Just Don't Touch My Soul With Dirty Hands

That's the secret, right?

I've given you my soul and opened doors for you to walk through, but I just hope you remember to never touch me with dirty hands. Is it too rash to say I know you wouldn't, though? I guess it's just the trust I have in you talking...

With the sun going down and your heart beating steady I can't help but sprawl my body out against yours. Our legs so casually tangled and my hands memorizing you like the intricate lines of my favorite pattern...

My fingertips feel the stubble grow, and I can't help giggle. You hate to shave... but you do it anyway. I LOVE when you shave, but I've learned to love the way your stubble feels against my skin.

It's bliss... being with you.
It's bliss seeing the way your eyes look at me.
It's bliss sharing every piece of me with you.

The way you talk about me to others even as I can't understand what you're saying makes my heart grow. Your love is clear, and I can't help but want to hold your hand. I can't help but want to explain how you're the sunlight I look to.

I can't help but let my soul turn to mush as a lifetime with you plays in my head. I can't help but gasp as I catch myself wanting to be old with you.

It's bliss.

I tell you silly stories and sometimes squeeze one out of you. You're a little harder to crack, but it's so special when you do share things with me. It's great when your whispers fill my ears.

My heart does a little dance every time you give me THAT smile. You kiss me and tell me little things not knowing how much it means to me, but it makes my heart skip a beat. Is that silly? Maybe.

I have a lifetime with you, and yet I just want to know you better now. I can't get my fill of you, and I don't see it happening any time in our lives.

Sometimes there's nothing to be said in that moment, but I seem to just invent it as I go. If only to hold that communication with you. We can talk about anything! I don't care if I'm on a ramble or spilling a fear... like I said it just comes out, and I'm okay with it as it goes.

I never seem to run out of tenderness for you.

I keep reaching for you, because I need to feel you close.

The small window is closing, and we have to face this coming struggle together, but I have no doubt we will.

You've given me an extra backbone even while I'm sick feeling like a lifeless body... you give me something I can't describe. Even if it's just the strength to open my eyes... You give me that, and I'm able to share my love with you for that moment longer.

I hope you excuse my bad writing and emotional tsunami of words. I guess you do that to me. I'm so overwhelmed with feelings that the rawness in my writing is evident. It's not polished how people expect, because I want you to see. I want you to understand that I don't care whether my words are delivered beautifully, because they're meant beautifully. They're genuine, and I don't sit here thinking of how to say what it is I want to say. I just try to show you my heart. No, I just show you my heart and hope that that's beauty enough for you.

I wonder if you remember me telling you how much I enjoy a particular writer's style. She's someone who is typically very heavy in their influence on my style. I haven't embraced it in a while, which is good to be honest. She was quite tortured, but there are some beautiful things she wrote.

There's one thing in particular that I read, and I hope you see the beauty in it. It's how I feel for you...

"In a way, I am never empty of you; not for a moment, an instant, a single second."

You see, whether we are physically near or far... you're with me. You are in the borders of my mind and in the entirety of my heart. We will get through time and have so many more memories to hold.

I'll forever hold the summer nights of tangled limbs with your smile looking into me. I'll forever hold the moments you told me you loved me, because you could, so you did... so I'd never forget, but I couldn't when you show me every day. I'll always hold these memories of us holding hands and even the pouting moments you get in your head. I'll always be full of you, and I'll always cry for you. If anyone is worth the tears, it's you.

I guess what I'm saying is some people wait around hoping they're enough for someone, but even as strangers we knew each other in a way other people don't understand. You're enough for me. You're what I want and want to keep... You make me feel like I'm the same for you, and there's nothing more wonderful than that to me.

A lifetime of you and me, cause there's a part of me I keep under lock and key... But somehow your key fits perfectly with me, and there's only one key, baby, so I hope you keep it close to you for me.

A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...

A Letter to... My Mother

This is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to put together. It's not a matter of just feelings but sorting out events... revisiting the past. It's about allowing myself to feel it all for you. I've held you up like the stars in the sky, and you'll always be dear to me... but there's so much I've never been allowed to say... It was easier to just put it all aside and hope it'd whither away.

For a long time I held resentment towards you, and it wasn't until I grew up a bit that I learned to let go. In the process of letting go of that pain, I think I lost a vital part of what made me that little girl that fueled my core to be so great.

I find myself regaining vital parts of my core, and I guess it's time I let things out versus try to push them aside with every fiber.

We've never had the best relationship, that's no secret, and I know we won't have the relationship I wish we could. I know that... That's not mine to have with you. I accept that, but it doesn't mean I've stopped wishing we could... We have snapshots in time of moments of what could have been, and I think that's what makes me cry the most. It's not impossible. It's not like you're incapable of it... I hold so much love for you, and it's hard understanding that the connection you have with my siblings isn't one we'll ever truly posses. Our relationship has been constructed in such a way it's almost an experiment. It's controlled. A lot of the success doesn't come from your soul, though. The strings that were attached to you belong to my brother, and I've come to accept that, too.

The funny thing is I've always prided myself on not begging for attention. I've never needed anyone, right?... I'm strong, I make people believe... I'm a one person show. I can make every room my own. I never needed anyone. Wanting and needing are different things... And yet...
I needed you. I never needed anyone, other than you. I wanted you to love me with every fiber of my being. I was quite literally climbing brick walls and falling to empty grounds. You never came to pick me up, though. You never ran to me, and I learned to stand up ready to dust myself off. I learned to never look for you.

I missed you when the lights went out, and I was terrified, but you were never there. It didn't matter if I was in my room or a hospital bed. I only knew the demons in my head knew me more than you ever dared... From the moment I was born, you were sick... or so I was told. Maybe that's why we held that disconnect? I can't place you in memories unless you were plucking the petals from my stem.

Maybe that's why I clung to my brother, because he showed me a love I never felt from you or my dad... Even then... I know I hold him to an unreasonable standard. He's not a young God. He makes mistakes, but I know he at least tried...

I can't see myself in you. I see the traces of you and dad in my siblings, but I'm the odd one out. I'm the one killing you, right?

Everyone was quick to praise me, while you stood with a machete at my roots. I jumped higher trying to impress you, but there were walls of trophies occupying your attention none of which belonged to me. My accomplishments, medals, trophies, anything and everything... were all tossed to the side and eventually gone with the trash, but you held onto anything that came from anyone else.

I had to compete with ghosts of people who meant less than nothing to you in the greater aspect of things, and I found my place with that.

That really hurt, though. That broke me down. I never felt like I could compare. Suddenly I found myself letting the seeds you'd put in my head grow. I was paralyzed by the weeds that would never let me grow. I was the kid you seemed to only hold when eyes were on us.

Prodigy? No, that was never me, and you had a million reasons why. All I wanted was a reason from you of why I could. I learned it would never be enough, though. Where others saw beauty and potential you saw a little girl who wasn't what you wanted... I was never everybody else...

Everyone else just seemed to be greater when measured next to me, at least in your eyes...

You taught me to turn hard and reject the tears that fell from my eyes. I hated myself for too long. I was taken from a cage just to be put into a smaller one each time.

Eventually my body became just another example of that. I was quite literally plagued by every heart twisting memory we had. That was my fuel for so long, and I felt my legs sinking into holes with each step. I stopped caring, and when I saw a spark of something... It wasn't for me. I only saw desperation in your eyes as I slipped from anyone's grasp... because you feared the effect it would have on your relationship with my brother. I realized that, and I knew you'd never change.

We're too far apart, and I know I wasn't what you wished. I was never easy. I was a hurricane. I was too much. You just couldn't run away from me, because of what they would all say. Even then... I know you love me in a way only a mother could. I tell myself this all the time. When you compare me to even my best friend or boyfriend... I tell myself this is just what you know. It's all fueled by love somehow.

My sister and you have always told me I have the worst attitude, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the times I've given you white hairs and all the times I've jumped off edges without thinking of the impact. I'm sorry I questioned it all and in turn made things hard for you... but I can't seem to apologize for being myself. I can't apologize for the feelings I've always had. I can't apologize for the heartache I had. I can't apologize for the arguing only for the words that were tossed.

You've taught me a lot. You're the reason I like to think I'm as level headed as I am (most of the time). I just learned that I can't control anyone's actions... only my reactions. I can't fight you with pain and anger. I respect you. I love you. I might never understand the logic behind our relationship, but I will always know I love you. You're my mother, and I've seen you cry for your mother. I hope you believe I've shed those tears for you, because I have... I do.

In a way I'm jealous that you have a relationship with your mother the way you do, because it's something that can't be torn even with time and space... Yet ours feels like it hangs on because of the distance.

As I've grown, I see your relationship change with my brother. I see him slowly pulling away in some ways, and I see how easily it is for you to not resume communication. Maybe that's something I get from you... the ease of cutting people out. I hope you don't take this offensively, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be like you or dad. I want those traits in certain aspects of my life... Not in my personal life, though.

Professionally, you've given me the skin to survive. I'm too sensitive, but when that skin comes out... I can't be torn apart. I just don't want that to seep into my heart... I won't let it. I won't let my strength be the demise of my heart...

With a heavy heart, I understand that the pictures of me are my brother's doing, but I no longer wish they were because of you... I see the ripped pictures and the strained connections. I see that maybe I'm not the broken one between us both.

I can't tell you that I've stopped wishing we could talk, though. That would be a lie.

The way I talk about us, people think we have this great relationship, but Gauri knows better...


Our relationship is like the house... it's being renovated, but it's still the same house. There's new parts and the important ones are being replaced. They're better, but they weren't the ones that were meant to be when the house was initially made. You see, we're great at the surface, but our relationship has become only that... we're a surface relationship.

Gauri came over that time and found the house empty, but it wasn't. I acted like it didn't bother me, but I felt my throat close. I looked at her as if nothing but leaving was on my mind, but I couldn't get over the stinging that was spreading through my limbs.

I didn't want her to see that it was just a house not a home... because that's how it feels. It feels like you all hide from me and don't want me around. Everyone goes to their corners and hides... Idk

It's hard to explain, huh? It's okay.

I do want to say thank you, though. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for the laughs we have had, however few. Thank you for the words we've shared lately. Thank you for so many things...

I know this is another moment in time... I know it'll come to a close, but I know we'll have another moment where we hopefully grow close again. I've learned how to be around you, I guess. I'm just not the best at it... I guess. I don't know how to tell you I'm not what you want, and I won't ever bend backwards again. I'm not willing to break myself for you to feel that power over me again. I won't let myself fall into fire in the hopes you'll watch me rise from ashes. I won't hurt myself to give you strength.

I know you're great. I've seen you with kids. It used to feel like you were kind to everyone but me... but that's not true. You're one of the kindest souls. You're a great mother. What we have isn't a fair representation of you... Because I see the greatness in you. There were plenty of times you were there calming my fevers at night... I see the heart that resides inside... So I hope you know I don't hate you. I hope you never look back and wish things had been different. I hope you never feel the pain I felt. I hope you go on with life unaware of the things you never listened to back then.

You wouldn't listen then, and I pray you don't start now. It's too late. It'd only break your heart, so I hope you go on loving the only way you know how. I was never a victim, by the way. You were the victim in all of this. You didn't know different. You don't know another way. You're stuck. I could go on, but I want to explain how I'm anything but the victim. I came out of this like a phoenix. (Guess that nickname Marvin gave me was suiting after all lol) Really, though, I won't ever be crushed by four enclosed walls again. Words are like water. My gasoline is love... it's something no one can break. I'm like a wildfire that can't be put out. You won't ever have to worry about me being the one to fall off, because I know how to get up and crush every obstacle in my way. You never have to worry about me in those ways. Am I strong? Yes. Mommy, you never have to sleep wondering if I can, because I promise you that there isn't a single doubt in me or the world of what I'm capable of.

Sure, this is meant to let it all out, but it's more than that. I want you to know that none of what happened made me damaged goods. I hate that saying, and it's always tossed around in my direction. The phrase itself has such a terrible connotation... know that those chips on my shoulder made way for better. You might see all the things in me that aren't "fit." You taught me that the world is full of critics, and sure there's always room for improvement, but I don't need to prove myself. I'm not my mistakes. I'm not my flaws. I'm more than my shortfalls. Everyone will see a million things that are wrong with me, but I just need to see the goodness in myself.... Mommy, I do. I'm not perfect and do stumble. I don't see anything wrong with needing a little help sometimes. Just know that we're good. Know that I really do love you. I'll always love you, and there's nothing a single soul can do to change that. My love for you is something unbreakable. I love you despite of your shortfalls. I will always love you.

Maybe one day, we'll even have a better connection. I just know that there's a lot of love in your heart and one day my children will be lucky enough to feel that from you in a way I didn't. Now, that is all that I truly want from you. Selfish of me until the end, huh? I just see the way you are, and I know you love me. I know you have so much love inside of you. I know that when the day comes, you'll love my children in a way they could never have seen coming to them, and I'm already thankful for that.

I hope you don't ever take offensively that I want to learn from the mistakes you and Dad made. I want to be a better parent to my children and in turn, like I said, maybe you'll see that and be greater grandparents than you ever thought you could be. And as I said... I won't ever bend backwards again for your approval, but that's for my own good. I'm living my life and hopefully that's enough for you. I hope you look at me and see something you love, because we won't have an unlimited time together. We have to make the best of these years.

Xx

Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...

He Doesnt Even Know

He doesn't even know just how deep my love goes for him...

He's intertwined himself with me, and I want him in every aspect.
I want the rainy days with him and the days where it feels like we're all walking candles melting away.
I want the exciting days and the calm ones.
I want everything with him.

I want the complexity and simplicity of life with him.

He's the one I want to fall asleep tangled with and the one I want to wake up peppering with kisses for a lifetime and then some.
 
I want the messy pillow forts that have him in them. I want to be the little spoon to his big spoon. I want to fill our fort with giggles, wandering hands, not knowing where to settle. Being in that moment, together, nothing else bothering us... feeling safe in his arms... That is what I want a lifetime of.

He kisses me until my knees buckle and my cheeks flush the color of cherries. Whenever I even think of him, my heart flutters, my stomach flips. It's all something out of a dream.

I've been talking about the way he takes away my breath... it's something bigger than myself. I couldn't start to explain it without a dizzy head.

The first time he whispered, “I love you,” I heard it over and over again in my head for days. It felt so right... I was dizzy with his love.

When we kiss, the world around us dissolves. It's just him and me, and I can't help but drown so wonderfully. When I'm with him, the world stops turning. Time is suspended; it's only us, and I'm so in love with the forever we've created.

He's the person I want to share my life with, every nook of me is an open book to him even the pages I can't quite read...

I never knew someone would look at me the way he does, and the considerate thoughtfulness in all he says and does only makes me love him more each day.

Fireworks

So I look in your direction with lights flashing and dancing in your eyes… The eyes I yearn to look at when I’m alone at night or in a crowd with faces that aren’t yours.

Yeah, I’ve always been waiting for you. Do you see me? Do you hear me?

Do I need to make it louder and clearer? You’re something beyond my years. I couldn’t start to explain what this is with you.

You’re someone I’d paint a million sunsets for. I’d drive hundreds of miles to see you.

Nothing could be better than the moments I’ve shared with you… My stomach drops thinking… just thinking…

I laugh at your lame jokes and feel my heart flutter at the sweet melody of your voice.

The alcohol coursing through your veins that I taste on your lips seems to have given you a little something new… Now you’re singing. You’ve only done this once before. I don’t think you remember serenading me that day, but this is better with your shy little gleam…

I can’t help the blood rising on my cheeks. I can’t help the way my heart does a backflip with every little lyric you sing in my ear. Paradise is when I’m with you…

I feel fear clutch my heart as an attempt to hold onto some sort of control, but it’s as if your love has become a repellent to that need… There’s no need for that control anymore.

Not with you.

How crazy am I at this point? Insane? Maybe? In love? Definitely.

I’m looking at fireworks in awe of their beauty, but the real firecracker is beside me. I can’t look away from you as hard as I could try to… The one I look to in awe of his humanity… That’s you. You’re more than what meets the eye. Your surface is beautiful but nothing compared to the core.

Every firework above us goes off with power… yet they’re fleeting. They come and go followed by more… No two are the same. They’re all beautiful, nonetheless. See, I’m not afraid of time, because I know we aren’t a single firework. We’re a show of lights without intention of ending a moment sooner than intended.

See… No two of our memories are the same. Yet, they go on and off like the fireworks above us. They’re followed by more each time, and they’re all beautiful. They aren’t permanent, but their length doesn’t diminish their existence. I guess that’s a thing… I know memories are moments in time. Their existence and importance, however, is still real and held dear. I hold them dear the same way I still see the patterns and lights going off behind closed eyes. What has passed isn’t erased. I revisit us in ways I couldn’t start to explain.

I promise you this. I’m sensitive. I cry. I fear.

I’ll be scared of losing you… But so be it. Sometimes I’ll hide. Sometimes I’ll be weak and need you to fall on, and I know you won’t run unless it’s to my side. I hope you’ll catch me when I stumble. I guess I just have that confidence in what we have.

I just never meant to be trouble. I hope you know that.

I’ll never let my fears stop me from enjoying the fireworks, though. I look at you, and I see a light show nothing could ever compare to. I have the best view, and I’d never give that up. I hope you know that, too.

I want to be good to you. I want to show you sparks I never imagined I’d ever show anyone.

Maybe you’ll understand me a little more somehow or know if you could possibly still see the sparks I see day in and day out in a lifetime that paints you by my side.

If you want that, anyways.

White Sheets

I crave the feeling of his skin on mine, and his pulse synchronizing with my own.

I crave the snaking of his arms around me instinctively and subconsciously pulling me the ever slightest closer to him while he still resides in dreamland.

I crave the softness of his lips on my shoulders and neck; the way he peppers me with kisses until they slow down, and his eyes start to flutter shut.

I crave the feeling of our limbs tangling up with each other and the way our legs find their rightful place in time…

Any other type of sleeping is a waste of time, now that I’ve found myself only wanting this with him. He makes me feel like I’m sharing secrets with another world, one only we can access.

I can’t get enough of his smell mixing with my own.

I smell him on me for hours and find my heart swelling and growing dizzy with every passing second.

I want the white sheets with him and sweet melodies of his whispers becoming steady breathing.

I want the slight breeze of the open window and pesky rays of light that try to tear us from the sweetness of this sanctuary we’ve come to treasure so much.

I want to roll him over and watch him smile as I lightly kiss his nose.

I want to be a mess of sheets with him and always feel that little tightened grip he has on my hips the moment I kiss him.

I want the countless mornings filled with his smiles and my blushing face hiding under the white sheets and his chest.

I want him and everything that comes with the white sheets, whether it’s at night, morning, or during the day. I want the package of him and I with the white sheets we’ll get tangled in from here on out. 

A Letter to... My Brother

I’ve held onto that for years. So many people have turned it into a trend to plaster everywhere, but it’s something I carry at the back of my head.

I clung to you and Ana. I idolized you two and adored you, but it was a lot more with you. You’d be washing the paint out of my hair that I got there with my attempt to become Picasso. You had to multitask, so you’d be memorizing Hamlet. That’s how I learned the monologue at six. My teacher thought I was a genius. It really took one time, and I was reciting it everywhere. What a weirdo, right? Lol I just wanted to do everything you did. I wanted to be as cool as you. I wanted to be as kind as you. I wanted recognition from you. I wanted your love.

I flourished in your hugs and encouraging words. You always made me feel like I had no limitations. Being a girl meant nothing in the world you created for me, because if anything I was stronger for it, according to you.

You’d tell me to always remember, though, what you had taught me.

Veni

Vidi

Vici

Because I would do just that, you’d tell me, and you’d be there to watch it all happen. Nothing would stop me… I was meant to do great things; you'd always tell me. I would make a change, and you’d be there loving me not only at my highs but lows as well. You never told me it would be easy... You reminded me it'd be hard and hurt me to the core, but it would be worth it. Nothing good comes easy, after all.

I knew your love before anyone else’s. I wasn’t old enough to understand the love my grandparents held for me until I was older and looked back. With you, it was obvious, though. I never had to look back and realize you loved me. I knew it all the way through.

You’re blunt and make me cry, but I wouldn’t disobey you. I respect you in a way that no one could understand. I trust you in every sense of the word. I think I even trusted you when I felt you had abandoned me.

When you moved out, I felt the rug being pulled under me… I know now you weren’t leaving me, though. I was a little girl and just felt the only person I could hug and be held by leave. No one would paint my toenails red again. No one would sit at the end of my bed with a stuffed elephant while I had a fever again…

It felt terrible. I didn’t see you for two years. Then you came back and pulled me up from under the surface. It was never your job to be a parent, but you were that and more, to me. You were my dad, my mom, brother, best friend, parachute…. Everything.

Asking you for boy advice is quite something, but I know you’ll tell me what it is versus what I’d like to hear. You hate when I cry and tell me to stop, but it never stops you from saying what you think. It’s all straight forward with you.

You’re the guy that I’d introduce to a guy formally if he were someone I wanted to marry. It’s hard to explain, but you just know me in a way that you can see things so clearly. You’re the first in the family who gets to meet the guy, because you’re the one that matters to me in that sense… the opinion. It’s like passing the baton. Everyone else just comes with the flow later on. I wouldn’t need to build up to you. That’s how you know…

Anyways, you’ve taught me to stand up on my own. You’ve always seen potential in me and have gone to all of my parent teach conferences. You’ve taken my contacts off while I’ve slept. You’ve carried me out of cars and put me in bed. You’ve pulled me from ledges and untied me from knots I shouldn’t have made. You’ve made the tough decisions when no one else came forward… There was no hesitation on your part… ever. You’d drop the world to save me, and I’d do the same for you.

It’s like we aren’t supposed to make sense that way. You’re a fire sign where I’m water. You’re supposed to burn through me, and I’m supposed to try to put you out. Yet, eleven years apart… and we couldn’t be more similar.

You’ve helped shape who I am. I walk into a room and command eyes on me… it isn’t something I realized until recently. You’re an introvert, but you know how to be an extrovert. That’s why you’ve always nourished me. I was the odd one out in a family of introverts. You’ve given me qualities I cherish from an introvert, and I’ve given you qualities of an extrovert to succeed even more.

It was never a competition… but you always tell me to be better than you. I love that. I love that your goal is to make sure I surpass you. That’s how I know you’ll be a great dad, one day. You’ve jumped through rings of fire to make sure I didn’t fall. You always push me when I need it and never let me forget to dream.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for putting up with me on days I was a complete nightmare. Thank you for being strong for everyone. Thank you for making sure I knew you loved me. Thank you for showing me and telling me you love me. Thank you for all the elephants. Thank you for rushing home with every frantic call from my mom. Thank you for holding me down when I fought you to let me go. Thank you for never letting me drown in the world. Thank you for inspiring me and never letting me leave school to do music. I love music so much, but you know me. You know the endgame, and you’ve never let me forget what shines isn’t always gold.

You’re the reason I am an embodiment of it all. Everywhere I go, I get what I want. It’s because of the foundation you’ve given me. I come, I see, I conquer.

So thank you for making sure I cut the silk threads my demons tied around me and learned to swim with them beside me. I’m a better stronger person, and I owe it to you. I love you, and I hope you never doubt that.

I know your core, so everything else is trivial. It doesn’t matter who you love or what you do. You could be bald or insanely tall… None of it would change the amount of love I have for you. I would walk through fire for you. It’s not a matter of blood, and I hope you recognize that. I know you know that I love with everything, and I love you… so know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do.

Here’s to the many many years we have coming. It’s my time to show you that all of your energy and love wasn’t in vain. The walk up those stairs isn't going to be easy, but you taught me to not give up. I'm ready to run up those stairs. I'll show you. I'll show myself. I've always watched you. Now, you get to watch me.

Xx