Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...

Blending Colors

I think in colors. Memories are colors. Dreams are colors. Feelings are colors. Love is a color. Being in love is actually a set of colors blending... reds, blues, whites, greys, greens... all of them.

I can sit here telling you about the way we wrote a story in the fog on the windows that night. I can sit here telling you about all the memories made, but none of that will show you how it all blends. None of it will sum it up.

That's the thing, love is a beautiful picture with blending in places you didn't think would be necessary. It's so beautiful and intricate... If you stop and think about it, it takes your breath away.

There's stages to it like any painting or drawing, though. Sometimes steps don't have an order, either... each one is different. The thing is they each have their beauty. There's no point in trying to recreate something. Individuality and originality is key. No two loves are the same.

I guess you can say I'm scared at times by this. For someone who is scared of it all but held back by nothing, I'm quite amusing to mock, probably. I just find myself surrounded by colors. It's overwhelming, because I didn't think they'd all appear now. Do I have a problem with it? No. I'm glad it happened how it did.

There's just this heavy load on my chest that feels like someone holding my heart. This is so immense it suffocates me, and I find myself choosing that as my preferred way of death. Lets be honest... there's no easy thing about this, but I'd dip my hands into fire to keep this feeling. I'd keep it even if it was my cause of death.

Look, nothing worth having comes easy, and love is worth the frustrations, work, confusion, tears, laughs... all of it. It does make me dizzy, though. It's like control has slipped my fingertips, and I don't find myself grasping for it to come back.

Maybe only fools fall in love. I don't know. I might just be the biggest fool, then. Well I'm a mighty happy fool.

I just know that there's a set of colors I didn't know surrounding and enveloping me in ways I didn't know were meant for me.

The scary part is time. Does love fade with time?

That's what we all have to fear, right? That and complacency. No one wants to stay in a loveless relationship out of obligation.

Well DOES love fade?
Not the love, the excitement of a honeymoon stage does. Love can leave if it isn't tended... it isn't something you should take for granted, but it isn't doomed. Love is a choice that you make every day, and if you want it, then you have to put the same effort into it. Fading and evolving are two different things, though.

So many people misinterpret change as an end. Loving someone has its own stages, but it doesn't have to end. There's a honeymoon stage, of course, and that can come in the beginning, later on, and even more than once. The thing is it doesn't last, the honeymoon stage that is. Love in itself can and will last as long as you tend to it.

Love requires time, trust, and prioritizing. Everything requires time to build. A relationship will have different colors and sometimes the blending won't be perfect, but it isn't about making the square fit the circle... You have to allow it to develop. So many people leave after the honeymoon stage ends. There's complacency, then there's irrational complacency. You see so many people think that love has to be that exciting feeling. It isn't always. They either become complacent in a bad situation or become complacent in not committing.

Both seem sad to me. I wouldn't want to be with someone I don't love, and I wouldn't want to be stuck in a honeymoon trance.

Love has so many layers. It becomes better after the honeymoon stage, so I'd hate to only know that.
I mean love becomes familiarity. Love becomes the calm after the storm while being the crashing waves on the shore. Love is missing someone and coming home to them, because you want to tell them about your day. Love is sometimes needing space to miss each other. Love is wanting to share heaven and hell with someone. Love is everything and nothing. Love is a bond. Love is a choice. Love is wonderful and hurtful, but it's worth it...

Basically, love requires time to grow into more than infatuation and hormones. It requires trust to show every color on the palette. You need to trust the other person to not leave even when they're tempted with something new... because that does happen. New isn't always better, at least in the long run. People find excitement in the first experiences, though, but that's not a way to live.

You can only do so many firsts before that isn't enough. Why give up a tree for a cut flower? A tree has roots that will outlive a flower you can't plant like the tree.

Not everyone will accept your faults and care for you, but the ones who do love you. I mean think about it... It's scary knowing you won't have another first kiss or first date with someone... things like that, but there's someone out there for everyone that you wouldn't mind giving up that for.

Prioritizing your relationship is also important. The things that once were number one become second, third, or they might not even matter anymore. You aren't giving up who you are... that's not what you want. You do change, though, on your own and together. You're still two individuals, but you're together now. You just have to prioritize your love... like I said, effort. You put in the same effort if not more.

Blending colors aren't always pretty at first. Sometimes you need to use your fingers to pay extra attention to the spots that look blotchy.

I don't know. Maybe all of this is a rambling mess. Maybe I have a point. I don't know what to say. I'm writing this in a car, because I can't sleep just yet.

I guess you could say companionship is on my mind, but it's not even that. I don't want just a companion. I want someone I love until the end. I want to build a life with someone I love in more ways than one... I don't mind the work, but it's just a waiting game now. I guess forty years from now we'll know how it ends, right?


We'll see. I can't read minds or hearts. I just know what's inside mine for now and believe the rest.

Xx

Love Kinda Sucks But Not Really

Falling for someone is the scariest thing. Some people are scared of spiders, but they don't know the real danger lies in love. Spiders bite and lay eggs in your ear without your permission... But love asks for your permission to tear you apart. It lets your walls fall while bringing in a joy you can’t summarize with measly words. It builds you up and adds a substance you’ve never known just to remind you that you existed without it. It’ll build you up so beautifully before it pulls the rug from under your feet, and you’ll fall down the ancient hole of foolishness.

There's nothing scarier than a kind foe. There's nothing scarier than feeling yourself slip through sheets you used to feel warmth from.

It's a shattering that echoes in the walls of this world, the moment the first foot enters the car. It's in the moment that your feet get in the car before your heart can catch up... That's when it all hits you. That's when it's ended before it even had the opportunity to start. Keys fumbled so carelessly that you can't turn on the ignition fast enough, and you feel your heart scream that he'll stop you, right...? Your sleeve can’t possibly catch all the tears falling from your eyes; what a foolish little heart you have there. Shaking hands and trembling hearts can’t make things right, though. It's no use. Your feet can't accelerate fast enough, and the tears are making the colors blend. Everything starts to look like melting watercolors, but you can't ignore the fireworks his smile still brings. 

Logic wins one over your heart, though. The gas pedal responds to the only thing that can move, and that's your feet; fear has a way of screaming the loudest in times like these.

The road feels like it won't ever end... Then you see his face. This time it isn't you're heart breaking, and that's a sight you won't be able to erase. You can’t help but feel the tingling of his scruff on your neck. You can’t help feel the trail of kisses he left on your head all those times he wrestled with your lion mane. The first kiss flashes through your eyes, and you know you have to shake the memory before you drive off the road.

With every mile you race away, another memory floods your conscious, and you can’t help but press that gas pedal a little more. Suffocating wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Seeing his face drop, as your feet push down on the gas pedal... when your heart is screaming for you to stop, is the moment you see his soul crumble, and you can’t forget that day.

Love isn't easy. I don't even know if I know what love is. Is it a figment of our imagination? Is love just another social construct created to tether us down? 

I don't know. Someone told me what true love was, and it wasn’t an answer I expected. It wasn’t the guarantee I wanted, but it was what I needed. 

I realized that I love him more than anything, and it’s my choice. I just don’t know if I’m his…

I just know that my heart races, nowadays.

At first, it didn't make sense. It was messy and hard. Everyone was telling me to run, but I only ran back to him; I knew something they didn’t about the way his eyes shined so bright. 

We look back, now, wondering when it really started. I can't believe it was from the first day that I made a space for him. It was then, wasn’t it? I just can't let myself give this that power. Has he been driving me insane since then? 

I don’t know, again, I don’t know.

We're driving down the 91, and he sees me panic, suddenly. He's confused as to how I could possibly need reassurance after what's just happened, but he hears my plea for reassurance. He lets me have it, and it doesn’t drive him away. He smiles and holds my hand giving me what I need at that point in time. I can’t help but wonder when this will end and when I’ll have to drive away with watercolors in my eyes, again. That’s the truth, right? Forever is only until it ends… unless we truly don’t want it to end. It only takes one person wanting it to end, though…

Being apart is so hard and nice, because we’re apart… but we’re apart together. The line of communication never ends, and even when it’s silent it’s there. I’m comfortable in silence with him. I don’t feel the need to fill the silence. I know I lived without him, but I don’t want to think about the day I’ll have to leave him.

We probably make sense in only the most insane ways… We went from nothing to something. The beginning was rough, and I cried; there’s no denying that. We didn't make sense; we just didn’t... it was too good. There was too much. I was sure he was playing a game, but I didn't seem to be able to walk away. He was a fuck boy, for lack of better words, right? 

I couldn't change him. I was beyond myself seeing something everyone told me was an act. That's it... That drew me in; the challenge was what pulled me in... It had to be, but I knew it wasn’t that. He wasn’t a challenge. He wasn’t a real fuck boy. He wasn’t anything but what I knew him to be… I knew what people said was with good intentions, but they didn’t know us. There was no way anything could be, though, and I wasn't going to simply be another checkmark on a list. That was supposed to be it.

He made my eyes heavy, and my heart felt like stones pulling me down down down. I was at the bottom of a lake with the stones of events from days past... Reminding me I should run. It wasn’t the end, though. One last call made me realize I was going to wake up and still feel for this person on the other line. I was scared but not of him. I wanted to make sure he was okay, and I knew I was losing it then.

Words filled my ears. Was I going to run, now?

I didn't. I heard it all. I felt it all. I took none of it.

The answer was simple; I'd take out stone by stone and give us a chance. All I had to lose was my heart, and my heart screamed to let him play his cards. If I were going to walk into a dragon’s den, it’d be his. If I were willing to put my heart on someone’s chopping block, it’d be his. 

The pull wasn't something my logic could fight off. My feelings for him are electric. I have my fears, though. Don’t we all?

I’m scared he’ll wake up one day wondering why he wasted his time. I’m scared of losing him. Isn’t that absolutely selfish? I’m scared that I’m not enough. I’m scared but not of him. I’m scared of ruining something so valuable to my heart.

I lost myself in his kisses and touches. Maybe I lost him in between clouded judgment. Everything feels so right with him, but we’re racing against time. The feelings are so strong right now, and it scares me to think about the crash. 

His kisses are fueled with passion and tenderness. He carries his heart tucked tightly under his sleeve; it’s accessible enough but easily hidden. I see him interact with people, and it melts my heart. He looks at them with an individual attention that pulled me in, probably since day one. I fall for his eyes every time. He doesn’t just smile with his mouth; his eyes smile, too. His laugh makes me smile. His silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable. His thoughtful words and questions cause a stir in my train of thoughts. We feel like the right fit, but is that because I want him to be?

Someone very wise told me what I needed to hear.

Love is a choice. Being in love is fleeting. It’s passion and it feels good in the moment, but loving someone is a commitment. It’s work, and it’s a choice you make everyday. Life isn’t built on being in love, but as to the feeling, love begins as a compromise; it’s an understanding. Falling in love is gradual. You know a person, you live your life with them and one day you just sort of wake up and realize this is it. 

There is no guarantee. We weren’t cut from the same tree. We have no sign. I couldn’t even tell you if we were in love in a past life. 

I can say that there’s a spark with this one that’s just the right kind of different. It isn’t easy, and I have my doubts seeping through my fears. I just know I want to be with him. I want to be with him on the shitty days and see them through to the great days, because great days with him make me feel like I can fly.

I want the best for him, but I will always be the best me for myself and then him. I won’t lose myself in him, because that’s not what I want. I want to be by his side supporting each other. I want to grow with this person. I want to choose him daily. I want these things, and I don’t know how I found myself in this position.

I don’t know when I started craving his kisses. I don’t know when red lights started to feel boring, because we weren’t sharing silly pecks. 

I can’t say I know why he would pick me, but I hope he continues to. I hope we don’t become memories to each other. 

Love is gradual… it grows and gets better. It doesn’t get easier, but it gets stronger. It’s a partnership that can shake you to your core, but nothing good comes easy. 

I’m just here feeling foolish. Somehow I’ve allowed him to calm my nerves. He has a way of soothing me, but I’d be lying if I said this isn’t confusing. 

He makes me shake. I let myself lose control with him, and I don’t think all the time. It just feels right. It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling for this person. He’s this awkward mess at times, but he’s genuine. He has a heart that no one could compare to. He’s brilliant, really. 

Being with him I find myself in a whirlpool of passion and temptation. I’m wrestling my feelings for him and what I should do. I want to do right by him the way he wants to do right by me. We’re blind. We’re going into this completely blind not knowing how this works. I think we forget that it doesn’t have to end as long as it’s what we want. I want to take my time with him, but I also can’t get enough. He knows how to play with my buttons, and it makes me dizzy.

His fears are my fears. I’m so in this, and it’s so new. It’s too early, and I’m wondering if I’ve fucked this up. Has this truly turned into the danger that outweighs the spider, or am I wrong? Because the further I go into this with him I realize that love is hard and scary… It can hurt, but it’s also beautiful. It doesn’t have to be destructive. Every day good or bad is another day with him, and it feels like we’re more than a time stamp…

Love is seasonal; it’s hyper. It has its ups and downs that make you mad, but it’s superficial. Over the course of your lifetime you fall in love a million times. If you’re lucky, it’s with the same person.

I have somebody I’ve been falling with continuously. I have no guarantees. I don’t know what the future holds for us next week, month, year, decade… tonight, even, but I know I want to put us in the picture for time to come.

I just can’t think of another person who I want to be this way with, and it’s scary. There will always be someone better. The limit does not exist. We can all find someone better or worse… but it comes down to the choice. It comes down to whom I choose, and I would choose him time and time again.

I could fill up the room with these things I been thinking about [him].

It's true.

It's as if the moment he took my hand I was ready to hold on and run with him anywhere and everywhere. His voice has become my favorite sound.

Now tell me that isn’t scarier than a spider?