Disillusionment

The beauty of history is that it's everywhere. It's in books, in clothing items, in scars, in the fibers within you.

I think about it, you know... The past. At least I'm thinking about it right now as I go through a drawer full of dresses I could only dream of fitting into now.

That's the thing... We all have demons that we try to drown but just learn to swim alongside...

That's life, though. We beat them for so long and sometimes feel them catch up.

I would be lying if I said that mine haven't crept up, but I'd be damned if I uttered that out loud. The point is to stay strong, right? It's to not let the self doubt and insecurities become louder.

It's to succeed despite the environment you're in.

That's what I learned from Colton, at least. All those years ago. Five years ago, right? Or was it four?

He taught me to see beauty in myself when it was much more evident, but it stuck with me. See most girls like to act like every single ex they've dated is complete shit. I'm the first to say that that isn't true. I've dated some types of guys (lol) who I clearly drifted from, and there were also some great guys.

There were guys like Alex (before Alex)... yeah how confusing, right? I mean I didn't date all of these guys but definitely bonded with them... Anyways, Alex was great in the sense that he was the first guy who I REALLY liked and never dated. We were those little kids who grew up together, but he was always a little older. He was the guy who I'd climb up into tree houses with and would give me his bomber jacket to wear at night. He'd hang up pinatas when I was mad and gave me a stick, telling me to let it out. He was the guy who would hold my waist and make sure I didn't fall off a skateboard. We'd watch weird movies together and overall it was great.

Then there was Alex, the first boyfriend, who would wait for me to get out of volleyball practice and wrote me shitty but great songs with his little band. He'd write me love letters and decorate my locker. We'd dare each other to do silly things and the way things ended didn't make him justice. He made me laugh until my stomach hurt sometimes and knew my favorite snacks. I'd run across the quad and jump into his arms. I was so tiny, and he was a giant beside me.

There was Justin who got the frantic me and brought me back from the frenzy, all the way. He got the me with doc martens and little skirts. He got the me with the little shorts and inappropriate shirts. He got the me who had been far too scarred, but he never took advantage of it. We would hang out with Peter and July and listen to all of our favorite songs. We'd all get on stickam and Peter would serenade us all. Justin would try to play with my hair while I played with July's and always managed to knot it lol. We had the most fun with firecrackers and no one wrote as beautifully about me as he did. He'd draw me and take pictures all the time. I was his muse in so many ways... He taught me how to get down and dirty for a picture lol. He would help me with my spikes. He'd write beautiful songs and struggle to tell me his feelings. Eventually it just wasn't enough... I think he was the closest to the two worlds of being a friend and boyfriend. He was the best mix up until then, and I think it was bound to happen. We started as friends, and we would end the same.

There was Mason who kissed me too soon after a break up. He was a firecracker. He was wild, but he liked me so much, and I couldn't see why. We did a play together. He'd make me laugh all the time, and I remembered how fun it was to like someone without all of the insane drama.

There was Urik who loved me to the end of the universe. He was always just a friend, but I had a strong love for him. It just was never what he wished it was. He would have done anything for me, and he did. He took care of me and made sure I got to go to Disney for a birthday. It didn't matter that my current boyfriend would be there, because he just wanted me to be happy. He was so selfless and made sure everyone was kind to me. He never made me feel bad for failing to reciprocate his feelings. I felt safe around him. He wasn't like the others who would try and grab at me. He genuinely wanted the best for me, and he sure pissed my boyfriend off... There was an ironic difference between the two...

There was Alex B who I'd find a comrade in. There's no words to explain this one other than the best friend I wish I could have had in a girl. I had a strong love for him. I'd draw on his mirror and take his shirts. We'd all play video games and pile into one car ready to take on the world. I had many conversations with him that shaped me. We'd be looking up a the stars or sitting across each other in the jacuzzi, and he'd try to tip toe around the issues he knew I had. I remember him holding my hair while I threw up. There was a fear in his eyes, and he took care of me in a way only a brother knew how. He saw more of the ugly sides of my demons than any of our friends. Somehow he still managed to love me like the sister I felt I was to him.

Second to last, is Colton. He was the first guy I actually saw after high school. Summer of 2012 we went wild. Not really... but I found myself with him. He was a great guy. He was smart. He was all the qualities a mom would want for her daughter. He got me to dance again. We had a great time, while it lasted... It didn't work out, though, and it wasn't on him. We had a great time, and he showed me the stars, but it was short lived... I enjoyed it but knew he wasn't it. The electricity wasn't there.... I didn't know slot theory yet, though, and I wouldn't understand why it wasn't enough UNTIL then.

Before there was Jacques there was Ash.

Ash was the card that everyone was waiting for, right? I think he was the guy people would expect I'd end up with, and he certainly awakened sides of me I'd try to shut down. It wasn't all there, but he did remind me that every demon I had lived with wasn't me. I got to run around streets with him and see the behind it all. There was always an adventure to go on, but sometimes I wanted to just be... and I didn't find myself building anything with him because of that. I learned too much and knew I didn't want this. I got to witness memories become immortalized, and I supported him to no end. There's just times that someone's values don't fully match up... not the ones that should, at least. I do think there was a time I thought I could... that I would. He took me out of my comfort zone... I did share things with him that I haven't so readily shared with others... but I had to have a full disclosure with him... which is why I think I felt like I could. I told him about mistakes I'd made... trusting people. I told him about vulnerabilities. He understood, though, or at least made it seem that way. I was scared to share anything again before him. It taught me that sometimes you have to share things that aren't comfortable to... at least when you want to build something with someone. There's a point where you have to intertwine for things to work...

That's when Jacques popped into the picture... He came later on... and he's someone who I never want to put in a post about the past... I don't have the words that do him justice... I don't have words to do our love justice...

I'll leave THAT at that

So...

The point of this post is what? I don't know. I guess it's about how not every ex or guy you know is a dick. Point blank...

I think we're accounts of gathered experiences... we're pieces of the people we've met, and these guys have definitely taken and given me what has come to help shape me.

There's this misconception with me... that I'm able to say sweet things about anyone even assholes. Maybe that's true to an extent, but I'm not blind. Everyone has good in them, but they also have bad sides. I'm not that foolish. Sure, I have a habit to see the best, but I think we all focus on the bad too easily... Both sides are part of the mix.

My point, I guess, is that it's easy for some of you, who know me, to say that I've never known a good guy for the life of me...

There have been plenty of guys in my life who have been nothing short of great, including my brother and father.

Sure... they don't get the credit they deserve. Everyone is too busy pointing out the guys who wronged me or took something, but I'm here to say that even those guys are good... or will be.

That's the thing, I'm not my mistakes, and they aren't either. We all go through a rollercoaster where we hit our lowest, but that doesn't mean that's who we will remain.

I'm not at my worst, and I hope to never revisit that point in my life. If it happens, though, it won't mean I stay there.

We all grow, we all change.

I went from being a strong confident girl to a torn girl back up and down. I've been friends with people who weren't the best for me, and I've kissed the devil himself. We've all danced with death to some extent, and it's all been part of who we've become. I've felt shame and embarrassment. I've felt guilt and pity.

We're all human... it's all a part of it, right?

I had a conversation that made me uncomfortable for a second last night, and I didn't let my voice show it, but it made me think about this...

You see I've made the mistakes and choices of taking pictures that I sent to someone as well as pictures being taken of me. Long story short, there were consequences.

I found myself sharing this with a guy and sharing how I felt it had stumped my sexuality. It put fear in me, and I remember him making me feel comfortable. I remember choosing to do it. I think that's why I did what I did. I had grown close to this guy. I'd seen sides of him, and he had seen some of me.

He told me to own my sexuality. That's when it happened. I grabbed the lace and changed into it. I didn't think, or I did. I can't say what I was thinking or feeling other than my stomach dropping. One thing led to another. Next thing I know I'm giving this guy a lap dance, and I remember it so clearly.

I remember seeing a camera, and that was the end of that.

So what IS the point of this?

I don't know. I think we all make choices that we feel ashamed of or don't. We make choices or do things that we feel we can't talk about... why? Cause I'm a girl? Cause if I talk about it I'm a slut or whore? I don't know. If I break the illusion that every guy in my life ISN'T a fuck boy then I must be the problem, right?

I don't know. Everything is scarier in the dark, though. Everything is worse before you say it. So yeah... I have work in an hour, and I'm not sure why I'm putting this up other than the fact that I've always been afraid of what people think or say. That's how we're raise to feel, and I've thought about it...

We can't change the past or the choices we've made... and I did think about it. Yeah, my parents might not like to hear these things, but the end result is me now.

I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty great. So I'm here to say that you're pretty great, too. You were shaped by the not so great people and experiences in your life, sure, but you were also shaped by the better people and experiences.

We're all complex recipes, and we could be gross... but I promise you you're delicious. I don't know... (I say that a lot for someone who can't stop talking)

Anyways, life is hard, and it gets harder. You'll forget about how it used to be and get stronger. Sure, sometimes you will have bad days... but you've got this. We've all got this.

That's all I do know...

Here's to 2017

It's no secret that 2016 has been one of the hardest years yet. Truth is, that your 20's are the time in which you change the most... Things are supposed to change.

I can be the first to say that that is true (100% really), but it's also not so much that we change as people, but the lens in which we see life through becomes sharper.

My 21st year of life was the game changer where I found myself really cutting down on who I surrounded myself with. I rebuilt myself and destroyed myself repeatedly trying to figure "life" out.

I've always been that social butterfly, and I'll remain that until I die (I presume)... I just found myself giving all of the right pieces of myself to the wrong people. I started what you could say was a purging of sorts...

If you know me, you know I'm set on my ways for half the battle and sometimes swayed by those I love hoping their intentions are the best. I realized that you could know someone for half your life or entire life... that doesn't mean you truly know them. What someone may call their best intentions may not be the best for you...

This isn't meant to say 2016 was all bad. It was filled with LESSONS, but it was my favorite year yet. I want to just thank everyone in my life who has loved me so dearly and so fiercely... this year especially. I've gained people, lost a few, and reconnected with others. The most important milestone of this year is that I've found my footing. I've learned that there are people who you can love so fiercely until you don't, and there is no harm in that. That doesn't mean you're a bad person... You need to respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from what no longer serves you in any way. It doesn't turn love to hate, but it simply means that loving someone isn't enough to make them right for you. I've learned that not everyone is who you think they are or have thought, like I said. I've learned to feel that whole heartedly, mourned those losses, and have let go.

I've learned to value myself in a way that has always been stumped by  those same people who I've believed loved me despite my flaws.... Simply put, I realized this year that I was not the problem. I hope you all look at yourselves and learn to love the bits and pieces people have always made you turn away from. Don't be ashamed in the flower you're becoming. You are blooming. You're no longer a seed. You're no longer a bud. You've been beautiful every step of the way, so don't let anyone make you believe you're anything less.

2016 was the year of growth more than anything. I've heard every bad comment, but I've also heard every good one.

I can tell you that I've changed, but I haven't. There's lessons I'm bound to relive, but I'll be better prepared... I've learned a thing or two. My point, though, is that while change is inevitable, it's important to know the difference between growing up and downright change....

There was a lot of change this year and some said I even became a completely different person.

I really considered that. In some ways I feel that way, but it's more of a sense of freedom that makes me feel that. What I realized is I've become stronger. I'm still that girl that I've been from day one. Some ideas have changed. My way of being hasn't... that could be seen as good or bad.

Take it as you may.

2016 was truly one for the books, though... It was one full of lessons. Anyone close to me understood how anxious I started this year. I was afraid of life in so many ways and afraid of myself in many others. I had allowed myself to be swayed by people telling me I was everything that had been turned into ashes. I truly felt difficult to love. I felt like I needed to put myself together.

The truth is that I found a lot of new beginnings. I found forgiveness for others and myself. I found a passion for myself in a way I only ever knew to put into anyone else and everything else but me.

I've always heard people say, "I'm not easy to love," but 2016 taught me otherwise...

It's never hard to love someone. It shouldn't be hard. Life is hard. Problems are hard, but love isn't. A feeling isn't hard but natural... everything else is another story.

You see... you hit a point in time where you want everything to remain a certain way, and that's when it ALL gets hard. It's like a hurricane turning inside out, but you get through it.

You can't force people to love you "in spite of" change. You can't also torment yourself and allow them to keep you in a time capsule.

Anyways, 2016 marks the year that I grew closer to my family. It's the year I finally figured out my value. It's the year I got an amazing promotion on top of promotion. It's the year I got in a car accident. It's the year I chopped off all my hair. It's the year I gained patience. It's the year I fell in love. It's the year I learned to have fun in my own skin. It's the year I learned the difference between genuine love and convenience. It's the year I learned that some people will fight for you even after they've lost you. It's the year I learned that forgiveness and second chances are valid companions.

2016 was the year I watched so many people fall apart. It's the year I lost another grandparent. It's the year Jacques stood up to be my rock not just a boyfriend. Thank you. Thank you to the people who were good for me at a certain point in life. Thank you to the people who have fought their way back into my tunnel vision ways of life (at times). Thank you to my parents and family, entirely. Thank you to the teachers and coworkers... bosses ho have seen the potential in me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in any way to get where I want to be and am still going.

I understand this is a ramble of the usual kind... but 2016 has truly been beautiful. It's been full of tears both falling from the sky and eyes. We've had our falls but have gained so so much from it all.

2016 was a blessing in disguise. I learned that I suck at pool and am extremely rusty with my bowling. I learned that my dart game is ok. I just had a magnificent time.

My New Year's Eve wasn't full of partying... it was rather low key. We rang in the new year with pizza, wings, and lovely veggies. We had drinks, did arts and crafts, watched a movie, and we played taboo. We had doughnuts and lovely cake.

It was a completely different type of "ringing in the New Year," but it was just a little bookmark reminding me of the new direction in which this period is taking me. I no longer feel aimless. I'm delighted. I wake up every day with joy in my soul. The demons that haunted me have become neighbors I thank every waking moment... for they have made me stronger.


There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel so lucky. I'm surrounded by people who love me and whom I love. I'm blessed with adventures... both mundane and exciting. The most exciting adventure, though, is enjoying life in it's quietest and wildest moments alike... So there's that.

In 2016 we leave behind all the toxicity and bring forth new beginnings.

I'm excited to keep going to school (if I had it my way I'd have 7 degrees and go to school forever lol)
I'm excited to continue growing professionally
I'm excited to go to San Fran
I'm excited at the possibility for Puerto Vallarta
I'm excited to finish paying off my car
I'm excited to keep paying bills
I'm excited to be able to be financially independent
I'm excited to watch everyone around me feel this feeling

I'm excited to go anywhere and nowhere
I'm excited to do it all

I think life is as beautiful as you allow it to be.
This has been my favorite holiday season...

I'm so in love with life and everything that has become my life.
I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I can't wait to share 2017 with you all.

Here's to more travels and falling down dirt hills during hikes. Here's to it all.


Here's to the containers of salsa that we will share and to the jukebox not the golden tee (for next time). lol


Xx

A Piece of Me to You

"And then there's light. It just takes time"

Everyone talks about how depression holds them back. It's a cloud of darkness, and we all shine our magnifying glasses to try to dissect it all

It's not a lie, though, that it's difficult. Depression is no joke, but there's always a good side to anything.

I'm the first to tell you that I'm what some people might call damaged goods, because I've had some problems. I can't ever say they're in the past however accurate that feels. They're pieces of me, and I'm willing to share them.

I guess you could say that it's hard to do that. It almost feels like I'm tainting the now, right? That's not the case, though...

Let me start by sharing what these illnesses are.

I was a teenager, and I felt that way for about half a decade...

The list is as follows:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Schizophrenia
• PTSD
• Bulimia
• Anorexia
• Body Dysmorphia
• Insomnia
• OCD

I can keep going. I want you to understand that it isn't my fault. It isn't your fault if you have any of it, either.

I took this course once that told me how a difficult pregnancy often led to the child suffering of most of those problems... some of the often also overlap with each other. I know my mom had an awfully difficult pregnancy with me, and that's always where it's thrown to... but hey this is life. It could be it or not. The case stands as sometimes we're dealt shitty cards. We just have to do the best we can with them.

Anyways, that isn't the point of this. The point of this isn't to get pity either. I'm not brain dead, so until then... save that pity party. The point is simple... In spite of anything I've been diagnosed with, I'm stronger than ever. 

That's the thing. The journey itself was hard and is always ongoing, but no matter how hard it feels... the end is there. The end of the tunnel with the light is there. You have to make the hole. You have to break through that wall. You have to walk through that light. You have to want it. Then you have to go through with it.

You could get to know me inside out and have no clue that those were draining problems that plagued me at one point.

The thing is they did drain me... There were days I wanted to just die. I'd sit in a corner feeling the weight of it all like my clothes were soaked in water with a suffocating weight on my body. Nights were my sanctuary that fell into the routine of music.

I guess it all tied in recently, you see. I found a recording that wasn't meant for my ears. I found it beautiful, but it came from a time I didn't know. It came from a darkness I didn't see. At the moment I was too interested in the content to really understand or see it.

It wasn't until I stood at a gas station pumping gas that I seemed to connect the dots.

My problems aren't the demons I've drowned. They're the demons I've embraced that can no longer control me. I'm better for overcoming it all, and they help me understand others who suffer under their claws. The thing to understand is that I am not damaged goods, and you aren't either. We've lived in a way that adventures don't measure up to. We've evolved in a way that a pile of years still can't compare. It's an ongoing journey, and that is what keeps you sympathetic.

THAT was the click. There are things that are sacred to me. There are things that got me through a lot which would never touch my fingertips again, no less be shared. Then who am I to forget that? Who am I to deny someone else that safety?

No one.
I'm no one to do that. That's where my guilt kicks in. I didn't understand. I know words weren't spoken in that moment about the importance of it, but I want to believe I knew better. I guess I do blame myself for it and not the other party. That's the truth, because I should have known better.

I'm an open book to an extent. I'm not an open book in the scribbles of melodies or in the walls of a recording studio, though. Music has always been that safety blanket, and it helped me get out of a dark hole. There are parts of it that I've continuously revisited throughout my life in those dark times that I felt alone.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but I feel it's only fair to rip a piece of my flesh for what I've done.

Last summer I got really sick regarding my voice, and that had to be the hardest time. Not only was I going through the process of my grandpa dying, but I was losing my voice. I'm that person who refuses to go to doctors, by the way. I'll go if I'm forced to by my body, but I tend to just go through the motions.

This was different. I went to the doctor and nothing helped. Nothing... I remember looking at the city lights with Bryant and crying last December. That was it. I told him I couldn't sing. I didn't want to be part of the band, because the more I tried to sing the less I could talk. I'm terrified of coughs now. It feels like I have a fire in me. I can't hit those notes. I can't. I guess that's why I was taken aback by that recording. It took me back to the little light in a dark hole that I knew I won't get back. It's not defeating, but it's bittersweet.

Bryant told me I'd be fine last year. He said I could still sing. We'd figure it out and reteach me if we needed to. I don't think anyone understood, though, and I didn't try to explain. Sure, I could learn a different way, but no one understood it literally hurt. It hurt to talk. It hurt to breathe. The less I sang, the better it felt.

It felt like trickery. I was being told I couldn't do the one thing that had always brought me comfort.

The one thing that felt like that life vest was being ripped off my body.
Dramatic. I know.

I think I accepted it, too quickly, even if it felt like my voice was being stolen.

It didn't feel like giving up, either. It was a hobby, I loved it, but it held too much baggage. I wanted a fresh start. I still found my voice in lyrics. I guess I'm just talking about it now, though.

I had told Bryant it stayed between us. He wouldn't tell Ty or Andy. He wouldn't tell Jessica or anyone. Anyone.

Besides, we were all slowly going our own ways.

So back to this turbulent post.

I think at a younger age things felt like life and death. I look back and see that those things weren't big deals. I look at now and know that my big deals will one day be little ones. That's life.

I also recognize I'm alright. Things get shaken up, and you sometimes revisit a little bit of something left behind, but as long as you don't stay there... you're fine.

We're all human.
We all hurt.
We all bleed red.

And guess what? None of us are perfect. We have demons. We have pasts.

I think my big fear is when life comes, will we push those we love away?

I know I won't. I might see the motions, but I'll pull at the end of the day. I never want to be pushed away like this, especially when I recognize the process.

I'm sure some of you expected me to tell you what everything is like, and maybe I will at some point, but that isn't today.

It's just hard. You're a rat. You sit in rooms full of adults with forms of PhD's trying to figure you out like a puzzle. You're no longer the person but a number. It gets dark. You decide what you show, though. You decide when you want it to be over.

I will say this, medication is a chemical fix, but the overall fix lies within yourself.

People become accustomed to the pattern of being in the funk. They temporarily rise to only give in at the first sign of trouble. You learn to get stronger. You learn that this is something only you can do for yourself. It's crazy, but you get through it.

You just sit there and remember death is not the answer. A permanent fix to a temporary problem is not the solution.

When you try to kill yourself, you regret it. You regret it when you feel the air being sucked out of your lungs. It all looks like fire and your mind jumps from memory to memory. You want to stop and then it's all dark.

Every hole you fall into during the process makes you stronger. Every outlet you lose reminds you that it's okay, because you have yourself. You are your worst enemy and greatest ally.

I can keep going, but I just want to say that I get you. There's plenty of people that get you. Everything will be better. You'll get through it however big the load, and you'll feel human, too.

You won't be in this fog forever.

Anyways, if you haven't heard it yet, I love you. One day you'll love yourself, too. It's okay that you are how you are as a result of what you've been through, but it won't be forever. You are good. YOU ARE GOOD.

Xx

6 Months Into Forever

Time stops when I see him... but then it doesn't. It's like time has a skip to it. It's the skip I get in my step when I'm just too excited to stay in my skin.

Yesterday was our six months, and it might seem minuscule to some people... but it was everything to me. It wasn't a matter of the time but the treasure I see in "us."

We went a week without seeing each other, him being in a different state, just being overall busy to spending a wonderful evening together, nonetheless,  and waking up in his arms this morning.

It was perfect.

The only thing I wish would have been different was the amount of time I got with him.

I can't picture a day I won't want that constant contact. I can surely see the days we grow frustrated with each other over dumb things and other not so dumb things, but I can already tell you, or anyone, that he's that person for me... What I mean by that person is that he's the person I will fight for and always want to make things work with. He's the person who will always receive compromises from me, without a doubt. He's the person whose sides I want to know... all of them, even the ones he may be ashamed of. He's the person for me... the person I want to be with at my highest and lowest. He's the person I'm the most comfortable with in a very different way than the rest of the world.

It's crazy how it all plays out.

Yesterday was our first concert together. Did I mention it was the Saint Pablo Tour? Yeaaah. Yeezy yeezy yeezy.

It was great.

It was just bizarre, though. My friends know I will sing along, dance, and just get lost in it really.
I wasn't crazy.

I wasn't bouncing off walls. I was buzzing in a very calm way. I was soothed, and it was all Jacques.

I was so enamored by him... even more than before.

I didn't feel the need to sing along, because I wanted to hear him sing along. I wonder if that's part of loving someone. I've always been the talkative one, and I still am... but I just seem to want to hear the sound of his voice.

I was getting my nails done on Tuesday, and the ladies adore him. We were all talking, it was mainly them asking me questions I would shyly answer. There was one observation that echoed during Kanye, last night. It was that while I was so talkative and lively I seemed to calm down with him. I maintained my light and beauty but in a sense of awe... I became a little quieter and let him talk. I look to him with loving eyes and just soak in his words.

It's true.

It's not that I change, but I'm a specific side of myself with him. I'm a very content side... I'm a side that I only am with him... a side I only want to direct to him.


We celebrated our 6 months in such a beautiful way. We got to see Kanye, which some people might not get, but it goes back to almost 7 months ago... give or take.

He drove up one day with a copy of PABLO. I felt my heart do a backflip as he looked to me with that smile and handed me the CD. I can't explain what went through my head exactly in that moment, other than realizing this guy thought about me.

We had spent hours beforehand, already, talking about Kanye. You could say Kanye was at the start of it all. I mean he was! It's surreal, really, how that burnt CD got us to today.

At one point it was back in his hands, and then he placed it on my car. That little trading of the CD started it all. That call that followed... that's a story forever imprinted in my heart.

There was nothing effortless and yet everything was effortless about how we got together in the sense that the fit has been natural from the start. Work, though, is something we've had to put into this in the healthiest of ways.

It's this gradual commitment I see us coming to. He said something last night, actually.

"I'm tying myself down to you. That's what I'm doing, let that be known. I'm one of those that is walking in and closing the door behind him."

Those words, however short of a moment, took my feelings by storm. They were out of the blue, unexpected... but welcomed. I felt his grip tighten, and I forgot about how I had worn a pair of heeled boots without breaking them in... aka I was having trouble.

The night felt like a nice commemoration of these past 6 months. It was nice to see how we went from strangers to sharing a bed together and yet I make him turn around while I change. He lets me have it, though. He lets me have it all. He takes my indecisiveness and rolls with it. He takes my stubbornness and adjusts to it. He takes me as a whole at my best and worst.

The night was full of moments that made my heart swell with love.

He dressed the bed while I played with a blanket. He changed and cuffed his shirt while he didn't notice how in love I grew with him in that room...

He paced the hallway, and I heard the squeaking of his shoes, while I did my makeup in a poorly lit bathroom, but I couldn't stop smiling in there.


The way he looked at me and slipped his hands onto my hips.

How he so excitedly opened the car door to the perfect surprise... a vinyl that went back to the mixed CD he made me for my birthday, a single rose, and such a heart-filled card. I was shocked and just so so in love to read his words... his love. It was unexpected, and I wanted to jump into his arms. I want to hug him right now and kiss him for hours.

I want to go back to that room and just spend a day with him without the outside world interrupting us....

Even driving to The Forum was a nice drive.

He was amazing. The way he held me during the show... The way he jumped up, too... omg.

The way he would kiss me mid songs. I just can't even explain it without feeling light headed.

The thing is every moment with him has been a line in OUR movie. I wish I could stop time and sit down with him to watch our lives come together... watch it all play back from the beginning to now and after...

I swear he makes fun of me with his best friend. I'm sure of it, but then he looks at me... and there's moments in particular that he looks at me like I'm his world... I wonder if he thinks of all the teasing things he says and realizes that he's a fool for me... that he loves me in a way he, himself, could never measure

Because I'm the first to say I am crazy. I'm crazy for him. I am a fool. I'm a fool for him.

It's all just like a puzzle. All of these pieces are building a picture of us for the future, and I want it even when those pieces don't seem to match up. I want the struggles and joys, but I want them with him.


No other person than him.

I want his sweet singing in my ear. I want his curious hands and his heavy breathing. I want his silly faces and his selective patience. I want to end my nights in his arms and start my days lost in his eyes.


I want a lifetime with him and then some.
I want this life and the next.
I want his soul and mine to stay intertwined like our limbs at night.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

I can't every say that too many times.

My head is foggy.
My eyes are tired.

I know he's out there having fun at round 3 with his best friend at Kanye, and I'm so happy knowing he's having the time of his life... but I want to say more. I want my eyes to stay open. I want to write it all. I want to say it all.


But I guess there are some things that will have to wait to be said as my eyes grow heavy, and I admit that being with him makes all the difference... I'll leave it at that. Everything is better when we're together.

I never want to run from him.
I always want to run with him.

I want him to know

I just want him to know it all. I want him to want it all. I want to do it all with him.

Unplanned.

We're born a ball of life... all of the possibilities floating in space, but I don't think anyone looks at us and can possibly imagine what will come of us... not in the end

You see, I can sit here with a tape that holds my life up until this day, but I don't think that after the first few minutes anyone, myself included, could say I'd be who I am. I think people around us, especially our loved ones, hope for the best... But they can't possibly know what the outcome of the passing days will make of us.

I could probably tell you the moments I remember that made impacts in my life. I could sit here and tell you what people helped shape me. I could sit here and tell you what awoke my hunger to succeed.

I could sit here and tell you everything, and I'd still miss vital details here and there.

It's crazy, though, how these two years have seen me change more than the twenty years before...

I guess a lot of it is polishing.

I mean I like to believe I cultivated a majority of my character or at least the core in my teens. I'm still growing, but it's in different ways. My awareness is sharper. My patience is much more selective. My kindness isn't as naive.... And yet my softness remains.

It's just crazy, like I said.

My layers are evolving, but my core stands still. My dreams change. My challenges shift. Who I am inside doesn't. I only grow, and with growth comes knowledge.

Knowledge is a fickle thing...

I had this amazing professor who probably saw more in me than anyone before him, my parents included... He was fascinated with my journal entries and always seemed to pluck my brain any chance he could. He was very much like a father figure of sorts by the third class of his that I took. I actually spent a whole year after taking his last course writing in a journal and giving it to him once it was done. It was a silly thing, really. He gave me a list of questions and asked if I could answer them. I remember being so sure until the pen touched paper and only trembled without destination. A year later I finally finished and gave him this raggedy old journal. It had it all in there. In the moment, I think I just wanted to be rid of it. I realized a lot of things that year, and I found myself lost in a web of spiders.

I saw him recently to only hear him say what he had said so many years ago, "you're too smart for your own good."

I didn't understand it until he introduced me to my favorite writer. Then, I understood it wasn't just a compliment. It was laced with sadness until recently. I think he, along with too many people, saw me as something special that couldn't last. Everyone besides maybe my brother was probably waiting for the moment I'd implode and change or evaporate.

I think he found the parallels in my words and assumed the worst that way. Sometimes I think people do the same and assume I'm ready to fall apart.

I don't think he understood me truly until he saw me now and saw that the flame was blue, but it was stronger for it. My strength lies in the very place it's threatened. I'm not burdened, and that's something that has always been that way.

There aren't pebbles filling my pockets pulling me into the depths of unknown waters. There's an endless supply of pebbles falling from my hands, building mountains to elevate me out of dark waters.

I guess that's why I'm not afraid of demons. I'm afraid of mundane things like the dark and old wood floors that make me think I'm about to be killed, but I'm not afraid of the demons we all carry beneath our skin, nailed to our bones.

I'm not romanticizing any of it, but I'm simply unafraid to swim with the shadows...

I guess you could say this professor became an important person in my life, to a degree. The truth is... as much as I loved my friends, none of them understood the thunderstorm in my head. He introduced me to pen and paper in a way I had never allowed myself to be acquainted with anything. Everything I had written before had been shared with someone. I spent a year weaving my soul into that journal's spine without a single intent of letting anyone see it. It was a surprise when I found myself walking to the humanities building and into his office.

I felt boulders crumble off my back when I did, and I realized that I would always be my greatest ally and most fearsome obstacle.

No pill or doctor could tell me how to fix myself. No group session would fix every trauma. No chemical could turn me into the societal construct of normality.

I think that was when I finally loved myself. I saw beauty in myself beyond the surface or any appearance standard. I had spent years helping fix everyone and letting myself fall down branches to keep everyone around me sane.

I'm glad I had this time to myself...

I learned what being selfish really meant, and it wasn't something horrid. It was needed and welcomed.

These last two years to the date have been a cleansing period of sorts...

I started to understand what friends were truly the ones who would have my back and who would be the first to drench me in gasoline before they lit the match and blamed me for it.

I can't say I've perfected it, but I've come to let go of many memories and have gotten better at seeing people for how they are to me now.

I spent a good portion of the last two years writing songs on a red couch and in recording rooms letting the voices in my head escape. I've also just spent time on my own for myself and come to my own before letting anyone else step into that door.

I didn't need crazy drinking and partying to live out that time...

I've immortalized demons in paper and given life to feelings I would never give up.

There was a time where every friend I thought had been my best friend was no where to be found, but I stood back to back with a six foot giant called Bryant who I couldn't stand initially. I found friends in unexpected places and will forever be thankful to everyone... Jax, Carmen, Bryant, Angie, Danny, Jess, Alysha... everyone

Bryant, though...
He was a typical fuck boy in many ways. He was the typical guy who broke hearts, and I couldn't stand everything I had come to know about him. He reminded me to be humane. He reminded me that there was a human with all of the veins filled of mistakes. He showed me what redemption looked like for him. He taught me an unexpected patience.

He showed me that he wasn't his mistakes...

That none of us were.

With time I wasn't tied to him because of a school assignment. Ty, Andy, Bryant, and I grew close between chords and aimless melodies. Jessica, Alysha, Karina, and Ali were always around, too. We'd watch as Bryant picked up girls much to our distaste. I didn't like his games, and then he met a girl who made him weak in the knees. I remember the day he fell in love. I remember the day she broke his heart. I remember the moment he looked back at me with a few drinks under his belt talking about how he had kissed our friend. Then I realized that the new look in his eyes was one similar to the one I saw in my own.

I saw how different it also was, though. I realized however realistic I had become... I would forever be a hopeless romantic and feel that this... this love I have is one of a kind. It's a love of a lifetime. Quote me on that...

So here it is... I met this guy. I've written about him here, before. I remember the day I drove from work to LA. I was speechless... I remember the combat boots I wore and everything. I remember feeling my heart beat. I remember shaking it off. I tired to, at least...

Bryant watched me write. He had a melody, and I was buzzing... I just found the words somewhere laying in the dark from meeting this boy who felt like someone I had always known... Does that make sense? No.

It just felt like a piece of me laid in his palm somehow...

He said things that matched my core in a way he couldn't have known. I sat in my booth trying to understand the click I felt with him... I wanted to know more. He said things only my soul would whimper. I missed the part where I was falling for him...

I remember being back to back with Bryant at a show. Right after he asked me if "the cute boy" had asked for my number yet, and I found myself telling him more about this guy who I couldn't shake...

This guy who I had met in my History of Rock class knew little about me in the bigger spectrum of things but understood how I ticked. He saw the wheels in my eyes and knew enough to keep the smirk to himself.

I was so sure Jacques wasn't interested at times... Bryant told me that was foolish to think.

As I found my footing with my friends, I saw Bryant, Jess, and the rest less and less. We had all gone separate ways, but they really helped me be unafraid in many ways.

I continued to grow in other aspects, and there was this boy who was anything but a fleeting emotion... He was a growing presence... He was so much more

So that brings us back to Jacques.

That boy.

He was different. He wasn't someone I had to mold myself to fit. I didn't have to filter myself, and he was instantly so welcoming... so accepting of me in every respect.

Someone I never grew tired of...

I don't feel a need to defend my love for him, but I find myself here tonight smiling at a way I can summarize a piece of it or at least talk about a piece of our love...

First, I know there are/were nay sayers. It's not something that surprises me.

This is reality, after all. Not everyone likes diamonds. Not everyone is going to like us.

Anyone who is in our lives, though, isn't part of that pool. So really... none of that is relevant.

The thing is... I'm 22. I'm not 7, 12, 16, or even 19 anymore, and I will never be THAT again. I have pieces of those girls, but I'm better than those girls. I'll be better at 23 and even better at 36.

There's a peace to me and a direction where there was aimlessness in them... and that's solely based on my individual growth.

I know people could look at me and say I've changed. Yeah, I'm not the same in that basic level of being older... but my core is cemented. I have changed on my own accord and even just being with Jacques. I've become stronger and less shameless in my skin. I've come to my own, and I've come to understand that my time is precious... I've come to see my value in a way that I can't imagine wasting it on anything or anyone who breaks me down. I don't have the need to understand everyone's demons. I don't have a need to tame everyone's fears...

Thing is... I've changed him more than he's changed me. I see it. I'm so proud of him. I wonder if he sees the beauty in my growth as I see it in him...

See... I see the positive growth in us both, but I see how much of an evolution he's made... I see his actions surpass his words, and this love I have for him only grows.

I feel like when you're growing up you're trying out ice cream flavors. Then you try the one flavor, and you just know. THAT is your flavor...

Does that make sense? Maybe not. I don't know.

I guess the way I can put it is that this is how I've wanted to be. This is better than I could have ever thought it would be. Meeting him I saw him and felt the right fit... It was like it all just evolved naturally. It all evolved how it did, because it was him...

I'm watching two "life tapes" come together, intertwining into an even better montage. Every moment with him, whether we're physically together or apart, is one that I hold close to my heart.

Having met him... Having him in my life... that's the best present I've ever received. There isn't a person who intrigues me more or makes my heart skip beats like him. There isn't a person I'd rather share it all with. There isn't another person like him. I love him...

And it's crazy to think that one person is getting and will get pieces of me no one else will or has plus the pieces I've shared with anyone else...

He's my boyfriend, he's an inspiration, he's my best friend... my rock.

I guess tonight was just a reminder. I sat with old friends talking about an old English course and History of Rock... We talked and toasted Bryant's new opportunity, and I talked to him about Jacques.

How a life with him is worth fighting for. How happy I am with him and within myself. How it's nice to be around them, but there's nothing alluring about the past.

Things are simpler, clearer, and better...

I don't have a thirst to splatter words on melodies and connect with strangers.

I have dreams and goals, but it's clearer. How Jacques has this subtle way of giving me something to believe in that's better than anything else...

How every memory I've made I want to remake with him... I looked at Bryant and asked him if he remembered how I looked at the city lights... The city got me. I got the city.

The city lights were my counterpart until Jacques came around... then they were just a backdrop, and he was the centerpiece...

I have no words. I really don't. It's going to be 6 months on Wednesday. It's going to be 6 months that we've been together and about 10 months of just knowing him...

That's so little compared to how long I've been on this Earth... how long he's lived.

Yet... the time with him is precious in a way that the time before can't quite compare...


There's fun in it all, but as I told Bryant... I'm not lured by the past or any of those things.

He's off to do his thing, and his flight will be leaving soon. I told him what he told me once upon a time. It was as he put it, "you weren't as bad as I thought."

It was a joke, you see. I thought he was absolutely annoying at first, and he is. He's quite annoying, but Ty and Andy tone him down. We were all a big group that had tones. That's why we all worked.

It's nice to see everyone go their way. I'm the youngest, as usual... And I know that's why Bryant had a protective nature with me. I know that's why he pretended to be gay for a week to pull one over me. I know that's why he pulled me to the side and told me it was so me to almost not show up and avoid him telling me that he was proud of me.

He said very sweet things, and I couldn't help smile at his prediction for Jacques and I... He held that same kindness Danny holds for me... The same kindness my old employees did and still do... It made me feel so good.

It wasn't a sad goodbye, either. It was a pleasant good luck. It was a pleasant thank you for being a friend and not another guy trying to get under my skirt. It was a thank you for not judging him and being that ear when his heart got broken. It was a thank you from all of us to each other. We all don't really talk anymore... not much. It's rare. It's nice, though, to come together for the buddy. I think we all knew he needed that restart. It was nice to hear him tell me I've grown... It was nice to enjoy myself and just recognize how distant from all of it I am.

I sat there having a good time, but I was so in tune with how apart from that I am now.

How Jacques has shifted that tide for me... How HE holds that shine... TO ME

Anyways, this is a rambly rambly one.

Jacques is currently in Vegas... and I really do miss him. There's so much in store, and I can't wait to see him come back. I can't wait for all that's coming, either...

But for now... My allergies are ALL ALIVE. Haha...

Sooo
It's time
Good night.

Xx

Not Quite On or Off

I've been so on
But we all have off days

I'm not all rainbows
It's only fair to share that part, right?

I mean

Idk what it is

It's like a pebble growing into a rock transforming into a boulder until the hole is enveloped and air can't get through.

I think I like to play the strong card too much. It's what I'm used to. Anything else is a burden, so I hold myself up. I'm not a burden to myself.

I'm learning that anyone who makes you feel that way isn't someone you need...

Especially since sometimes I feel like the pebble amongst boulders

I'm not a smooth pebble, though
There's chips
There's cracks

And I think sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I dive in head first and let people rip me at my seams in order to take care of others.

I feel myself grow so drained, and it's a tug of war, but I don't want to participate in that anymore.

I think it sucks when you cut a thread you thought was stronger than a rope only to realize it wasn't made of gold. It can be severed in a blink of an eye and be gone just like that.

I look at life, and it's good in every sense. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm on the road to something even better, but I'm human. I get tired and have my own demons...

I just do have boulders pressing down on me, and I'm reminded that my cracks deepen with the pressure sometimes.

I'm reminded that not everyone is affected by my absence and in turn cares little for my presence. I can't save everyone. I can't subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. I can't make excuses for people like that... I'm a priority and can't apologize for acknowledging my worth

I feel nauseas when it comes to people sometimes... At least right now.

I feel my mind telling me to focus on school.

I miss my friends, though

I miss the whole pie

And it sucks feeling like I dropped a slice

And so I can't sleep and throw away that card

Instead I'm going out trying to figure this time out

I don't like that. I feel like I need to, but I don't. Not every hole needs to be rushed to fill.

The truth is that hole held such a value to me that can't be so easily filled. It'll be filled when it is. For now I'm satisfied doing what I need to for myself.

Trying to figure out if I'm normal?
I'm stable
But I'm not

I'm 22, so I shouldn't be like this
I should be out not so focused?

No

That's never been me
I have a goal
And my sight on a prize

So no one gets to tell me what I should do in that regard.

There's no shame in admitting confusion and pain. Maybe all I need is support at this point, because there's no answer to this.

I'm just frustrated, and I think I'm good at giving advice but forget to take my own.

I'm tired, because I'm my worst critique.

I'm always pushing myself to a breaking point, and I need to remember to look around...

I need to remember to breathe and laugh

I'm far from perfect, and it's hard right now, but it won't be forever

It's just hard to feel the cracks on the floor you thought was solid and feel the cracks on your shoulder made by a hand you thought was your own

I guess it's like being let down by your own judgment and for a moment question trust in yourself


That's life, though, right?

I can't expect anyone to save me. Life isn't like a movie. No one will come around and read your soul fixing every crack. No one will just know what to say or how to support you to make it all better in a single blow. It's a learning process. The cracks and process have too much substance to try and change them. Perfect isn't better. Life is beautiful in all of its tumbles and twists.

Life doesn't always feel like we're doing it right, though, but we do what we can.

We just need to remember that people will always point out what they feel you're doing wrong, but they don't see all the work you put in.

You know.


I guess that's what makes me feel at ease, though...

Look,

I'm confused, because I used to feel that I knew who would be in my life. It flipped on me, and it still doesn't make sense. I'm not aimless, but I'm shook.

It'd be weird if I wasn't. It would devalue what I claimed to have felt so dearly.

I feel things far too deeply, even now, and it makes my stomach turn when I feel like a fool.

But I guess there's a bright side to this. Your 20's are tough and just get worse, according to Carmen.

We were at Blaze about like 7 or 8 months ago?

She was telling me I needed to let myself feel, and maybe I'm on the other tip where I waited too long and everything came flooding in after so long.

Curtains are being ripped open, and I'm seeing what the world really looks like beyond the walls I built for myself.

Anyways, nights like tonight I feel the weight on my shoulders.

The truth is this entire week has been a roller coaster, and I guess I hold it too close to my chest until I'm distant with myself.

Anyways, I guess the point of this post is to say that it's going to be okay.

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Sometimes you just need to remember that and understand that life will throw curveballs at you.

You're human and stumbling doesn't make you weak. Sometimes you just need to cry and feel the weight of it all, but you can't let it block your air.

You need to stand up and hold your head high, because you're going to be great. You're going to do great things, and you can't sell yourself short.

You can cry, but you can't cry over the people who couldn't see you. People do see you, so don't focus on the ones who don't.

As for me. I need to remember I signed up for this.

I'm not unhappy with the routine. It's troublesome and tiresome, but it's doable.

I think I'm a classic case of sow times questioning when a finger is pointed to me.

But I know... It's a weird time in regards to realizing the roster you have by your side. I'm not in a rush, though, and I think those around me worry about that.

Am I going to lose my substance?

No

I'm just not someone who looks. I look for change when I desire it and require it... When I need and want it


I'm going through changes, but I'm not rushing the process.

It just sucks at times, but I'm glad that there are people around me who understand that. In the way that it'll all work out.

I have such a strong appreciation for the people who haven't pointed their fingers at me for taking on too much and basically caging myself to this routine

The friends who understand that I just need rest or that on certain days my free time is craved to be spent elsewhere.

They support me, and I appreciate that.

I appreciate that on nights where the weight is felt on my shoulders they're there.

And that gives me hope. In a sea of fears and turmoil, there are a handful of people who exceed the expectations I had. Those are the people who I know are waiting on the sidelines cheering me on.

Those are the people I hope stick around, because I'm telling you it's going to be a wild ride... But it'll be one worth your time.

It's definitely worth mine.(:

Life is beautiful even when the world feels like it's making a fool out of you. I wouldn't change it if I could.

Snapshots

Something inside of me has changed.

My feet are planted when it comes to him.

And “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him]. Don’t need no butterflies when [he gives] me the whole damn zoo…”

I guess you could say I’m just so happy and so very happy with him.

It feels like I’m spinning in joyous circles.

As time inches forward, I find myself more at peace. Life is interesting like that. It’s easy to look at relationships and question them. Why are two people so dependent on each other, right?

It’s easy to say that from the outside.

It’s easy to judge something you don’t know especially when all you know serves to support that shortsighted and just closed-minded view you’ve developed…

I’m not someone who has all the answers.

I don’t have any answers really, but I felt like I was in on a secret as I was tugging his hand to the log ride and skipping with his eyes drinking in the view.

I guess being with him feels like I am in on a secret the me a few months ago wouldn’t have comprehended.

Now, it’s no secret I’ve been hurt, in the past, too. I wouldn’t say that made me bitter, though, but it definitely stripped a layer of trust in my own judgment.

There’s a melting of your soul that happens when you believe in someone so much, and they go ahead tearing all of the safety blankets you’ve taken a life to create.

Having your heart be plunged into with sharpened knives does something to you mentally and emotionally. Your soul is melted, like I said, and it’s transferred over from that naïve state into a chamber of safety. All guards are up, but in the process you lose some parts of your soul. They’re left out in a different room; they’re no longer in the pilot’s seat… for then, at least.

Long story short, it sucks.

Then you meet one person.

Cliché, innit?

It feels like all the pieces of me are coming back to me, but they’re better now. Those pieces have grown up as have I, even when they weren’t with me all the time.

I guess that’s what I mean by saying, “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him].”

I was so focused on myself and building that empire, which I will do… but I lost sight of the simple matters. I forgot I wasn’t quite whole. I wanted to keep that hole, except he didn’t give me the chance to keep him away.

It’s a fear of being a fool who only crushes their own sanity… repeating mistakes of a lifetime’s lessons.

I didn’t want to think about the affairs of my heart. I didn’t want to intertwine, right?

I kept telling myself that. I wasn’t looking for any of it, and I might have closed myself off completely… but I wasn’t ready until I met him.

Maybe that’s how it works. You’re never ready until you meet that special person.

It’s not life changing. The light doesn’t envelope them in a surreal glow… your fears are present. You scramble and make fools of yourselves… sometimes hurting each other in the process… but not everything is a clean break, anyways.

What I’m saying is you’ll get it one day, if you don’t yet.

I could practically go on about how you have no idea the surprise that awaits you.

Be warned, though, you might have people around you screaming fool.

They’ll either stop, or you’ll let go of them.

I’ve learned that you can’t hold people to who they were and sometimes you need to remember that you can’t mold your happiness to suit everyone around you.

Don’t abandon your life and friends… that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am saying, though, that you shouldn’t be put in the situation where you’re constantly being belittled for being happy with someone.

They’re not “That’s So Raven” lol

It’s all I’m saying

People who love you will support you and won’t “victim blame you” in a sense.

Your relationships with others will change, though, and that’s normal, because not everyone will be what you thought they would be.

You’ll know if that’s on you or them, though

You’ll grow out of the petty environment

Priorities change

Life is a larger spectrum of colors, and you’ll take off with a blazing light speed

You’ll see who tries to tie boulders to your ankles and who just makes sure you don’t burn so close to the sun

Every relationship is different and reserved to the individual, though, so they don’t get to belittle what you love or WHO you love. REMEMBER THAT.

Friends won’t do that…

No one gets to define your relationship but the two of you…

Be happy. Enjoy your love. Enjoy YOUR life.

It’s great. I promise. 

I can tell you that he's blown me out of the water. He goes to my lecture halls with me and sits there supporting me during the times I need it most. He wipes away the tears I'm too stubborn to let other see. He encourages me to take the jumps I'm too scared I won't land, but he reminds me it's my choice. I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself with him, and I've shared with him things no one else will get. I trust him like no other, and he's the only one I want to share all of it with. He's it. 

I'm so endlessly intrigued by him wanting to know it all about him and sharing every bit of me he didn't see growing up. 

I've shown him pictures of me in ridiculous outfits with thumbs up and colorful sweaters. 

I've seen adorable pictures of him... and my heart swells even more.

All of him makes me fall for him even at his worst it's never someone I'd leave. It's not a matter of how much I can take but how will we help each other? How will we grow through this? What's going to be our story?

I look at him and see a lifetime. I don’t mean a fairy tale. I mean a life full of bumps that I want to face with him. I see a mortgage and children. I see trips and ridiculous work events where we drag each other. I see inside jokes and ridiculous pictures. It’s an array of memories I would never give up.

It’s countless of journal entries extracted from my heart.

It’s a love injected directly into my bloodstream that no longer can be stopped.

I hope everyone gets to experience this at some point in time.

I’m terrified of falling, but I feel safe with him.

I’m terrified and my heart feels like it can’t stop, so I cling to him on that ride.

It takes one ride, and I realize how okay I am with facing fears and anxiety seems to trickle off my back like a ghost of a past life… I feel something growing inside and can’t get over it… How he naturally holds me. How happy I am under the poorly lit ambiance next to the pony express where I can’t possibly look beautiful oogling over the ICEE, but his eyes somehow think I do. 

My heart was so joyous on that merry go round, those spinning hats, jaguar… the log ride! Those spinning hats were so fun, though! Hahaha It was quite a representation of how these feelings caught me off guard all those months ago…. How they spun us around and tossed us on our heads even. It was such a perfect time. I had a great time with him last night and appreciate those moments. Then again it comes to the point that doing things is really fun, and you’ll enjoy them… but it’s the company that makes the experience.

We sat on a pier not so long ago. It was dark. You could just hear the crashing of waves on rocks. The idea of falling wasn’t really present in my mind. The never-ending darkness didn’t weigh at my ankles. I wasn’t scared. I was in bliss. The moment was treasurable with him by my side. I enjoyed my view, but it was just the background. I still wanted to look at him. It was ours, and I’ve never been one to share before I met him.

Suddenly I want to share everything with him. I want the snapshots of life with us in every one.

 Us always the focus...

I'm so sweetly falling and crashing in the tides of our love, and I don't want to ever fight the waves. It took us a while, but all of his scars and mistakes have become my own. We've caught each other and intertwined so beautifully. He's seen my flowers and roots, loving them equally...

It's going to be such a ride, and I'll surely hide my face in his chest when I'm scared, but I'll trust him to hold me tight when I need it and open my eyes when I'm too stubborn to do it on my own. It's just so natural, whatever we do.

And every day I'm still choosing to fall for him. 

This love, it's never-ending.

Xx

Just Don't Touch My Soul With Dirty Hands

That's the secret, right?

I've given you my soul and opened doors for you to walk through, but I just hope you remember to never touch me with dirty hands. Is it too rash to say I know you wouldn't, though? I guess it's just the trust I have in you talking...

With the sun going down and your heart beating steady I can't help but sprawl my body out against yours. Our legs so casually tangled and my hands memorizing you like the intricate lines of my favorite pattern...

My fingertips feel the stubble grow, and I can't help giggle. You hate to shave... but you do it anyway. I LOVE when you shave, but I've learned to love the way your stubble feels against my skin.

It's bliss... being with you.
It's bliss seeing the way your eyes look at me.
It's bliss sharing every piece of me with you.

The way you talk about me to others even as I can't understand what you're saying makes my heart grow. Your love is clear, and I can't help but want to hold your hand. I can't help but want to explain how you're the sunlight I look to.

I can't help but let my soul turn to mush as a lifetime with you plays in my head. I can't help but gasp as I catch myself wanting to be old with you.

It's bliss.

I tell you silly stories and sometimes squeeze one out of you. You're a little harder to crack, but it's so special when you do share things with me. It's great when your whispers fill my ears.

My heart does a little dance every time you give me THAT smile. You kiss me and tell me little things not knowing how much it means to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat. Is that silly? Maybe.

I have a lifetime with you, and yet I just want to know you better now. I can't get my fill of you, and I don't see it happening any time in our lives.

Sometimes there's nothing to be said in that moment, but I seem to just invent it as I go. If only to hold that communication with you. We can talk about anything! I don't care if I'm on a ramble or spilling a fear... like I said it just comes out, and I'm okay with it as it goes.

I never seem to run out of tenderness for you.

I keep reaching for you, because I need to feel you close.

The small window is closing, and we have to face this coming struggle together, but I have no doubt we will.

You've given me an extra backbone even while I'm sick feeling like a lifeless body... you give me something I can't describe. Even if it's just the strength to open my eyes... You give me that, and I'm able to share my love with you for that moment longer.

I hope you excuse my bad writing and emotional tsunami of words. I guess you do that to me. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that the rawness in my writing is evident. It's not polished how people expect, because I want you to see. I want you to understand that I don't care whether my words are delivered beautifully, because they're meant beautifully. They're genuine, and I don't sit here thinking of how to say what it is I want to say. I just try to show you my heart. No, I just show you my heart and hope that that's beauty enough for you.

I wonder if you remember me telling you how much I enjoy a particular writer's style. She's someone who is typically very heavy in their influence on my style. I haven't embraced it in a while, which is good to be honest. She was quite tortured, but there are some beautiful things she wrote.

There's one thing in particular that I read, and I hope you see the beauty in it. It's how I feel for you...

"In a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second."

You see, whether we are physically near or far... you're with me. You are in the borders of my mind and in the entirety of my heart. We will get through time and have so many more memories to hold.

I'll forever hold the summer nights of tangled limbs with your smile looking into me. I'll forever hold the moments you told me you loved me, because you could, so you did... so I'd never forget, but I couldn't when you show me every day. I'll always hold these memories of us holding hands and even the pouting moments you get in your head. I'll always be full of you, and I'll always cry for you. If anyone is worth the tears, it's you.

I guess what I'm saying is some people wait around hoping they're enough for someone, but even as strangers we knew each other in a way other people don't understand. You're enough for me. You're what I want and want to keep... You make me feel like I'm the same for you, and there's nothing more wonderful than that to me.

A lifetime of you and me, cause there's a part of me I keep under lock and key... But somehow your key fits perfectly with me, and there's only one key, baby, so I hope you keep it close to you for me.

A Letter to... My Mother

This is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to put together. It's not a matter of just feelings but sorting out events... revisiting the past. It's about allowing myself to feel it all for you. I've held you up like the stars in the sky, and you'll always be dear to me... but there's so much I've never been allowed to say... It was easier to just put it all aside and hope it'd whither away.

For a long time I held resentment towards you, and it wasn't until I grew up a bit that I learned to let go. In the process of letting go of that pain, I think I lost a vital part of what made me that little girl that fueled my core to be so great.

I find myself regaining vital parts of my core, and I guess it's time I let things out versus try to push them aside with every fiber.

We've never had the best relationship, that's no secret, and I know we won't have the relationship I wish we could. I know that... That's not mine to have with you. I accept that, but it doesn't mean I've stopped wishing we could... We have snapshots in time of moments of what could have been, and I think that's what makes me cry the most. It's not impossible. It's not like you're incapable of it... I hold so much love for you, and it's hard understanding that the connection you have with my siblings isn't one we'll ever truly posses. Our relationship has been constructed in such a way it's almost an experiment. It's controlled. A lot of the success doesn't come from your soul, though. The strings that were attached to you belong to my brother, and I've come to accept that, too.

The funny thing is I've always prided myself on not begging for attention. I've never needed anyone, right?... I'm strong, I make people believe... I'm a one person show. I can make every room my own. I never needed anyone. Wanting and needing are different things... And yet...
I needed you. I never needed anyone, other than you. I wanted you to love me with every fiber of my being. I was quite literally climbing brick walls and falling to empty grounds. You never came to pick me up, though. You never ran to me, and I learned to stand up ready to dust myself off. I learned to never look for you.

I missed you when the lights went out, and I was terrified, but you were never there. It didn't matter if I was in my room or a hospital bed. I only knew the demons in my head knew me more than you ever dared... From the moment I was born, you were sick... or so I was told. Maybe that's why we held that disconnect? I can't place you in memories unless you were plucking the petals from my stem.

Maybe that's why I clung to my brother, because he showed me a love I never felt from you or my dad... Even then... I know I hold him to an unreasonable standard. He's not a young God. He makes mistakes, but I know he at least tried...

I can't see myself in you. I see the traces of you and dad in my siblings, but I'm the odd one out. I'm the one killing you, right?

Everyone was quick to praise me, while you stood with a machete at my roots. I jumped higher trying to impress you, but there were walls of trophies occupying your attention none of which belonged to me. My accomplishments, medals, trophies, anything and everything... were all tossed to the side and eventually gone with the trash, but you held onto anything that came from anyone else.

I had to compete with ghosts of people who meant less than nothing to you in the greater aspect of things, and I found my place with that.

That really hurt, though. That broke me down. I never felt like I could compare. Suddenly I found myself letting the seeds you'd put in my head grow. I was paralyzed by the weeds that would never let me grow. I was the kid you seemed to only hold when eyes were on us.

Prodigy? No, that was never me, and you had a million reasons why. All I wanted was a reason from you of why I could. I learned it would never be enough, though. Where others saw beauty and potential you saw a little girl who wasn't what you wanted... I was never everybody else...

Everyone else just seemed to be greater when measured next to me, at least in your eyes...

You taught me to turn hard and reject the tears that fell from my eyes. I hated myself for too long. I was taken from a cage just to be put into a smaller one each time.

Eventually my body became just another example of that. I was quite literally plagued by every heart twisting memory we had. That was my fuel for so long, and I felt my legs sinking into holes with each step. I stopped caring, and when I saw a spark of something... It wasn't for me. I only saw desperation in your eyes as I slipped from anyone's grasp... because you feared the effect it would have on your relationship with my brother. I realized that, and I knew you'd never change.

We're too far apart, and I know I wasn't what you wished. I was never easy. I was a hurricane. I was too much. You just couldn't run away from me, because of what they would all say. Even then... I know you love me in a way only a mother could. I tell myself this all the time. When you compare me to even my best friend or boyfriend... I tell myself this is just what you know. It's all fueled by love somehow.

My sister and you have always told me I have the worst attitude, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the times I've given you white hairs and all the times I've jumped off edges without thinking of the impact. I'm sorry I questioned it all and in turn made things hard for you... but I can't seem to apologize for being myself. I can't apologize for the feelings I've always had. I can't apologize for the heartache I had. I can't apologize for the arguing only for the words that were tossed.

You've taught me a lot. You're the reason I like to think I'm as level headed as I am (most of the time). I just learned that I can't control anyone's actions... only my reactions. I can't fight you with pain and anger. I respect you. I love you. I might never understand the logic behind our relationship, but I will always know I love you. You're my mother, and I've seen you cry for your mother. I hope you believe I've shed those tears for you, because I have... I do.

In a way I'm jealous that you have a relationship with your mother the way you do, because it's something that can't be torn even with time and space... Yet ours feels like it hangs on because of the distance.

As I've grown, I see your relationship change with my brother. I see him slowly pulling away in some ways, and I see how easily it is for you to not resume communication. Maybe that's something I get from you... the ease of cutting people out. I hope you don't take this offensively, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be like you or dad. I want those traits in certain aspects of my life... Not in my personal life, though.

Professionally, you've given me the skin to survive. I'm too sensitive, but when that skin comes out... I can't be torn apart. I just don't want that to seep into my heart... I won't let it. I won't let my strength be the demise of my heart...

With a heavy heart, I understand that the pictures of me are my brother's doing, but I no longer wish they were because of you... I see the ripped pictures and the strained connections. I see that maybe I'm not the broken one between us both.

I can't tell you that I've stopped wishing we could talk, though. That would be a lie.

The way I talk about us, people think we have this great relationship, but Gauri knows better...


Our relationship is like the house... it's being renovated, but it's still the same house. There's new parts and the important ones are being replaced. They're better, but they weren't the ones that were meant to be when the house was initially made. You see, we're great at the surface, but our relationship has become only that... we're a surface relationship.

Gauri came over that time and found the house empty, but it wasn't. I acted like it didn't bother me, but I felt my throat close. I looked at her as if nothing but leaving was on my mind, but I couldn't get over the stinging that was spreading through my limbs.

I didn't want her to see that it was just a house not a home... because that's how it feels. It feels like you all hide from me and don't want me around. Everyone goes to their corners and hides... Idk

It's hard to explain, huh? It's okay.

I do want to say thank you, though. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for the laughs we have had, however few. Thank you for the words we've shared lately. Thank you for so many things...

I know this is another moment in time... I know it'll come to a close, but I know we'll have another moment where we hopefully grow close again. I've learned how to be around you, I guess. I'm just not the best at it... I guess. I don't know how to tell you I'm not what you want, and I won't ever bend backwards again. I'm not willing to break myself for you to feel that power over me again. I won't let myself fall into fire in the hopes you'll watch me rise from ashes. I won't hurt myself to give you strength.

I know you're great. I've seen you with kids. It used to feel like you were kind to everyone but me... but that's not true. You're one of the kindest souls. You're a great mother. What we have isn't a fair representation of you... Because I see the greatness in you. There were plenty of times you were there calming my fevers at night... I see the heart that resides inside... So I hope you know I don't hate you. I hope you never look back and wish things had been different. I hope you never feel the pain I felt. I hope you go on with life unaware of the things you never listened to back then.

You wouldn't listen then, and I pray you don't start now. It's too late. It'd only break your heart, so I hope you go on loving the only way you know how. I was never a victim, by the way. You were the victim in all of this. You didn't know different. You don't know another way. You're stuck. I could go on, but I want to explain how I'm anything but the victim. I came out of this like a phoenix. (Guess that nickname Marvin gave me was suiting after all lol) Really, though, I won't ever be crushed by four enclosed walls again. Words are like water. My gasoline is love... it's something no one can break. I'm like a wildfire that can't be put out. You won't ever have to worry about me being the one to fall off, because I know how to get up and crush every obstacle in my way. You never have to worry about me in those ways. Am I strong? Yes. Mommy, you never have to sleep wondering if I can, because I promise you that there isn't a single doubt in me or the world of what I'm capable of.

Sure, this is meant to let it all out, but it's more than that. I want you to know that none of what happened made me damaged goods. I hate that saying, and it's always tossed around in my direction. The phrase itself has such a terrible connotation... know that those chips on my shoulder made way for better. You might see all the things in me that aren't "fit." You taught me that the world is full of critics, and sure there's always room for improvement, but I don't need to prove myself. I'm not my mistakes. I'm not my flaws. I'm more than my shortfalls. Everyone will see a million things that are wrong with me, but I just need to see the goodness in myself.... Mommy, I do. I'm not perfect and do stumble. I don't see anything wrong with needing a little help sometimes. Just know that we're good. Know that I really do love you. I'll always love you, and there's nothing a single soul can do to change that. My love for you is something unbreakable. I love you despite of your shortfalls. I will always love you.

Maybe one day, we'll even have a better connection. I just know that there's a lot of love in your heart and one day my children will be lucky enough to feel that from you in a way I didn't. Now, that is all that I truly want from you. Selfish of me until the end, huh? I just see the way you are, and I know you love me. I know you have so much love inside of you. I know that when the day comes, you'll love my children in a way they could never have seen coming to them, and I'm already thankful for that.

I hope you don't ever take offensively that I want to learn from the mistakes you and Dad made. I want to be a better parent to my children and in turn, like I said, maybe you'll see that and be greater grandparents than you ever thought you could be. And as I said... I won't ever bend backwards again for your approval, but that's for my own good. I'm living my life and hopefully that's enough for you. I hope you look at me and see something you love, because we won't have an unlimited time together. We have to make the best of these years.

Xx