Static

Noise... it sounds like static.

It's all engulfing me, and I crave silence...

It feels like I'm trying to water a flower that's closer to ashes than anything. It's only been hours, and I'm already at a corner with red hands turning my throat purple.

My heart feels wounded, and I see why I stay at arms length. Words cut me in ways stitches can't repair. There's things I wish weren't ever said... things I had no intention to hear from those lips.

I guess I recognized I was too sensitive for my own good, and I'd rather be in bliss than feel the crumbling under my feet.

I can't unhear words, and I can't quite keep the tears from burning layers of my willingness.

Beyond Imperfect

But sometimes I feel a little extra imperfect. I'm far too emotional, and I can't quite get a grip. I cry until I'm dehydrated and my tears feel like they've carved creeks into my cheeks. I'm all blotchy and overly unpleasant.

I try to look at the positive to things to a fault until I become wary of it all. Suddenly all I can do is feel hurt and disapproval. All I see is my frustration, and all I feel is defeat.

I blame it on my baby syndrome, but I don't know if that's always the case.

Am I a victim? No.

I do feel attacked, though. I feel like I am attacked for being the baby at times. I'm the easy target, and I adore too much to bite back.

My mind is like a growing tree with branches constantly spreading out at an impossible speed, every branch being a different possibility... a different outcome. Some branches just grow stronger while others snap with the slightest of pressure.

I guess I'm immature for saying that, huh? That I get picked on... but the alternative is believing I deserve it. I'm supposed to have this tension with them, right? It's not that, though. I want to coexist. I want to understand. I don't want a tug of war...

I've seen how it is to give in and to completely take off. I just what the best of the two. Is that such a crime? I don't want to obey, but I don't want to detach.

I understand that there's a lot going on. I understand that. I just don't understand why it has to be the load I carry. I don't want to, and that might be selfish... but I want to do what makes me happy while maintaining that tie...

I want as much of the pie, but it feels like the pie doesn't always want me.

I don't want to hole up and mope about what is already done. It does hurt to feel myself being cut off for not giving in, though. It's not necessarily the cut off that hurts, but the meaning behind it that stings... what it signifies is what makes it painful...

How to make me give in? Pressure. Okay.

That's what it is, right? I'm being pressured to bend at the knees. I'm being cast out in some ways to turn around and beg for reentrance. I'm being axed out to be kept in a small perimeter.

I have a voice in my ear whispering all the things that are wrong, but I can't find myself agreeing with that lack of logic... I'm told to nod. I can nod, but I can't agree.

I can't be told what to think or feel.
I can't compromise who I am or want for anyone's sake...

Somehow the repetition is the blow that knocks me over. It's in the moment that I turn my back and feel the iron on my tongue as the blade plunges and twists from behind.

I'm suffocating.
I'm a burden.
I'm trouble.
I'm immature.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm thoughtless.
I'm inconsiderate.
I'm a bad influence.

The list goes on, and it feels like a whirlpool. I'm being spun and pulled in different directions. I can't find my place in my own mind at this point.

My lips are cracked between the sobs and choking. My eyes burn as if my tears had suddenly become acidic, and it feels like a broken record being sealed into my mind.

Am I suffocating? Am I such a burden? Am I trouble? Am I everything I felt so distant from? Am I the flawed sad creature I'm being told I am, or is it an attempt at taming me in a sad twist of events? Why does it feel like I'm constantly being conditioned to feel like I'm not good enough?

I can't say.

It's in that overwhelming flood of emotion that left feels like right and right feels like a blur.

My cheeks are hot but not from a warm flush of love.

My cheeks are hot in an attempt to stay warm, because everything feels cold. My bones have been covered in a frosty layer, and all I can hear now is the shattering of my teeth.

That's what I have to feel right? Alone. I have to feel alone and cold to throw any logic away. I need to be plagued by the murmurs and emotions of displacement.

I've been down this road. I've seen this road develop in polar opposites. I guess that's my problem. I don't think about solely my options. I don't necessarily think about what will just save me. Is that it? I think so.

If I discarded everyone else's best interest, it'd be easier.

I can't go, because I want to do it right.
I can't obey blindly, because I'd compromise myself.

I can't let anyone play on my emotions to control me.
I can't let my emotions weaken my drive.

I'm being told I should worry.
I should be worried.

There's all these problems on my hands, and I need to deal with them.
I'm expected to be in a puddle of self loathe.

The tears hurt now.
I feel imperfect in a way that burns.

I feel imperfect in the way that I fall short. In the way that my best isn't quite good enough. I feel imperfect in the way that I'm different. I feel imperfect in the way that what they need isn't what I am... that giving in would be easier for them and miserable at best for me. I feel imperfect in the way that I pull someone precious to me into a spiral of this... problems.

I don't feel beautifully imperfect tonight. I feel imperfect in the sense that it's all slightly heavier on my chest.

And I wonder what the right choice is. I wonder when I became the punching bag without legs. I think about what I'm being told I should worry about, but I know that's not the way.

My skin crawls at the thought of how expensive not bending my knees is turning out to be, but I can't say I regret it.

I can't say I'll ever bend my knees.

I can't say I'll be made to believe who I am is disgusting or a disgrace.

A momentary slip...

That's normal. Not being perfect is normal. Everything that is said isn't true, though.

It's just hard to feel the weight push me down. It's just hard to feel the floor beneath my feet give in like sinking sand.

I guess sometimes not giving in means not fighting back.

But my fault lies in wanting acceptance. I want support, and it's something I need to understand doesn't always play a role in my story.

I guess I got used to a different support... with him.
A kind of support I felt at home with and suddenly wished came from home, too...

Anyways, life is never quite easy. It takes adapting...

I just need to remember how to recognize manipulation and not let myself give in.

I need to look at the big picture and recognize the good in everything and everyone. I need to acknowledge the opportunities for growth.. I need I need I need.

I need to do all of these things
I can't lose my sanity
I can't let my emotions overwhelm me
I can't let myself be a liability, because that's how it feels, doesn't it? Sometimes...

I'm imperfect like that. I need to think about what I need to be to keep a family unit together, but all I want is to feel what I feel and be me.

So why don't I?
Why do I tell myself that isn't the right thing?

I don't know.

I blame it all on not being perfect. I'd never want to be perfect. I guess I just wish I'd stop wishing they'd see my imperfection as beauty... substance... anything that was separated from failure.

I'm not illogical. I just don't see the point in freaking out. Worrying about all of these expenses won't do anything. Worrying about everyone else won't make me feel any better. Letting anyone tell me that everything is my fault and on me, though, isn't right.

Being trained to be cold isn't who I am, either.

I might not be what everyone wants of me, but I'm someone I wouldn't trade for anybody...

Sure I'm not the best in many ways, but my shortfalls are opportunities to grow... I can't let anyone bring me down for that.

I'm not an animal that can be beat into obedience, and I won't let anyone turn me into a scapegoat... I'm not driven into paranoia by the flaws others point out in me. I'm quite the opposite in that sense. I face the fear or flaw and turn it into something to smile about... I can't stop now.

I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I know why I'm still here, and I know this isn't where I want to stay... Given the time to chose one over the other... I know my choice. I'm just trying to be better than the ones before me.

That's the thing, though, I don't like to complain about something that can be changed. I don't like putting up with things when I no longer have to. I don't want to leave like that, though.

It feels like I've already left or at least been isolated. I feel like I'm being groomed to become a financial profit more than anything, and that's what will drive me over edge if anything... I don't want to be controlled or held back. I don't want to stump my growth for someone's selfish benefit. That's the seed of frustration, a majority of it at least... I want to grow for myself and for someone I love. I want to grow with them, and I don't want to be held back this way... The more they try to cut me at my roots the more they grow away from them...

I don't play games. I feel myself spinning trying to find my balance, and I find it in a pair of eyes I've come used to waking up to... That's where I'm finding my sanity.

That's where I'm grounding myself. That's where my strength is coming from to make sense of this. My senseless crying seems so foolish when I see him. Sure, some things are frustrating... there's so much going on, but he's there. Somehow that makes all the difference...

He makes all the difference, and I know all I need is patience. No matter the obstacle... no matter the time... I love him, and I know it'll all be worth it. A lifetime with him is worth any tug of war with anyone, honestly...

I mean he loves me as perfectly imperfect as I am, and that means more to me than anything...

Xx

College Sucks: From An Annoyed 22 Year Old Girl

Oh how familiar is this post, huh?

Look, I'm just trying to let my frustrations out.

Can we talk about college, though, and why it really really DOES suck?

Don't get me wrong... I'm as nerdy as they come. I love a good study guide, and I get excited with flashcards. My eyes sparkle at the sight of a syllabus. I'm all about sitting for hours and reading about anything and everything. I'm all about it...

What I'm not about is this thing we pay for and call "college." I mean I guess you could say I love to learn, but I'm not into torture.

My grandma recently passed away, and I was ...maybe even still am in a weird state of mind. I emailed my professor trying to explain the circumstances. Her reply was to drop me. She dropped me from the class.

I've been having a war with my accounting professor over my grades. She finds any excuse to penalize me, because I don't try to earn the grades I get. She's been upset I didn't sign up for any of her career days, and I even miss class because of work. She locked the door on election day, because people were disregarding the importance of her class and voting instead.... Yeah, I mean who cares about the presidency when you have to go to accounting, right?

My Ethics teacher also dropped me in the beginning of the semester when I let him know I would miss the first class because of a job interview. I showed up to the second class, and he made an example of me as a woman and the way "we" think we can make men bend rules for us.

It's easy to say this feels like the semester from hell. Did I mention how funny college is? I got hit on by a guy who wouldn't go away, today. He literally kept bothering me up to my car. There was campus security coming around, and I had to tell the security guard that this guy was bothering me... That's the thing... college is full of guys who think they can ignore a girl's "NO." Isn't that just the world we live in, though? That's another story for another time.

I'm just frustrated with college. We're forced to take classes that have nothing to do with our major. We have to pay insane amounts of money, but there's people who enroll in college for just FAFSA and get crazy amounts of money that never goes to their education... Yet I'm disqualified for that money, because my parents make enough money. Yo, my parents don't pay for my education! Their money goes to bills, cause not every American makes money like they shit...

Professors think all we do is go to their class and dream about their lectures... Look, I have a job and 6 other classes. I'm just a 22 year old girl who is annoyed with the logic behind this system. I'm just trying to better myself while trying to adult on my own. Just as education stopped being free so did everything else. I'm an "adult," now and all of my college student money that is earned WHILE I go to school unfortunately can't all go to that Geology course that has nothing to do with my major. I have to eat, pay for gas, and I get sick, too.

Look, life isn't fair, but I'd like to punch college in its little poopy face and talk about what I expect from a professor when I'm paying for these courses.

Let THAT be known.

6 Months Into Forever

Time stops when I see him... but then it doesn't. It's like time has a skip to it. It's the skip I get in my step when I'm just too excited to stay in my skin.

Yesterday was our six months, and it might seem minuscule to some people... but it was everything to me. It wasn't a matter of the time but the treasure I see in "us."

We went a week without seeing each other, him being in a different state, just being overall busy to spending a wonderful evening together, nonetheless,  and waking up in his arms this morning.

It was perfect.

The only thing I wish would have been different was the amount of time I got with him.

I can't picture a day I won't want that constant contact. I can surely see the days we grow frustrated with each other over dumb things and other not so dumb things, but I can already tell you, or anyone, that he's that person for me... What I mean by that person is that he's the person I will fight for and always want to make things work with. He's the person who will always receive compromises from me, without a doubt. He's the person whose sides I want to know... all of them, even the ones he may be ashamed of. He's the person for me... the person I want to be with at my highest and lowest. He's the person I'm the most comfortable with in a very different way than the rest of the world.

It's crazy how it all plays out.

Yesterday was our first concert together. Did I mention it was the Saint Pablo Tour? Yeaaah. Yeezy yeezy yeezy.

It was great.

It was just bizarre, though. My friends know I will sing along, dance, and just get lost in it really.
I wasn't crazy.

I wasn't bouncing off walls. I was buzzing in a very calm way. I was soothed, and it was all Jacques.

I was so enamored by him... even more than before.

I didn't feel the need to sing along, because I wanted to hear him sing along. I wonder if that's part of loving someone. I've always been the talkative one, and I still am... but I just seem to want to hear the sound of his voice.

I was getting my nails done on Tuesday, and the ladies adore him. We were all talking, it was mainly them asking me questions I would shyly answer. There was one observation that echoed during Kanye, last night. It was that while I was so talkative and lively I seemed to calm down with him. I maintained my light and beauty but in a sense of awe... I became a little quieter and let him talk. I look to him with loving eyes and just soak in his words.

It's true.

It's not that I change, but I'm a specific side of myself with him. I'm a very content side... I'm a side that I only am with him... a side I only want to direct to him.


We celebrated our 6 months in such a beautiful way. We got to see Kanye, which some people might not get, but it goes back to almost 7 months ago... give or take.

He drove up one day with a copy of PABLO. I felt my heart do a backflip as he looked to me with that smile and handed me the CD. I can't explain what went through my head exactly in that moment, other than realizing this guy thought about me.

We had spent hours beforehand, already, talking about Kanye. You could say Kanye was at the start of it all. I mean he was! It's surreal, really, how that burnt CD got us to today.

At one point it was back in his hands, and then he placed it on my car. That little trading of the CD started it all. That call that followed... that's a story forever imprinted in my heart.

There was nothing effortless and yet everything was effortless about how we got together in the sense that the fit has been natural from the start. Work, though, is something we've had to put into this in the healthiest of ways.

It's this gradual commitment I see us coming to. He said something last night, actually.

"I'm tying myself down to you. That's what I'm doing, let that be known. I'm one of those that is walking in and closing the door behind him."

Those words, however short of a moment, took my feelings by storm. They were out of the blue, unexpected... but welcomed. I felt his grip tighten, and I forgot about how I had worn a pair of heeled boots without breaking them in... aka I was having trouble.

The night felt like a nice commemoration of these past 6 months. It was nice to see how we went from strangers to sharing a bed together and yet I make him turn around while I change. He lets me have it, though. He lets me have it all. He takes my indecisiveness and rolls with it. He takes my stubbornness and adjusts to it. He takes me as a whole at my best and worst.

The night was full of moments that made my heart swell with love.

He dressed the bed while I played with a blanket. He changed and cuffed his shirt while he didn't notice how in love I grew with him in that room...

He paced the hallway, and I heard the squeaking of his shoes, while I did my makeup in a poorly lit bathroom, but I couldn't stop smiling in there.


The way he looked at me and slipped his hands onto my hips.

How he so excitedly opened the car door to the perfect surprise... a vinyl that went back to the mixed CD he made me for my birthday, a single rose, and such a heart-filled card. I was shocked and just so so in love to read his words... his love. It was unexpected, and I wanted to jump into his arms. I want to hug him right now and kiss him for hours.

I want to go back to that room and just spend a day with him without the outside world interrupting us....

Even driving to The Forum was a nice drive.

He was amazing. The way he held me during the show... The way he jumped up, too... omg.

The way he would kiss me mid songs. I just can't even explain it without feeling light headed.

The thing is every moment with him has been a line in OUR movie. I wish I could stop time and sit down with him to watch our lives come together... watch it all play back from the beginning to now and after...

I swear he makes fun of me with his best friend. I'm sure of it, but then he looks at me... and there's moments in particular that he looks at me like I'm his world... I wonder if he thinks of all the teasing things he says and realizes that he's a fool for me... that he loves me in a way he, himself, could never measure

Because I'm the first to say I am crazy. I'm crazy for him. I am a fool. I'm a fool for him.

It's all just like a puzzle. All of these pieces are building a picture of us for the future, and I want it even when those pieces don't seem to match up. I want the struggles and joys, but I want them with him.


No other person than him.

I want his sweet singing in my ear. I want his curious hands and his heavy breathing. I want his silly faces and his selective patience. I want to end my nights in his arms and start my days lost in his eyes.


I want a lifetime with him and then some.
I want this life and the next.
I want his soul and mine to stay intertwined like our limbs at night.

I love him. I love him. I love him.

I can't every say that too many times.

My head is foggy.
My eyes are tired.

I know he's out there having fun at round 3 with his best friend at Kanye, and I'm so happy knowing he's having the time of his life... but I want to say more. I want my eyes to stay open. I want to write it all. I want to say it all.


But I guess there are some things that will have to wait to be said as my eyes grow heavy, and I admit that being with him makes all the difference... I'll leave it at that. Everything is better when we're together.

I never want to run from him.
I always want to run with him.

I want him to know

I just want him to know it all. I want him to want it all. I want to do it all with him.