Disillusionment

The beauty of history is that it's everywhere. It's in books, in clothing items, in scars, in the fibers within you.

I think about it, you know... The past. At least I'm thinking about it right now as I go through a drawer full of dresses I could only dream of fitting into now.

That's the thing... We all have demons that we try to drown but just learn to swim alongside...

That's life, though. We beat them for so long and sometimes feel them catch up.

I would be lying if I said that mine haven't crept up, but I'd be damned if I uttered that out loud. The point is to stay strong, right? It's to not let the self doubt and insecurities become louder.

It's to succeed despite the environment you're in.

That's what I learned from Colton, at least. All those years ago. Five years ago, right? Or was it four?

He taught me to see beauty in myself when it was much more evident, but it stuck with me. See most girls like to act like every single ex they've dated is complete shit. I'm the first to say that that isn't true. I've dated some types of guys (lol) who I clearly drifted from, and there were also some great guys.

There were guys like Alex (before Alex)... yeah how confusing, right? I mean I didn't date all of these guys but definitely bonded with them... Anyways, Alex was great in the sense that he was the first guy who I REALLY liked and never dated. We were those little kids who grew up together, but he was always a little older. He was the guy who I'd climb up into tree houses with and would give me his bomber jacket to wear at night. He'd hang up pinatas when I was mad and gave me a stick, telling me to let it out. He was the guy who would hold my waist and make sure I didn't fall off a skateboard. We'd watch weird movies together and overall it was great.

Then there was Alex, the first boyfriend, who would wait for me to get out of volleyball practice and wrote me shitty but great songs with his little band. He'd write me love letters and decorate my locker. We'd dare each other to do silly things and the way things ended didn't make him justice. He made me laugh until my stomach hurt sometimes and knew my favorite snacks. I'd run across the quad and jump into his arms. I was so tiny, and he was a giant beside me.

There was Justin who got the frantic me and brought me back from the frenzy, all the way. He got the me with doc martens and little skirts. He got the me with the little shorts and inappropriate shirts. He got the me who had been far too scarred, but he never took advantage of it. We would hang out with Peter and July and listen to all of our favorite songs. We'd all get on stickam and Peter would serenade us all. Justin would try to play with my hair while I played with July's and always managed to knot it lol. We had the most fun with firecrackers and no one wrote as beautifully about me as he did. He'd draw me and take pictures all the time. I was his muse in so many ways... He taught me how to get down and dirty for a picture lol. He would help me with my spikes. He'd write beautiful songs and struggle to tell me his feelings. Eventually it just wasn't enough... I think he was the closest to the two worlds of being a friend and boyfriend. He was the best mix up until then, and I think it was bound to happen. We started as friends, and we would end the same.

There was Mason who kissed me too soon after a break up. He was a firecracker. He was wild, but he liked me so much, and I couldn't see why. We did a play together. He'd make me laugh all the time, and I remembered how fun it was to like someone without all of the insane drama.

There was Urik who loved me to the end of the universe. He was always just a friend, but I had a strong love for him. It just was never what he wished it was. He would have done anything for me, and he did. He took care of me and made sure I got to go to Disney for a birthday. It didn't matter that my current boyfriend would be there, because he just wanted me to be happy. He was so selfless and made sure everyone was kind to me. He never made me feel bad for failing to reciprocate his feelings. I felt safe around him. He wasn't like the others who would try and grab at me. He genuinely wanted the best for me, and he sure pissed my boyfriend off... There was an ironic difference between the two...

There was Alex B who I'd find a comrade in. There's no words to explain this one other than the best friend I wish I could have had in a girl. I had a strong love for him. I'd draw on his mirror and take his shirts. We'd all play video games and pile into one car ready to take on the world. I had many conversations with him that shaped me. We'd be looking up a the stars or sitting across each other in the jacuzzi, and he'd try to tip toe around the issues he knew I had. I remember him holding my hair while I threw up. There was a fear in his eyes, and he took care of me in a way only a brother knew how. He saw more of the ugly sides of my demons than any of our friends. Somehow he still managed to love me like the sister I felt I was to him.

Second to last, is Colton. He was the first guy I actually saw after high school. Summer of 2012 we went wild. Not really... but I found myself with him. He was a great guy. He was smart. He was all the qualities a mom would want for her daughter. He got me to dance again. We had a great time, while it lasted... It didn't work out, though, and it wasn't on him. We had a great time, and he showed me the stars, but it was short lived... I enjoyed it but knew he wasn't it. The electricity wasn't there.... I didn't know slot theory yet, though, and I wouldn't understand why it wasn't enough UNTIL then.

Before there was Jacques there was Ash.

Ash was the card that everyone was waiting for, right? I think he was the guy people would expect I'd end up with, and he certainly awakened sides of me I'd try to shut down. It wasn't all there, but he did remind me that every demon I had lived with wasn't me. I got to run around streets with him and see the behind it all. There was always an adventure to go on, but sometimes I wanted to just be... and I didn't find myself building anything with him because of that. I learned too much and knew I didn't want this. I got to witness memories become immortalized, and I supported him to no end. There's just times that someone's values don't fully match up... not the ones that should, at least. I do think there was a time I thought I could... that I would. He took me out of my comfort zone... I did share things with him that I haven't so readily shared with others... but I had to have a full disclosure with him... which is why I think I felt like I could. I told him about mistakes I'd made... trusting people. I told him about vulnerabilities. He understood, though, or at least made it seem that way. I was scared to share anything again before him. It taught me that sometimes you have to share things that aren't comfortable to... at least when you want to build something with someone. There's a point where you have to intertwine for things to work...

That's when Jacques popped into the picture... He came later on... and he's someone who I never want to put in a post about the past... I don't have the words that do him justice... I don't have words to do our love justice...

I'll leave THAT at that

So...

The point of this post is what? I don't know. I guess it's about how not every ex or guy you know is a dick. Point blank...

I think we're accounts of gathered experiences... we're pieces of the people we've met, and these guys have definitely taken and given me what has come to help shape me.

There's this misconception with me... that I'm able to say sweet things about anyone even assholes. Maybe that's true to an extent, but I'm not blind. Everyone has good in them, but they also have bad sides. I'm not that foolish. Sure, I have a habit to see the best, but I think we all focus on the bad too easily... Both sides are part of the mix.

My point, I guess, is that it's easy for some of you, who know me, to say that I've never known a good guy for the life of me...

There have been plenty of guys in my life who have been nothing short of great, including my brother and father.

Sure... they don't get the credit they deserve. Everyone is too busy pointing out the guys who wronged me or took something, but I'm here to say that even those guys are good... or will be.

That's the thing, I'm not my mistakes, and they aren't either. We all go through a rollercoaster where we hit our lowest, but that doesn't mean that's who we will remain.

I'm not at my worst, and I hope to never revisit that point in my life. If it happens, though, it won't mean I stay there.

We all grow, we all change.

I went from being a strong confident girl to a torn girl back up and down. I've been friends with people who weren't the best for me, and I've kissed the devil himself. We've all danced with death to some extent, and it's all been part of who we've become. I've felt shame and embarrassment. I've felt guilt and pity.

We're all human... it's all a part of it, right?

I had a conversation that made me uncomfortable for a second last night, and I didn't let my voice show it, but it made me think about this...

You see I've made the mistakes and choices of taking pictures that I sent to someone as well as pictures being taken of me. Long story short, there were consequences.

I found myself sharing this with a guy and sharing how I felt it had stumped my sexuality. It put fear in me, and I remember him making me feel comfortable. I remember choosing to do it. I think that's why I did what I did. I had grown close to this guy. I'd seen sides of him, and he had seen some of me.

He told me to own my sexuality. That's when it happened. I grabbed the lace and changed into it. I didn't think, or I did. I can't say what I was thinking or feeling other than my stomach dropping. One thing led to another. Next thing I know I'm giving this guy a lap dance, and I remember it so clearly.

I remember seeing a camera, and that was the end of that.

So what IS the point of this?

I don't know. I think we all make choices that we feel ashamed of or don't. We make choices or do things that we feel we can't talk about... why? Cause I'm a girl? Cause if I talk about it I'm a slut or whore? I don't know. If I break the illusion that every guy in my life ISN'T a fuck boy then I must be the problem, right?

I don't know. Everything is scarier in the dark, though. Everything is worse before you say it. So yeah... I have work in an hour, and I'm not sure why I'm putting this up other than the fact that I've always been afraid of what people think or say. That's how we're raise to feel, and I've thought about it...

We can't change the past or the choices we've made... and I did think about it. Yeah, my parents might not like to hear these things, but the end result is me now.

I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty great. So I'm here to say that you're pretty great, too. You were shaped by the not so great people and experiences in your life, sure, but you were also shaped by the better people and experiences.

We're all complex recipes, and we could be gross... but I promise you you're delicious. I don't know... (I say that a lot for someone who can't stop talking)

Anyways, life is hard, and it gets harder. You'll forget about how it used to be and get stronger. Sure, sometimes you will have bad days... but you've got this. We've all got this.

That's all I do know...

Maintaining A Voice

Being a couple doesn't mean you mold into one jumbo human.

Even if you're a couple, you are still two separate people.

This post isn't meant to rip apart relationships, though. I mean I'm in one. I guess I've just learned a few things lately. It's not anything new, but it's been applied...

It's easy to give your all to someone you love, you know. I mean it isn't always easy, but it comes naturally. What I'm saying is that sometimes we find ourselves spiraling in a string of actions that feel strange to us... We give someone something we may not have known we could or were willing to... but it happens. What now? 

Stay calm. It's not the red flag to your relationship unless it is.

Don't worry... in this case it's a happy ending. 

So suddenly you're exposing yourself--your darkness--to someone in a way that's painful but somehow easy... You give someone more than you ever were willing to, and that's okay. You do that out of love, but the important part is to look at yourself during that process.

Look at yourself and question if you've lost your voice or if this is a transitional point in life where you share this and give this much to this person out of love...

I can sit here and tell you that it's been rocky lately. I've been tested in ways that I didn't think I would be, but I've come out of it all stronger.

At one point I sat in my rental and cried. I cried about everything. I cried about an event not knowing then I was crying about my situation. I felt myself get rocked, and I questioned it all. I recently also saw someone dear get rocked and question a lot as well...

Anyways, I questioned my voice. I'm glad to say that I can look at my relationship and know that I have a voice. I can get scared, but I'm not silenced. He's always willing to listen and, more importantly, attack the problem with the right solution.

That's important, because I know I can communicate with my significant other. I haven't given up who I am to please this person. I've grown with them, and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

I look at it and feel lifted... I can't wrap my head around the fact that I've built little routines with someone, either. 

Not in this way that unless you're a part of you might not understand the peace coming from the act itself.

Anyone could look at it as ridiculous. You talk on the phone not accomplishing anything? 

That's not the case. It's a nice routine. Our relationship has incorparated itself into a day from sunrise to sundown and everything else. He does his thing walking around all cutely, because he doesn't want to make noise at home. I tend to split my attention and soak in the comfort of hearing his voice, about his day, telling him how this and that happened. His excitement with his work day is always welcomed.

You text that much?

I can't imagine not wanting to communicate with him. The past few days we've been shorter with each other, and it's made me appreciate his little messages more. I smile at his updates. My heart swells at his love infused texts. I know he can't always be at my beckoning, and we acknowledge the honeymoon phase ending, but it hasn't taken the love with it. I still send him rambly texts, and he still loves them.

You keep his voicemails?

They're stories. I don't keep them all, but the ones that show me something have stuck around. It's the messages with the almost palpable desperation to communicate with me on some level that make me dizzy in a sweet way. It's the way I hear his frustration... I can tell you what happened that day. I hear the way we've grown separately and together in his messages.

I can go on... but the point is that despite of how ridiculously in love you may all see me act... there's a voice there. I'm still Laura. He's someone who scares me in the same way that he can ease me, but I know he wouldn't abuse it. He wouldn't abuse how rocking this love is and the lengths I would go for him. He wouldn't abuse the voice he has and I listen to just as I wouldn't abuse my voice or how he listens to me.

I'm able to let him open doors within me that I've held shut for years. 

Basically, he's in this process of turning me inside out. He's seen the ugly inside and the process of it...

Even then... we're a couple. He loves me with him and on my own. He's not clipping my wings or transforming me into someone unknown. That's important. I'm comfortable and HAPPY with him, and I don't feel silenced or ignored. Sometimes I say too much and probably pain him, but I don't ever feel the need to lighten the load. Is that bad? Not if you know what I mean. I'm honest with him and tell him what he needs to hear even if it isn't what he wants to hear. I think of his well being before his want to hear me. 

I don't find myself adjusting my words or truth... He's not someone I feel I have to be different for to be loved by... if THAT makes sense.

My words aren't meant to cut him, but they are meant for him and his wellbeing. 

I love him in an unconditional way. It's a forgiving love. It's patient. It's timeless. It's growing. It's flexible. 

It's afraid, sometimes, and even jumps to conclusions but takes the risk to communicate and ease the wrinkles along the way.

It's domestic in the way that I find peace just laying beside him... His presence alone is enough. 

Having met him has changed my life, and I don't want him to ever forget it...

But I would never lose my identity to him, and that's important for anyone. 

The person you love should not take your identity away

You shouldn't try to take someone's identity

It's that simple...

You're probably wondering how any of this correlates with having a voice or anything really. It does, though. I promise.

Being in a relationship requires compromise, and sometimes one party compromises more... it happens. There will be times that happens, and it needs to be done for the right reasons. You're the judge of that bit, though...

That's why you need to have a voice. You can't melt into one. It's good to be an unbreakable force, but you need your individuality. A person has two separate legs that work together. They don't mold into one... They stay two separate legs but become a great pair. lol

You need to come out and communicate to maintain a relationship. I've always been a strong believer that in order to fully be in a healthy relationship, you need to fully embrace yourself first.

Maintaining a voice is maintaining individuality. You can't be an individual if you haven't allowed yourself that pleasure. 

My advice is to enjoy single life. There's no rush to fall in love or have someone. What for? They won't add to your value. A MAN/WOMAN does NOT... I repeat does NOT give you value. YOU are valuable. YOU matter. YOU on your OWN are already important.

Don't look to life as lacking when you're on your own. Enjoy yourself. Embrace yourself. Never look to yourself as requiring a faceless individual to be whole.

You will meet someone and it could be amazing, but it will fall apart if you can't be yourself. Being in a relationship is level 2 of being single--single life is level 1. You learn things in level 1 that are required for level 2.

In other words, being single will give you a voice and teach you what you'll need to know to maintain it.

Don't sacrifice who you are for anyone. Growth in a relationship is very different from sacrificing yourself. Know the difference.

Loving someone is never wanting to silence them.

Xx

Blending Colors

I think in colors. Memories are colors. Dreams are colors. Feelings are colors. Love is a color. Being in love is actually a set of colors blending... reds, blues, whites, greys, greens... all of them.

I can sit here telling you about the way we wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night. I can sit here telling you about all the memories made, but none of that will show you how it all blends. None of it will sum it up.

That's the thing, love is a beautiful picture with blending in places you didn't think would be necessary. It's so beautiful and intricate... If you stop and think about it, it takes your breath away.

There's stages to it like any painting or drawing, though. Sometimes steps don't have an order, either... each one is different. The thing is they each have their beauty. There's no point in trying to recreate something. Individuality and originality is key. No two loves are the same.

I guess you can say I'm scared at times by this. For someone who is scared of it all but held back by nothing, I'm quite amusing to mock, probably. I just find myself surrounded by colors. It's overwhelming, because I didn't think they'd all appear now. Do I have a problem with it? No. I'm glad it happened how it did.

There's just this heavy load on my chest that feels like someone holding my heart. This is so immense it suffocates me, and I find myself choosing that as my preferred way of death. Lets be honest... there's no easy thing about this, but I'd dip my hands into fire to keep this feeling. I'd keep it even if it was my cause of death.

Look, nothing worth having comes easy, and love is worth the frustrations, work, confusion, tears, laughs... all of it. It does make me dizzy, though. It's like control has slipped my fingertips, and I don't find myself grasping for it to come back.

Maybe only fools fall in love. I don't know. I might just be the biggest fool, then. Well I'm a mighty happy fool.

I just know that there's a set of colors I didn't know surrounding and enveloping me in ways I didn't know were meant for me.

The scary part is time. Does love fade with time?

That's what we all have to fear, right? That and complacency. No one wants to stay in a loveless relationship out of obligation.

Well DOES love fade?
Not the love, the excitement of a honeymoon stage does. Love can leave if it isn't tended... it isn't something you should take for granted, but it isn't doomed. Love is a choice that you make every day, and if you want it, then you have to put the same effort into it. Fading and evolving are two different things, though.

So many people misinterpret change as an end. Loving someone has its own stages, but it doesn't have to end. There's a honeymoon stage, of course, and that can come in the beginning, later on, and even more than once. The thing is it doesn't last, the honeymoon stage that is. Love in itself can and will last as long as you tend to it.

Love requires time, trust, and prioritizing. Everything requires time to build. A relationship will have different colors and sometimes the blending won't be perfect, but it isn't about making the square fit the circle... You have to allow it to develop. So many people leave after the honeymoon stage ends. There's complacency, then there's irrational complacency. You see so many people think that love has to be that exciting feeling. It isn't always. They either become complacent in a bad situation or become complacent in not committing.

Both seem sad to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone I don't love, and I wouldn't want to be stuck in a honeymoon trance.

Love has so many layers. It becomes better after the honeymoon stage, so I'd hate to only know that.
I mean love becomes familiarity. Love becomes the calm after the storm while being the crashing waves on the shore. Love is missing someone and coming home to them, because you want to tell them about your day. Love is sometimes needing space to miss each other. Love is wanting to share heaven and hell with someone. Love is everything and nothing. Love is a bond. Love is a choice. Love is wonderful and hurtful, but it's worth it...

Basically, love requires time to grow into more than infatuation and hormones. It requires trust to show every color on the palette. You need to trust the other person to not leave even when they're tempted with something new... because that does happen. New isn't always better, at least in the long run. People find excitement in the first experiences, though, but that's not a way to live.

You can only do so many firsts before that isn't enough. Why give up a tree for a cut flower? A tree has roots that will outlive a flower you can't plant like the tree.

Not everyone will accept your faults and care for you, but the ones who do love you. I mean think about it... It's scary knowing you won't have another first kiss or first date with someone... things like that, but there's someone out there for everyone that you wouldn't mind giving up that for.

Prioritizing your relationship is also important. The things that once were number one become second, third, or they might not even matter anymore. You aren't giving up who you are... that's not what you want. You do change, though, on your own and together. You're still two individuals, but you're together now. You just have to prioritize your love... like I said, effort. You put in the same effort if not more.

Blending colors aren't always pretty at first. Sometimes you need to use your fingers to pay extra attention to the spots that look blotchy.

I don't know. Maybe all of this is a rambling mess. Maybe I have a point. I don't know what to say. I'm writing this in a car, because I can't sleep just yet.

I guess you could say companionship is on my mind, but it's not even that. I don't want just a companion. I want someone I love until the end. I want to build a life with someone I love in more ways than one... I don't mind the work, but it's just a waiting game now. I guess forty years from now we'll know how it ends, right?


We'll see. I can't read minds or hearts. I just know what's inside mine for now and believe the rest.

Xx

Love Kinda Sucks But Not Really

Falling for someone is the scariest thing. Some people are scared of spiders, but they don't know the real danger lies in love. Spiders bite and lay eggs in your ear without your permission... But love asks for your permission to tear you apart. It lets your walls fall while bringing in a joy you can’t summarize with measly words. It builds you up and adds a substance you’ve never known just to remind you that you existed without it. It’ll build you up so beautifully before it pulls the rug from under your feet, and you’ll fall down the ancient hole of foolishness.

There's nothing scarier than a kind foe. There's nothing scarier than feeling yourself slip through sheets you used to feel warmth from.

It's a shattering that echoes in the walls of this world, the moment the first foot enters the car. It's in the moment that your feet get in the car before your heart can catch up... That's when it all hits you. That's when it's ended before it even had the opportunity to start. Keys fumbled so carelessly that you can't turn on the ignition fast enough, and you feel your heart scream that he'll stop you, right...? Your sleeve can’t possibly catch all the tears falling from your eyes; what a foolish little heart you have there. Shaking hands and trembling hearts can’t make things right, though. It's no use. Your feet can't accelerate fast enough, and the tears are making the colors blend. Everything starts to look like melting watercolors, but you can't ignore the fireworks his smile still brings. 

Logic wins one over your heart, though. The gas pedal responds to the only thing that can move, and that's your feet; fear has a way of screaming the loudest in times like these.

The road feels like it won't ever end... Then you see his face. This time it isn't you're heart breaking, and that's a sight you won't be able to erase. You can’t help but feel the tingling of his scruff on your neck. You can’t help feel the trail of kisses he left on your head all those times he wrestled with your lion mane. The first kiss flashes through your eyes, and you know you have to shake the memory before you drive off the road.

With every mile you race away, another memory floods your conscious, and you can’t help but press that gas pedal a little more. Suffocating wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Seeing his face drop, as your feet push down on the gas pedal... when your heart is screaming for you to stop, is the moment you see his soul crumble, and you can’t forget that day.

Love isn't easy. I don't even know if I know what love is. Is it a figment of our imagination? Is love just another social construct created to tether us down? 

I don't know. Someone told me what true love was, and it wasn’t an answer I expected. It wasn’t the guarantee I wanted, but it was what I needed. 

I realized that I love him more than anything, and it’s my choice. I just don’t know if I’m his…

I just know that my heart races, nowadays.

At first, it didn't make sense. It was messy and hard. Everyone was telling me to run, but I only ran back to him; I knew something they didn’t about the way his eyes shined so bright. 

We look back, now, wondering when it really started. I can't believe it was from the first day that I made a space for him. It was then, wasn’t it? I just can't let myself give this that power. Has he been driving me insane since then? 

I don’t know, again, I don’t know.

We're driving down the 91, and he sees me panic, suddenly. He's confused as to how I could possibly need reassurance after what's just happened, but he hears my plea for reassurance. He lets me have it, and it doesn’t drive him away. He smiles and holds my hand giving me what I need at that point in time. I can’t help but wonder when this will end and when I’ll have to drive away with watercolors in my eyes, again. That’s the truth, right? Forever is only until it ends… unless we truly don’t want it to end. It only takes one person wanting it to end, though…

Being apart is so hard and nice, because we’re apart… but we’re apart together. The line of communication never ends, and even when it’s silent it’s there. I’m comfortable in silence with him. I don’t feel the need to fill the silence. I know I lived without him, but I don’t want to think about the day I’ll have to leave him.

We probably make sense in only the most insane ways… We went from nothing to something. The beginning was rough, and I cried; there’s no denying that. We didn't make sense; we just didn’t... it was too good. There was too much. I was sure he was playing a game, but I didn't seem to be able to walk away. He was a fuck boy, for lack of better words, right? 

I couldn't change him. I was beyond myself seeing something everyone told me was an act. That's it... That drew me in; the challenge was what pulled me in... It had to be, but I knew it wasn’t that. He wasn’t a challenge. He wasn’t a real fuck boy. He wasn’t anything but what I knew him to be… I knew what people said was with good intentions, but they didn’t know us. There was no way anything could be, though, and I wasn't going to simply be another checkmark on a list. That was supposed to be it.

He made my eyes heavy, and my heart felt like stones pulling me down down down. I was at the bottom of a lake with the stones of events from days past... Reminding me I should run. It wasn’t the end, though. One last call made me realize I was going to wake up and still feel for this person on the other line. I was scared but not of him. I wanted to make sure he was okay, and I knew I was losing it then.

Words filled my ears. Was I going to run, now?

I didn't. I heard it all. I felt it all. I took none of it.

The answer was simple; I'd take out stone by stone and give us a chance. All I had to lose was my heart, and my heart screamed to let him play his cards. If I were going to walk into a dragon’s den, it’d be his. If I were willing to put my heart on someone’s chopping block, it’d be his. 

The pull wasn't something my logic could fight off. My feelings for him are electric. I have my fears, though. Don’t we all?

I’m scared he’ll wake up one day wondering why he wasted his time. I’m scared of losing him. Isn’t that absolutely selfish? I’m scared that I’m not enough. I’m scared but not of him. I’m scared of ruining something so valuable to my heart.

I lost myself in his kisses and touches. Maybe I lost him in between clouded judgment. Everything feels so right with him, but we’re racing against time. The feelings are so strong right now, and it scares me to think about the crash. 

His kisses are fueled with passion and tenderness. He carries his heart tucked tightly under his sleeve; it’s accessible enough but easily hidden. I see him interact with people, and it melts my heart. He looks at them with an individual attention that pulled me in, probably since day one. I fall for his eyes every time. He doesn’t just smile with his mouth; his eyes smile, too. His laugh makes me smile. His silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable. His thoughtful words and questions cause a stir in my train of thoughts. We feel like the right fit, but is that because I want him to be?

Someone very wise told me what I needed to hear.

Love is a choice. Being in love is fleeting. It’s passion and it feels good in the moment, but loving someone is a commitment. It’s work, and it’s a choice you make everyday. Life isn’t built on being in love, but as to the feeling, love begins as a compromise; it’s an understanding. Falling in love is gradual. You know a person, you live your life with them and one day you just sort of wake up and realize this is it. 

There is no guarantee. We weren’t cut from the same tree. We have no sign. I couldn’t even tell you if we were in love in a past life. 

I can say that there’s a spark with this one that’s just the right kind of different. It isn’t easy, and I have my doubts seeping through my fears. I just know I want to be with him. I want to be with him on the shitty days and see them through to the great days, because great days with him make me feel like I can fly.

I want the best for him, but I will always be the best me for myself and then him. I won’t lose myself in him, because that’s not what I want. I want to be by his side supporting each other. I want to grow with this person. I want to choose him daily. I want these things, and I don’t know how I found myself in this position.

I don’t know when I started craving his kisses. I don’t know when red lights started to feel boring, because we weren’t sharing silly pecks. 

I can’t say I know why he would pick me, but I hope he continues to. I hope we don’t become memories to each other. 

Love is gradual… it grows and gets better. It doesn’t get easier, but it gets stronger. It’s a partnership that can shake you to your core, but nothing good comes easy. 

I’m just here feeling foolish. Somehow I’ve allowed him to calm my nerves. He has a way of soothing me, but I’d be lying if I said this isn’t confusing. 

He makes me shake. I let myself lose control with him, and I don’t think all the time. It just feels right. It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling for this person. He’s this awkward mess at times, but he’s genuine. He has a heart that no one could compare to. He’s brilliant, really. 

Being with him I find myself in a whirlpool of passion and temptation. I’m wrestling my feelings for him and what I should do. I want to do right by him the way he wants to do right by me. We’re blind. We’re going into this completely blind not knowing how this works. I think we forget that it doesn’t have to end as long as it’s what we want. I want to take my time with him, but I also can’t get enough. He knows how to play with my buttons, and it makes me dizzy.

His fears are my fears. I’m so in this, and it’s so new. It’s too early, and I’m wondering if I’ve fucked this up. Has this truly turned into the danger that outweighs the spider, or am I wrong? Because the further I go into this with him I realize that love is hard and scary… It can hurt, but it’s also beautiful. It doesn’t have to be destructive. Every day good or bad is another day with him, and it feels like we’re more than a time stamp…

Love is seasonal; it’s hyper. It has its ups and downs that make you mad, but it’s superficial. Over the course of your lifetime you fall in love a million times. If you’re lucky, it’s with the same person.

I have somebody I’ve been falling with continuously. I have no guarantees. I don’t know what the future holds for us next week, month, year, decade… tonight, even, but I know I want to put us in the picture for time to come.

I just can’t think of another person who I want to be this way with, and it’s scary. There will always be someone better. The limit does not exist. We can all find someone better or worse… but it comes down to the choice. It comes down to whom I choose, and I would choose him time and time again.

I could fill up the room with these things I been thinking about [him].

It's true.

It's as if the moment he took my hand I was ready to hold on and run with him anywhere and everywhere. His voice has become my favorite sound.

Now tell me that isn’t scarier than a spider?

I Hate Liking Someone

It's so confusing.

I met this boy. He’s not six feet tall. He doesn’t have his life together. He’s quite lost, really, and he’s not ready for responsibility. If he fears anything, it’s responsibility… at least right now. His life hasn’t been the smoothest, but he’s somehow remained gentle. He’s always selling himself short but always finding treasures in other people.  He’s not musically inclined and finds Jackass funny but cries watching Inside Out. His experiences are completely different from my own and yet…

I met him in the last place I thought I’d meet him. I instantly felt comfortable with him; he was the one person who was even more hyper than me and managed to make me mellow out. He’s nine years my senior, but it feels like we were born in the same moment. I told someone I had a crush on him. She warned me that he was amazing but not the proper guy for me; I deserved more, and he was a mess.

The more we talk, the more I see the good in him, and it frightens me. He’s real not some conjuring of an ideal type of list in boy form. I find myself interested in the words he tells me, and the passion he holds in his eyes. I find myself laughing when he laughs. I find my own dimples mirroring his smile. We talk about our mistakes, and it’s frightening how natural it was for us to share things so personal with one another.

He’s humble and honest.  We talk about life and other things, in general… It always goes back to him repeating that he’s not ready for a relationship. He can’t do that, but he can’t be with someone for a night. He’s not that type. He walks into relationships with expiration dates, because he fears the moment he intertwines with someone he won’t be enough. He says it’s safer to know something is going to end, because he doesn’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t think he realizes his potential, but I can’t force him to see it. He needs to find it on his own, and it makes me back away… hesitantly. I can’t force him to see what I see. I’m scared I’ll show him before he sees it. I can’t be that push… But that makes my heart ache, knowing he’s been conditioned to sell himself short. He truly believes what he’s saying, and it’s an echo of what everyone has said to me. They’ve made it clear “he’s not good enough.” I wonder if he knows they say that… I’m sure he knows they think that.

The thing is everyone knows he’d be unstoppable. He just needs to want it bad enough.

I hear his voice call my name feet away over the person right next to me. He plays hurt when I don’t notice him, so I pretend to do it more often. He’s always coming over with his cheeky little smile asking questions and making sure I smile to the point that my face hurts. I call him handsome randomly just to watch the way his smile transforms and his eyes grow a gentler glaze.

He laughs at my clumsiness, but it’s never mockingly. He’s always reminding me that I can’t let people make me feel I’m something I’m not even though he can’t tell himself that.

I was convinced my crush had evaporated. All it took was for us to all hang out in a group, but I was mistaken. I had listened to all the voices and observed him convincing myself that I was stupid to feel anything for someone like him. I kept hearing settling in my head, and I was sure I had solved the mystery.

Then we interacted again… I realized he’s different. He’s shown his true colors from the beginning, whereas I’ve always had to find out things while being with someone, in the past. There was a change in the air, a transformation. He’s just raw and telling me things he doesn’t tell other people… I’ve realized that he has qualities that aren’t my favorite, but I’m okay with them. I’m in no way perfect, myself.

You see he does little things that make me laugh. It’s often in the details. I often speak without thinking, and he never lets me live down those moments. He notices small quirks about me and remembers details… He genuinely likes to listen to everything I have to say as if I was the most interesting thing, but he just has that quality. When you speak to him, he gives you his utmost attention.

Recently, very recently, I found myself back to square one. He was so confused with why the girls kept trying to play matchmaker with me. He said they should stay out of my business and let me be. He knows how awkward I am and easily uncomfortable I can get. This was the same day he listened to me telling me to open up to someone who was hurting me, causing a specific pain that was reminiscent of a bad time. He convinced me to stop blaming myself and was so logical but gentle.

“It’s not what you say but how you say it. [No one has] the right to make you feel [their] anger is your fault. Being misunderstood isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve being told your quirks are bad and anyone who has had someone say that to them should understand that even more. No one can tell you that you’re dealing with something the wrong way when they haven’t felt it first hand. You can’t defend someone who tells you being constantly told something hurt them when they repeatedly do that to you. No one is right to make you feel your scars are irrelevant, either. I won’t judge you, so I hope you don’t judge yourself like this. Being hurt doesn’t always make you stronger, either, so you can’t let people get away with being mean because they matter to you. The way you say things always in a way that blames you, remember that. Remember what you’re telling me and how fast you look to see where you went wrong. I’m only a third party telling you you didn’t do anything. I know why you say what you say. I could find anything offensive, but it wouldn’t be on you. You aren’t saying it in an offensive way, either. You only tell me how [so and so] said this is a result of you saying this and you saying that resulted in them reacting this way, but do they stop to consider you? If they care, they’ll listen and reevaluate their actions how you questioned yours. Some people will put blame in others, because they feel at fault in reality, but that isn’t you fault. You need to understand that. Them not being able to handle something and reacting to you defensively is an underlying issue of theirs. But… Someone going through shit doesn’t get a free pass so stop being passive aggressive and speak up.”

He’s the one person I can listen to. I don’t butt in and let him finish talking. He looks at me with these gentle but stern eyes at times. He’s not this romantic guy by any means. I’m not seeing him as what he could be, and that’s frightening me more. Am I trying to settle? If I saw him for his potential, it would make more sense… But I’m seeing this guy as he is and finding that I’m okay with that… I don’t know.

We’re always intertwining in some form, and it’s troublesome. I don’t like that we can talk about anything. He tells me all these things that I wish he wouldn’t, because they give him more substance…

We’re going to call this lady Annie and him Jay…

So I came out laughing to my car… where his car had been parked. Somehow we managed to arrive that day at the same time and parked right next to each other. Anyways, we managed to stand out there talking. I told [Jay] how [Annie] had basically cornered me saying how nice he was. How I should consider him for a boyfriend. I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. He smiled at me, and I told him the entire scenario that occurred. I wanted him to react like it was a crazy idea, but he didn’t. He stood there smiling a mess scratching the back of his head trying to ask why it was wrong. I kept bringing up this girl who I felt was cute for him, but he assured me he didn’t just want something physical and didn’t know her personality. I told [Jay] she had a great personality, and I’d show him. He proceeded to tell me that it was fine… He liked my personality and didn’t need to know her. I tried to explain how that was weird. I made a rambling mess of myself voicing how it wouldn’t work. I’m a relationship girl, but I don’t want one right now. I’m not ready to give someone pieces of myself. He’s not the type to like responsibility. We’re both not ready to intertwine with someone, right? I found myself telling him what I told [Annie]; we aren’t each other’s “types.” I couldn’t look at him and see him as a potential boyfriend or anything. I need to be friends with someone first to build something, because I don’t want something fleeting when it comes.

We’ve both voiced that what we want is what we have with our best friends—give or take—but with a significant other. He assured me that some things are found in unexpected places. Now, I’m here wondering if I lost my mind.

I see him, and my face lights up. I instantly tell myself I shouldn’t. I love how he adores the way I say his name. I love the way it rolls off my tongue and how he reacts to it. I love that it’s not that he’s different when we’re in a group, but he lets me be. I feel like my own person around him without a need to mold into anything.

I hate that I think about him. I hate that he’s a nice guy. I hate that he’s intelligent. I hate that I want to just see where or if it goes anywhere. I hate that he makes me think he feels something but I simultaneously I doubt it. I hate that he sees good in me the way I see in him. I hate that I’m so fickle and scared. I hate that whenever I feel something I hear my best friend’s words telling me why I shouldn’t. I hate that he crept up on me when I wasn’t looking. This isn’t the right time for me to lose focus. He isn’t good for me. He isn’t right for me. But what is? Am I feeling something stupid? It’s going to pass; it’s just a crush. So why am I so worked up? I hate liking someone and not knowing how to handle it. What am I even expecting?