A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...