Girls, BYE

So, if you haven't watched the series finale of Girls, you should. You should also probably pause and not read on, because there are spoilers to come.

A lot of people are having trouble "latching" onto the end of it all.

LOL cmon that was KINDA funny!

Let this be a classic! Oh, what are we gonna do without this unfiltered Hannah Banana?

Sooo... before I even watched the finale, I saw this quote. It really made me think about why I love Shosh so much beyond the motor mouth quality...

“We’ve all often referred to her as the moral compass of this show, and I think this season everybody is really trying to falter-step less than they have in previous years. We don’t tie everything up in a bow, but I think you find some satisfaction with all of these girls at least starting on to the proper path they haven’t been on previously.  I think  she is sort of the farthest along on that path, and that is – to me – quite victorious for her. She’s taken some of the bolder steps, but also fallen the hardest in some ways, so I’m excited for everyone to see the growth that she has this season.” – Zosia Mamet, “Shoshanna”

Anyways, lets start with what happened... We all need that moment to summarize the end of the voice of our generation... or a voice of a generation. Isn't that what this show was?

Okay, lets break it down... (especially for those who aren't caught up)

Hannah and Adam try it out again as in they try to get back together... cause Adam stalks Hannah and tries to say he'll raise her baby with her.

Then reality sets in... aka they remember that their history isn't all unicorn fraps.

So what happens? The only other logical thing, apparently. Is it logical, I don't know, but it is ironic. Remember this scene *ahem season 1 ahem with Hannah*

So yeah

Jessa and Adam end up together or SOMETHING...

Elijah gets cast in a musical, and we're all getting feels of what Glee SHOULD have and could have been.

Shosh is engaged to a hottie Asian (me too, girl... I always knew you knew what was up).

Marnie grows up after she finds out her diamond earrings were fake and everything she ever knew was a lie... and ends up masturbating on video cam (don't feel ashamed cause hey you go, girl)... and well Hannah has a baby.

I bet she wishes she had masturbated instead at least at ONE point.

That's right... Remember this surfer DJ dude with a girlfriend? He puts the seed in Hannah Banana.

Hannah legit has a baby and ends up giving up her pants to a spoiled little brat that shows Hannah the light.

Basically, the finale was perfect. It didn't tie up every storyline in a bow how we're all used to a lot of shows doing, but it was what a show like Girls deserved. It needed that unapologetically unfiltered ending that made no sense to so many people, because it wasn't meant to make the viewers happy... it was meant to do the story justice... to give it the most authentic ending it could.

The story started with Marnie and Hannah and was meant to end the same... it was Marnie and Hannah trying to figure it out all over again.

Overall, it felt real. We all had that Shosh moment at some point where we realize that the friends we have had are no longer our friends. The memories aren't changed, but the future just simply doesn't include the people we thought it would.

We all grow. We all change... and we're all just trying to do our best.

Now, we've all identified as one of the girls, but what this finale and season as a whole taught me was that we're all a little like them all. I've never felt myself closer to a group of characters like these girls. I have that naive nature of Marnie and that yearning to make a mark that Hannah has... I have that fighter spirit that's embedded in Jessa's bones and that motor mouth that's a staple of Shosh... All in all I was happy with the way it all played out.

As I was saying the finale was suitable for this show. It really cut us off on that last episode and felt real for that. The second episode to the last was the last time we saw all four girls together with their individual styles clashing just as much as they ever had, but they were screaming their clear unsuitableness for each other...

In real life, when we split ways with people, whether it's on good terms or not... that's it. We're suddenly at a crossroads between the now and future. We no longer see how everyone else's lives progress. We're faced with that challenge that is our lives, and we struggle (as Hannah is no stranger to). Then, we woman up and grow. We keep fighting... we're faced with that half naked girl crying about nothing and realize how we've all been that girl and get that moment to almost talk to that old us (in a new person) in hopes that we can help them.

It's crazy to think that the show that at one point was seen as a feminist awakening has ended. I've gone back and forth between feeling it was an unflinching and even ugly view into the relationships of young women and an intelligent and funny look of girls in their twenties. Sometimes it felt unreal and disconnected, but I guess life feels that way at times, too. Either way, it can't be denied that this show is a voice of a generation that will never be silenced...

Shoshanna will forever be my favorite, though, and I can't possibly end this post without some Shosh moments.

Fireworks

So I look in your direction with lights flashing and dancing in your eyes… The eyes I yearn to look at when I’m alone at night or in a crowd with faces that aren’t yours.

Yeah, I’ve always been waiting for you. Do you see me? Do you hear me?

Do I need to make it louder and clearer? You’re something beyond my years. I couldn’t start to explain what this is with you.

You’re someone I’d paint a million sunsets for. I’d drive hundreds of miles to see you.

Nothing could be better than the moments I’ve shared with you… My stomach drops thinking… just thinking…

I laugh at your lame jokes and feel my heart flutter at the sweet melody of your voice.

The alcohol coursing through your veins that I taste on your lips seems to have given you a little something new… Now you’re singing. You’ve only done this once before. I don’t think you remember serenading me that day, but this is better with your shy little gleam…

I can’t help the blood rising on my cheeks. I can’t help the way my heart does a backflip with every little lyric you sing in my ear. Paradise is when I’m with you…

I feel fear clutch my heart as an attempt to hold onto some sort of control, but it’s as if your love has become a repellent to that need… There’s no need for that control anymore.

Not with you.

How crazy am I at this point? Insane? Maybe? In love? Definitely.

I’m looking at fireworks in awe of their beauty, but the real firecracker is beside me. I can’t look away from you as hard as I could try to… The one I look to in awe of his humanity… That’s you. You’re more than what meets the eye. Your surface is beautiful but nothing compared to the core.

Every firework above us goes off with power… yet they’re fleeting. They come and go followed by more… No two are the same. They’re all beautiful, nonetheless. See, I’m not afraid of time, because I know we aren’t a single firework. We’re a show of lights without intention of ending a moment sooner than intended.

See… No two of our memories are the same. Yet, they go on and off like the fireworks above us. They’re followed by more each time, and they’re all beautiful. They aren’t permanent, but their length doesn’t diminish their existence. I guess that’s a thing… I know memories are moments in time. Their existence and importance, however, is still real and held dear. I hold them dear the same way I still see the patterns and lights going off behind closed eyes. What has passed isn’t erased. I revisit us in ways I couldn’t start to explain.

I promise you this. I’m sensitive. I cry. I fear.

I’ll be scared of losing you… But so be it. Sometimes I’ll hide. Sometimes I’ll be weak and need you to fall on, and I know you won’t run unless it’s to my side. I hope you’ll catch me when I stumble. I guess I just have that confidence in what we have.

I just never meant to be trouble. I hope you know that.

I’ll never let my fears stop me from enjoying the fireworks, though. I look at you, and I see a light show nothing could ever compare to. I have the best view, and I’d never give that up. I hope you know that, too.

I want to be good to you. I want to show you sparks I never imagined I’d ever show anyone.

Maybe you’ll understand me a little more somehow or know if you could possibly still see the sparks I see day in and day out in a lifetime that paints you by my side.

If you want that, anyways.

White Sheets

I crave the feeling of his skin on mine, and his pulse synchronizing with my own.

I crave the snaking of his arms around me instinctively and subconsciously pulling me the ever slightest closer to him while he still resides in dreamland.

I crave the softness of his lips on my shoulders and neck; the way he peppers me with kisses until they slow down, and his eyes start to flutter shut.

I crave the feeling of our limbs tangling up with each other and the way our legs find their rightful place in time…

Any other type of sleeping is a waste of time, now that I’ve found myself only wanting this with him. He makes me feel like I’m sharing secrets with another world, one only we can access.

I can’t get enough of his smell mixing with my own.

I smell him on me for hours and find my heart swelling and growing dizzy with every passing second.

I want the white sheets with him and sweet melodies of his whispers becoming steady breathing.

I want the slight breeze of the open window and pesky rays of light that try to tear us from the sweetness of this sanctuary we’ve come to treasure so much.

I want to roll him over and watch him smile as I lightly kiss his nose.

I want to be a mess of sheets with him and always feel that little tightened grip he has on my hips the moment I kiss him.

I want the countless mornings filled with his smiles and my blushing face hiding under the white sheets and his chest.

I want him and everything that comes with the white sheets, whether it’s at night, morning, or during the day. I want the package of him and I with the white sheets we’ll get tangled in from here on out. 

A Letter to... My Brother

I’ve held onto that for years. So many people have turned it into a trend to plaster everywhere, but it’s something I carry at the back of my head.

I clung to you and Ana. I idolized you two and adored you, but it was a lot more with you. You’d be washing the paint out of my hair that I got there with my attempt to become Picasso. You had to multitask, so you’d be memorizing Hamlet. That’s how I learned the monologue at six. My teacher thought I was a genius. It really took one time, and I was reciting it everywhere. What a weirdo, right? Lol I just wanted to do everything you did. I wanted to be as cool as you. I wanted to be as kind as you. I wanted recognition from you. I wanted your love.

I flourished in your hugs and encouraging words. You always made me feel like I had no limitations. Being a girl meant nothing in the world you created for me, because if anything I was stronger for it, according to you.

You’d tell me to always remember, though, what you had taught me.

Veni

Vidi

Vici

Because I would do just that, you’d tell me, and you’d be there to watch it all happen. Nothing would stop me… I was meant to do great things; you'd always tell me. I would make a change, and you’d be there loving me not only at my highs but lows as well. You never told me it would be easy... You reminded me it'd be hard and hurt me to the core, but it would be worth it. Nothing good comes easy, after all.

I knew your love before anyone else’s. I wasn’t old enough to understand the love my grandparents held for me until I was older and looked back. With you, it was obvious, though. I never had to look back and realize you loved me. I knew it all the way through.

You’re blunt and make me cry, but I wouldn’t disobey you. I respect you in a way that no one could understand. I trust you in every sense of the word. I think I even trusted you when I felt you had abandoned me.

When you moved out, I felt the rug being pulled under me… I know now you weren’t leaving me, though. I was a little girl and just felt the only person I could hug and be held by leave. No one would paint my toenails red again. No one would sit at the end of my bed with a stuffed elephant while I had a fever again…

It felt terrible. I didn’t see you for two years. Then you came back and pulled me up from under the surface. It was never your job to be a parent, but you were that and more, to me. You were my dad, my mom, brother, best friend, parachute…. Everything.

Asking you for boy advice is quite something, but I know you’ll tell me what it is versus what I’d like to hear. You hate when I cry and tell me to stop, but it never stops you from saying what you think. It’s all straight forward with you.

You’re the guy that I’d introduce to a guy formally if he were someone I wanted to marry. It’s hard to explain, but you just know me in a way that you can see things so clearly. You’re the first in the family who gets to meet the guy, because you’re the one that matters to me in that sense… the opinion. It’s like passing the baton. Everyone else just comes with the flow later on. I wouldn’t need to build up to you. That’s how you know…

Anyways, you’ve taught me to stand up on my own. You’ve always seen potential in me and have gone to all of my parent teach conferences. You’ve taken my contacts off while I’ve slept. You’ve carried me out of cars and put me in bed. You’ve pulled me from ledges and untied me from knots I shouldn’t have made. You’ve made the tough decisions when no one else came forward… There was no hesitation on your part… ever. You’d drop the world to save me, and I’d do the same for you.

It’s like we aren’t supposed to make sense that way. You’re a fire sign where I’m water. You’re supposed to burn through me, and I’m supposed to try to put you out. Yet, eleven years apart… and we couldn’t be more similar.

You’ve helped shape who I am. I walk into a room and command eyes on me… it isn’t something I realized until recently. You’re an introvert, but you know how to be an extrovert. That’s why you’ve always nourished me. I was the odd one out in a family of introverts. You’ve given me qualities I cherish from an introvert, and I’ve given you qualities of an extrovert to succeed even more.

It was never a competition… but you always tell me to be better than you. I love that. I love that your goal is to make sure I surpass you. That’s how I know you’ll be a great dad, one day. You’ve jumped through rings of fire to make sure I didn’t fall. You always push me when I need it and never let me forget to dream.

Thank you for everything. Thank you for putting up with me on days I was a complete nightmare. Thank you for being strong for everyone. Thank you for making sure I knew you loved me. Thank you for showing me and telling me you love me. Thank you for all the elephants. Thank you for rushing home with every frantic call from my mom. Thank you for holding me down when I fought you to let me go. Thank you for never letting me drown in the world. Thank you for inspiring me and never letting me leave school to do music. I love music so much, but you know me. You know the endgame, and you’ve never let me forget what shines isn’t always gold.

You’re the reason I am an embodiment of it all. Everywhere I go, I get what I want. It’s because of the foundation you’ve given me. I come, I see, I conquer.

So thank you for making sure I cut the silk threads my demons tied around me and learned to swim with them beside me. I’m a better stronger person, and I owe it to you. I love you, and I hope you never doubt that.

I know your core, so everything else is trivial. It doesn’t matter who you love or what you do. You could be bald or insanely tall… None of it would change the amount of love I have for you. I would walk through fire for you. It’s not a matter of blood, and I hope you recognize that. I know you know that I love with everything, and I love you… so know that there isn’t anything I wouldn’t do.

Here’s to the many many years we have coming. It’s my time to show you that all of your energy and love wasn’t in vain. The walk up those stairs isn't going to be easy, but you taught me to not give up. I'm ready to run up those stairs. I'll show you. I'll show myself. I've always watched you. Now, you get to watch me.

Xx

Go

There's a fire that erupts in your gut. There's a burning sensation running up your legs spreading through your limbs as your running up those steps to cross that barrier of reality and bliss.

Your limbs are attached to the bass, and you move like an array of strings. The fire spreads to your fingertips, and you feel yourself become enveloped with wings only you can experience. Suddenly it's like a flight you could never recreate that happens in front of everyone else... You feel alive. It's like you can fly. People look at you like you're something special. They just don't know the power of passion. They think you’re a young God… you’re really not. You're just limitless.

The cage you've built for yourself is torn open. You're running, and the blood in your veins ignites under all eyes. You know you will be better, so you lose yourself up there. Nothing else matters.

These people don't know you, but they connect with you. The power of a voice moves people. You say what they don't want to say, and you're suddenly jumping around kicking air. Back bends don’t hurt you and bruises can’t even phase you, besides you can't control your body like a regular person can, not on stage… nothing hurts up there. The movements are natural, though; they're an extension of the voice. You're limitless.

Beautifully paralyzed by the voices in your head that are only of you singing what you never dared to say.

It's crazy. You're crazy... but you're under your own spell.

You're limitless...

Then the spell breaks, and you're faced with reality. It makes you stronger. The passion in your bones can't be wiped away like the tears falling.

You're a wild flower and the gold is in your bones. You can't stop now.

You're unstoppable.

Driving

There's something thrilling about only being able to see up to your headlights. There's a freedom in the chills that run up your spine as you accelerate down the open road with only the moon as your witness.

Not another car in sight.
The trees and buildings have long disappeared.

Now, it's just the open road.

It feels like traveling through space and time. My mind clears... it empties so beautifully. I'm able to reinstate whatever sanity I felt slipping from my fingertips. All I want to do is drive.

There's a comfort in solitude on that road, but there's a different and better comfort with someone at your side. There's a moment when your head falls on their shoulder, and your eyes become heavy... Colors become blurs, and you feel the softest of kisses on your forehead. There's no way sleep itself can stop that smile. You know they don't understand what it is about these drives, but they understand it does something for you... There's no question about it. They wouldn't hesitate to have these drives with you.

Nothing can stop you in that bubble. The world is asleep, and all you hear is the engine. You look out the window with thoughts organizing themselves, but you feel fingers reach to tuck in loose strands of hair behind your ear... you can't help but slightly jolt at the unexpected contact. Then you look towards the suspect and know their love. It's in the small touches. It's in the way they glance at you as you sit in silence... drinking in the night. It's bliss.

The softness of their lips on your forehead illuminates the night as all the feelings you were hiding come out at night. All of your worries wash away, and all you can do is fall asleep under their protective eyes.

They answer your questions. They justify your fears.

It's okay to fall asleep. All the energy you hide behind slips away, and you realize you just needed that vulnerability, tonight... that safety in a car and road that only you know.

It's just different from being in the suburbs or city... an open road is different.
It's limitless...

Xx

2 AM Thoughts

I think about the things that mattered to me seven years ago.
I think about how different I am.
I think a lot, I guess.

I think about how I should clean my room soon, and I guess that's symbolic in a way... I'm letting the boxes drop... like the weight of things that don't matter anymore.

I'm excited for what's to come. I'm also still dehydrated.
Whoops

I think about how I want to introduce my boyfriend to my dad.
I just think all the time.

Sometimes I think my mind is great.
Sometimes I know my mind is a cage, and I shouldn't let those bars close me in.

I can't sleep, though, so I'll drive around for awhile.
I'm just thinking about how I didn't imagine this year to play out the way it has been.

Today was a great day, though...

It's nice.

Part of me wants to drive until I find that place where I'd look at the city when I was a little girl.
I want to look out and see how different it is.

I'm excited, though. I am. I feel a little fire growing inside, and I catch glimpses of the girl I've always kept inside under lock. It's easier to guard myself, but I find a dark haired boy with happy eyes making me feel safe outside.

How crazy is that?

Alright. That's that.

Xx