Missed Calls.

All the polaroids we haven't taken will whither away in a box behind that sofa no one cares to check behind...

You'll wonder what ever happened; it'll be the big question when you find an empty spot where I used to stand. The exhausted songs will be all that remain, and you'll wonder if I'm just another dream when you finally see me again. Four years later, and hearts will stay open like soars under the burning sun...

We won't be kissing in cars or biting shoulders this time. Feet planted to the floor, would you get closer? Would you pull me in like you wished you'd never let me go?

You'll be standing in a bar looking at me while I laugh, and you'll question what changed that day. Why didn't I stay? You'll hate me for moving to the city and wonder if any kiss meant anything or if it was all a game.

Your answer will come rushing in the moment my eyes turn to you... Oh how you wish they had never stopped watching you so long ago...

Our eyes will meet, and you'll feel every touch we ever shared come rushing back like a tsunami without any restraint. You'll remember every tear you wiped away and all the promises we said we'd never break. You'll see the love in my eyes and wonder why it's still burning so strong after so long... Could I still have held you in my heart the way I had said I would so long ago?

I'll have no right to look so pretty under your eyes, but my heart will scream for your arms to hold me tighter than ever before. The elegance you wish had left me will only burn brighter with every breath.

But will you pull me in and never let me go again? Or will we just play strangers under all of their gazes?

Just Don't Touch My Soul With Dirty Hands

That's the secret, right?

I've given you my soul and opened doors for you to walk through, but I just hope you remember to never touch me with dirty hands. Is it too rash to say I know you wouldn't, though? I guess it's just the trust I have in you talking...

With the sun going down and your heart beating steady I can't help but sprawl my body out against yours. Our legs so casually tangled and my hands memorizing you like the intricate lines of my favorite pattern...

My fingertips feel the stubble grow, and I can't help giggle. You hate to shave... but you do it anyway. I LOVE when you shave, but I've learned to love the way your stubble feels against my skin.

It's bliss... being with you.
It's bliss seeing the way your eyes look at me.
It's bliss sharing every piece of me with you.

The way you talk about me to others even as I can't understand what you're saying makes my heart grow. Your love is clear, and I can't help but want to hold your hand. I can't help but want to explain how you're the sunlight I look to.

I can't help but let my soul turn to mush as a lifetime with you plays in my head. I can't help but gasp as I catch myself wanting to be old with you.

It's bliss.

I tell you silly stories and sometimes squeeze one out of you. You're a little harder to crack, but it's so special when you do share things with me. It's great when your whispers fill my ears.

My heart does a little dance every time you give me THAT smile. You kiss me and tell me little things not knowing how much it means to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat. Is that silly? Maybe.

I have a lifetime with you, and yet I just want to know you better now. I can't get my fill of you, and I don't see it happening any time in our lives.

Sometimes there's nothing to be said in that moment, but I seem to just invent it as I go. If only to hold that communication with you. We can talk about anything! I don't care if I'm on a ramble or spilling a fear... like I said it just comes out, and I'm okay with it as it goes.

I never seem to run out of tenderness for you.

I keep reaching for you, because I need to feel you close.

The small window is closing, and we have to face this coming struggle together, but I have no doubt we will.

You've given me an extra backbone even while I'm sick feeling like a lifeless body... you give me something I can't describe. Even if it's just the strength to open my eyes... You give me that, and I'm able to share my love with you for that moment longer.

I hope you excuse my bad writing and emotional tsunami of words. I guess you do that to me. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that the rawness in my writing is evident. It's not polished how people expect, because I want you to see. I want you to understand that I don't care whether my words are delivered beautifully, because they're meant beautifully. They're genuine, and I don't sit here thinking of how to say what it is I want to say. I just try to show you my heart. No, I just show you my heart and hope that that's beauty enough for you.

I wonder if you remember me telling you how much I enjoy a particular writer's style. She's someone who is typically very heavy in their influence on my style. I haven't embraced it in a while, which is good to be honest. She was quite tortured, but there are some beautiful things she wrote.

There's one thing in particular that I read, and I hope you see the beauty in it. It's how I feel for you...

"In a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second."

You see, whether we are physically near or far... you're with me. You are in the borders of my mind and in the entirety of my heart. We will get through time and have so many more memories to hold.

I'll forever hold the summer nights of tangled limbs with your smile looking into me. I'll forever hold the moments you told me you loved me, because you could, so you did... so I'd never forget, but I couldn't when you show me every day. I'll always hold these memories of us holding hands and even the pouting moments you get in your head. I'll always be full of you, and I'll always cry for you. If anyone is worth the tears, it's you.

I guess what I'm saying is some people wait around hoping they're enough for someone, but even as strangers we knew each other in a way other people don't understand. You're enough for me. You're what I want and want to keep... You make me feel like I'm the same for you, and there's nothing more wonderful than that to me.

A lifetime of you and me, cause there's a part of me I keep under lock and key... But somehow your key fits perfectly with me, and there's only one key, baby, so I hope you keep it close to you for me.

15 Life Lessons From A Bonafide Adult

I mean I'm pretty much a bonafide adult, aren't I? Questionable? Maybe... Anyways, we can never have too much advice, right?

Here's a compilation of life lessons I learned through the internet (AKA Tumblr) and life.

1. Even if you get along great with your family you will get along even better with them after moving out.

2. Generic is almost always just as good as name brand, but there are some things you never buy generic, including: peanut butter, ketchup, liquid NyQuil, Chips-Ahoy chewy chocolate chip cookies, and spaghetti sauce.

3. At least once in your life you will go to Wal-mart/Target to buy something under $20 like coffee or something and your debit card will get rejected. No one will judge. Everyone at some point in their lives has had < $1.98 in their bank account.

4. Everyone else is too busy panicking about everyone else noticing every tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about them to notice any tiny thing that could possibly be wrong about you.

5. Thrift stores.

6. You will screw up. A LOT. You live and you learn, and when you start to think too hard about that embarrassing thing that happened and how you wish you could change it... Just tell yourself that what’s done is done. There’s no changing it, so just forget it and move on. It’s the only way to stay sane.

7. If you are the only one in the aisle at the grocery store, and you need to get from one end to the other without even looking at anything in that aisle, then you should totally cart-surf down the aisle. Growing old is mandatory. Growing up is optional. Hold on to the little things. They make all the difference.

8. 15% tip.

9. Do the dishes before the sink grows its own ecosystem.

10. Sometimes life sucks, and knowing that it might get better doesn’t always make it suck any less, but you’ll never get to the non-sucky days without enduring the suckiness.

11. Always check the type of light bulb that goes in lamps. A 60w is not interchangeable with a 40w.

12. Reward yourself from time to time when you do things that you needed to get done. It’s a good way to remind yourself to do them. Going out to pay a bill? Get Starbucks or something. Rewards don’t have to be huge, they can be small things like that.

13. Take time to eat, even when you don’t feel like eating. Your body needs energy to live.

14. Know how to change a tire. You’re going to need to do it at some point in time and you can’t always rely on someone else to do it for you.

15.  Don’t be ashamed to ask for help. PERIOD. Life is hard, everyone needs help occasionally.

Losing Your Virginity (It's Not A Magical Virginity Spell)

I can't think back to the first time I realized what sex or virginity was. I'm sure I must have seen something! lol

Anyways, at some point, I just realized that because I hadn't had sex that made me a virgin. I was untouched, innocent, pure, etc. I was a fucking unicorn to so many people, apparently. There was this idea around it that was engraved into my head, though, about how that was sacred, right? We've all been there. We were taught to believe that our virginity is something precious that shouldn't be handed out to just anybody. It was so precious that it was devaluing... I appreciate the incentive behind that (to an extent) and want to see it as appreciating yourself and loving yourself enough to only want to let someone into your life and body who will also appreciate you.... Then again, I think it's stupid to teach kids that virginity is something like a trophy or that it has the power to devalue you.

Hear me out...

I'm all for loving yourself and taking care of yourself, but I also feel like virginity is a social construct that controls people's view on themselves and others. Think about the weight we put on virginity. So what if you "lose" your virginity to a terrible person? Do you feel wronged? How do you end up feeling bad about yourself? Are you damaged goods cause a P went in the V? What if you "lose" it to a great person? Is it all great or do you have this crazy attachment to them, because you gave them your most "precious jewel?"

For an act that is so minimal in regards to the bigger picture... Why is it so damning?

I can't tell you what goes on with other people, but I can tell you about myself.

Virginity never defined me.
Granted, I went through phases where I believed that virginity was something I only wanted to hand to someone I'd marry.... (looking back it sounds like it was the way families offered cows during marriage arrangements lol). Then I felt like it made me a target. It all went on in different waves, basically. by the end of it, I understood it wasn't the virginity I was holding on to. I just didn't want to have sex with someone I didn't want to give my body to in a symbol of trust. Sex has always held a greater meaning to me.

I just never felt like I would be less of a person or better for losing my virginity. I didn't think that virginity was a win or lose situation where if the first person wasn't endgame I was a failure. I didn't think whoever put the P in my V would change my world, either.

I never felt like the movies or any of that represented it realistically. That's another problem entirely, though.

All virginity was to me was a symbol of being selective. It wasn't that I hadn't had the opportunity to have sex, but at the end of the day I wasn't ready or wanted to give myself to those guys. I didn't feel I wanted to have sex with any of those guys. It would have felt like searching for a bond, which is why I understand why some girls/boys do become attached after sex. However, THAT is a myth... regarding the whole idea that you'll become attached to that person forever.

I don't feel that giving my virginity to who I did gave life to our relationship. I felt glad I had waited to have sex when I was ready. I felt glad I had never given virginity the power to define me. I'm glad that I recognized the difference of what would have been trying to create a bond versus having one with him. I know he appreciated that I held myself so highly, not in the sense that I had remained a virgin before him... but that I hadn't given into peer pressure or let virginity define me.

The thing about sex is that you can have it casually, and that's fine. You can lose your virginity having casual sex, and that's not a reason to feel bad.

For me, though, that just wasn't something I wanted. It doesn't mean I was guarding my virginity to offer it off in marriage. We're all different. I also wouldn't judge someone for participating in casual sex. I'm just someone who is glad she waited for that moment where I gave my body to someone who I loved. I would have also been glad to own my sexuality in a casual manner if that had been what I wanted. Either is fine.

Society applauds men for owning their sexuality, but we're often modeled to please men. We shouldn't own our sexuality and guard our virginity for the right man or else what is our value, right? WRONG. He has to be the first, but we don't have to be the first... They're applauded, but we're booed.

Anyways, when my first time happened it was quite instant that I knew why it hadn't been right before him, and it wasn't that I started to feel this way afterwards; as in NO, this isn't my virginity cling talking lol.

Sorry I still find that amusing.
I mean some people are actually scared about the "virginity cling." Sure, it happens, but it's definitely a myth. I feel like girls/guys can become clingy at an individual level, but it's often blamed on virginity when that's a factor. Virginity is whatever you want it to be, though. To me, it was like a first kiss, getting a tattoo, moving... stuff like that. It was a part of my life, but it wasn't life changing to the point it would make or break the rest of my life. It didn't hold power over me, but it held as much meaning as a "first" type of event or the consideration that came with a tattoo. It wasn't meaningless, but it didn't overshadow who I am.

I had people thinking I was a prude, at times, but in Cher's words... I was just selective.

I'm still a selective person, so sue me.

Sex to me is a bonding act that's more than physical, and that is why I waited. I waited to give that to someone versus giving them my jewel or whatever you want to call my virginity... (lack there of now lol) Sorry that was a terrible joke.

There's nothing wrong with just having sex without love. It's not my cup of tea, but I'm not here to judge. You should own your sexuality. Don't let anyone tell you how you should live. You should always just be careful and take care of yourself... but don't allow this social idea tell you that you're in the wrong for owning your lack of virginity. It's your body. You do you, boo.

Maybe I'm talking blindly and not taking under consideration the people who have had bad experiences... but I don't think that's regarding their virginity. I've always felt that was a feeling of violation and contributed to by the social idea of what virginity means. As in so many people are raised to forever look at virginity as this big weight on us that sums us up. We're taught to give this idea power over us in the way that addictions hold power over people... it's crippling.

Virginity is what? It really is what you make it. It shouldn't define you, though. You just do you, boo. Really, just do what you want to do. Don't let society tell you what you should do or how you should feel about something. It's okay to see things differently or in the same way... but make sure it's your own. Regardless of what you think/feel... own it. Own it and own who you are, but you shouldn't ever feel less for it.

Let me get you in on a secret. You'll figure things out. Life is like a jungle gym, and you'll fall but the things that might feel life ending today won't ten years from now. So if you've lost your virginity and felt shitty for it, this is for you. If you're scared of sex, because you've been made to believe you should only have sex with "the one"...let me tell you... Don't let others scare you. You'll figure things out at your own pace and whether you make mistakes along the way or not, you'll be fine. We all find our way someday. Virginity be damned... it doesn't make or break you.

I've been a kick ass girl before and after.

A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...

A Letter to... My Mother

This is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to put together. It's not a matter of just feelings but sorting out events... revisiting the past. It's about allowing myself to feel it all for you. I've held you up like the stars in the sky, and you'll always be dear to me... but there's so much I've never been allowed to say... It was easier to just put it all aside and hope it'd whither away.

For a long time I held resentment towards you, and it wasn't until I grew up a bit that I learned to let go. In the process of letting go of that pain, I think I lost a vital part of what made me that little girl that fueled my core to be so great.

I find myself regaining vital parts of my core, and I guess it's time I let things out versus try to push them aside with every fiber.

We've never had the best relationship, that's no secret, and I know we won't have the relationship I wish we could. I know that... That's not mine to have with you. I accept that, but it doesn't mean I've stopped wishing we could... We have snapshots in time of moments of what could have been, and I think that's what makes me cry the most. It's not impossible. It's not like you're incapable of it... I hold so much love for you, and it's hard understanding that the connection you have with my siblings isn't one we'll ever truly posses. Our relationship has been constructed in such a way it's almost an experiment. It's controlled. A lot of the success doesn't come from your soul, though. The strings that were attached to you belong to my brother, and I've come to accept that, too.

The funny thing is I've always prided myself on not begging for attention. I've never needed anyone, right?... I'm strong, I make people believe... I'm a one person show. I can make every room my own. I never needed anyone. Wanting and needing are different things... And yet...
I needed you. I never needed anyone, other than you. I wanted you to love me with every fiber of my being. I was quite literally climbing brick walls and falling to empty grounds. You never came to pick me up, though. You never ran to me, and I learned to stand up ready to dust myself off. I learned to never look for you.

I missed you when the lights went out, and I was terrified, but you were never there. It didn't matter if I was in my room or a hospital bed. I only knew the demons in my head knew me more than you ever dared... From the moment I was born, you were sick... or so I was told. Maybe that's why we held that disconnect? I can't place you in memories unless you were plucking the petals from my stem.

Maybe that's why I clung to my brother, because he showed me a love I never felt from you or my dad... Even then... I know I hold him to an unreasonable standard. He's not a young God. He makes mistakes, but I know he at least tried...

I can't see myself in you. I see the traces of you and dad in my siblings, but I'm the odd one out. I'm the one killing you, right?

Everyone was quick to praise me, while you stood with a machete at my roots. I jumped higher trying to impress you, but there were walls of trophies occupying your attention none of which belonged to me. My accomplishments, medals, trophies, anything and everything... were all tossed to the side and eventually gone with the trash, but you held onto anything that came from anyone else.

I had to compete with ghosts of people who meant less than nothing to you in the greater aspect of things, and I found my place with that.

That really hurt, though. That broke me down. I never felt like I could compare. Suddenly I found myself letting the seeds you'd put in my head grow. I was paralyzed by the weeds that would never let me grow. I was the kid you seemed to only hold when eyes were on us.

Prodigy? No, that was never me, and you had a million reasons why. All I wanted was a reason from you of why I could. I learned it would never be enough, though. Where others saw beauty and potential you saw a little girl who wasn't what you wanted... I was never everybody else...

Everyone else just seemed to be greater when measured next to me, at least in your eyes...

You taught me to turn hard and reject the tears that fell from my eyes. I hated myself for too long. I was taken from a cage just to be put into a smaller one each time.

Eventually my body became just another example of that. I was quite literally plagued by every heart twisting memory we had. That was my fuel for so long, and I felt my legs sinking into holes with each step. I stopped caring, and when I saw a spark of something... It wasn't for me. I only saw desperation in your eyes as I slipped from anyone's grasp... because you feared the effect it would have on your relationship with my brother. I realized that, and I knew you'd never change.

We're too far apart, and I know I wasn't what you wished. I was never easy. I was a hurricane. I was too much. You just couldn't run away from me, because of what they would all say. Even then... I know you love me in a way only a mother could. I tell myself this all the time. When you compare me to even my best friend or boyfriend... I tell myself this is just what you know. It's all fueled by love somehow.

My sister and you have always told me I have the worst attitude, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the times I've given you white hairs and all the times I've jumped off edges without thinking of the impact. I'm sorry I questioned it all and in turn made things hard for you... but I can't seem to apologize for being myself. I can't apologize for the feelings I've always had. I can't apologize for the heartache I had. I can't apologize for the arguing only for the words that were tossed.

You've taught me a lot. You're the reason I like to think I'm as level headed as I am (most of the time). I just learned that I can't control anyone's actions... only my reactions. I can't fight you with pain and anger. I respect you. I love you. I might never understand the logic behind our relationship, but I will always know I love you. You're my mother, and I've seen you cry for your mother. I hope you believe I've shed those tears for you, because I have... I do.

In a way I'm jealous that you have a relationship with your mother the way you do, because it's something that can't be torn even with time and space... Yet ours feels like it hangs on because of the distance.

As I've grown, I see your relationship change with my brother. I see him slowly pulling away in some ways, and I see how easily it is for you to not resume communication. Maybe that's something I get from you... the ease of cutting people out. I hope you don't take this offensively, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be like you or dad. I want those traits in certain aspects of my life... Not in my personal life, though.

Professionally, you've given me the skin to survive. I'm too sensitive, but when that skin comes out... I can't be torn apart. I just don't want that to seep into my heart... I won't let it. I won't let my strength be the demise of my heart...

With a heavy heart, I understand that the pictures of me are my brother's doing, but I no longer wish they were because of you... I see the ripped pictures and the strained connections. I see that maybe I'm not the broken one between us both.

I can't tell you that I've stopped wishing we could talk, though. That would be a lie.

The way I talk about us, people think we have this great relationship, but Gauri knows better...


Our relationship is like the house... it's being renovated, but it's still the same house. There's new parts and the important ones are being replaced. They're better, but they weren't the ones that were meant to be when the house was initially made. You see, we're great at the surface, but our relationship has become only that... we're a surface relationship.

Gauri came over that time and found the house empty, but it wasn't. I acted like it didn't bother me, but I felt my throat close. I looked at her as if nothing but leaving was on my mind, but I couldn't get over the stinging that was spreading through my limbs.

I didn't want her to see that it was just a house not a home... because that's how it feels. It feels like you all hide from me and don't want me around. Everyone goes to their corners and hides... Idk

It's hard to explain, huh? It's okay.

I do want to say thank you, though. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for the laughs we have had, however few. Thank you for the words we've shared lately. Thank you for so many things...

I know this is another moment in time... I know it'll come to a close, but I know we'll have another moment where we hopefully grow close again. I've learned how to be around you, I guess. I'm just not the best at it... I guess. I don't know how to tell you I'm not what you want, and I won't ever bend backwards again. I'm not willing to break myself for you to feel that power over me again. I won't let myself fall into fire in the hopes you'll watch me rise from ashes. I won't hurt myself to give you strength.

I know you're great. I've seen you with kids. It used to feel like you were kind to everyone but me... but that's not true. You're one of the kindest souls. You're a great mother. What we have isn't a fair representation of you... Because I see the greatness in you. There were plenty of times you were there calming my fevers at night... I see the heart that resides inside... So I hope you know I don't hate you. I hope you never look back and wish things had been different. I hope you never feel the pain I felt. I hope you go on with life unaware of the things you never listened to back then.

You wouldn't listen then, and I pray you don't start now. It's too late. It'd only break your heart, so I hope you go on loving the only way you know how. I was never a victim, by the way. You were the victim in all of this. You didn't know different. You don't know another way. You're stuck. I could go on, but I want to explain how I'm anything but the victim. I came out of this like a phoenix. (Guess that nickname Marvin gave me was suiting after all lol) Really, though, I won't ever be crushed by four enclosed walls again. Words are like water. My gasoline is love... it's something no one can break. I'm like a wildfire that can't be put out. You won't ever have to worry about me being the one to fall off, because I know how to get up and crush every obstacle in my way. You never have to worry about me in those ways. Am I strong? Yes. Mommy, you never have to sleep wondering if I can, because I promise you that there isn't a single doubt in me or the world of what I'm capable of.

Sure, this is meant to let it all out, but it's more than that. I want you to know that none of what happened made me damaged goods. I hate that saying, and it's always tossed around in my direction. The phrase itself has such a terrible connotation... know that those chips on my shoulder made way for better. You might see all the things in me that aren't "fit." You taught me that the world is full of critics, and sure there's always room for improvement, but I don't need to prove myself. I'm not my mistakes. I'm not my flaws. I'm more than my shortfalls. Everyone will see a million things that are wrong with me, but I just need to see the goodness in myself.... Mommy, I do. I'm not perfect and do stumble. I don't see anything wrong with needing a little help sometimes. Just know that we're good. Know that I really do love you. I'll always love you, and there's nothing a single soul can do to change that. My love for you is something unbreakable. I love you despite of your shortfalls. I will always love you.

Maybe one day, we'll even have a better connection. I just know that there's a lot of love in your heart and one day my children will be lucky enough to feel that from you in a way I didn't. Now, that is all that I truly want from you. Selfish of me until the end, huh? I just see the way you are, and I know you love me. I know you have so much love inside of you. I know that when the day comes, you'll love my children in a way they could never have seen coming to them, and I'm already thankful for that.

I hope you don't ever take offensively that I want to learn from the mistakes you and Dad made. I want to be a better parent to my children and in turn, like I said, maybe you'll see that and be greater grandparents than you ever thought you could be. And as I said... I won't ever bend backwards again for your approval, but that's for my own good. I'm living my life and hopefully that's enough for you. I hope you look at me and see something you love, because we won't have an unlimited time together. We have to make the best of these years.

Xx