A Letter To... A Friend Worth A Million

Five years now.

I've called you my friend for five years now. Remember when we ordered 100 mcnuggets, and I gave up after a few? Remember when you got a red thumb dying my hair? Remember when I cried sitting on a toilet reading a love letter to you that just made me feel like I was scum?

Remember all the times you reminded me I wasn't the problem? Remember all the times you've brought me a clear perspective?

Remember all the times you were the friend I needed?

Remember all of that? Remember any of that?

We look around, and it's easy to pick out who we have fun with.

But who gets me?

You're one of them.

I can have fun with you... a fun that isn't dangerous
I can bare my heart to you
A vulnerability that won't be used against me...

I could go on for hours

The truth is...
You're underrated.


It's so easy to appreciate people who are always there giving you what's easy, but you've never been someone to simply give me something convenient.
You see the ugly in me, and it somehow isn't ugly to you.

You've given me what I needed even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

We just have a realistic friendship. In easier terms... healthy, long lasting, valuable... It isn't adorned with facades.

And look, I get mad at you, and you get mad at me, but I love you, and I know you love me.

Do I ever tell you that, though?
Have I ever told you that I do love you?

I trust you when it comes to concerns of my heart, because you're one of the people who have never taken for granted that vulnerability...

You're someone who has made sure I didn't lose it, actually.

Do I ever tell you how much you've motivated me in life and the integral part you've played in me growing up? The role you've played in the cultivation of my character...?

You're someone who I can laugh with and have heart to heart conversations with. You're someone who I'm able to speak to without rewiring my words with filters. I never feel like I'm not enough around you, either.

I've called you in panic needing you to rescue me, and it's never felt like I was a burden to you.

You allow me to be human. You allow me to grow. You applaud me spreading my wings, and you even push me to jump when I'm scared to fly...

Sometimes you believe in me in a way that's unfamiliar to me, but you've made it so that I accept it. I accept it without questioning it, and it's helped me in my relationship, actually.

A lot of the ways you are... that we are... it's almost prepared me. You've given me these tools in life which I'll hold with me on this journey, and I want you to understand how thankful I am. I want to tell you what I may never express. That's the thing... there's love between us, but it's never too focused upon.

You're one of the few people I've probably have held this dear... and felt that it was so obvious to the point of overlooking it as if it were common sense at times... but I see what you probably see in me. I see you surrounded by people who don't show it. I see you surrounded and being pulled apart at the seams, strand at a time. I see you constantly wrapping yourself in hopes of healing only to be stripped of all bandages, and I watch how easy it is for people to step back at a convenience. It almost feels like looking into a mirror.

I didn't come up to you and tell you you would become my friend and yada yada. I was drawn to you. I saw pieces of you in me and complimentary pieces within us. I saw how great you were and ultimately vibed with you in a way that I wanted you in my life.

It was a natural growth, and I'm coming to see how beautiful that is. Always natural...

I'm coming to see how so many people have come and gone... and will continue to, but you're someone I see myself growing with and closer to over the years. You're someone who I'll still know when I have kids and not as a memory. You're someone I want present in my life.

Granted we'll have our disagreements along the way, but it's nothing that frightens me. I don't feel like you'll walk away, because you don't hold that over me.
Maybe it's a silent acknowledgement... because I know I wouldn't take you for granted. There's no reason why I wouldn't see you in my life. Does that make sense?

Maybe it doesn't... it's hard to explain, though.

Driving to you is one of my favorite drives, to be honest. I never know what you'll say, and I feed off your energy like a battery supply. Does that make sense?

We can sit in a car driving listening to tracks of a boy from another time, and I'll never hold it over you.

I can be in tears, and you play a song that makes my mood shift so easily... and you'll never judge me

I don't think you realize that it doesn't take much from you to just get me.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy to have a lot of friends... it's easy to have the trendy friends that are merely flavors but the roots don't go as deep. It's convenient.

The non lasting friendships that are fun but lifeless in the sense that they're never meant to expand into anything past their sample life.

Am I making sense at all?

I don't know...

But

I hope you know one thing.
You're not my friend out of convenience.
I'm not obligated to keep you in my life.
I choose to have you as my friend and always want the best for you... even as I cringe away to lick my wounds.

I've never wanted to change you and ill continue to support you. I never want you to feel less than what you are and deserve to feel. You're amazing and every scar you carry whether it's physical or emotional has made you so much stronger. I look up to you in many ways.

You were one of the people who gave me a voice when I was muted. You taught me that pitying myself got me nowhere but acknowledging my feelings and making the best of the worst situations was what made me stronger... taking something from everything is what would build my empire. Fighting against the world would get me nowhere. Living to prove people wrong would do nothing.

I am who I am no excuses.
People will not always like or even respect me, but I know myself. I know my worth, and that needs to be enough.

Thank you for all you've given me. Thank you for being the branch I could fall on when I felt myself falling without a warning.

Thank you for being a phone call away... a drive away.

Thank you for being someone I wish everyone could have in their life, and I'm sorry for all of the times I have looked that over. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ever distracted by the lure of convenience and easy.



Thank you, Carmen.

Thank you for all the memories and laughs.... for everything. You're irreplaceable.

Xx

A Letter to... My Boyfriend

Hello, my Pokemon hunting, movie watching, game of thrones rejecter, wine connoisseuring, always sweaty, nacho eating partner. This might be my favorite letter, yet. Wouldn't you say so? I mean I guess we'll find out, huh?

It's been such a short amount of time, really... Yet you've managed to plant your roots in my life with no intentions of taking off. I'm glad.

I can't tell you if I loved you the first moment I saw you, or if it was the second, third, fourth, fifth, or so on... But I remember the first moment I saw you walking toward me. I remember that smile that made me think that I might not be completely bored if I got to see more of you from time to time... Oh, I had no clue what would come.

With time I somehow realized that you were walking towards me all the time with that look, but it was stripped back... even better and suddenly the rest of the world blurred as you came into a clear focus. When I was with you, you threw a cloak over us, and you allowed me to see something in you that was kept locked away... It felt like you were only letting me in. I looked forward to the small moments with you. I looked forward to you sneaking up. I looked forward to your lame jokes and soothing voice. I looked forward to just getting to know you more.

I looked forward to seeing you so much to the point I would hope and check to see if our schedules matched up, and I didn't quite understand back then how that would grow to what it is today. I found my lips tugging and forming smiles to mirror yours from that day on West.

We've talked about that first time. West.
West did something to us... quite literally, too. It wasn't just the place, but the moment you gave me that Kanye West CD was also a little step towards now, I guess. You remembered how much I had wanted it... didn't you?

Let me backtrack to West, though. 

It was an instant connection. We clicked and our guards stood no chance against each other.

It all just spilled from me like a river. With every word, it felt as if we inched closer to each other. I found myself sharing everything with you, and I sunk back hoping I could hide from your eyes... how they were searching mine at a speed I couldn't recognize, but you kept me there somehow. I felt like you were reading me front to back. You looked at me with eyes I couldn't face, and my mind was racing with thoughts as you poured yourself out in a way that I understood how you had looked at me... because I had begun to look at you the same. I had the benefit of hiding, though. I hid the moment bits of me were saying wow...

Your wants were my own. You and I didn't know much of each other if anything before then... suddenly I was telling you things I hadn't told any other soul. You were tugging at strings I didn't know existed...

There was something in my chest. It might have been excitement, but you didn't leave my thoughts after then. You'd make reoccurring appearances, and I couldn't quite shake you off.

We were so magnetic it was electrifying to feel your touch even from the beginning. It was basically shocking (quite literally). We made so much sense in the most insane ways... but they're not insane. You were just so confusing, because I didn't know what you wanted. I felt like I shouldn't want it... I remember our cars next to each other. That conversation on 7... I wasn't looking for you or anyone, really. I remember telling you that, but I don't know if it became just empty words I'd try to convince myself to believe, because you had already made your way in...

I think I felt that pull, and I knew what I wanted from you, but I couldn't say it quite out loud. I couldn't let myself see that just yet. I was scared...

One second I swore you felt it between us... the next I was sure I was just a little kid in your eyes. You looked at me with such adoration, but I didn't know where it came from until we created such a mess. I needed you to stop talking in what's ups and tell me what was up.

Monday brought it together for us...

Now, it's almost funny. We liked each other too much even at that point. It had you showing me another side, one almost desperate to hold on. I was scared, but I wasn't scared of you... I remember crying my eyes out until the green hues overpowered the earth tones... until my eyes were rimmed in red.

You showed me everything, though... I don't wish for it to have gone any other way. From the beginning you gave me a glimpse of it all, and it was something we both needed (in a way). You showed me a layer that I knew was there but hadn't experienced... You saw that I wasn't someone who would leave you.

But I cried in a way I hadn't in so long, those few days, and I knew that you weren't just a guy to me. You meant so much more, and we had to figure out what this was. We were on the same boat... just two idiots scared of the feelings they carried... not knowing what to do, so we finally let it be. We let ourselves be and feel. We put in the effort that didn't really feel like effort, did it? You felt right. You felt natural...

I held your hand in that car, and your Adam's apple was just bobbing. You swallowed, and I wondered if you were nervous. I refused to let go of your hand for a bit, though. I didn't want any tricks... just you. I wanted the package, and it was scary to let you know that. It was scary to admit that even at that point you had the power to hurt me. You'd become the person who could obliterate my heart, but you were and are worth it to me.

You had gone from wanting it all to being so careful. You couldn't even hug me for too long. I felt like you cherished me in a whole new way that you didn't know was possible.

I wanted to hold you closer with every day to come. I fell in love with you everyday, and I've chosen to keep loving you.

We've had little arguments. We aren't perfect... You've made me cry and hurt, and I've hurt you. The one thing I've hoped for has been kept up by you, though. That's you not letting me go upset. You don't let me go to bed mad, even now. We had an argument... more of me being upset and disappointed. You admitted to me your wrong doing, and I felt violated. We ended the conversation on a good note, well paused it, as I went to work. We resumed it later on and just talked it out... I can't thank you enough for that.

That's our thing. We let it out. We talk it out, and we figure it out. We fix it.

I feel your love in that way, even when you're seeing red. I feel you calming yourself down and biting the head of the issue off in order to make things work. I see the way your pride and stubbornness comes down for me. You let it out but quickly envelope me and almost give me my way...

We compromise and talk, but I see it in you. I see the way you love me and how nothing can overshadow your feelings for me. Any argument is trivial in terms of us. I see that in your features as the red fades from your eyes.

The one thing that got you in trouble seems to have turned into something else entirely...

Idk if this is good or bad, but I can't imagine it being bad... it's just that you're looking into so much. I mean it isn't bad, right?  It's usually not how you are. I see you wanting the package. You want to know me completely, and that even means watching my embarrassing moments. I mean wow. YouTube is terrible, and I can't get rid of those videos, I guess. I just blush and hide. I can't haha. Anyone else would basically be like NOPE. I don't want or need to know that side of you. I can't understand how you don't cringe away and just laugh.

It makes me laugh, now, but I was mortified the first time you brought it up. I can't believe you found those videos. Anyways, please don't watch them! You need to stop! Oh, I swear they make me want to hide under a table and never come out. I swear I've covered your mouth the moment you bring this up. I've covered my ears. You just love to tease me about it, and I can't help smile but also still be mortified. I guess that's what I have waiting for me, huh?

It's okay, though. I don't mind you seeing it all about me... even the moments I sounded like that. >.<

I think spending time in the city and working around music and that world makes it easy to lose perspective. It's easy to get caught up in that world and get swallowed whole. Everyone is plagued with such trivial things. It's too materialistic and heavy...
With you, though, I realized that stuff was fun but not important. All the dust seemed to clear itself and blow away. I don't find myself floating anymore. I'm facing the things I knew I wanted, and I have someone I want them with now.

Does that scare you...? Knowing I want it all with you...

Family means a lot to me... and I don't know when it happened, but it did that you started to feel like family. I want you to be my family. I want to build a family with you some day, and that's something words can't begin to explain, really. We just feel like we're slowly becoming each other's family already... at least to me. That's how I know.


Everyone talks about the soundtrack of their life. I can't imagine my soundtrack without the songs that you've sent me... the songs that remind me of us. I can't imagine the soundtrack of my life without the melodies that have run through my mind as we danced in that empty parking lot or kissed for the first time... the moment you told me you love me or the moments I cried in your arms...

The past isn't something I like to relive. I don't remember everything that happened just like anyone else would... Going back doesn't bring back the best of memories for me, so I keep most of it put away. It's a part of me, though. It's a part of me that even the people who went through it with me don't get to know, but I want you to...

So many people have always told me how great I am, and it typically psyches me out. It always felt like too much pressure. The more they oogled over me, the more I felt like a fraud. It all felt overwhelmingly constructed and just hard to believe... I don't know how to put it. The people I wanted to believe in me didn't. I had to pull through on my own... You make me feel like I can lean on you, and it's crazy to hear your compliments and feel them inside. I believe them and feel them coming from a genuine place. You're not enchanted by the mere idea of me... You know me, and I accept your kind words, because I feel like you see me as a whole versus a prize... You see my humanity and vulnerability... my weaknesses... strengths... Your love is just different... My love for you is just stronger. I believe in you in such a way that I know you believe in me... This feels like a partnership that words can't even start to describe. I guess only people who know love might have a chance at understanding us, huh?

Anything worth having requires hard work, though. You don't get to fast forward to be where you want to be. It's hard and sometimes we have to go through unpleasant situations to get to that gold pot. That's how I see the past... and (I'm sure) some situations that are probably ahead of us... but I want us to be the gold pot.

I want us. I've always wanted what I want with you, but it was put on the back burner. Meeting you, I realized I didn't just want those things, but I want them with you. I have goals for myself, but I have dreams I want to turn into reality with you...

You've managed to make my favorite things that much better by making them our favorite things... Every moment with you is held in my heart and forever cherished. I can't wait for the years to come where there's even more favorite things.

I can't way to go to concerts with you.
I can't wait to dress up for silly couple dinners.
I can't wait to have picnics together.
I can't wait to go on road trips together.

I can't wait for so many things, because I want to do everything with you...

Eventually my favorite stories will be my stories with you, and my favorite memories will be my memories with you. You're already starting on that path... it's crazy to think that I want one day for it to just be that way, though... Where when I look back you overshadow it all and my favorites remain the ones with you...

I wonder if you watch me the way I watch you and feel proud of me as I feel proud of you. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and see you as the package that you are not the mere idea... and love you more for it. I wonder if you look at me the way I look at you and if you see a lifetime, because that's what I hope for and want with you... I can keep rambling and saying all these things for days, really.

Oh, when will you get sick of it? Hopefully never. Hopefully you never look at me with a twisted face sick of me sounding like a hopeful fortune cookie... but I know you won't. I see you. I know you love me in a way no one can stand against. I know I love you in a way no one could possibly start to protest against. You never put me down for being who I am. You celebrate me, and I'm thankful for that. I'm thankful for the way you are and for having you in my life. Knowing you has changed me, and I feel invincible by your side, even more than before.

I'd go anywhere with you. You've become to feel like home...


So I have three words, eight letters. They seem so small but...

Never forget them, because I mean them with every fiber of my being

I love you...

A Letter to... A Dear Friend

Thank you. Thank you for being that person I can laugh with until it hurts. You’ve seen me after just rolling out of bed and throwing sweats on. You’ve sat in a dreadful class with me during my sweats week and skipped classes for Sephora trips. You’ve seen my hair go through every change and were there when I freaked out after chopping it off. I remember you telling me you’d get me a weave if it would make me feel better. You’d bring me calzones to cheer me up.

We both knew I just needed to let my hair heal, though, but the calzones were appreciated lol. Yet you were so shocked to see my hair be short. I think we all sorta freaked out…

We haven’t known each other for a lifetime, but you’ve given me a friendship of a lifetime

I’ve driven with you in the passenger seat while I obnoxiously sing or dance. We’ve both witnessed each other’s worst driving moments and funniest. We’ve tried to drive through cities in 5 minutes to make it back on time to pick your sister up. No regrets other than forgetting she existed lol.

I’ve stuck my head out of the window and followed that by sitting on the open window letting the wind lick me up while you laugh.

You’ve never seen me cry just struggle. You saw it that one day while I sat on the floor completely defeated. You and I both knew I wasn’t broken, though. I was tired, and you never told me how to fix it. You never tried to fix me, but I never needed that from you. You just let me be and figure it out, because you’ve always known I do. You never doubt me...

You’re one of the only friends who doesn’t oogle over me. We don’t hug or any of that… not really. You’ll be the victim I drag to workouts only to drag you to eat shrimp right after, though.

You’ve given up so much, but you give me more than most friends ever have. There’s this blind support you offer me, where you believe in me.

We sit across from each other laughing and eating wings. There’s that ongoing joke about us talking smack, but it’s really you looking at me with proud eyes. You’re one of the people who looks at me so content like having me in your life has added some sort of color.

Even then…. You’ll be the first to tell me if I’ve fucked up. It’s completely rare, and I think it’s only happened once or twice; that’s it, though, you don’t overreact about me. Your instinct isn’t to suffocate me but to watch me pull through.

I love that. I love that you root for me.

I actually low key love when you send me fire emojis or a collection of wows to compliment me.

I can have insane amounts of fun with you but also just be calm. I'm at ease with you... I don't have to be on guard ready to defend myself. I don't have to prove anything... You never make me feel like I do.

You’ve seen plenty of sides to me. You’ve seen me get physically sick the moment I did something that was just not me. We won’t talk about that lol. It’s funny, though, I guesssss. Haha

You’ve seen me go on cruise control, be a firecracker, be serious, studious, closed off, an open book, upset…

I’ve shared so many sides of myself with you and admitted to so many emotions. I’ve let you see me at the edge of anger. You’ve seen me fuelled by anger… something that isn’t my forte… but you’ve seen it.

You’ve seen me see red and the recipe that provides, but you’ve also understood and seen the root of my core and how vulnerable I am. How strong it makes me. I’m naturally happy, and you know that more than the average person.

You never tell me I’m giving too much… actually you rarely do. You only mention it if you feel I’ve lost sight of reality. Overall, you don’t ever act as if I’m a walking liability.

Being your friend has never been hard. We know each other’s buttons, but we wouldn’t dare press them. I guess that’s one thing that you solidified in me; the ability to drop people and not care.

I have no business in nurturing toxicity… You taught me that was okay; admitting that isn’t bad.

We don’t have to talk all the time, but when we do have those six months of nonstop… I could do it without a break.

I guess our friendship is the way our workouts have always been, huh? We start side to side, and before you take a breath I’m already in the front racing like there’s no tomorrow. I’ll go until my body can’t go anymore, and you’ll high five me with every circle I do around you. You’ll watch me take off full speed and never crash until I’m done, and everything rushes my body. You just remind me that I’m capable of more.

I’ve never felt pressure from your part. I’ve pressured myself, and you’ll be that little voice helping keep me sane.

You cool down the wild fires in me and throw gasoline in the fires that ignite my bones. I always wondered how it is seeing me through your eyes. You watched from an outsider’s view until you were inside. Was I what you expected? I know you hold me so dear. Our friendship is something so special to me, you know… You’ve just never tried to cage me in.

It’s as if any scar you saw didn’t have to be questioned. You just accept me. Idk… being my friend was never a burden to you. You’d be there to help in any situation. I can’t help smile at all the things we’ve done together. You’re amazing. I don’t say this enough to you, but you mean so much to me. I hope you know I’ll always have an extended hand out for you. You say the word, and I’m here to pull you up (if the time comes) just like I pushed you through those workouts… You can latch onto me, and I’ll do the pull up for both of us.

“I don’t need to tell you that you’re wrong or what to do. You’re smart and know what you’re doing. You always figured it out either way. I just want to see how you pull this one off.”

A Letter to... My Brother

I’ve held onto that for years. So many people have turned it into a trend to plaster everywhere, but it’s something I carry at the back of my head.

I clung to you and Ana. I idolized you two and adored you, but it was a lot more with you. You’d be washing the paint out of my hair that I got there with my attempt to become Picasso. You had to multitask, so you’d be memorizing Hamlet. That’s how I learned the monologue at six. My teacher thought I was a genius. It really took one time, and I was reciting it everywhere. What a weirdo, right? Lol I just wanted to do everything you did. I wanted to be as cool as you. I wanted to be as kind as you. I wanted recognition from you. I wanted your love.

I flourished in your hugs and encouraging words. You always made me feel like I had no limitations. Being a girl meant nothing in the world you created for me, because if anything I was stronger for it, according to you.

You’d tell me to always remember, though, what you had taught me.

Veni

Vidi

Vici

Because I would do just that, you’d tell me, and you’d be there to watch it all happen. Nothing would stop me… I was meant to do great things; you'd always tell me. I would make a change, and you’d be there loving me not only at my highs but lows as well. You never told me it would be easy... You reminded me it'd be hard and hurt me to the core, but it would be worth it. Nothing good comes easy, after all.

I knew your love before anyone else’s. I wasn’t old enough to understand the love my grandparents held for me until I was older and looked back. With you, it was obvious, though. I never had to look back and realize you loved me. I knew it all the way through.

You’re blunt and make me cry, but I wouldn’t disobey you. I respect you in a way that no one could understand. I trust you in every sense of the word. I think I even trusted you when I felt you had abandoned me.

When you moved out, I felt the rug being pulled under me… I know now you weren’t leaving me, though. I was a little girl and just felt the only person I could hug and be held by leave. No one would paint my toenails red again. No one would sit at the end of my bed with a stuffed elephant while I had a fever again…

It felt terrible. I didn’t see you for two years. Then you came back and pulled me up from under the surface. It was never your job to be a parent, but you were that and more, to me. You were my dad, my mom, brother, best friend, parachute…. Everything.

Asking you for boy advice is quite something, but I know you’ll tell me what it is versus what I’d like to hear. You hate when I cry and tell me to stop, but it never stops you from saying what you think. It’s all straight forward with you.

You’re the guy that I’d introduce to a guy formally if he were someone I wanted to marry. It’s hard to explain, but you just know me in a way that you can see things so clearly. You’re the first in the family who gets to meet the guy, because you’re the one that matters to me in that sense… the opinion. It’s like passing the baton. Everyone else just comes with the flow later on. I wouldn’t need to build up to you. That’s how you know…

Anyways, you’ve taught me to stand up on my own. You’ve always seen potential in me and have gone to all of my parent teach conferences. You’ve taken my contacts off while I’ve slept. You’ve carried me out of cars and put me in bed. You’ve pulled me from ledges and untied me from knots I shouldn’t have made. You’ve made the tough decisions when no one else came forward… There was no hesitation on your part… ever. You’d drop the world to save me, and I’d do the same for you.

It’s like we aren’t supposed to make sense that way. You’re a fire sign where I’m water. You’re supposed to burn through me, and I’m supposed to try to put you out. Yet, eleven years apart… and we couldn’t be more similar.

You’ve helped shape who I am. I walk into a room and command eyes on me… it isn’t something I realized until recently. You’re an introvert, but you know how to be an extrovert. That’s why you’ve always nourished me. I was the odd one out in a family of introverts. You’ve given me qualities I cherish from an introvert, and I’ve given you qualities of an extrovert to succeed even more.

It was never a competition… but you always tell me to be better than you. I love that. I love that your goal is to make sure I surpass you. That’s how I know you’ll be a great dad, one day. You’ve jumped through rings of fire to make sure I didn’t fall. You always push me when I need it and never let me forget to dream.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for putting up with me on days I was a complete nightmare. Thank you for being strong for everyone. Thank you for making sure I knew you loved me. Thank you for showing me and telling me you love me. Thank you for all the elephants. Thank you for rushing home with every frantic call from my mom. Thank you for holding me down when I fought you to let me go. Thank you for never letting me drown in the world. Thank you for inspiring me and never letting me leave school to do music. I love music so much, but you know me. You know the endgame, and you’ve never let me forget what shines isn’t always gold.

You’re the reason I am an embodiment of it all. Everywhere I go, I get what I want. It’s because of the foundation you’ve given me. I come, I see, I conquer.

So thank you for making sure I cut the silk threads my demons tied around me and learned to swim with them beside me. I’m a better stronger person, and I owe it to you. I love you, and I hope you never doubt that.

I know your core, so everything else is trivial. It doesn’t matter who you love or what you do. You could be bald or insanely tall… None of it would change the amount of love I have for you. I would walk through fire for you. It’s not a matter of blood, and I hope you recognize that. I know you know that I love with everything, and I love you… so know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do.

Here’s to the many many years we have coming. It’s my time to show you that all of your energy and love wasn’t in vain. The walk up those stairs isn't going to be easy, but you taught me to not give up. I'm ready to run up those stairs. I'll show you. I'll show myself. I've always watched you. Now, you get to watch me.

Xx