A Letter to... My Mother

This is probably one of the hardest things I'll ever have to put together. It's not a matter of just feelings but sorting out events... revisiting the past. It's about allowing myself to feel it all for you. I've held you up like the stars in the sky, and you'll always be dear to me... but there's so much I've never been allowed to say... It was easier to just put it all aside and hope it'd whither away.

For a long time I held resentment towards you, and it wasn't until I grew up a bit that I learned to let go. In the process of letting go of that pain, I think I lost a vital part of what made me that little girl that fueled my core to be so great.

I find myself regaining vital parts of my core, and I guess it's time I let things out versus try to push them aside with every fiber.

We've never had the best relationship, that's no secret, and I know we won't have the relationship I wish we could. I know that... That's not mine to have with you. I accept that, but it doesn't mean I've stopped wishing we could... We have snapshots in time of moments of what could have been, and I think that's what makes me cry the most. It's not impossible. It's not like you're incapable of it... I hold so much love for you, and it's hard understanding that the connection you have with my siblings isn't one we'll ever truly posses. Our relationship has been constructed in such a way it's almost an experiment. It's controlled. A lot of the success doesn't come from your soul, though. The strings that were attached to you belong to my brother, and I've come to accept that, too.

The funny thing is I've always prided myself on not begging for attention. I've never needed anyone, right?... I'm strong, I make people believe... I'm a one person show. I can make every room my own. I never needed anyone. Wanting and needing are different things... And yet...
I needed you. I never needed anyone, other than you. I wanted you to love me with every fiber of my being. I was quite literally climbing brick walls and falling to empty grounds. You never came to pick me up, though. You never ran to me, and I learned to stand up ready to dust myself off. I learned to never look for you.

I missed you when the lights went out, and I was terrified, but you were never there. It didn't matter if I was in my room or a hospital bed. I only knew the demons in my head knew me more than you ever dared... From the moment I was born, you were sick... or so I was told. Maybe that's why we held that disconnect? I can't place you in memories unless you were plucking the petals from my stem.

Maybe that's why I clung to my brother, because he showed me a love I never felt from you or my dad... Even then... I know I hold him to an unreasonable standard. He's not a young God. He makes mistakes, but I know he at least tried...

I can't see myself in you. I see the traces of you and dad in my siblings, but I'm the odd one out. I'm the one killing you, right?

Everyone was quick to praise me, while you stood with a machete at my roots. I jumped higher trying to impress you, but there were walls of trophies occupying your attention none of which belonged to me. My accomplishments, medals, trophies, anything and everything... were all tossed to the side and eventually gone with the trash, but you held onto anything that came from anyone else.

I had to compete with ghosts of people who meant less than nothing to you in the greater aspect of things, and I found my place with that.

That really hurt, though. That broke me down. I never felt like I could compare. Suddenly I found myself letting the seeds you'd put in my head grow. I was paralyzed by the weeds that would never let me grow. I was the kid you seemed to only hold when eyes were on us.

Prodigy? No, that was never me, and you had a million reasons why. All I wanted was a reason from you of why I could. I learned it would never be enough, though. Where others saw beauty and potential you saw a little girl who wasn't what you wanted... I was never everybody else...

Everyone else just seemed to be greater when measured next to me, at least in your eyes...

You taught me to turn hard and reject the tears that fell from my eyes. I hated myself for too long. I was taken from a cage just to be put into a smaller one each time.

Eventually my body became just another example of that. I was quite literally plagued by every heart twisting memory we had. That was my fuel for so long, and I felt my legs sinking into holes with each step. I stopped caring, and when I saw a spark of something... It wasn't for me. I only saw desperation in your eyes as I slipped from anyone's grasp... because you feared the effect it would have on your relationship with my brother. I realized that, and I knew you'd never change.

We're too far apart, and I know I wasn't what you wished. I was never easy. I was a hurricane. I was too much. You just couldn't run away from me, because of what they would all say. Even then... I know you love me in a way only a mother could. I tell myself this all the time. When you compare me to even my best friend or boyfriend... I tell myself this is just what you know. It's all fueled by love somehow.

My sister and you have always told me I have the worst attitude, and I'm sorry for that. I'm sorry for the times I've given you white hairs and all the times I've jumped off edges without thinking of the impact. I'm sorry I questioned it all and in turn made things hard for you... but I can't seem to apologize for being myself. I can't apologize for the feelings I've always had. I can't apologize for the heartache I had. I can't apologize for the arguing only for the words that were tossed.

You've taught me a lot. You're the reason I like to think I'm as level headed as I am (most of the time). I just learned that I can't control anyone's actions... only my reactions. I can't fight you with pain and anger. I respect you. I love you. I might never understand the logic behind our relationship, but I will always know I love you. You're my mother, and I've seen you cry for your mother. I hope you believe I've shed those tears for you, because I have... I do.

In a way I'm jealous that you have a relationship with your mother the way you do, because it's something that can't be torn even with time and space... Yet ours feels like it hangs on because of the distance.

As I've grown, I see your relationship change with my brother. I see him slowly pulling away in some ways, and I see how easily it is for you to not resume communication. Maybe that's something I get from you... the ease of cutting people out. I hope you don't take this offensively, but I don't want to be that way. I don't want to be like you or dad. I want those traits in certain aspects of my life... Not in my personal life, though.

Professionally, you've given me the skin to survive. I'm too sensitive, but when that skin comes out... I can't be torn apart. I just don't want that to seep into my heart... I won't let it. I won't let my strength be the demise of my heart...

With a heavy heart, I understand that the pictures of me are my brother's doing, but I no longer wish they were because of you... I see the ripped pictures and the strained connections. I see that maybe I'm not the broken one between us both.

I can't tell you that I've stopped wishing we could talk, though. That would be a lie.

The way I talk about us, people think we have this great relationship, but Gauri knows better...


Our relationship is like the house... it's being renovated, but it's still the same house. There's new parts and the important ones are being replaced. They're better, but they weren't the ones that were meant to be when the house was initially made. You see, we're great at the surface, but our relationship has become only that... we're a surface relationship.

Gauri came over that time and found the house empty, but it wasn't. I acted like it didn't bother me, but I felt my throat close. I looked at her as if nothing but leaving was on my mind, but I couldn't get over the stinging that was spreading through my limbs.

I didn't want her to see that it was just a house not a home... because that's how it feels. It feels like you all hide from me and don't want me around. Everyone goes to their corners and hides... Idk

It's hard to explain, huh? It's okay.

I do want to say thank you, though. Thank you for giving me life. Thank you for the laughs we have had, however few. Thank you for the words we've shared lately. Thank you for so many things...

I know this is another moment in time... I know it'll come to a close, but I know we'll have another moment where we hopefully grow close again. I've learned how to be around you, I guess. I'm just not the best at it... I guess. I don't know how to tell you I'm not what you want, and I won't ever bend backwards again. I'm not willing to break myself for you to feel that power over me again. I won't let myself fall into fire in the hopes you'll watch me rise from ashes. I won't hurt myself to give you strength.

I know you're great. I've seen you with kids. It used to feel like you were kind to everyone but me... but that's not true. You're one of the kindest souls. You're a great mother. What we have isn't a fair representation of you... Because I see the greatness in you. There were plenty of times you were there calming my fevers at night... I see the heart that resides inside... So I hope you know I don't hate you. I hope you never look back and wish things had been different. I hope you never feel the pain I felt. I hope you go on with life unaware of the things you never listened to back then.

You wouldn't listen then, and I pray you don't start now. It's too late. It'd only break your heart, so I hope you go on loving the only way you know how. I was never a victim, by the way. You were the victim in all of this. You didn't know different. You don't know another way. You're stuck. I could go on, but I want to explain how I'm anything but the victim. I came out of this like a phoenix. (Guess that nickname Marvin gave me was suiting after all lol) Really, though, I won't ever be crushed by four enclosed walls again. Words are like water. My gasoline is love... it's something no one can break. I'm like a wildfire that can't be put out. You won't ever have to worry about me being the one to fall off, because I know how to get up and crush every obstacle in my way. You never have to worry about me in those ways. Am I strong? Yes. Mommy, you never have to sleep wondering if I can, because I promise you that there isn't a single doubt in me or the world of what I'm capable of.

Sure, this is meant to let it all out, but it's more than that. I want you to know that none of what happened made me damaged goods. I hate that saying, and it's always tossed around in my direction. The phrase itself has such a terrible connotation... know that those chips on my shoulder made way for better. You might see all the things in me that aren't "fit." You taught me that the world is full of critics, and sure there's always room for improvement, but I don't need to prove myself. I'm not my mistakes. I'm not my flaws. I'm more than my shortfalls. Everyone will see a million things that are wrong with me, but I just need to see the goodness in myself.... Mommy, I do. I'm not perfect and do stumble. I don't see anything wrong with needing a little help sometimes. Just know that we're good. Know that I really do love you. I'll always love you, and there's nothing a single soul can do to change that. My love for you is something unbreakable. I love you despite of your shortfalls. I will always love you.

Maybe one day, we'll even have a better connection. I just know that there's a lot of love in your heart and one day my children will be lucky enough to feel that from you in a way I didn't. Now, that is all that I truly want from you. Selfish of me until the end, huh? I just see the way you are, and I know you love me. I know you have so much love inside of you. I know that when the day comes, you'll love my children in a way they could never have seen coming to them, and I'm already thankful for that.

I hope you don't ever take offensively that I want to learn from the mistakes you and Dad made. I want to be a better parent to my children and in turn, like I said, maybe you'll see that and be greater grandparents than you ever thought you could be. And as I said... I won't ever bend backwards again for your approval, but that's for my own good. I'm living my life and hopefully that's enough for you. I hope you look at me and see something you love, because we won't have an unlimited time together. We have to make the best of these years.

Xx