once were number one become second, third, or they might not even matter anymore. You aren't giving up who you are... that's not what you want. You do change, though, on your own and together. You're still two individuals, but you're together now. You just have to prioritize your love... like I said, effort. You put in the same effort if not more.

Blending colors aren't always pretty at first. Sometimes you need to use your fingers to pay extra attention to the spots that look blotchy.

I don't know. Maybe all of this is a rambling mess. Maybe I have a point. I don't know what to say. I'm writing this in a car, because I can't sleep just yet.

I guess you could say companionship is on my mind, but it's not even that. I don't want just a companion. I want someone I love until the end. I want to build a life with someone I love in more ways than one... I don't mind the work, but it's just a waiting game now. I guess forty years from now we'll know how it ends, right?


We'll see. I can't read minds or hearts. I just know what's inside mine for now and believe the rest.

Xx

Adding Colors

He's pulling me apart at the seams while adding pieces where I didn't know anything was missing.

He's a different color than what I thought love would be. The only fairy tale sense about this is accepting it's real and not a tale. This goodness is real, and it's ours... but he's not anywhere near cliche. He's like my dad in that sense. My dad says things how they are. He has no need to make things sound better, and I guess that's where my brother got that, as well. There's just a raw honesty that I value in him. He communicates with me, and it's something I hold dear.

His grip on my hips is different. The ending has been the same every damn time, before him. Now, I'm hoping for something different. I'm living something different.

I've always appreciated the beauty of a secret. Privacy is something I cling to even in this day and age. I can expose my bones online, sure, but you won't know my flesh how he can. I don't have to tell anyone anything. I have control. I show what I want, nothing more than that... but there's no reason to hide with him. I'm not afraid of showing him the heavier colors.

He's shown me enough colors to make a beautiful water color painting. It's in the way he spun me in that empty parking lot. It's in the way he looks to his left while he's deep in thought. It's in the way his eyes crinkle with every cm his lips stretch into a smile. The color is in his lips when he whispers his feelings into my ear so unexpectedly. It's the trace he leaves on my body after we've given each other something you can't grasp unless you love one another... It's the color that rises to his fingertips when he holds me so gently. It's the hurt in his eyes when he shakes his head and can't understand my actions. It's the excitement, hope, love... everything I see in him. The colors are everywhere.


Xx