Girls, BYE

So, if you haven't watched the series finale of Girls, you should. You should also probably pause and not read on, because there are spoilers to come.

A lot of people are having trouble "latching" onto the end of it all.

LOL cmon that was KINDA funny!

Let this be a classic! Oh, what are we gonna do without this unfiltered Hannah Banana?

Sooo... before I even watched the finale, I saw this quote. It really made me think about why I love Shosh so much beyond the motor mouth quality...

“We’ve all often referred to her as the moral compass of this show, and I think this season everybody is really trying to falter-step less than they have in previous years. We don’t tie everything up in a bow, but I think you find some satisfaction with all of these girls at least starting on to the proper path they haven’t been on previously.  I think  she is sort of the farthest along on that path, and that is – to me – quite victorious for her. She’s taken some of the bolder steps, but also fallen the hardest in some ways, so I’m excited for everyone to see the growth that she has this season.” – Zosia Mamet, “Shoshanna”

Anyways, lets start with what happened... We all need that moment to summarize the end of the voice of our generation... or a voice of a generation. Isn't that what this show was?

Okay, lets break it down... (especially for those who aren't caught up)

Hannah and Adam try it out again as in they try to get back together... cause Adam stalks Hannah and tries to say he'll raise her baby with her.

Then reality sets in... aka they remember that their history isn't all unicorn fraps.

So what happens? The only other logical thing, apparently. Is it logical, I don't know, but it is ironic. Remember this scene *ahem season 1 ahem with Hannah*

So yeah

Jessa and Adam end up together or SOMETHING...

Elijah gets cast in a musical, and we're all getting feels of what Glee SHOULD have and could have been.

Shosh is engaged to a hottie Asian (me too, girl... I always knew you knew what was up).

Marnie grows up after she finds out her diamond earrings were fake and everything she ever knew was a lie... and ends up masturbating on video cam (don't feel ashamed cause hey you go, girl)... and well Hannah has a baby.

I bet she wishes she had masturbated instead at least at ONE point.

That's right... Remember this surfer DJ dude with a girlfriend? He puts the seed in Hannah Banana.

Hannah legit has a baby and ends up giving up her pants to a spoiled little brat that shows Hannah the light.

Basically, the finale was perfect. It didn't tie up every storyline in a bow how we're all used to a lot of shows doing, but it was what a show like Girls deserved. It needed that unapologetically unfiltered ending that made no sense to so many people, because it wasn't meant to make the viewers happy... it was meant to do the story justice... to give it the most authentic ending it could.

The story started with Marnie and Hannah and was meant to end the same... it was Marnie and Hannah trying to figure it out all over again.

Overall, it felt real. We all had that Shosh moment at some point where we realize that the friends we have had are no longer our friends. The memories aren't changed, but the future just simply doesn't include the people we thought it would.

We all grow. We all change... and we're all just trying to do our best.

Now, we've all identified as one of the girls, but what this finale and season as a whole taught me was that we're all a little like them all. I've never felt myself closer to a group of characters like these girls. I have that naive nature of Marnie and that yearning to make a mark that Hannah has... I have that fighter spirit that's embedded in Jessa's bones and that motor mouth that's a staple of Shosh... All in all I was happy with the way it all played out.

As I was saying the finale was suitable for this show. It really cut us off on that last episode and felt real for that. The second episode to the last was the last time we saw all four girls together with their individual styles clashing just as much as they ever had, but they were screaming their clear unsuitableness for each other...

In real life, when we split ways with people, whether it's on good terms or not... that's it. We're suddenly at a crossroads between the now and future. We no longer see how everyone else's lives progress. We're faced with that challenge that is our lives, and we struggle (as Hannah is no stranger to). Then, we woman up and grow. We keep fighting... we're faced with that half naked girl crying about nothing and realize how we've all been that girl and get that moment to almost talk to that old us (in a new person) in hopes that we can help them.

It's crazy to think that the show that at one point was seen as a feminist awakening has ended. I've gone back and forth between feeling it was an unflinching and even ugly view into the relationships of young women and an intelligent and funny look of girls in their twenties. Sometimes it felt unreal and disconnected, but I guess life feels that way at times, too. Either way, it can't be denied that this show is a voice of a generation that will never be silenced...

Shoshanna will forever be my favorite, though, and I can't possibly end this post without some Shosh moments.

Disillusionment

The beauty of history is that it's everywhere. It's in books, in clothing items, in scars, in the fibers within you.

I think about it, you know... The past. At least I'm thinking about it right now as I go through a drawer full of dresses I could only dream of fitting into now.

That's the thing... We all have demons that we try to drown but just learn to swim alongside...

That's life, though. We beat them for so long and sometimes feel them catch up.

I would be lying if I said that mine haven't crept up, but I'd be damned if I uttered that out loud. The point is to stay strong, right? It's to not let the self doubt and insecurities become louder.

It's to succeed despite the environment you're in.

That's what I learned from Colton, at least. All those years ago. Five years ago, right? Or was it four?

He taught me to see beauty in myself when it was much more evident, but it stuck with me. See most girls like to act like every single ex they've dated is complete shit. I'm the first to say that that isn't true. I've dated some types of guys (lol) who I clearly drifted from, and there were also some great guys.

There were guys like Alex (before Alex)... yeah how confusing, right? I mean I didn't date all of these guys but definitely bonded with them... Anyways, Alex was great in the sense that he was the first guy who I REALLY liked and never dated. We were those little kids who grew up together, but he was always a little older. He was the guy who I'd climb up into tree houses with and would give me his bomber jacket to wear at night. He'd hang up pinatas when I was mad and gave me a stick, telling me to let it out. He was the guy who would hold my waist and make sure I didn't fall off a skateboard. We'd watch weird movies together and overall it was great.

Then there was Alex, the first boyfriend, who would wait for me to get out of volleyball practice and wrote me shitty but great songs with his little band. He'd write me love letters and decorate my locker. We'd dare each other to do silly things and the way things ended didn't make him justice. He made me laugh until my stomach hurt sometimes and knew my favorite snacks. I'd run across the quad and jump into his arms. I was so tiny, and he was a giant beside me.

There was Justin who got the frantic me and brought me back from the frenzy, all the way. He got the me with doc martens and little skirts. He got the me with the little shorts and inappropriate shirts. He got the me who had been far too scarred, but he never took advantage of it. We would hang out with Peter and July and listen to all of our favorite songs. We'd all get on stickam and Peter would serenade us all. Justin would try to play with my hair while I played with July's and always managed to knot it lol. We had the most fun with firecrackers and no one wrote as beautifully about me as he did. He'd draw me and take pictures all the time. I was his muse in so many ways... He taught me how to get down and dirty for a picture lol. He would help me with my spikes. He'd write beautiful songs and struggle to tell me his feelings. Eventually it just wasn't enough... I think he was the closest to the two worlds of being a friend and boyfriend. He was the best mix up until then, and I think it was bound to happen. We started as friends, and we would end the same.

There was Mason who kissed me too soon after a break up. He was a firecracker. He was wild, but he liked me so much, and I couldn't see why. We did a play together. He'd make me laugh all the time, and I remembered how fun it was to like someone without all of the insane drama.

There was Urik who loved me to the end of the universe. He was always just a friend, but I had a strong love for him. It just was never what he wished it was. He would have done anything for me, and he did. He took care of me and made sure I got to go to Disney for a birthday. It didn't matter that my current boyfriend would be there, because he just wanted me to be happy. He was so selfless and made sure everyone was kind to me. He never made me feel bad for failing to reciprocate his feelings. I felt safe around him. He wasn't like the others who would try and grab at me. He genuinely wanted the best for me, and he sure pissed my boyfriend off... There was an ironic difference between the two...

There was Alex B who I'd find a comrade in. There's no words to explain this one other than the best friend I wish I could have had in a girl. I had a strong love for him. I'd draw on his mirror and take his shirts. We'd all play video games and pile into one car ready to take on the world. I had many conversations with him that shaped me. We'd be looking up a the stars or sitting across each other in the jacuzzi, and he'd try to tip toe around the issues he knew I had. I remember him holding my hair while I threw up. There was a fear in his eyes, and he took care of me in a way only a brother knew how. He saw more of the ugly sides of my demons than any of our friends. Somehow he still managed to love me like the sister I felt I was to him.

Second to last, is Colton. He was the first guy I actually saw after high school. Summer of 2012 we went wild. Not really... but I found myself with him. He was a great guy. He was smart. He was all the qualities a mom would want for her daughter. He got me to dance again. We had a great time, while it lasted... It didn't work out, though, and it wasn't on him. We had a great time, and he showed me the stars, but it was short lived... I enjoyed it but knew he wasn't it. The electricity wasn't there.... I didn't know slot theory yet, though, and I wouldn't understand why it wasn't enough UNTIL then.

Before there was Jacques there was Ash.

Ash was the card that everyone was waiting for, right? I think he was the guy people would expect I'd end up with, and he certainly awakened sides of me I'd try to shut down. It wasn't all there, but he did remind me that every demon I had lived with wasn't me. I got to run around streets with him and see the behind it all. There was always an adventure to go on, but sometimes I wanted to just be... and I didn't find myself building anything with him because of that. I learned too much and knew I didn't want this. I got to witness memories become immortalized, and I supported him to no end. There's just times that someone's values don't fully match up... not the ones that should, at least. I do think there was a time I thought I could... that I would. He took me out of my comfort zone... I did share things with him that I haven't so readily shared with others... but I had to have a full disclosure with him... which is why I think I felt like I could. I told him about mistakes I'd made... trusting people. I told him about vulnerabilities. He understood, though, or at least made it seem that way. I was scared to share anything again before him. It taught me that sometimes you have to share things that aren't comfortable to... at least when you want to build something with someone. There's a point where you have to intertwine for things to work...

That's when Jacques popped into the picture... He came later on... and he's someone who I never want to put in a post about the past... I don't have the words that do him justice... I don't have words to do our love justice...

I'll leave THAT at that

So...

The point of this post is what? I don't know. I guess it's about how not every ex or guy you know is a dick. Point blank...

I think we're accounts of gathered experiences... we're pieces of the people we've met, and these guys have definitely taken and given me what has come to help shape me.

There's this misconception with me... that I'm able to say sweet things about anyone even assholes. Maybe that's true to an extent, but I'm not blind. Everyone has good in them, but they also have bad sides. I'm not that foolish. Sure, I have a habit to see the best, but I think we all focus on the bad too easily... Both sides are part of the mix.

My point, I guess, is that it's easy for some of you, who know me, to say that I've never known a good guy for the life of me...

There have been plenty of guys in my life who have been nothing short of great, including my brother and father.

Sure... they don't get the credit they deserve. Everyone is too busy pointing out the guys who wronged me or took something, but I'm here to say that even those guys are good... or will be.

That's the thing, I'm not my mistakes, and they aren't either. We all go through a rollercoaster where we hit our lowest, but that doesn't mean that's who we will remain.

I'm not at my worst, and I hope to never revisit that point in my life. If it happens, though, it won't mean I stay there.

We all grow, we all change.

I went from being a strong confident girl to a torn girl back up and down. I've been friends with people who weren't the best for me, and I've kissed the devil himself. We've all danced with death to some extent, and it's all been part of who we've become. I've felt shame and embarrassment. I've felt guilt and pity.

We're all human... it's all a part of it, right?

I had a conversation that made me uncomfortable for a second last night, and I didn't let my voice show it, but it made me think about this...

You see I've made the mistakes and choices of taking pictures that I sent to someone as well as pictures being taken of me. Long story short, there were consequences.

I found myself sharing this with a guy and sharing how I felt it had stumped my sexuality. It put fear in me, and I remember him making me feel comfortable. I remember choosing to do it. I think that's why I did what I did. I had grown close to this guy. I'd seen sides of him, and he had seen some of me.

He told me to own my sexuality. That's when it happened. I grabbed the lace and changed into it. I didn't think, or I did. I can't say what I was thinking or feeling other than my stomach dropping. One thing led to another. Next thing I know I'm giving this guy a lap dance, and I remember it so clearly.

I remember seeing a camera, and that was the end of that.

So what IS the point of this?

I don't know. I think we all make choices that we feel ashamed of or don't. We make choices or do things that we feel we can't talk about... why? Cause I'm a girl? Cause if I talk about it I'm a slut or whore? I don't know. If I break the illusion that every guy in my life ISN'T a fuck boy then I must be the problem, right?

I don't know. Everything is scarier in the dark, though. Everything is worse before you say it. So yeah... I have work in an hour, and I'm not sure why I'm putting this up other than the fact that I've always been afraid of what people think or say. That's how we're raise to feel, and I've thought about it...

We can't change the past or the choices we've made... and I did think about it. Yeah, my parents might not like to hear these things, but the end result is me now.

I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty great. So I'm here to say that you're pretty great, too. You were shaped by the not so great people and experiences in your life, sure, but you were also shaped by the better people and experiences.

We're all complex recipes, and we could be gross... but I promise you you're delicious. I don't know... (I say that a lot for someone who can't stop talking)

Anyways, life is hard, and it gets harder. You'll forget about how it used to be and get stronger. Sure, sometimes you will have bad days... but you've got this. We've all got this.

That's all I do know...

First

I'll stop being the first to make the efforts and watch you forget my existence.

I'll give you space hoping you'll close the distance easing my despair...

I'll stand at a distance watching my absence remain unaffecting.

You'll no longer crave my presence or care to search for me, placing me in your front view no more...

Everything you said was fleeting, and it'll hit me then.

I'll pull my roots out as you don't realize it. I'll watch you looking straight ahead not seeming to care.

That's when you'll wake up wondering where I went.

I'll be a world away not trying to show you the hole you left.

I won't listen to the begging voice in my head wishing you'd wanted me to stay, because you didn't care from the moment I stood up to walk away...

Here's to 2017

It's no secret that 2016 has been one of the hardest years yet. Truth is, that your 20's are the time in which you change the most... Things are supposed to change.

I can be the first to say that that is true (100% really), but it's also not so much that we change as people, but the lens in which we see life through becomes sharper.

My 21st year of life was the game changer where I found myself really cutting down on who I surrounded myself with. I rebuilt myself and destroyed myself repeatedly trying to figure "life" out.

I've always been that social butterfly, and I'll remain that until I die (I presume)... I just found myself giving all of the right pieces of myself to the wrong people. I started what you could say was a purging of sorts...

If you know me, you know I'm set on my ways for half the battle and sometimes swayed by those I love hoping their intentions are the best. I realized that you could know someone for half your life or entire life... that doesn't mean you truly know them. What someone may call their best intentions may not be the best for you...

This isn't meant to say 2016 was all bad. It was filled with LESSONS, but it was my favorite year yet. I want to just thank everyone in my life who has loved me so dearly and so fiercely... this year especially. I've gained people, lost a few, and reconnected with others. The most important milestone of this year is that I've found my footing. I've learned that there are people who you can love so fiercely until you don't, and there is no harm in that. That doesn't mean you're a bad person... You need to respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from what no longer serves you in any way. It doesn't turn love to hate, but it simply means that loving someone isn't enough to make them right for you. I've learned that not everyone is who you think they are or have thought, like I said. I've learned to feel that whole heartedly, mourned those losses, and have let go.

I've learned to value myself in a way that has always been stumped by  those same people who I've believed loved me despite my flaws.... Simply put, I realized this year that I was not the problem. I hope you all look at yourselves and learn to love the bits and pieces people have always made you turn away from. Don't be ashamed in the flower you're becoming. You are blooming. You're no longer a seed. You're no longer a bud. You've been beautiful every step of the way, so don't let anyone make you believe you're anything less.

2016 was the year of growth more than anything. I've heard every bad comment, but I've also heard every good one.

I can tell you that I've changed, but I haven't. There's lessons I'm bound to relive, but I'll be better prepared... I've learned a thing or two. My point, though, is that while change is inevitable, it's important to know the difference between growing up and downright change....

There was a lot of change this year and some said I even became a completely different person.

I really considered that. In some ways I feel that way, but it's more of a sense of freedom that makes me feel that. What I realized is I've become stronger. I'm still that girl that I've been from day one. Some ideas have changed. My way of being hasn't... that could be seen as good or bad.

Take it as you may.

2016 was truly one for the books, though... It was one full of lessons. Anyone close to me understood how anxious I started this year. I was afraid of life in so many ways and afraid of myself in many others. I had allowed myself to be swayed by people telling me I was everything that had been turned into ashes. I truly felt difficult to love. I felt like I needed to put myself together.

The truth is that I found a lot of new beginnings. I found forgiveness for others and myself. I found a passion for myself in a way I only ever knew to put into anyone else and everything else but me.

I've always heard people say, "I'm not easy to love," but 2016 taught me otherwise...

It's never hard to love someone. It shouldn't be hard. Life is hard. Problems are hard, but love isn't. A feeling isn't hard but natural... everything else is another story.

You see... you hit a point in time where you want everything to remain a certain way, and that's when it ALL gets hard. It's like a hurricane turning inside out, but you get through it.

You can't force people to love you "in spite of" change. You can't also torment yourself and allow them to keep you in a time capsule.

Anyways, 2016 marks the year that I grew closer to my family. It's the year I finally figured out my value. It's the year I got an amazing promotion on top of promotion. It's the year I got in a car accident. It's the year I chopped off all my hair. It's the year I gained patience. It's the year I fell in love. It's the year I learned to have fun in my own skin. It's the year I learned the difference between genuine love and convenience. It's the year I learned that some people will fight for you even after they've lost you. It's the year I learned that forgiveness and second chances are valid companions.

2016 was the year I watched so many people fall apart. It's the year I lost another grandparent. It's the year Jacques stood up to be my rock not just a boyfriend. Thank you. Thank you to the people who were good for me at a certain point in life. Thank you to the people who have fought their way back into my tunnel vision ways of life (at times). Thank you to my parents and family, entirely. Thank you to the teachers and coworkers... bosses ho have seen the potential in me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in any way to get where I want to be and am still going.

I understand this is a ramble of the usual kind... but 2016 has truly been beautiful. It's been full of tears both falling from the sky and eyes. We've had our falls but have gained so so much from it all.

2016 was a blessing in disguise. I learned that I suck at pool and am extremely rusty with my bowling. I learned that my dart game is ok. I just had a magnificent time.

My New Year's Eve wasn't full of partying... it was rather low key. We rang in the new year with pizza, wings, and lovely veggies. We had drinks, did arts and crafts, watched a movie, and we played taboo. We had doughnuts and lovely cake.

It was a completely different type of "ringing in the New Year," but it was just a little bookmark reminding me of the new direction in which this period is taking me. I no longer feel aimless. I'm delighted. I wake up every day with joy in my soul. The demons that haunted me have become neighbors I thank every waking moment... for they have made me stronger.


There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel so lucky. I'm surrounded by people who love me and whom I love. I'm blessed with adventures... both mundane and exciting. The most exciting adventure, though, is enjoying life in it's quietest and wildest moments alike... So there's that.

In 2016 we leave behind all the toxicity and bring forth new beginnings.

I'm excited to keep going to school (if I had it my way I'd have 7 degrees and go to school forever lol)
I'm excited to continue growing professionally
I'm excited to go to San Fran
I'm excited at the possibility for Puerto Vallarta
I'm excited to finish paying off my car
I'm excited to keep paying bills
I'm excited to be able to be financially independent
I'm excited to watch everyone around me feel this feeling

I'm excited to go anywhere and nowhere
I'm excited to do it all

I think life is as beautiful as you allow it to be.
This has been my favorite holiday season...

I'm so in love with life and everything that has become my life.
I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I can't wait to share 2017 with you all.

Here's to more travels and falling down dirt hills during hikes. Here's to it all.


Here's to the containers of salsa that we will share and to the jukebox not the golden tee (for next time). lol


Xx