Maintaining A Voice

Being a couple doesn't mean you mold into one jumbo human.

Even if you're a couple, you are still two separate people.

This post isn't meant to rip apart relationships, though. I mean I'm in one. I guess I've just learned a few things lately. It's not anything new, but it's been applied...

It's easy to give your all to someone you love, you know. I mean it isn't always easy, but it comes naturally. What I'm saying is that sometimes we find ourselves spiraling in a string of actions that feel strange to us... We give someone something we may not have known we could or were willing to... but it happens. What now? 

Stay calm. It's not the red flag to your relationship unless it is.

Don't worry... in this case it's a happy ending. 

So suddenly you're exposing yourself--your darkness--to someone in a way that's painful but somehow easy... You give someone more than you ever were willing to, and that's okay. You do that out of love, but the important part is to look at yourself during that process.

Look at yourself and question if you've lost your voice or if this is a transitional point in life where you share this and give this much to this person out of love...

I can sit here and tell you that it's been rocky lately. I've been tested in ways that I didn't think I would be, but I've come out of it all stronger.

At one point I sat in my rental and cried. I cried about everything. I cried about an event not knowing then I was crying about my situation. I felt myself get rocked, and I questioned it all. I recently also saw someone dear get rocked and question a lot as well...

Anyways, I questioned my voice. I'm glad to say that I can look at my relationship and know that I have a voice. I can get scared, but I'm not silenced. He's always willing to listen and, more importantly, attack the problem with the right solution.

That's important, because I know I can communicate with my significant other. I haven't given up who I am to please this person. I've grown with them, and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

I look at it and feel lifted... I can't wrap my head around the fact that I've built little routines with someone, either. 

Not in this way that unless you're a part of you might not understand the peace coming from the act itself.

Anyone could look at it as ridiculous. You talk on the phone not accomplishing anything? 

That's not the case. It's a nice routine. Our relationship has incorparated itself into a day from sunrise to sundown and everything else. He does his thing walking around all cutely, because he doesn't want to make noise at home. I tend to split my attention and soak in the comfort of hearing his voice, about his day, telling him how this and that happened. His excitement with his work day is always welcomed.

You text that much?

I can't imagine not wanting to communicate with him. The past few days we've been shorter with each other, and it's made me appreciate his little messages more. I smile at his updates. My heart swells at his love infused texts. I know he can't always be at my beckoning, and we acknowledge the honeymoon phase ending, but it hasn't taken the love with it. I still send him rambly texts, and he still loves them.

You keep his voicemails?

They're stories. I don't keep them all, but the ones that show me something have stuck around. It's the messages with the almost palpable desperation to communicate with me on some level that make me dizzy in a sweet way. It's the way I hear his frustration... I can tell you what happened that day. I hear the way we've grown separately and together in his messages.

I can go on... but the point is that despite of how ridiculously in love you may all see me act... there's a voice there. I'm still Laura. He's someone who scares me in the same way that he can ease me, but I know he wouldn't abuse it. He wouldn't abuse how rocking this love is and the lengths I would go for him. He wouldn't abuse the voice he has and I listen to just as I wouldn't abuse my voice or how he listens to me.

I'm able to let him open doors within me that I've held shut for years. 

Basically, he's in this process of turning me inside out. He's seen the ugly inside and the process of it...

Even then... we're a couple. He loves me with him and on my own. He's not clipping my wings or transforming me into someone unknown. That's important. I'm comfortable and HAPPY with him, and I don't feel silenced or ignored. Sometimes I say too much and probably pain him, but I don't ever feel the need to lighten the load. Is that bad? Not if you know what I mean. I'm honest with him and tell him what he needs to hear even if it isn't what he wants to hear. I think of his well being before his want to hear me. 

I don't find myself adjusting my words or truth... He's not someone I feel I have to be different for to be loved by... if THAT makes sense.

My words aren't meant to cut him, but they are meant for him and his wellbeing. 

I love him in an unconditional way. It's a forgiving love. It's patient. It's timeless. It's growing. It's flexible. 

It's afraid, sometimes, and even jumps to conclusions but takes the risk to communicate and ease the wrinkles along the way.

It's domestic in the way that I find peace just laying beside him... His presence alone is enough. 

Having met him has changed my life, and I don't want him to ever forget it...

But I would never lose my identity to him, and that's important for anyone. 

The person you love should not take your identity away

You shouldn't try to take someone's identity

It's that simple...

You're probably wondering how any of this correlates with having a voice or anything really. It does, though. I promise.

Being in a relationship requires compromise, and sometimes one party compromises more... it happens. There will be times that happens, and it needs to be done for the right reasons. You're the judge of that bit, though...

That's why you need to have a voice. You can't melt into one. It's good to be an unbreakable force, but you need your individuality. A person has two separate legs that work together. They don't mold into one... They stay two separate legs but become a great pair. lol

You need to come out and communicate to maintain a relationship. I've always been a strong believer that in order to fully be in a healthy relationship, you need to fully embrace yourself first.

Maintaining a voice is maintaining individuality. You can't be an individual if you haven't allowed yourself that pleasure. 

My advice is to enjoy single life. There's no rush to fall in love or have someone. What for? They won't add to your value. A MAN/WOMAN does NOT... I repeat does NOT give you value. YOU are valuable. YOU matter. YOU on your OWN are already important.

Don't look to life as lacking when you're on your own. Enjoy yourself. Embrace yourself. Never look to yourself as requiring a faceless individual to be whole.

You will meet someone and it could be amazing, but it will fall apart if you can't be yourself. Being in a relationship is level 2 of being single--single life is level 1. You learn things in level 1 that are required for level 2.

In other words, being single will give you a voice and teach you what you'll need to know to maintain it.

Don't sacrifice who you are for anyone. Growth in a relationship is very different from sacrificing yourself. Know the difference.

Loving someone is never wanting to silence them.

Xx

Let Me Hold You Now Until Forever

Letting go isn't for us. I wouldn't dream of it. I wouldn't want him to even consider letting me slip from his finger tips...

I know he deserves the best... so I'll give him that and strive to always be the best me not just for me.. but for him... for us.

I'll trust that he'll see the best in me even when I stumble and fall off. I'll trust that he'll always love me the way he does now if not more...

Look, I love him so much I'm crying. Maybe I'm just a bit emotional... but really now.

Sitting here and missing his presence is hard at times. It's hard when I allow myself to feel his absence. It's easy when I remember that he's out there giving it his all.

I cry with a smile on my face thinking of him. I can see his smile if I close my eyes...

I feel his love even as I sit here, and he's miles away

Oh gosh...

I think of all that he's given me and how no one could possibly understand. I scoff at anyone who throws digs at our love. They really are ignorant, and I have no time for anyone who doesn't understand.

They don't need to. This is ours, not theirs.

I don't need to surround us with any negativity or mocking, because I hope it's a given by now... I want us as a package now until the last...

I want to fill my phone with pictures of him the same way he's already been splattered across my life. I swear he's not ready for that. A year from now he's going to go through my phone and wonder when that happened, but it will happen... and I can't wait. I can't wait to have pictures of us in my room if only to look at until I see him again.


I want to insert him into every corner of my life in the way his touch has sent electric shocks through my senses...

I can't explain it, but it's everything...

I crave his hand at the small of my back. I crave his hands holding my head with his soft lips on mine. I crave the way he kisses my forehead, neck, cheeks, all of me... I just crave it all... the peppering of kisses that make my toes curl. I crave the frustration and focus on his face that brings me to giggles. I even crave his little snores at night.

I crave the way he so easily and peacefully falls asleep on me.

I crave the way he looks at me.

I don't know why it makes me cry, but I guess it's just so much...

Have you ever been so happy with someone that it brings you to tears? No? Yes?
Well I am.

I haven't even told you about how much I love being in the car with him. I've always loved drives. There's something so relaxing about them, but drives with him are better. My mind is clear, and it's like a new dimension with just us. We kiss at lights. He holds my leg or hand. He looks at me in a way that makes my toes curl and my insides jump. His smile makes me believe that this love is bigger than any of us could ever come to terms with. Any worries I may have had or annoyances in my day are washed away in the car with him... I guess part of it is knowing that I'd go anywhere with him. At the end of day he's the constant. He's what I want to be my constant. He's what I want and who I love. At the end of every day, he's the only thing that matters to me.

All that he is is all that I'll ever need. Everything that he is is amazing, and I see him growing each day.

Suddenly sleeping with his touch is what I crave all night, even as my eyes flutter shut.

I want to run my fingers along his lips, jaw, nose, collar bone... I want to know every line of him. I never want to let go. I want him to hold me against the gust of wind that will try to make us fall.

I want to leave the trail of our memories everywhere...

It's crazy to think we didn't start this race together, but I want him to be the last one standing with me. He's the one I want to turn to in the dark and in the brightest of days...

Every bit of his being calls to me, and I've never wanted to hold anyone closer than him... Every line of communication with him is something I cherish to a completely different extent. The calls, the texts, the voice mails, the tiny notes, the emails... The whispers at 2 in the morning... where I hope he's not asleep and just telling me what his heart yearns to scream... All of that is everything that makes my heart skip a beat.

He's not this perfect prince charming that could do no wrong. Don't get me wrong... He's basically not constructed. To me, though, he's perfect. He's perfect in the sense that he's for me. He's human, He's raw. He's carefully carried his heart on the sleeve his tucked away so defensively... He's made his share of mistakes and is still learning, but he loves me with an intensity that no one else could fathom... He makes me a better version of the girl I've been...

People around me have no idea of what this man is truly capable of when it comes to loving me or even to just being himself... but it feels like the two have intertwined, now, into the same man. I hope they accept that he's engraved in my heart in that same way, because I want him to be the last one standing. I want to push him to be the best he can be. I want to be there for the falls with my hands to pull him up, I want to be there for the laughs and the tears... I want to be there for all of it.

I want him to be the one holding me when I choke on sobs. I want him to be the one telling me ridiculous jokes that make me laugh.

I want him to be the one I tell about my day with friends and tell my fears to. I want him to be the father of my kids, someday.

It's scary to know someone has you completely, but it isn't in the sense that I trust him. I'm in love with him, and I would never let him go...

He gives me too much credit for who he is now... And I can't tell you or anyone whether it's true. Only he knows what I mean to him. Only he knows how I've changed anything... if I have. I can tell you how loving him feels like I can finally breathe. I can tell you how he's made me better. I can speak for myself, but I can't speak for him. Even then, I can tell you (without details) that it is in fact the same for him. He's convinced he loves me more, but I've never been more sure of anything.

He loves me and my embarrassing moments, though. I'll give him that.

Still, I wonder what goes on in his head and heart. I wonder if I understand the impact I've made on him, because I don't know if he knows what he's done to me...

All in all, we're great for each other. Like I said, I'm in love with this man, and I hope he's brave enough to stick out a life time with me. There's nothing I'd love more...