Unplanned.

We're born a ball of life... all of the possibilities floating in space, but I don't think anyone looks at us and can possibly imagine what will come of us... not in the end

You see, I can sit here with a tape that holds my life up until this day, but I don't think that after the first few minutes anyone, myself included, could say I'd be who I am. I think people around us, especially our loved ones, hope for the best... But they can't possibly know what the outcome of the passing days will make of us.

I could probably tell you the moments I remember that made impacts in my life. I could sit here and tell you what people helped shape me. I could sit here and tell you what awoke my hunger to succeed.

I could sit here and tell you everything, and I'd still miss vital details here and there.

It's crazy, though, how these two years have seen me change more than the twenty years before...

I guess a lot of it is polishing.

I mean I like to believe I cultivated a majority of my character or at least the core in my teens. I'm still growing, but it's in different ways. My awareness is sharper. My patience is much more selective. My kindness isn't as naive.... And yet my softness remains.

It's just crazy, like I said.

My layers are evolving, but my core stands still. My dreams change. My challenges shift. Who I am inside doesn't. I only grow, and with growth comes knowledge.

Knowledge is a fickle thing...

I had this amazing professor who probably saw more in me than anyone before him, my parents included... He was fascinated with my journal entries and always seemed to pluck my brain any chance he could. He was very much like a father figure of sorts by the third class of his that I took. I actually spent a whole year after taking his last course writing in a journal and giving it to him once it was done. It was a silly thing, really. He gave me a list of questions and asked if I could answer them. I remember being so sure until the pen touched paper and only trembled without destination. A year later I finally finished and gave him this raggedy old journal. It had it all in there. In the moment, I think I just wanted to be rid of it. I realized a lot of things that year, and I found myself lost in a web of spiders.

I saw him recently to only hear him say what he had said so many years ago, "you're too smart for your own good."

I didn't understand it until he introduced me to my favorite writer. Then, I understood it wasn't just a compliment. It was laced with sadness until recently. I think he, along with too many people, saw me as something special that couldn't last. Everyone besides maybe my brother was probably waiting for the moment I'd implode and change or evaporate.

I think he found the parallels in my words and assumed the worst that way. Sometimes I think people do the same and assume I'm ready to fall apart.

I don't think he understood me truly until he saw me now and saw that the flame was blue, but it was stronger for it. My strength lies in the very place it's threatened. I'm not burdened, and that's something that has always been that way.

There aren't pebbles filling my pockets pulling me into the depths of unknown waters. There's an endless supply of pebbles falling from my hands, building mountains to elevate me out of dark waters.

I guess that's why I'm not afraid of demons. I'm afraid of mundane things like the dark and old wood floors that make me think I'm about to be killed, but I'm not afraid of the demons we all carry beneath our skin, nailed to our bones.

I'm not romanticizing any of it, but I'm simply unafraid to swim with the shadows...

I guess you could say this professor became an important person in my life, to a degree. The truth is... as much as I loved my friends, none of them understood the thunderstorm in my head. He introduced me to pen and paper in a way I had never allowed myself to be acquainted with anything. Everything I had written before had been shared with someone. I spent a year weaving my soul into that journal's spine without a single intent of letting anyone see it. It was a surprise when I found myself walking to the humanities building and into his office.

I felt boulders crumble off my back when I did, and I realized that I would always be my greatest ally and most fearsome obstacle.

No pill or doctor could tell me how to fix myself. No group session would fix every trauma. No chemical could turn me into the societal construct of normality.

I think that was when I finally loved myself. I saw beauty in myself beyond the surface or any appearance standard. I had spent years helping fix everyone and letting myself fall down branches to keep everyone around me sane.

I'm glad I had this time to myself...

I learned what being selfish really meant, and it wasn't something horrid. It was needed and welcomed.

These last two years to the date have been a cleansing period of sorts...

I started to understand what friends were truly the ones who would have my back and who would be the first to drench me in gasoline before they lit the match and blamed me for it.

I can't say I've perfected it, but I've come to let go of many memories and have gotten better at seeing people for how they are to me now.

I spent a good portion of the last two years writing songs on a red couch and in recording rooms letting the voices in my head escape. I've also just spent time on my own for myself and come to my own before letting anyone else step into that door.

I didn't need crazy drinking and partying to live out that time...

I've immortalized demons in paper and given life to feelings I would never give up.

There was a time where every friend I thought had been my best friend was no where to be found, but I stood back to back with a six foot giant called Bryant who I couldn't stand initially. I found friends in unexpected places and will forever be thankful to everyone... Jax, Carmen, Bryant, Angie, Danny, Jess, Alysha... everyone

Bryant, though...
He was a typical fuck boy in many ways. He was the typical guy who broke hearts, and I couldn't stand everything I had come to know about him. He reminded me to be humane. He reminded me that there was a human with all of the veins filled of mistakes. He showed me what redemption looked like for him. He taught me an unexpected patience.

He showed me that he wasn't his mistakes...

That none of us were.

With time I wasn't tied to him because of a school assignment. Ty, Andy, Bryant, and I grew close between chords and aimless melodies. Jessica, Alysha, Karina, and Ali were always around, too. We'd watch as Bryant picked up girls much to our distaste. I didn't like his games, and then he met a girl who made him weak in the knees. I remember the day he fell in love. I remember the day she broke his heart. I remember the moment he looked back at me with a few drinks under his belt talking about how he had kissed our friend. Then I realized that the new look in his eyes was one similar to the one I saw in my own.

I saw how different it also was, though. I realized however realistic I had become... I would forever be a hopeless romantic and feel that this... this love I have is one of a kind. It's a love of a lifetime. Quote me on that...

So here it is... I met this guy. I've written about him here, before. I remember the day I drove from work to LA. I was speechless... I remember the combat boots I wore and everything. I remember feeling my heart beat. I remember shaking it off. I tired to, at least...

Bryant watched me write. He had a melody, and I was buzzing... I just found the words somewhere laying in the dark from meeting this boy who felt like someone I had always known... Does that make sense? No.

It just felt like a piece of me laid in his palm somehow...

He said things that matched my core in a way he couldn't have known. I sat in my booth trying to understand the click I felt with him... I wanted to know more. He said things only my soul would whimper. I missed the part where I was falling for him...

I remember being back to back with Bryant at a show. Right after he asked me if "the cute boy" had asked for my number yet, and I found myself telling him more about this guy who I couldn't shake...

This guy who I had met in my History of Rock class knew little about me in the bigger spectrum of things but understood how I ticked. He saw the wheels in my eyes and knew enough to keep the smirk to himself.

I was so sure Jacques wasn't interested at times... Bryant told me that was foolish to think.

As I found my footing with my friends, I saw Bryant, Jess, and the rest less and less. We had all gone separate ways, but they really helped me be unafraid in many ways.

I continued to grow in other aspects, and there was this boy who was anything but a fleeting emotion... He was a growing presence... He was so much more

So that brings us back to Jacques.

That boy.

He was different. He wasn't someone I had to mold myself to fit. I didn't have to filter myself, and he was instantly so welcoming... so accepting of me in every respect.

Someone I never grew tired of...

I don't feel a need to defend my love for him, but I find myself here tonight smiling at a way I can summarize a piece of it or at least talk about a piece of our love...

First, I know there are/were nay sayers. It's not something that surprises me.

This is reality, after all. Not everyone likes diamonds. Not everyone is going to like us.

Anyone who is in our lives, though, isn't part of that pool. So really... none of that is relevant.

The thing is... I'm 22. I'm not 7, 12, 16, or even 19 anymore, and I will never be THAT again. I have pieces of those girls, but I'm better than those girls. I'll be better at 23 and even better at 36.

There's a peace to me and a direction where there was aimlessness in them... and that's solely based on my individual growth.

I know people could look at me and say I've changed. Yeah, I'm not the same in that basic level of being older... but my core is cemented. I have changed on my own accord and even just being with Jacques. I've become stronger and less shameless in my skin. I've come to my own, and I've come to understand that my time is precious... I've come to see my value in a way that I can't imagine wasting it on anything or anyone who breaks me down. I don't have the need to understand everyone's demons. I don't have a need to tame everyone's fears...

Thing is... I've changed him more than he's changed me. I see it. I'm so proud of him. I wonder if he sees the beauty in my growth as I see it in him...

See... I see the positive growth in us both, but I see how much of an evolution he's made... I see his actions surpass his words, and this love I have for him only grows.

I feel like when you're growing up you're trying out ice cream flavors. Then you try the one flavor, and you just know. THAT is your flavor...

Does that make sense? Maybe not. I don't know.

I guess the way I can put it is that this is how I've wanted to be. This is better than I could have ever thought it would be. Meeting him I saw him and felt the right fit... It was like it all just evolved naturally. It all evolved how it did, because it was him...

I'm watching two "life tapes" come together, intertwining into an even better montage. Every moment with him, whether we're physically together or apart, is one that I hold close to my heart.

Having met him... Having him in my life... that's the best present I've ever received. There isn't a person who intrigues me more or makes my heart skip beats like him. There isn't a person I'd rather share it all with. There isn't another person like him. I love him...

And it's crazy to think that one person is getting and will get pieces of me no one else will or has plus the pieces I've shared with anyone else...

He's my boyfriend, he's an inspiration, he's my best friend... my rock.

I guess tonight was just a reminder. I sat with old friends talking about an old English course and History of Rock... We talked and toasted Bryant's new opportunity, and I talked to him about Jacques.

How a life with him is worth fighting for. How happy I am with him and within myself. How it's nice to be around them, but there's nothing alluring about the past.

Things are simpler, clearer, and better...

I don't have a thirst to splatter words on melodies and connect with strangers.

I have dreams and goals, but it's clearer. How Jacques has this subtle way of giving me something to believe in that's better than anything else...

How every memory I've made I want to remake with him... I looked at Bryant and asked him if he remembered how I looked at the city lights... The city got me. I got the city.

The city lights were my counterpart until Jacques came around... then they were just a backdrop, and he was the centerpiece...

I have no words. I really don't. It's going to be 6 months on Wednesday. It's going to be 6 months that we've been together and about 10 months of just knowing him...

That's so little compared to how long I've been on this Earth... how long he's lived.

Yet... the time with him is precious in a way that the time before can't quite compare...


There's fun in it all, but as I told Bryant... I'm not lured by the past or any of those things.

He's off to do his thing, and his flight will be leaving soon. I told him what he told me once upon a time. It was as he put it, "you weren't as bad as I thought."

It was a joke, you see. I thought he was absolutely annoying at first, and he is. He's quite annoying, but Ty and Andy tone him down. We were all a big group that had tones. That's why we all worked.

It's nice to see everyone go their way. I'm the youngest, as usual... And I know that's why Bryant had a protective nature with me. I know that's why he pretended to be gay for a week to pull one over me. I know that's why he pulled me to the side and told me it was so me to almost not show up and avoid him telling me that he was proud of me.

He said very sweet things, and I couldn't help smile at his prediction for Jacques and I... He held that same kindness Danny holds for me... The same kindness my old employees did and still do... It made me feel so good.

It wasn't a sad goodbye, either. It was a pleasant good luck. It was a pleasant thank you for being a friend and not another guy trying to get under my skirt. It was a thank you for not judging him and being that ear when his heart got broken. It was a thank you from all of us to each other. We all don't really talk anymore... not much. It's rare. It's nice, though, to come together for the buddy. I think we all knew he needed that restart. It was nice to hear him tell me I've grown... It was nice to enjoy myself and just recognize how distant from all of it I am.

I sat there having a good time, but I was so in tune with how apart from that I am now.

How Jacques has shifted that tide for me... How HE holds that shine... TO ME

Anyways, this is a rambly rambly one.

Jacques is currently in Vegas... and I really do miss him. There's so much in store, and I can't wait to see him come back. I can't wait for all that's coming, either...

But for now... My allergies are ALL ALIVE. Haha...

Sooo
It's time
Good night.

Xx