6 Months Into Forever

Time stops when I see him... but then it doesn't. It's like time has a skip to it. It's the skip I get in my step when I'm just too excited to stay in my skin.

Yesterday was our six months, and it might seem minuscule to some people... but it was everything to me. It wasn't a matter of the time but the treasure I see in "us."

We went a week without seeing each other, him being in a different state, just being overall busy to spending a wonderful evening together, nonetheless,  and waking up in his arms this morning.

It was perfect.

The only thing I wish would have been different was the amount of time I got with him.

I can't picture a day I won't want that constant contact. I can surely see the days we grow frustrated with each other over dumb things and other not so dumb things, but I can already tell you, or anyone, that he's that person for me... What I mean by that person is that he's the person I will fight for and always want to make things work with. He's the person who will always receive compromises from me, without a doubt. He's the person whose sides I want to know... all of them, even the ones he may be ashamed of. He's the person for me... the person I want to be with at my highest and lowest. He's the person I'm the most comfortable with in a very different way than the rest of the world.

It's crazy how it all plays out.

Yesterday was our first concert together. Did I mention it was the Saint Pablo Tour? Yeaaah. Yeezy yeezy yeezy.

It was great.

It was just bizarre, though. My friends know I will sing along, dance, and just get lost in it really.
I wasn't crazy.

I wasn't bouncing off walls. I was buzzing in a very calm way. I was soothed, and it was all Jacques.

I was so enamored by him... even more than before.

I didn't feel the need to sing along, because I wanted to hear him sing along. I wonder if that's part of loving someone. I've always been the talkative one, and I still am... but I just seem to want to hear the sound of his voice.

I was getting my nails done on Tuesday, and the ladies adore him. We were all talking, it was mainly them asking me questions I would shyly answer. There was one observation that echoed during Kanye, last night. It was that while I was so talkative and lively I seemed to calm down with him. I maintained my light and beauty but in a sense of awe... I became a little quieter and let him talk. I look to him with loving eyes and just soak in his words.

It's true.

It's not that I change, but I'm a specific side of myself with him. I'm a very content side... I'm a side that I only am with him... a side I only want to direct to him.


We celebrated our 6 months in such a beautiful way. We got to see Kanye, which some people might not get, but it goes back to almost 7 months ago... give or take.

He drove up one day with a copy of PABLO. I felt my heart do a backflip as he looked to me with that smile and handed me the CD. I can't explain what went through my head exactly in that moment, other than realizing this guy thought about me.

We had spent hours beforehand, already, talking about Kanye. You could say Kanye was at the start of it all. I mean he was! It's surreal, really, how that burnt CD got us to today.

At one point it was back in his hands, and then he placed it on my car. That little trading of the CD started it all. That call that followed... that's a story forever imprinted in my heart.

There was nothing effortless and yet everything was effortless about how we got together in the sense that the fit has been natural from the start. Work, though, is something we've had to put into this in the healthiest of ways.

It's this gradual commitment I see us coming to. He said something last night, actually.

"I'm tying myself down to you. That's what I'm doing, let that be known. I'm one of those that is walking in and closing the door behind him."

Those words, however short of a moment, took my feelings by storm. They were out of the blue, unexpected... but welcomed. I felt his grip tighten, and I forgot about how I had worn a pair of heeled boots without breaking them in... aka I was having trouble.

The night felt like a nice commemoration of these past 6 months. It was nice to see how we went from strangers to sharing a bed together and yet I make him turn around while I change. He lets me have it, though. He lets me have it all. He takes my indecisiveness and rolls with it. He takes my stubbornness and adjusts to it. He takes me as a whole at my best and worst.

The night was full of moments that made my heart swell with love.

He dressed the bed while I played with a blanket. He changed and cuffed his shirt while he didn't notice how in love I grew with him in that room...

He paced the hallway, and I heard the squeaking of his shoes, while I did my makeup in a poorly lit bathroom, but I couldn't stop smiling in there.


The way he looked at me and slipped his hands onto my hips.

How he so excitedly opened the car door to the perfect surprise... a vinyl that went back to the mixed CD he made me for my birthday, a single rose, and such a heart-filled card. I was shocked and just so so in love to read his words... his love. It was unexpected, and I wanted to jump into his arms. I want to hug him right now and kiss him for hours.

I want to go back to that room and just spend a day with him without the outside world interrupting us....

Even driving to The Forum was a nice drive.

He was amazing. The way he held me during the show... The way he jumped up, too... omg.

The way he would kiss me mid songs. I just can't even explain it without feeling light headed.

The thing is every moment with him has been a line in OUR movie. I wish I could stop time and sit down with him to watch our lives come together... watch it all play back from the beginning to now and after...

I swear he makes fun of me with his best friend. I'm sure of it, but then he looks at me... and there's moments in particular that he looks at me like I'm his world... I wonder if he thinks of all the teasing things he says and realizes that he's a fool for me... that he loves me in a way he, himself, could never measure

Because I'm the first to say I am crazy. I'm crazy for him. I am a fool. I'm a fool for him.

It's all just like a puzzle. All of these pieces are building a picture of us for the future, and I want it even when those pieces don't seem to match up. I want the struggles and joys, but I want them with him.


No other person than him.

I want his sweet singing in my ear. I want his curious hands and his heavy breathing. I want his silly faces and his selective patience. I want to end my nights in his arms and start my days lost in his eyes.


I want a lifetime with him and then some.
I want this life and the next.
I want his soul and mine to stay intertwined like our limbs at night.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

I can't every say that too many times.

My head is foggy.
My eyes are tired.

I know he's out there having fun at round 3 with his best friend at Kanye, and I'm so happy knowing he's having the time of his life... but I want to say more. I want my eyes to stay open. I want to write it all. I want to say it all.


But I guess there are some things that will have to wait to be said as my eyes grow heavy, and I admit that being with him makes all the difference... I'll leave it at that. Everything is better when we're together.

I never want to run from him.
I always want to run with him.

I want him to know

I just want him to know it all. I want him to want it all. I want to do it all with him.

Snapshots

Something inside of me has changed.

My feet are planted when it comes to him.

And “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him]. Don’t need no butterflies when [he gives] me the whole damn zoo…”

I guess you could say I’m just so happy and so very happy with him.

It feels like I’m spinning in joyous circles.

As time inches forward, I find myself more at peace. Life is interesting like that. It’s easy to look at relationships and question them. Why are two people so dependent on each other, right?

It’s easy to say that from the outside.

It’s easy to judge something you don’t know especially when all you know serves to support that shortsighted and just closed-minded view you’ve developed…

I’m not someone who has all the answers.

I don’t have any answers really, but I felt like I was in on a secret as I was tugging his hand to the log ride and skipping with his eyes drinking in the view.

I guess being with him feels like I am in on a secret the me a few months ago wouldn’t have comprehended.

Now, it’s no secret I’ve been hurt, in the past, too. I wouldn’t say that made me bitter, though, but it definitely stripped a layer of trust in my own judgment.

There’s a melting of your soul that happens when you believe in someone so much, and they go ahead tearing all of the safety blankets you’ve taken a life to create.

Having your heart be plunged into with sharpened knives does something to you mentally and emotionally. Your soul is melted, like I said, and it’s transferred over from that naïve state into a chamber of safety. All guards are up, but in the process you lose some parts of your soul. They’re left out in a different room; they’re no longer in the pilot’s seat… for then, at least.

Long story short, it sucks.

Then you meet one person.

Cliché, innit?

It feels like all the pieces of me are coming back to me, but they’re better now. Those pieces have grown up as have I, even when they weren’t with me all the time.

I guess that’s what I mean by saying, “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him].”

I was so focused on myself and building that empire, which I will do… but I lost sight of the simple matters. I forgot I wasn’t quite whole. I wanted to keep that hole, except he didn’t give me the chance to keep him away.

It’s a fear of being a fool who only crushes their own sanity… repeating mistakes of a lifetime’s lessons.

I didn’t want to think about the affairs of my heart. I didn’t want to intertwine, right?

I kept telling myself that. I wasn’t looking for any of it, and I might have closed myself off completely… but I wasn’t ready until I met him.

Maybe that’s how it works. You’re never ready until you meet that special person.

It’s not life changing. The light doesn’t envelope them in a surreal glow… your fears are present. You scramble and make fools of yourselves… sometimes hurting each other in the process… but not everything is a clean break, anyways.

What I’m saying is you’ll get it one day, if you don’t yet.

I could practically go on about how you have no idea the surprise that awaits you.

Be warned, though, you might have people around you screaming fool.

They’ll either stop, or you’ll let go of them.

I’ve learned that you can’t hold people to who they were and sometimes you need to remember that you can’t mold your happiness to suit everyone around you.

Don’t abandon your life and friends… that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am saying, though, that you shouldn’t be put in the situation where you’re constantly being belittled for being happy with someone.

They’re not “That’s So Raven” lol

It’s all I’m saying

People who love you will support you and won’t “victim blame you” in a sense.

Your relationships with others will change, though, and that’s normal, because not everyone will be what you thought they would be.

You’ll know if that’s on you or them, though

You’ll grow out of the petty environment

Priorities change

Life is a larger spectrum of colors, and you’ll take off with a blazing light speed

You’ll see who tries to tie boulders to your ankles and who just makes sure you don’t burn so close to the sun

Every relationship is different and reserved to the individual, though, so they don’t get to belittle what you love or WHO you love. REMEMBER THAT.

Friends won’t do that…

No one gets to define your relationship but the two of you…

Be happy. Enjoy your love. Enjoy YOUR life.

It’s great. I promise. 

I can tell you that he's blown me out of the water. He goes to my lecture halls with me and sits there supporting me during the times I need it most. He wipes away the tears I'm too stubborn to let other see. He encourages me to take the jumps I'm too scared I won't land, but he reminds me it's my choice. I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself with him, and I've shared with him things no one else will get. I trust him like no other, and he's the only one I want to share all of it with. He's it. 

I'm so endlessly intrigued by him wanting to know it all about him and sharing every bit of me he didn't see growing up. 

I've shown him pictures of me in ridiculous outfits with thumbs up and colorful sweaters. 

I've seen adorable pictures of him... and my heart swells even more.

All of him makes me fall for him even at his worst it's never someone I'd leave. It's not a matter of how much I can take but how will we help each other? How will we grow through this? What's going to be our story?

I look at him and see a lifetime. I don’t mean a fairy tale. I mean a life full of bumps that I want to face with him. I see a mortgage and children. I see trips and ridiculous work events where we drag each other. I see inside jokes and ridiculous pictures. It’s an array of memories I would never give up.

It’s countless of journal entries extracted from my heart.

It’s a love injected directly into my bloodstream that no longer can be stopped.

I hope everyone gets to experience this at some point in time.

I’m terrified of falling, but I feel safe with him.

I’m terrified and my heart feels like it can’t stop, so I cling to him on that ride.

It takes one ride, and I realize how okay I am with facing fears and anxiety seems to trickle off my back like a ghost of a past life… I feel something growing inside and can’t get over it… How he naturally holds me. How happy I am under the poorly lit ambiance next to the pony express where I can’t possibly look beautiful oogling over the ICEE, but his eyes somehow think I do. 

My heart was so joyous on that merry go round, those spinning hats, jaguar… the log ride! Those spinning hats were so fun, though! Hahaha It was quite a representation of how these feelings caught me off guard all those months ago…. How they spun us around and tossed us on our heads even. It was such a perfect time. I had a great time with him last night and appreciate those moments. Then again it comes to the point that doing things is really fun, and you’ll enjoy them… but it’s the company that makes the experience.

We sat on a pier not so long ago. It was dark. You could just hear the crashing of waves on rocks. The idea of falling wasn’t really present in my mind. The never-ending darkness didn’t weigh at my ankles. I wasn’t scared. I was in bliss. The moment was treasurable with him by my side. I enjoyed my view, but it was just the background. I still wanted to look at him. It was ours, and I’ve never been one to share before I met him.

Suddenly I want to share everything with him. I want the snapshots of life with us in every one.

 Us always the focus...

I'm so sweetly falling and crashing in the tides of our love, and I don't want to ever fight the waves. It took us a while, but all of his scars and mistakes have become my own. We've caught each other and intertwined so beautifully. He's seen my flowers and roots, loving them equally...

It's going to be such a ride, and I'll surely hide my face in his chest when I'm scared, but I'll trust him to hold me tight when I need it and open my eyes when I'm too stubborn to do it on my own. It's just so natural, whatever we do.

And every day I'm still choosing to fall for him. 

This love, it's never-ending.

Xx

Just Don't Touch My Soul With Dirty Hands

That's the secret, right?

I've given you my soul and opened doors for you to walk through, but I just hope you remember to never touch me with dirty hands. Is it too rash to say I know you wouldn't, though? I guess it's just the trust I have in you talking...

With the sun going down and your heart beating steady I can't help but sprawl my body out against yours. Our legs so casually tangled and my hands memorizing you like the intricate lines of my favorite pattern...

My fingertips feel the stubble grow, and I can't help giggle. You hate to shave... but you do it anyway. I LOVE when you shave, but I've learned to love the way your stubble feels against my skin.

It's bliss... being with you.
It's bliss seeing the way your eyes look at me.
It's bliss sharing every piece of me with you.

The way you talk about me to others even as I can't understand what you're saying makes my heart grow. Your love is clear, and I can't help but want to hold your hand. I can't help but want to explain how you're the sunlight I look to.

I can't help but let my soul turn to mush as a lifetime with you plays in my head. I can't help but gasp as I catch myself wanting to be old with you.

It's bliss.

I tell you silly stories and sometimes squeeze one out of you. You're a little harder to crack, but it's so special when you do share things with me. It's great when your whispers fill my ears.

My heart does a little dance every time you give me THAT smile. You kiss me and tell me little things not knowing how much it means to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat. Is that silly? Maybe.

I have a lifetime with you, and yet I just want to know you better now. I can't get my fill of you, and I don't see it happening any time in our lives.

Sometimes there's nothing to be said in that moment, but I seem to just invent it as I go. If only to hold that communication with you. We can talk about anything! I don't care if I'm on a ramble or spilling a fear... like I said it just comes out, and I'm okay with it as it goes.

I never seem to run out of tenderness for you.

I keep reaching for you, because I need to feel you close.

The small window is closing, and we have to face this coming struggle together, but I have no doubt we will.

You've given me an extra backbone even while I'm sick feeling like a lifeless body... you give me something I can't describe. Even if it's just the strength to open my eyes... You give me that, and I'm able to share my love with you for that moment longer.

I hope you excuse my bad writing and emotional tsunami of words. I guess you do that to me. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that the rawness in my writing is evident. It's not polished how people expect, because I want you to see. I want you to understand that I don't care whether my words are delivered beautifully, because they're meant beautifully. They're genuine, and I don't sit here thinking of how to say what it is I want to say. I just try to show you my heart. No, I just show you my heart and hope that that's beauty enough for you.

I wonder if you remember me telling you how much I enjoy a particular writer's style. She's someone who is typically very heavy in their influence on my style. I haven't embraced it in a while, which is good to be honest. She was quite tortured, but there are some beautiful things she wrote.

There's one thing in particular that I read, and I hope you see the beauty in it. It's how I feel for you...

"In a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second."

You see, whether we are physically near or far... you're with me. You are in the borders of my mind and in the entirety of my heart. We will get through time and have so many more memories to hold.

I'll forever hold the summer nights of tangled limbs with your smile looking into me. I'll forever hold the moments you told me you loved me, because you could, so you did... so I'd never forget, but I couldn't when you show me every day. I'll always hold these memories of us holding hands and even the pouting moments you get in your head. I'll always be full of you, and I'll always cry for you. If anyone is worth the tears, it's you.

I guess what I'm saying is some people wait around hoping they're enough for someone, but even as strangers we knew each other in a way other people don't understand. You're enough for me. You're what I want and want to keep... You make me feel like I'm the same for you, and there's nothing more wonderful than that to me.

A lifetime of you and me, cause there's a part of me I keep under lock and key... But somehow your key fits perfectly with me, and there's only one key, baby, so I hope you keep it close to you for me.

A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...

Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...