Truth Be Told...

I sang a song over and over until my vocal chords felt like sandpaper had enveloped them.

It's bittersweet, you know?

Some things...

I did something and didn't tell a soul other than my sleeping boyfriend who I didn't realize was asleep until he had no response that I realized he was in dreamland lol.
But hey I knew they'd judge me. I knew they'd look down on me and think I was weak...

But I don't think they get that I'm not stupid.
I don't think they understand that my strength lies in what they perceive as weakness...

I wasn't going to go through with it, but I think it was something I deserved...

You know... I think it's evident I was doubting myself and looking into quicksand at a very close proximity hahaha

It comes to no surprise that when I don't take a step back for myself there's great people around me that don't just tug at my sleeves... they help me take that step back for myself with open arms for when I do need them.

Thing is I do stupid things. Some things don't end well. A clean break isn't always how it ends up... and you'd think I'd know better. There's times I feel something else is left and go dipping my toes to find fangs snapping too slow, only scratching me, to ever pull me under... but then there's times I'm glad I did dip my feet into the serene water...

Basically, there's someone who hurt me a lot.
What did I do? I reached out to them.

Wait for it...

I was so anxious trying to wear my big girl pants keeping everything so close to my chest...

I had these swollen eyes and felt walls enclosing me. Someone had just used words that had been used on me before. Was it so simple? Was that all it took? Letting someone in left me vulnerable, but I didn't think this blow would come from that direction...

I wasn't in control of my body, and I felt 16 for a moment.

So was I going to dip my feet into the only other person who had had this same opportunity?

Of course not.

So why was I writing?

An email that was never meant to be sent when it was fully written was indeed sent. I restarted my phone. I shook it like a magic eight ball waiting for the convenient undo button (thanks for nothing Apple jk but really? )... and nothing. Word has an undo button. Why can't my email do the same?

Long story short, she replied today.

The email I sent made it clear I had no resentment. Life can be tough... I understood that being dealt the wrong cards and having no support system sets you up for some shitty situations when you're young... being in a pool of blood basically means you're going to come out stained red.

In my email I explained that I still cared, but I wasn't bending over or reaching my hand over that ledge. While I had no intentions of rekindling the friendship we had let be lost... I hoped she had found her way.

In my moment of broken Laura... I hoped that she was okay. I hoped that the person who had seen this side of me for quite a long time and had eased me was now okay.

I spilled a fear as if I was 17 all over again. I started the email saying that I did in fact miss her, but the memory... because I've never found weakness in honesty. I told her she had hurt me. I have given too many passes to people, and I wasn't going to say it had been okay... none of it was.

It wasn't meant as an attack. I wasn't blaming her, but I made it known that while all of that was a thing... I wasn't her victim.

We stood on an equal platform. I've always said that about anyone.

So yeah...

I would never put her down to this day... but I did make sure I pointed out the difference in our execution of the loss we had had.

We officially stopped being friends a year and a half ago.

Everything after that was smoke breaking away from the flames that had been put out so messily.

Anyways, I gave her a break down of life after her. I explained how I was anxious and gave her a brief... very brief snip of how I was in love... how he's a good one. The fear recent events (none his doing) had put in me.

She would have loved him, btw, because I know at the prime of our friendship... she would have rooted for me all the way down the aisle if I chose for it to be that way...

Truth is she held my hair once upon a time as I threw up and reminded me old habits didn't bind me. She made sure I ate when I was so stubborn... She had her good, like any person does

She gave me a break down of her life, as if we had had no knowledge of anything about each other...

She mentioned bringing me up to our mutual friend... the way Jax froze up. I know this is true. Jax is the type to shut down in those situations. Knowing the situation herself, I know it was her way of keeping us apart... because some things are better left alone.

Closure isn't always needed, but I'm someone who has no problem cutting chords that shock me to a pulp... The email response I received was both sad and beautiful... It was the closure of a lifetime

It was the closure for her and anyone else

It made me remember the friend and even sister I knew in her. She told me how things had indeed fallen apart but how she felt it was karma for what she'd done to me...

That broke my heart, but she was always hearing me say what goes around comes around... I guess it was her way of reminding me about that one

She did something I had forgotten friends were capable of in times of complete vulnerability...

She made me laugh.

"I'm glad you met someone who makes you happy, I'm sure he's not bored of you, you're too crazy to be boring. Know your worth, you're a beautiful woman inside out."

Why did that make me laugh? I don't know. Maybe I was reminded of the teletubbie hair and the rolling down hills like dweebs...

She was supportive about my accomplishments over an email... dare I say proud?
Maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder... I felt the genuine words flow from the screen and into my palm...

She told me she still had all the pictures of us... of me alone. That struck a chord, one that only Jacques would know the weight of... and I felt at peace.

She never apologizes, either.

She's more stubborn than my boyfriend and father combined (and multiplied)... but the fact that she did... and told me I was someone she loved and still does... It blew my mind.

The fact that she sat there writing (something she detests to the core) this beautiful response about how she'd taken me for granted... How irreplaceable I am to this day and WILL be... How all of me and who/what I am doesn't go unnoticed... How I can't ever be forgotten only missed and wanted back...

OMG

Her usage of my full name with words of admiration almost cooled my hot head. I was rooted and glad to close a door to a hall of loopy loopy rooms and receive such an unexpected gift in the process.

I won't lie... I do miss her as I said. She did give me her number in case I need it, but she knows me too well.

And my love for someone in the past won't sway me. She expressed her fear of me rejecting her, and I think it's something we both know is inevitable. I do feel good in the sense that I know she needed this, and if that's the last thing I give her... I'm glad.

Because... the number... it's an extended courtesy I won't touch. I've learned to not reread the same book twice and expect a different story, at that... nor do I WANT to. THAT makes all the difference. Besides, that story just isn't my type, and I'm done reading books. I'm writing them, now.

I told Jacques this... and I mean it, and it might be why I do feel I'm seeing clearer in terms of people surrounding me... But it's that when you find that person (him), you're no longer concerned to entertain the rest.

The matter of the fact is I just don't go back, either. It's always good to turn around and acknowledge it's happened... but it's up to that.

Hey, you can read this and say I'm stupid. That's cool, too...

I just won't change for anyone. This is me.

I have no problem sharing who I am...

I am who I am. NO EXCUSES.

I don't always make the best calls, but I'm glad when I go with my gut versus what others think, because beautiful things come from them.

Essentially you get what you put out, right? Not always... but eventually...

Look...
You may call me stupid and naive... but I think I'm great. Hearing from someone how I made their life better... all the substance I brought to them... even after the fact... I can't explain how good that felt right after my ability of being a friend was just ah

All I want right now is to be with Jacques, and I have no shame in that. In this moment, I want to see his smile and just tell him he has no idea how silly I am and what he's up for with me. I want a box full of pictures with that dork... I want a lie full of memories.

ANYWAYS

It's 1 am, and I'm feeling the effects of a great day featuring Carmen and Jackie plus an email giving me that extra reassurance (from a past friend) that anyone who sees me can't erase me...

Because there's nothing scarier than pouring your soul into someone's hands for them to only pour over and step on.

But yeah
Sleepy
Laura is sleepy
Laura will wish she had slept.

Oops

No regrets, though.

My happy at peace rambles may not be as exciting to you guys, but I do hope you're able to find the joy that I'm projecting.

Now... I go to sleep.

Xx

Life Is A Map That Leads To Your Happiness

Life is funny... the way things happen sometimes.

It’s like water droplets in the shower. Some of them roll off effortlessly and others just disperse at contact. You watch them all the same, though. There’s something so fascinating about them. What makes some stay in tact and others burst? Is it the water pressure? Is it their size? Is it the skin?

I don’t know

Then I’m reminded they’re all just water.

I guess that's the point. The things life throws at us are all just water droplets... in a way. Some roll off... Others burst at contact... Then we absorb some

But some burn when they land in our eyes.

~

I’m looking behind my shoulder but not necessarily looking back—never turning back, right?

It’s sort of like evaluating where I am… that’s what it feels like.

I’m the person who won’t make an effort to keep anyone who doesn’t make an effort to be part of my life; that’s who I’ve become.

In just a year I’ve felt so many things shed off my back. If I really sit down and think about it, I might be caught off guard… I already am.

~

I’ve become fearless in terms of solitude. Don't let that word scare you. This isn't meant to be sad... it's a testament of just how happy I am, and I didn't ever think about it until today... I mean I can be in an empty room and feel at peace but feel alone in a room full of people depending on who's there... but I'm not someone who feels alone. I guess you could say being alone isn't something scary or uncomfortable. I’m not someone who seeks anything out of loneliness, and I wish more people weren’t afraid to spend time with themselves. There's nothing to fear... Being with friends is fun, but it's also nice to have time to yourself and enjoy life for yourself. This is coming from an extrovert hahaha

You can't build yourself around people, basically... You also need to acknowledge that trying to surround yourself with people in order to not be alone will not fill a void... I see so many people do this, and it's something I wish more people would realize isn't the better option

I mean…

Quantity is not quality. That’s a lesson of a lifetime. I’ve always had quantity. It’s never hard to have quantity, and I feared losing quantity for a long time. Then I realized that in all other aspects of my life the quantity factor didn’t scare me.

I didn’t settle, so I wasn’t going to start then…

What I mean by that is that someone else doesn’t measure my value and self worth… How I see myself isn’t dependent on anyone else. Anything I want to include in my life is something I want to be ultimately good for me. I won’t gain something to fill a void. I rather wait out for the right piece worth my efforts. That’s something I’ve also learned along the way…

It’s hard to verbalize but what I’m trying to say is that it’s like baking a cake. You don’t start with a cake. The process of learning to make the right cake for you involves trial and error. Sometimes you don’t have all of the suggested ingredients, and you find substitutes. That might be the cake you want at that moment, but is it or is it convenient? Is it… the right fit? Are you trying to adjust to it? If you know what you want don’t try to settle for a substitute… You can’t always follow someone else’s recipe, sure… Beat to your own drum, but don’t adjust your beat unless it’s for you. I mean… in terms of that cake... Sometimes you don’t need icing on a cake to enjoy it, but if you like icing don’t go without it. I’m going in a circle. Oh boy…

Does that make sense? No, huh? Whoops

Wellll

Look,

I’ve always had this backpack of sorts slung over my shoulder where I carry people and things I shouldn’t. They were pulled out of my heart like shriveled hair strands stuck in a drain—clogging my growth and judgment—and put into a bag that only weighed my shoulder down. Some things are just what you know but not necessarily right. It would have been easier to drop it… the backpack, but you can’t blindly drop a filled bag, either. You can’t, right? You have to look in it at some point and question if they’re things you need or just weight you’re accustomed to carrying but don’t need to or want to carry.

That’s life, though, isn’t it? We carry burdens on our shoulders… whether they’re people, traumas, fears, expectations, etc. Sometimes we carry that self-criticism we’ve been taught and do so blindly, because it’s all we know. We don’t know the other end…

As time passes I’m faced with new faces in the mirror and slowly recognize the person on the other end more and more.

I don’t feel limited by others’ influences… I’m aware that I’m the driver in this car.

I’m able to appreciate myself in a greater magnitude, and others don’t influence that, as I said. That’s a big difference, you see…

The things that scared me yesterday have become the fuel I so desperately needed to just grow into myself.

I’m quite open, but there are pieces of life I’ve held close to my chest in the past or been wary to share, at least…. Not because I’m ashamed. I’m not. It’s just always been easier to turn around and put them aside. I’ve just reached the point where I am able to face the past and acknowledge it all as a whole but also pinpoint sections.

A moment in time I can look back to that caused a string of events was in elementary school.

I developed at quite a young age, you know...

It was strange. Everyone around me still looked 10, but I had a set of curves that drew fireflies to the flame.

There was a girl named Tory who liked Jared. She had cavities, and my sister told me all the things that were wrong with her, but that never made me feel better. I didn’t care that she had told me about the x-rays plagued with cavities. I was just never a fan of putting someone down. That didn’t make me feel better about myself…

That didn’t change the fact that she had called me a fat pig now that I wasn’t as flat as a board anymore.

I carried that. It didn’t help that my mom continued to point out how fast I developed. It was a burden to everyone. I wasn’t aware that boys were interested in me physically, and I didn’t care about that, to be quite frank...

The changes in my body turned the smiles from girls I believed were my friends into frowns. At a young age that sucked. I was quite small, though, but everyone else around me kept pointing the fact that certain parts of my physique weren’t exactly small.

Junior high came along, and I found myself trying to hide anything I could. There were times I tried to bandage my breasts. I felt so gross. There were a lot of contributing factors, but I can easily look back and say that Tory’s words echoed in my head for years. I can assure anybody her words echoed in a million voices during the lifespan of my eating disorder.

I don’t talk about it much. I don’t talk about my state of mind during those years. I don’t mention the countless times I sat in that fifth level waiting to be called in… scratching at the intricate patterns of the olive green chair with my left index finger.

I don’t talk about the sessions filled with questions that never helped.

It’s all a part of me, though.

There were sessions with my parents that only served to burry me in quicksand.

Then there were sessions I didn’t say a word but only stared out the window.

More sessions were filled with tears, though.

I guess that’s the beauty of time. Eventually you learn to swim amongst the waves that used to pull you under.

The truth is I had depression; I had anxiety… basically, I was a child enveloped with mental illness, and I felt like an error frozen in time. There was no way I could reach these expectations set for me by myself, family, others... regardless of how much I bent. I was drowning and free falling. There was nothing romantic about it.

That’s the thing. So many people romanticize mental illness and bullying. Everyone wants to talk about the mental illness they have, and it bothers me that people crave a label… because they can’t possibly crave displacement.

That’s what these illnesses amongst many others can feel like…

They suck. I can’t tell you my teen years were terrible in terms of my social life. I was always well liked and never lacked friends. My social life was vibrant.

My mental state was a fog… and my bullying experience was different from what you might imagine. I wasn’t edged out, for example, and constantly made a fool of. My experiences were very much girl on girl crime and very strategic. It was something that for many years put me off to having girl friends. The traumas of those years were deeply rooted in me. I didn’t ever understand why we couldn’t all support each other. I was never a fan of the girls who judged each other and tore one another at the seams. It wasn’t until I grew up a little that I understood that girls are raised this way… to tear each other down. It was a learned behavior set into action by society itself…

I had been stabbed far too much and been scrutinized by girls about my image to feel comfortable around them. I had craved smiles from girls I believed to be my friends, but I only knew the digging of their knives in my back.

Like many things in life, however, finding friends is no exception. Everything before what’s right is wrong. That’s the beauty of finding what’s right.

It’s not until you find those good friends that you acknowledge that those wrong doings done to you weren’t a representation of a whole but only a representation of a select few. You see the bad in its full extent and appreciate the good that much more…

Looking back, I can tell you that those people weren’t all bad. It’s just we were all young. The things they did were inexcusable, but I don’t resent them. I’ve moved on, and I’ve come to meet some great girls.

It’s almost like dating, though. I don’t hold a guy accountable for the mistakes of an ex boyfriend, so I can’t assume all girls will break my friendship heart.

Sometimes you just gotta take a chance and learn from it all.

Anyways, the bullying was so common it would almost be unnoticeable. That’s something that bothers me even more, now, because people have such a cemented idea of what bullying is. Some people are unaware that they’re being bullied/verbally abused. They grow so accustomed to it and believe the cruel words… Bullying doesn’t always have to be physical abuse, either…

Bullying doesn’t even always have to be someone who’s “mean.”

People who claim to love you/care about you are often the ones whose bullying leaves the lasting imprint.

In my case, that was it. It was the things my friends said along with my family that haunted me. I wasn’t one to be deflated by words of strangers who didn’t know me. I WAS hurt when people built negative opinions about me without knowing me, but I wasn’t weighed down by the cruel words from people who felt a life away from me.

That feels like a different life now... I want you to understand that there WILL come a day where you don't need the validation you may feel you require at this moment.

Now, with mental illness… it was a long process, and I don’t think anyone is ever recovered. You’re always recovering. Mental illness isn’t a pastel color palette with savvy and trendy tumblr posts arranged around gloomy quotes.

Mental illness isn’t chipping a nail and saying you’re so depressed.

It’s a constant fight against the waves that pull you under and fill your lungs begging for you to give in. It’s like a constant obstacle you keep jumping over and can’t quite escape as it continuously follows you until you face it head on…

It has so many elements specific to each individual, but it’s definitely a journey you come out of stronger.

I’m not going to sit here and write a detailed post of everything my journey entailed, but I guess this is my extended hand to anyone and everyone.

You’ll have bad days, and you’ll even have set backs after doing so well.

The thing is…. There’s so much waiting for you. Don’t let yourself grow discouraged.

For me, I was always told I was too smart. I was too smart, and that would be my downfall a la Virginia Wolfe status, and it made me cringe. People will look you in the eye and speak believing they understand your struggle, but they’re only romanticizing you like a teen melodrama.

Don’t fall victim to that. Don’t fall victim to yourself, because you’re not that.

You’re not a victim, and you’ll get through that tunnel to the clearing. You really just have to keep going even when it feels like you’re dragging your feet through drying cement…

You’re not crazy. You’re not damaged goods. The perception you have of yourself is warped in negativity… so much so that you can’t see how amazing you are. Give yourself the chance to have that clear vision.

I’m not going to stand here and tell you it all instantly clicks. It doesn’t. It’s a choice that you make every day like anything else, but you eventually pause and recognize all of your progress. One day you’ll see yourself without the bandages of self-doubt you used to hide under and be able to love yourself... as silly as that may sound to you right now... But it will make all the difference.

I’m the biggest I’ve ever been (physically). I’m aware it’s not even terrible, and I’d be a fool to sit here when I’m not even close to overweight calling myself names… but a younger me would be clawing at her skin right now. A younger me would be sitting around the toilet throwing up and starving for days… A younger me would be so driven by judgment she would forget her worth and be swallowed by the need to fall into line…

That’s sad.

You see we get one body, one chance. Hurting your body like that doesn’t last and doesn’t help you in any way. You’re only slowing down your metabolism and making it harder to maintain a good physique (if that’s something you truly want). The effects aren’t worth it and the problem isn’t solved.

Hey, I’ll be the first to acknowledge I have insecurities, still. I do want to loose weight, but it’s different now. It comes from a healthier place… and it’s for myself.

And look…

The problem isn’t your physique but the lack of love you hold for yourself which is why you’re struggling. You feel ugly… but it’s rooted somewhere else.

Physicals change. Fix your core… it’s what you have to live with even when your physical changes…

I’m not perfect… I can’t tell you I’m always happy with what I see, but I love myself enough to know that I’m my own toughest critique.

Anything anybody says about me DOESN’T change the fact that I love myself enough to pursue happiness over anything.

I am the biggest I’ve ever been, and it’s not my preferred appearance, but I know that doesn’t hold my worth.

Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. You need to be able to love yourself, because trends change. You can’t live your life fully when you’re constantly trying to model yourself after something for others to admire.

And look...

I have people tell me I have no reason to feel bad and never did. I’m human. We all bleed red. Whether you see it or not, my feelings are valid. Look, I have stretch marks. Big whoop. We all do. Everyone has cellulite. You can choose to laser anything off, but we’re all human here. I’m not as tall as my mom would like. I have an hourglass figure, which is a trend right now, but it’s often hard to shop for. Don’t get me wrong… I do love my body shape. My point is that so many people are clearly driven by societal standards and forget that the people who are perceived as being able to reach those standards aren’t able to either. Photoshop, makeup, plastic surgery, angles, etc, etc… those things are needed to reach the societal standard of beauty which is ridiculous.

Think about that.

If you want to get injections or anything, by all means… I’m saying you do you for you, though. You deserve to be happy with yourself. I’m no one to tell you what your preferences should be. I just think they should be your preferences and come from a healthy place not a need to conform in order to be accepted and so on…

I’m not here to tell anyone how to live, as I said. I just want people to understand that regardless of your struggles, you’ll be okay. You’re all strong enough, whether you recognize that right now or not.

You should be able to look at your life and acknowledge the good with the bad. Know that your scars make you stronger and never be ashamed of your journey. Everyone will always have an opinion, but that doesn’t make it more valid than your own.

The things that feel detrimental right now won’t matter later

The people who make you feel not good enough won’t be putting you down anymore

A lot of it is just becoming aware. Take care of yourself.

Remove yourself from the eye of the storm.

Nurture yourself.

Love yourself.

Face your obstacles/fears and stop running with that backpack full of rocks that have become boulders on your back.

You can’t swim with weights on your ankles.

You can’t fly with snipped wings.

There isn’t a thing you can’t get through, and I truly hope you all recognize that the only thing you need to do is want it bad enough. You will do the work needed to get where you want when it’s what you want.

Beware, you will stumble and even fall at times, but you’ll get back up and come to find that there will be people along the way that will always extend a selfless hand without a second thought without an ounce of judgment and all the love.

Xx

A Letter To... A Friend Worth A Million

Five years now.

I've called you my friend for five years now. Remember when we ordered 100 mcnuggets, and I gave up after a few? Remember when you got a red thumb dying my hair? Remember when I cried sitting on a toilet reading a love letter to you that just made me feel like I was scum?

Remember all the times you reminded me I wasn't the problem? Remember all the times you've brought me a clear perspective?

Remember all the times you were the friend I needed?

Remember all of that? Remember any of that?

We look around, and it's easy to pick out who we have fun with.

But who gets me?

You're one of them.

I can have fun with you... a fun that isn't dangerous
I can bare my heart to you
A vulnerability that won't be used against me...

I could go on for hours

The truth is...
You're underrated.


It's so easy to appreciate people who are always there giving you what's easy, but you've never been someone to simply give me something convenient.
You see the ugly in me, and it somehow isn't ugly to you.

You've given me what I needed even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

We just have a realistic friendship. In easier terms... healthy, long lasting, valuable... It isn't adorned with facades.

And look, I get mad at you, and you get mad at me, but I love you, and I know you love me.

Do I ever tell you that, though?
Have I ever told you that I do love you?

I trust you when it comes to concerns of my heart, because you're one of the people who have never taken for granted that vulnerability...

You're someone who has made sure I didn't lose it, actually.

Do I ever tell you how much you've motivated me in life and the integral part you've played in me growing up? The role you've played in the cultivation of my character...?

You're someone who I can laugh with and have heart to heart conversations with. You're someone who I'm able to speak to without rewiring my words with filters. I never feel like I'm not enough around you, either.

I've called you in panic needing you to rescue me, and it's never felt like I was a burden to you.

You allow me to be human. You allow me to grow. You applaud me spreading my wings, and you even push me to jump when I'm scared to fly...

Sometimes you believe in me in a way that's unfamiliar to me, but you've made it so that I accept it. I accept it without questioning it, and it's helped me in my relationship, actually.

A lot of the ways you are... that we are... it's almost prepared me. You've given me these tools in life which I'll hold with me on this journey, and I want you to understand how thankful I am. I want to tell you what I may never express. That's the thing... there's love between us, but it's never too focused upon.

You're one of the few people I've probably have held this dear... and felt that it was so obvious to the point of overlooking it as if it were common sense at times... but I see what you probably see in me. I see you surrounded by people who don't show it. I see you surrounded and being pulled apart at the seams, strand at a time. I see you constantly wrapping yourself in hopes of healing only to be stripped of all bandages, and I watch how easy it is for people to step back at a convenience. It almost feels like looking into a mirror.

I didn't come up to you and tell you you would become my friend and yada yada. I was drawn to you. I saw pieces of you in me and complimentary pieces within us. I saw how great you were and ultimately vibed with you in a way that I wanted you in my life.

It was a natural growth, and I'm coming to see how beautiful that is. Always natural...

I'm coming to see how so many people have come and gone... and will continue to, but you're someone I see myself growing with and closer to over the years. You're someone who I'll still know when I have kids and not as a memory. You're someone I want present in my life.

Granted we'll have our disagreements along the way, but it's nothing that frightens me. I don't feel like you'll walk away, because you don't hold that over me.
Maybe it's a silent acknowledgement... because I know I wouldn't take you for granted. There's no reason why I wouldn't see you in my life. Does that make sense?

Maybe it doesn't... it's hard to explain, though.

Driving to you is one of my favorite drives, to be honest. I never know what you'll say, and I feed off your energy like a battery supply. Does that make sense?

We can sit in a car driving listening to tracks of a boy from another time, and I'll never hold it over you.

I can be in tears, and you play a song that makes my mood shift so easily... and you'll never judge me

I don't think you realize that it doesn't take much from you to just get me.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy to have a lot of friends... it's easy to have the trendy friends that are merely flavors but the roots don't go as deep. It's convenient.

The non lasting friendships that are fun but lifeless in the sense that they're never meant to expand into anything past their sample life.

Am I making sense at all?

I don't know...

But

I hope you know one thing.
You're not my friend out of convenience.
I'm not obligated to keep you in my life.
I choose to have you as my friend and always want the best for you... even as I cringe away to lick my wounds.

I've never wanted to change you and ill continue to support you. I never want you to feel less than what you are and deserve to feel. You're amazing and every scar you carry whether it's physical or emotional has made you so much stronger. I look up to you in many ways.

You were one of the people who gave me a voice when I was muted. You taught me that pitying myself got me nowhere but acknowledging my feelings and making the best of the worst situations was what made me stronger... taking something from everything is what would build my empire. Fighting against the world would get me nowhere. Living to prove people wrong would do nothing.

I am who I am no excuses.
People will not always like or even respect me, but I know myself. I know my worth, and that needs to be enough.

Thank you for all you've given me. Thank you for being the branch I could fall on when I felt myself falling without a warning.

Thank you for being a phone call away... a drive away.

Thank you for being someone I wish everyone could have in their life, and I'm sorry for all of the times I have looked that over. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ever distracted by the lure of convenience and easy.



Thank you, Carmen.

Thank you for all the memories and laughs.... for everything. You're irreplaceable.

Xx

Not Quite On or Off

I've been so on
But we all have off days

I'm not all rainbows
It's only fair to share that part, right?

I mean

Idk what it is

It's like a pebble growing into a rock transforming into a boulder until the hole is enveloped and air can't get through.

I think I like to play the strong card too much. It's what I'm used to. Anything else is a burden, so I hold myself up. I'm not a burden to myself.

I'm learning that anyone who makes you feel that way isn't someone you need...

Especially since sometimes I feel like the pebble amongst boulders

I'm not a smooth pebble, though
There's chips
There's cracks

And I think sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I dive in head first and let people rip me at my seams in order to take care of others.

I feel myself grow so drained, and it's a tug of war, but I don't want to participate in that anymore.

I think it sucks when you cut a thread you thought was stronger than a rope only to realize it wasn't made of gold. It can be severed in a blink of an eye and be gone just like that.

I look at life, and it's good in every sense. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm on the road to something even better, but I'm human. I get tired and have my own demons...

I just do have boulders pressing down on me, and I'm reminded that my cracks deepen with the pressure sometimes.

I'm reminded that not everyone is affected by my absence and in turn cares little for my presence. I can't save everyone. I can't subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. I can't make excuses for people like that... I'm a priority and can't apologize for acknowledging my worth

I feel nauseas when it comes to people sometimes... At least right now.

I feel my mind telling me to focus on school.

I miss my friends, though

I miss the whole pie

And it sucks feeling like I dropped a slice

And so I can't sleep and throw away that card

Instead I'm going out trying to figure this time out

I don't like that. I feel like I need to, but I don't. Not every hole needs to be rushed to fill.

The truth is that hole held such a value to me that can't be so easily filled. It'll be filled when it is. For now I'm satisfied doing what I need to for myself.

Trying to figure out if I'm normal?
I'm stable
But I'm not

I'm 22, so I shouldn't be like this
I should be out not so focused?

No

That's never been me
I have a goal
And my sight on a prize

So no one gets to tell me what I should do in that regard.

There's no shame in admitting confusion and pain. Maybe all I need is support at this point, because there's no answer to this.

I'm just frustrated, and I think I'm good at giving advice but forget to take my own.

I'm tired, because I'm my worst critique.

I'm always pushing myself to a breaking point, and I need to remember to look around...

I need to remember to breathe and laugh

I'm far from perfect, and it's hard right now, but it won't be forever

It's just hard to feel the cracks on the floor you thought was solid and feel the cracks on your shoulder made by a hand you thought was your own

I guess it's like being let down by your own judgment and for a moment question trust in yourself


That's life, though, right?

I can't expect anyone to save me. Life isn't like a movie. No one will come around and read your soul fixing every crack. No one will just know what to say or how to support you to make it all better in a single blow. It's a learning process. The cracks and process have too much substance to try and change them. Perfect isn't better. Life is beautiful in all of its tumbles and twists.

Life doesn't always feel like we're doing it right, though, but we do what we can.

We just need to remember that people will always point out what they feel you're doing wrong, but they don't see all the work you put in.

You know.


I guess that's what makes me feel at ease, though...

Look,

I'm confused, because I used to feel that I knew who would be in my life. It flipped on me, and it still doesn't make sense. I'm not aimless, but I'm shook.

It'd be weird if I wasn't. It would devalue what I claimed to have felt so dearly.

I feel things far too deeply, even now, and it makes my stomach turn when I feel like a fool.

But I guess there's a bright side to this. Your 20's are tough and just get worse, according to Carmen.

We were at Blaze about like 7 or 8 months ago?

She was telling me I needed to let myself feel, and maybe I'm on the other tip where I waited too long and everything came flooding in after so long.

Curtains are being ripped open, and I'm seeing what the world really looks like beyond the walls I built for myself.

Anyways, nights like tonight I feel the weight on my shoulders.

The truth is this entire week has been a roller coaster, and I guess I hold it too close to my chest until I'm distant with myself.

Anyways, I guess the point of this post is to say that it's going to be okay.

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Sometimes you just need to remember that and understand that life will throw curveballs at you.

You're human and stumbling doesn't make you weak. Sometimes you just need to cry and feel the weight of it all, but you can't let it block your air.

You need to stand up and hold your head high, because you're going to be great. You're going to do great things, and you can't sell yourself short.

You can cry, but you can't cry over the people who couldn't see you. People do see you, so don't focus on the ones who don't.

As for me. I need to remember I signed up for this.

I'm not unhappy with the routine. It's troublesome and tiresome, but it's doable.

I think I'm a classic case of sow times questioning when a finger is pointed to me.

But I know... It's a weird time in regards to realizing the roster you have by your side. I'm not in a rush, though, and I think those around me worry about that.

Am I going to lose my substance?

No

I'm just not someone who looks. I look for change when I desire it and require it... When I need and want it


I'm going through changes, but I'm not rushing the process.

It just sucks at times, but I'm glad that there are people around me who understand that. In the way that it'll all work out.

I have such a strong appreciation for the people who haven't pointed their fingers at me for taking on too much and basically caging myself to this routine

The friends who understand that I just need rest or that on certain days my free time is craved to be spent elsewhere.

They support me, and I appreciate that.

I appreciate that on nights where the weight is felt on my shoulders they're there.

And that gives me hope. In a sea of fears and turmoil, there are a handful of people who exceed the expectations I had. Those are the people who I know are waiting on the sidelines cheering me on.

Those are the people I hope stick around, because I'm telling you it's going to be a wild ride... But it'll be one worth your time.

It's definitely worth mine.(:

Life is beautiful even when the world feels like it's making a fool out of you. I wouldn't change it if I could.

Hello, Fall Trends

It's officially the first day of Fall! WOOO! Haha, it's safe to say I ADORE Autumn. I mean who doesn't love Fall? Really, though? You're insane! Anyways, I've already had too many PSLs, and I'm far from ashamed. I'm already in a joyous place lol.

I figured, though, why not ambush you guys with awesome picks for Fall? I thought so.
I got you.

This is the season of cherry wines, burnt oranges, olives, etc etc etc. It's the combat boots time... the layering time. It's MY time. Yeah, I'm DEFINITELY excited to shop this season. Here's some of my favorite items I've seen so far. Beware some pieces aren't exclusive to Fall and are still great transitional pieces (if you're having summer withdrawals already).

JEANS

Lets start with jeans, yeah? There are SO many choices. It's not a secret that I love a great pair of black skinnies, but I've been digging other fits as well. White Fox has these awesome boyfriend ripped jeans that I've been eyeing for a bit. And I mean I can't really leave out the skinny jeans, (you didn't think I would did you?) so here come a few of those. I mean skinnies are always good, so there's that! Forever 21 has these simple and slightly washed out skinnies that aren't quite that dark black, but are fitted to your body (always a plus). I just love black jeans and have been progressively getting more into the torn jeans. Fashion Nova is probably one of the best places for ripped skinnies, actually. Their Clean Break jeans are just ripped at the knees and slightly frayed. Then they have Blanched jeans that have the knees still ripped with a few more rips on the thighs. Now, their Glistening jeans are the destroyed ones, and those are quite the number. One of my favorites, though, for any season is... BDG. They have simple, plain skinnies.

SHOES

Something tells me this might be the biggest category. We're going to divide it up a bit.

Boots

You might not make it past this one lol. You WILL learn to love boots... Here, and right now. I'm a combat boot lover, and my all time favorite combat boots are forever the Steve Madden Troopa boots, but this season I'm looking at a little longer boot. Public Desire has sooo many great options, and it's safe to say they're satisfying my thigh high/knee high boots craving for this fall. The Anita long boots in black faux suede are a staple piece, and they WILL transition into Winter. (I neeed) They also have a more round option which would be their Eve boots which go slightly higher, as well. Yes, they're almost identical, so it comes to preference. Do you want the longer ones? Rounder? Shorter heel? Take your pick. You can't go wrong with either, though. Now, the Jana peep toe boots is sooo sexy. It's over the knee and also in black (big surprise), but you can always get it in a different color. I'm just sorta in love with these 3 first options in black. Please tell me I'm not alone. Okay, here's the show stopper... Public Desire has almost a perfect dupe for the INSANELY priced Stuart Weitzman boots I went heart eyes for... I mean $800 is crazy. Like I said, Public Desire is fulfilling cravings with their Annie velvet boot... talk about the perfect fall color! Don't get me wrong I love boots just as much as the next girl, but I don't see the point in dropping so much money for a brand name when you can get the same look and great quality for much less (let THAT be known).

Heels

Jeffrey Campbell, my good friend. I love heels, okay? I mean I love shoes... I love boots, and I love heels, and I just love a fabulous pair of shoes. Fall just happens to be a great boot era, but there's still love for heels in my heart. Now, JC has these beautiful Holvey pair of suede heels in both black and tan... you bet I love them BOTH. Simple and elegant in a heel is always a winner. There's always nights out, and I love these heels for those nights. Jeffery Campbell also has another love of mine in a shoe available in TWO colors, and that's a lace up heel in a dark army green and black.... It's like an arrow was shot into my shoe loving heart, you guys.

SKIRTS

Now, with all of these awesome shoes, skirts are a given. I lalala LOVE a good skirt and boot combo. I mean I'm really feeling the short skirts and long boots this season ESPECIALLY + a lace up top. Yasss. I'm excited. This dusty grey skirt with the Jana Boots or Anita boots would look great with a simple white top. Believe me... I have a vision. Oh and if you didn't know... corduroy is in. I've been looking at the aline skirts, and this zipper front skirt is a winner. You could summer it up with your withdrawals and a pair of gladiators or, again, throw on a fabulous pair of long boots. *wink wink*

OUTERWEAR

Bombers, military, leather, suede, jackets, the things I've been waiting for all year long (and get to wear year round in California *cough cough*). Again, I love Topshop, but they have spiked prices, and you're able to find really cute quality jackets elsewhere without paying $110 for just a single thing. JUST SAYING. Autumn shopping doesn't have to put holes in your wallet. Everyone hates on Forever 21, but you can find some great quality there. It's like Russian roulette, but I swear to you some picks' quality will definitely exceed their price. I try to leave my "splurging" for staple pieces that won't go out of trend... but I digress... Back to Forever 21. They have this embroidered souvenir jacket that screams fall with a little bit of that rocker feel. I'm also on the hunt for the perfect olive green utility jacket this season, and this hooded jacket was one of the ones I've probably liked the most so far along with this mock neck utility jacket. If you guys know of the perfect jacket, though, please direct me in the right direction. If you're looking for a slightly heavier option they have a really cute patched cargo jacket that would be perfect for layering for the colder places in the world that (unlike California) actually get cold. Oh, you didn't think I'd leave leather jackets out, did you? Nope. A structured leather jacket is always a hit. I haven't found a really nice pick that isn't a little cheaper than the usual price for a good quality jacket, but they're such nice pieces worth the buck. You really need to just find your perfect fit, and it'll be an all year round piece. One that caught my eye for the moment was this zephyr moto jacket. Now, back to bomber jackets. Windsor has some GREAT picks, and I can't quite decide which one I love the most. I might be leaning towards the longline burgundy bomber that's just sooo Fall, but the rust and mustard are also so Fall. Lastly, Fashion Nova has these gorgeous olive suede and camel suede jackets to die for. It's just an awesome season to shop, really.

LBDs

Yes, little black dresses get their own separate category, because they're ALWAYS in style. You can never have enough LBDs. Fall is the perfect time to dress them down a bit more than usual with flannels on top or little bombers... ya know ya know. Army jackets on top are PERFECT. You can wear them with boots, heels, flats, sneakers... come on. LBDs are at a prime in Fall. There's this Northern Lights Dress that sorta caught my eye, and I'm thinking I should jump on it soon... you guys should, too... TBH. It looks basic (to the side), but it has a nice and subtle wrap detail that gives it a cute twist. White Fox Boutique is actually on fire, because I found a lot of cute things on there (definitely head in that direction), but I really liked this other dress, too. It's a crochet detail dress that has a slight "I kind of miss summer" vibe with a cold shoulder, and we KNOW cold shoulders are a ride or die right now. Also, a simple LBD can't be ignored, and Missguided has the perfect simple and sassy LBD. Plus, it WOULD look great with boooooots! Just saying.

TOPS

Baseball tees are awesome. Love em! I love them worn out. I love them cropped. I love them in colors... just love em! Fall also just so happens to be the time baseball tees pop up everywhere, and this Homer and Marge baseball tee is giving me childhood feels which makes it golden in my eyes. Then there's this simple strappy taupe cami that screams fall date night with a pair of black skinnies. Oh, and if you haven't noticed, I'm feeling the lace up. I love it on a pair of boots, heels, dress, skirt, and definitely a top. I found a deep lace top and then a plunging lace top... both which my lace up loving self approved of. There are so many cute tops, but I like to keep them more on the simple side for the most part. The most I tend to like is a detail on my tops. I like a plain top with lacing or a little peek-a-boo... even little Simpson patches and so forth. Fall is just a little more fun on the edgy aspect with tops. Slogan tees are fun, too. Overall, I'm bigger on shoes, jackets, etc... so I tend to keep my tops more simple. However, I am indulging in the choker trend and love these black and white choker tees from Missguided. A twist to the choker top is this rust love on top harnessy long sleeve shirt from Fashion Nova that is just oh so so pretty. Another top that incorporated a sort of choker into the top with a twist was Boohoo's Maya high cut out choker neck wrap front blouse, and I love it in black but the silver one is just yessss.

CHOKERS

So big hint... I'm digging chokers so much that they get their own category. Nasty Gal has a bunch of different chokers, and I picked out just three of my favorites... or we'd be here all season. I'm serious... I like them that much haha. The first is a classic wide black suede choker. The next is one I haven't worn yet. It's a quirky burgundy bow choker aka the Autumn color choker. The last and show stopper choker, tbh, is the crochet lace choker. Yes, it's BEAUTIFUL, okay? I want it. I love lace in bras, shirts, dresses, chokers, anywhere and everywhere. My neck deserves this kind of beauty, and your neck does too.


So that rambly mess is over now... Hopefully you guys found some pieces you liked!

Xx

Snapshots

Something inside of me has changed.

My feet are planted when it comes to him.

And “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him]. Don’t need no butterflies when [he gives] me the whole damn zoo…”

I guess you could say I’m just so happy and so very happy with him.

It feels like I’m spinning in joyous circles.

As time inches forward, I find myself more at peace. Life is interesting like that. It’s easy to look at relationships and question them. Why are two people so dependent on each other, right?

It’s easy to say that from the outside.

It’s easy to judge something you don’t know especially when all you know serves to support that shortsighted and just closed-minded view you’ve developed…

I’m not someone who has all the answers.

I don’t have any answers really, but I felt like I was in on a secret as I was tugging his hand to the log ride and skipping with his eyes drinking in the view.

I guess being with him feels like I am in on a secret the me a few months ago wouldn’t have comprehended.

Now, it’s no secret I’ve been hurt, in the past, too. I wouldn’t say that made me bitter, though, but it definitely stripped a layer of trust in my own judgment.

There’s a melting of your soul that happens when you believe in someone so much, and they go ahead tearing all of the safety blankets you’ve taken a life to create.

Having your heart be plunged into with sharpened knives does something to you mentally and emotionally. Your soul is melted, like I said, and it’s transferred over from that naïve state into a chamber of safety. All guards are up, but in the process you lose some parts of your soul. They’re left out in a different room; they’re no longer in the pilot’s seat… for then, at least.

Long story short, it sucks.

Then you meet one person.

Cliché, innit?

It feels like all the pieces of me are coming back to me, but they’re better now. Those pieces have grown up as have I, even when they weren’t with me all the time.

I guess that’s what I mean by saying, “I didn’t know I was starving until I tasted [him].”

I was so focused on myself and building that empire, which I will do… but I lost sight of the simple matters. I forgot I wasn’t quite whole. I wanted to keep that hole, except he didn’t give me the chance to keep him away.

It’s a fear of being a fool who only crushes their own sanity… repeating mistakes of a lifetime’s lessons.

I didn’t want to think about the affairs of my heart. I didn’t want to intertwine, right?

I kept telling myself that. I wasn’t looking for any of it, and I might have closed myself off completely… but I wasn’t ready until I met him.

Maybe that’s how it works. You’re never ready until you meet that special person.

It’s not life changing. The light doesn’t envelope them in a surreal glow… your fears are present. You scramble and make fools of yourselves… sometimes hurting each other in the process… but not everything is a clean break, anyways.

What I’m saying is you’ll get it one day, if you don’t yet.

I could practically go on about how you have no idea the surprise that awaits you.

Be warned, though, you might have people around you screaming fool.

They’ll either stop, or you’ll let go of them.

I’ve learned that you can’t hold people to who they were and sometimes you need to remember that you can’t mold your happiness to suit everyone around you.

Don’t abandon your life and friends… that’s not what I’m suggesting. I am saying, though, that you shouldn’t be put in the situation where you’re constantly being belittled for being happy with someone.

They’re not “That’s So Raven” lol

It’s all I’m saying

People who love you will support you and won’t “victim blame you” in a sense.

Your relationships with others will change, though, and that’s normal, because not everyone will be what you thought they would be.

You’ll know if that’s on you or them, though

You’ll grow out of the petty environment

Priorities change

Life is a larger spectrum of colors, and you’ll take off with a blazing light speed

You’ll see who tries to tie boulders to your ankles and who just makes sure you don’t burn so close to the sun

Every relationship is different and reserved to the individual, though, so they don’t get to belittle what you love or WHO you love. REMEMBER THAT.

Friends won’t do that…

No one gets to define your relationship but the two of you…

Be happy. Enjoy your love. Enjoy YOUR life.

It’s great. I promise. 

I can tell you that he's blown me out of the water. He goes to my lecture halls with me and sits there supporting me during the times I need it most. He wipes away the tears I'm too stubborn to let other see. He encourages me to take the jumps I'm too scared I won't land, but he reminds me it's my choice. I don't feel pressure to be anything but myself with him, and I've shared with him things no one else will get. I trust him like no other, and he's the only one I want to share all of it with. He's it. 

I'm so endlessly intrigued by him wanting to know it all about him and sharing every bit of me he didn't see growing up. 

I've shown him pictures of me in ridiculous outfits with thumbs up and colorful sweaters. 

I've seen adorable pictures of him... and my heart swells even more.

All of him makes me fall for him even at his worst it's never someone I'd leave. It's not a matter of how much I can take but how will we help each other? How will we grow through this? What's going to be our story?

I look at him and see a lifetime. I don’t mean a fairy tale. I mean a life full of bumps that I want to face with him. I see a mortgage and children. I see trips and ridiculous work events where we drag each other. I see inside jokes and ridiculous pictures. It’s an array of memories I would never give up.

It’s countless of journal entries extracted from my heart.

It’s a love injected directly into my bloodstream that no longer can be stopped.

I hope everyone gets to experience this at some point in time.

I’m terrified of falling, but I feel safe with him.

I’m terrified and my heart feels like it can’t stop, so I cling to him on that ride.

It takes one ride, and I realize how okay I am with facing fears and anxiety seems to trickle off my back like a ghost of a past life… I feel something growing inside and can’t get over it… How he naturally holds me. How happy I am under the poorly lit ambiance next to the pony express where I can’t possibly look beautiful oogling over the ICEE, but his eyes somehow think I do. 

My heart was so joyous on that merry go round, those spinning hats, jaguar… the log ride! Those spinning hats were so fun, though! Hahaha It was quite a representation of how these feelings caught me off guard all those months ago…. How they spun us around and tossed us on our heads even. It was such a perfect time. I had a great time with him last night and appreciate those moments. Then again it comes to the point that doing things is really fun, and you’ll enjoy them… but it’s the company that makes the experience.

We sat on a pier not so long ago. It was dark. You could just hear the crashing of waves on rocks. The idea of falling wasn’t really present in my mind. The never-ending darkness didn’t weigh at my ankles. I wasn’t scared. I was in bliss. The moment was treasurable with him by my side. I enjoyed my view, but it was just the background. I still wanted to look at him. It was ours, and I’ve never been one to share before I met him.

Suddenly I want to share everything with him. I want the snapshots of life with us in every one.

 Us always the focus...

I'm so sweetly falling and crashing in the tides of our love, and I don't want to ever fight the waves. It took us a while, but all of his scars and mistakes have become my own. We've caught each other and intertwined so beautifully. He's seen my flowers and roots, loving them equally...

It's going to be such a ride, and I'll surely hide my face in his chest when I'm scared, but I'll trust him to hold me tight when I need it and open my eyes when I'm too stubborn to do it on my own. It's just so natural, whatever we do.

And every day I'm still choosing to fall for him. 

This love, it's never-ending.

Xx