Beyond Imperfect

But sometimes I feel a little extra imperfect. I'm far too emotional, and I can't quite get a grip. I cry until I'm dehydrated and my tears feel like they've carved creeks into my cheeks. I'm all blotchy and overly unpleasant.

I try to look at the positive to things to a fault until I become wary of it all. Suddenly all I can do is feel hurt and disapproval. All I see is my frustration, and all I feel is defeat.

I blame it on my baby syndrome, but I don't know if that's always the case.

Am I a victim? No.

I do feel attacked, though. I feel like I am attacked for being the baby at times. I'm the easy target, and I adore too much to bite back.

My mind is like a growing tree with branches constantly spreading out at an impossible speed, every branch being a different possibility... a different outcome. Some branches just grow stronger while others snap with the slightest of pressure.

I guess I'm immature for saying that, huh? That I get picked on... but the alternative is believing I deserve it. I'm supposed to have this tension with them, right? It's not that, though. I want to coexist. I want to understand. I don't want a tug of war...

I've seen how it is to give in and to completely take off. I just what the best of the two. Is that such a crime? I don't want to obey, but I don't want to detach.

I understand that there's a lot going on. I understand that. I just don't understand why it has to be the load I carry. I don't want to, and that might be selfish... but I want to do what makes me happy while maintaining that tie...

I want as much of the pie, but it feels like the pie doesn't always want me.

I don't want to hole up and mope about what is already done. It does hurt to feel myself being cut off for not giving in, though. It's not necessarily the cut off that hurts, but the meaning behind it that stings... what it signifies is what makes it painful...

How to make me give in? Pressure. Okay.

That's what it is, right? I'm being pressured to bend at the knees. I'm being cast out in some ways to turn around and beg for reentrance. I'm being axed out to be kept in a small perimeter.

I have a voice in my ear whispering all the things that are wrong, but I can't find myself agreeing with that lack of logic... I'm told to nod. I can nod, but I can't agree.

I can't be told what to think or feel.
I can't compromise who I am or want for anyone's sake...

Somehow the repetition is the blow that knocks me over. It's in the moment that I turn my back and feel the iron on my tongue as the blade plunges and twists from behind.

I'm suffocating.
I'm a burden.
I'm trouble.
I'm immature.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm thoughtless.
I'm inconsiderate.
I'm a bad influence.

The list goes on, and it feels like a whirlpool. I'm being spun and pulled in different directions. I can't find my place in my own mind at this point.

My lips are cracked between the sobs and choking. My eyes burn as if my tears had suddenly become acidic, and it feels like a broken record being sealed into my mind.

Am I suffocating? Am I such a burden? Am I trouble? Am I everything I felt so distant from? Am I the flawed sad creature I'm being told I am, or is it an attempt at taming me in a sad twist of events? Why does it feel like I'm constantly being conditioned to feel like I'm not good enough?

I can't say.

It's in that overwhelming flood of emotion that left feels like right and right feels like a blur.

My cheeks are hot but not from a warm flush of love.

My cheeks are hot in an attempt to stay warm, because everything feels cold. My bones have been covered in a frosty layer, and all I can hear now is the shattering of my teeth.

That's what I have to feel right? Alone. I have to feel alone and cold to throw any logic away. I need to be plagued by the murmurs and emotions of displacement.

I've been down this road. I've seen this road develop in polar opposites. I guess that's my problem. I don't think about solely my options. I don't necessarily think about what will just save me. Is that it? I think so.

If I discarded everyone else's best interest, it'd be easier.

I can't go, because I want to do it right.
I can't obey blindly, because I'd compromise myself.

I can't let anyone play on my emotions to control me.
I can't let my emotions weaken my drive.

I'm being told I should worry.
I should be worried.

There's all these problems on my hands, and I need to deal with them.
I'm expected to be in a puddle of self loathe.

The tears hurt now.
I feel imperfect in a way that burns.

I feel imperfect in the way that I fall short. In the way that my best isn't quite good enough. I feel imperfect in the way that I'm different. I feel imperfect in the way that what they need isn't what I am... that giving in would be easier for them and miserable at best for me. I feel imperfect in the way that I pull someone precious to me into a spiral of this... problems.

I don't feel beautifully imperfect tonight. I feel imperfect in the sense that it's all slightly heavier on my chest.

And I wonder what the right choice is. I wonder when I became the punching bag without legs. I think about what I'm being told I should worry about, but I know that's not the way.

My skin crawls at the thought of how expensive not bending my knees is turning out to be, but I can't say I regret it.

I can't say I'll ever bend my knees.

I can't say I'll be made to believe who I am is disgusting or a disgrace.

A momentary slip...

That's normal. Not being perfect is normal. Everything that is said isn't true, though.

It's just hard to feel the weight push me down. It's just hard to feel the floor beneath my feet give in like sinking sand.

I guess sometimes not giving in means not fighting back.

But my fault lies in wanting acceptance. I want support, and it's something I need to understand doesn't always play a role in my story.

I guess I got used to a different support... with him.
A kind of support I felt at home with and suddenly wished came from home, too...

Anyways, life is never quite easy. It takes adapting...

I just need to remember how to recognize manipulation and not let myself give in.

I need to look at the big picture and recognize the good in everything and everyone. I need to acknowledge the opportunities for growth.. I need I need I need.

I need to do all of these things
I can't lose my sanity
I can't let my emotions overwhelm me
I can't let myself be a liability, because that's how it feels, doesn't it? Sometimes...

I'm imperfect like that. I need to think about what I need to be to keep a family unit together, but all I want is to feel what I feel and be me.

So why don't I?
Why do I tell myself that isn't the right thing?

I don't know.

I blame it all on not being perfect. I'd never want to be perfect. I guess I just wish I'd stop wishing they'd see my imperfection as beauty... substance... anything that was separated from failure.

I'm not illogical. I just don't see the point in freaking out. Worrying about all of these expenses won't do anything. Worrying about everyone else won't make me feel any better. Letting anyone tell me that everything is my fault and on me, though, isn't right.

Being trained to be cold isn't who I am, either.

I might not be what everyone wants of me, but I'm someone I wouldn't trade for anybody...

Sure I'm not the best in many ways, but my shortfalls are opportunities to grow... I can't let anyone bring me down for that.

I'm not an animal that can be beat into obedience, and I won't let anyone turn me into a scapegoat... I'm not driven into paranoia by the flaws others point out in me. I'm quite the opposite in that sense. I face the fear or flaw and turn it into something to smile about... I can't stop now.

I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I know why I'm still here, and I know this isn't where I want to stay... Given the time to chose one over the other... I know my choice. I'm just trying to be better than the ones before me.

That's the thing, though, I don't like to complain about something that can be changed. I don't like putting up with things when I no longer have to. I don't want to leave like that, though.

It feels like I've already left or at least been isolated. I feel like I'm being groomed to become a financial profit more than anything, and that's what will drive me over edge if anything... I don't want to be controlled or held back. I don't want to stump my growth for someone's selfish benefit. That's the seed of frustration, a majority of it at least... I want to grow for myself and for someone I love. I want to grow with them, and I don't want to be held back this way... The more they try to cut me at my roots the more they grow away from them...

I don't play games. I feel myself spinning trying to find my balance, and I find it in a pair of eyes I've come used to waking up to... That's where I'm finding my sanity.

That's where I'm grounding myself. That's where my strength is coming from to make sense of this. My senseless crying seems so foolish when I see him. Sure, some things are frustrating... there's so much going on, but he's there. Somehow that makes all the difference...

He makes all the difference, and I know all I need is patience. No matter the obstacle... no matter the time... I love him, and I know it'll all be worth it. A lifetime with him is worth any tug of war with anyone, honestly...

I mean he loves me as perfectly imperfect as I am, and that means more to me than anything...

Xx

Unplanned.

We're born a ball of life... all of the possibilities floating in space, but I don't think anyone looks at us and can possibly imagine what will come of us... not in the end

You see, I can sit here with a tape that holds my life up until this day, but I don't think that after the first few minutes anyone, myself included, could say I'd be who I am. I think people around us, especially our loved ones, hope for the best... But they can't possibly know what the outcome of the passing days will make of us.

I could probably tell you the moments I remember that made impacts in my life. I could sit here and tell you what people helped shape me. I could sit here and tell you what awoke my hunger to succeed.

I could sit here and tell you everything, and I'd still miss vital details here and there.

It's crazy, though, how these two years have seen me change more than the twenty years before...

I guess a lot of it is polishing.

I mean I like to believe I cultivated a majority of my character or at least the core in my teens. I'm still growing, but it's in different ways. My awareness is sharper. My patience is much more selective. My kindness isn't as naive.... And yet my softness remains.

It's just crazy, like I said.

My layers are evolving, but my core stands still. My dreams change. My challenges shift. Who I am inside doesn't. I only grow, and with growth comes knowledge.

Knowledge is a fickle thing...

I had this amazing professor who probably saw more in me than anyone before him, my parents included... He was fascinated with my journal entries and always seemed to pluck my brain any chance he could. He was very much like a father figure of sorts by the third class of his that I took. I actually spent a whole year after taking his last course writing in a journal and giving it to him once it was done. It was a silly thing, really. He gave me a list of questions and asked if I could answer them. I remember being so sure until the pen touched paper and only trembled without destination. A year later I finally finished and gave him this raggedy old journal. It had it all in there. In the moment, I think I just wanted to be rid of it. I realized a lot of things that year, and I found myself lost in a web of spiders.

I saw him recently to only hear him say what he had said so many years ago, "you're too smart for your own good."

I didn't understand it until he introduced me to my favorite writer. Then, I understood it wasn't just a compliment. It was laced with sadness until recently. I think he, along with too many people, saw me as something special that couldn't last. Everyone besides maybe my brother was probably waiting for the moment I'd implode and change or evaporate.

I think he found the parallels in my words and assumed the worst that way. Sometimes I think people do the same and assume I'm ready to fall apart.

I don't think he understood me truly until he saw me now and saw that the flame was blue, but it was stronger for it. My strength lies in the very place it's threatened. I'm not burdened, and that's something that has always been that way.

There aren't pebbles filling my pockets pulling me into the depths of unknown waters. There's an endless supply of pebbles falling from my hands, building mountains to elevate me out of dark waters.

I guess that's why I'm not afraid of demons. I'm afraid of mundane things like the dark and old wood floors that make me think I'm about to be killed, but I'm not afraid of the demons we all carry beneath our skin, nailed to our bones.

I'm not romanticizing any of it, but I'm simply unafraid to swim with the shadows...

I guess you could say this professor became an important person in my life, to a degree. The truth is... as much as I loved my friends, none of them understood the thunderstorm in my head. He introduced me to pen and paper in a way I had never allowed myself to be acquainted with anything. Everything I had written before had been shared with someone. I spent a year weaving my soul into that journal's spine without a single intent of letting anyone see it. It was a surprise when I found myself walking to the humanities building and into his office.

I felt boulders crumble off my back when I did, and I realized that I would always be my greatest ally and most fearsome obstacle.

No pill or doctor could tell me how to fix myself. No group session would fix every trauma. No chemical could turn me into the societal construct of normality.

I think that was when I finally loved myself. I saw beauty in myself beyond the surface or any appearance standard. I had spent years helping fix everyone and letting myself fall down branches to keep everyone around me sane.

I'm glad I had this time to myself...

I learned what being selfish really meant, and it wasn't something horrid. It was needed and welcomed.

These last two years to the date have been a cleansing period of sorts...

I started to understand what friends were truly the ones who would have my back and who would be the first to drench me in gasoline before they lit the match and blamed me for it.

I can't say I've perfected it, but I've come to let go of many memories and have gotten better at seeing people for how they are to me now.

I spent a good portion of the last two years writing songs on a red couch and in recording rooms letting the voices in my head escape. I've also just spent time on my own for myself and come to my own before letting anyone else step into that door.

I didn't need crazy drinking and partying to live out that time...

I've immortalized demons in paper and given life to feelings I would never give up.

There was a time where every friend I thought had been my best friend was no where to be found, but I stood back to back with a six foot giant called Bryant who I couldn't stand initially. I found friends in unexpected places and will forever be thankful to everyone... Jax, Carmen, Bryant, Angie, Danny, Jess, Alysha... everyone

Bryant, though...
He was a typical fuck boy in many ways. He was the typical guy who broke hearts, and I couldn't stand everything I had come to know about him. He reminded me to be humane. He reminded me that there was a human with all of the veins filled of mistakes. He showed me what redemption looked like for him. He taught me an unexpected patience.

He showed me that he wasn't his mistakes...

That none of us were.

With time I wasn't tied to him because of a school assignment. Ty, Andy, Bryant, and I grew close between chords and aimless melodies. Jessica, Alysha, Karina, and Ali were always around, too. We'd watch as Bryant picked up girls much to our distaste. I didn't like his games, and then he met a girl who made him weak in the knees. I remember the day he fell in love. I remember the day she broke his heart. I remember the moment he looked back at me with a few drinks under his belt talking about how he had kissed our friend. Then I realized that the new look in his eyes was one similar to the one I saw in my own.

I saw how different it also was, though. I realized however realistic I had become... I would forever be a hopeless romantic and feel that this... this love I have is one of a kind. It's a love of a lifetime. Quote me on that...

So here it is... I met this guy. I've written about him here, before. I remember the day I drove from work to LA. I was speechless... I remember the combat boots I wore and everything. I remember feeling my heart beat. I remember shaking it off. I tired to, at least...

Bryant watched me write. He had a melody, and I was buzzing... I just found the words somewhere laying in the dark from meeting this boy who felt like someone I had always known... Does that make sense? No.

It just felt like a piece of me laid in his palm somehow...

He said things that matched my core in a way he couldn't have known. I sat in my booth trying to understand the click I felt with him... I wanted to know more. He said things only my soul would whimper. I missed the part where I was falling for him...

I remember being back to back with Bryant at a show. Right after he asked me if "the cute boy" had asked for my number yet, and I found myself telling him more about this guy who I couldn't shake...

This guy who I had met in my History of Rock class knew little about me in the bigger spectrum of things but understood how I ticked. He saw the wheels in my eyes and knew enough to keep the smirk to himself.

I was so sure Jacques wasn't interested at times... Bryant told me that was foolish to think.

As I found my footing with my friends, I saw Bryant, Jess, and the rest less and less. We had all gone separate ways, but they really helped me be unafraid in many ways.

I continued to grow in other aspects, and there was this boy who was anything but a fleeting emotion... He was a growing presence... He was so much more

So that brings us back to Jacques.

That boy.

He was different. He wasn't someone I had to mold myself to fit. I didn't have to filter myself, and he was instantly so welcoming... so accepting of me in every respect.

Someone I never grew tired of...

I don't feel a need to defend my love for him, but I find myself here tonight smiling at a way I can summarize a piece of it or at least talk about a piece of our love...

First, I know there are/were nay sayers. It's not something that surprises me.

This is reality, after all. Not everyone likes diamonds. Not everyone is going to like us.

Anyone who is in our lives, though, isn't part of that pool. So really... none of that is relevant.

The thing is... I'm 22. I'm not 7, 12, 16, or even 19 anymore, and I will never be THAT again. I have pieces of those girls, but I'm better than those girls. I'll be better at 23 and even better at 36.

There's a peace to me and a direction where there was aimlessness in them... and that's solely based on my individual growth.

I know people could look at me and say I've changed. Yeah, I'm not the same in that basic level of being older... but my core is cemented. I have changed on my own accord and even just being with Jacques. I've become stronger and less shameless in my skin. I've come to my own, and I've come to understand that my time is precious... I've come to see my value in a way that I can't imagine wasting it on anything or anyone who breaks me down. I don't have the need to understand everyone's demons. I don't have a need to tame everyone's fears...

Thing is... I've changed him more than he's changed me. I see it. I'm so proud of him. I wonder if he sees the beauty in my growth as I see it in him...

See... I see the positive growth in us both, but I see how much of an evolution he's made... I see his actions surpass his words, and this love I have for him only grows.

I feel like when you're growing up you're trying out ice cream flavors. Then you try the one flavor, and you just know. THAT is your flavor...

Does that make sense? Maybe not. I don't know.

I guess the way I can put it is that this is how I've wanted to be. This is better than I could have ever thought it would be. Meeting him I saw him and felt the right fit... It was like it all just evolved naturally. It all evolved how it did, because it was him...

I'm watching two "life tapes" come together, intertwining into an even better montage. Every moment with him, whether we're physically together or apart, is one that I hold close to my heart.

Having met him... Having him in my life... that's the best present I've ever received. There isn't a person who intrigues me more or makes my heart skip beats like him. There isn't a person I'd rather share it all with. There isn't another person like him. I love him...

And it's crazy to think that one person is getting and will get pieces of me no one else will or has plus the pieces I've shared with anyone else...

He's my boyfriend, he's an inspiration, he's my best friend... my rock.

I guess tonight was just a reminder. I sat with old friends talking about an old English course and History of Rock... We talked and toasted Bryant's new opportunity, and I talked to him about Jacques.

How a life with him is worth fighting for. How happy I am with him and within myself. How it's nice to be around them, but there's nothing alluring about the past.

Things are simpler, clearer, and better...

I don't have a thirst to splatter words on melodies and connect with strangers.

I have dreams and goals, but it's clearer. How Jacques has this subtle way of giving me something to believe in that's better than anything else...

How every memory I've made I want to remake with him... I looked at Bryant and asked him if he remembered how I looked at the city lights... The city got me. I got the city.

The city lights were my counterpart until Jacques came around... then they were just a backdrop, and he was the centerpiece...

I have no words. I really don't. It's going to be 6 months on Wednesday. It's going to be 6 months that we've been together and about 10 months of just knowing him...

That's so little compared to how long I've been on this Earth... how long he's lived.

Yet... the time with him is precious in a way that the time before can't quite compare...


There's fun in it all, but as I told Bryant... I'm not lured by the past or any of those things.

He's off to do his thing, and his flight will be leaving soon. I told him what he told me once upon a time. It was as he put it, "you weren't as bad as I thought."

It was a joke, you see. I thought he was absolutely annoying at first, and he is. He's quite annoying, but Ty and Andy tone him down. We were all a big group that had tones. That's why we all worked.

It's nice to see everyone go their way. I'm the youngest, as usual... And I know that's why Bryant had a protective nature with me. I know that's why he pretended to be gay for a week to pull one over me. I know that's why he pulled me to the side and told me it was so me to almost not show up and avoid him telling me that he was proud of me.

He said very sweet things, and I couldn't help smile at his prediction for Jacques and I... He held that same kindness Danny holds for me... The same kindness my old employees did and still do... It made me feel so good.

It wasn't a sad goodbye, either. It was a pleasant good luck. It was a pleasant thank you for being a friend and not another guy trying to get under my skirt. It was a thank you for not judging him and being that ear when his heart got broken. It was a thank you from all of us to each other. We all don't really talk anymore... not much. It's rare. It's nice, though, to come together for the buddy. I think we all knew he needed that restart. It was nice to hear him tell me I've grown... It was nice to enjoy myself and just recognize how distant from all of it I am.

I sat there having a good time, but I was so in tune with how apart from that I am now.

How Jacques has shifted that tide for me... How HE holds that shine... TO ME

Anyways, this is a rambly rambly one.

Jacques is currently in Vegas... and I really do miss him. There's so much in store, and I can't wait to see him come back. I can't wait for all that's coming, either...

But for now... My allergies are ALL ALIVE. Haha...

Sooo
It's time
Good night.

Xx

Not Quite On or Off

I've been so on
But we all have off days

I'm not all rainbows
It's only fair to share that part, right?

I mean

Idk what it is

It's like a pebble growing into a rock transforming into a boulder until the hole is enveloped and air can't get through.

I think I like to play the strong card too much. It's what I'm used to. Anything else is a burden, so I hold myself up. I'm not a burden to myself.

I'm learning that anyone who makes you feel that way isn't someone you need...

Especially since sometimes I feel like the pebble amongst boulders

I'm not a smooth pebble, though
There's chips
There's cracks

And I think sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I dive in head first and let people rip me at my seams in order to take care of others.

I feel myself grow so drained, and it's a tug of war, but I don't want to participate in that anymore.

I think it sucks when you cut a thread you thought was stronger than a rope only to realize it wasn't made of gold. It can be severed in a blink of an eye and be gone just like that.

I look at life, and it's good in every sense. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm on the road to something even better, but I'm human. I get tired and have my own demons...

I just do have boulders pressing down on me, and I'm reminded that my cracks deepen with the pressure sometimes.

I'm reminded that not everyone is affected by my absence and in turn cares little for my presence. I can't save everyone. I can't subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. I can't make excuses for people like that... I'm a priority and can't apologize for acknowledging my worth

I feel nauseas when it comes to people sometimes... At least right now.

I feel my mind telling me to focus on school.

I miss my friends, though

I miss the whole pie

And it sucks feeling like I dropped a slice

And so I can't sleep and throw away that card

Instead I'm going out trying to figure this time out

I don't like that. I feel like I need to, but I don't. Not every hole needs to be rushed to fill.

The truth is that hole held such a value to me that can't be so easily filled. It'll be filled when it is. For now I'm satisfied doing what I need to for myself.

Trying to figure out if I'm normal?
I'm stable
But I'm not

I'm 22, so I shouldn't be like this
I should be out not so focused?

No

That's never been me
I have a goal
And my sight on a prize

So no one gets to tell me what I should do in that regard.

There's no shame in admitting confusion and pain. Maybe all I need is support at this point, because there's no answer to this.

I'm just frustrated, and I think I'm good at giving advice but forget to take my own.

I'm tired, because I'm my worst critique.

I'm always pushing myself to a breaking point, and I need to remember to look around...

I need to remember to breathe and laugh

I'm far from perfect, and it's hard right now, but it won't be forever

It's just hard to feel the cracks on the floor you thought was solid and feel the cracks on your shoulder made by a hand you thought was your own

I guess it's like being let down by your own judgment and for a moment question trust in yourself


That's life, though, right?

I can't expect anyone to save me. Life isn't like a movie. No one will come around and read your soul fixing every crack. No one will just know what to say or how to support you to make it all better in a single blow. It's a learning process. The cracks and process have too much substance to try and change them. Perfect isn't better. Life is beautiful in all of its tumbles and twists.

Life doesn't always feel like we're doing it right, though, but we do what we can.

We just need to remember that people will always point out what they feel you're doing wrong, but they don't see all the work you put in.

You know.


I guess that's what makes me feel at ease, though...

Look,

I'm confused, because I used to feel that I knew who would be in my life. It flipped on me, and it still doesn't make sense. I'm not aimless, but I'm shook.

It'd be weird if I wasn't. It would devalue what I claimed to have felt so dearly.

I feel things far too deeply, even now, and it makes my stomach turn when I feel like a fool.

But I guess there's a bright side to this. Your 20's are tough and just get worse, according to Carmen.

We were at Blaze about like 7 or 8 months ago?

She was telling me I needed to let myself feel, and maybe I'm on the other tip where I waited too long and everything came flooding in after so long.

Curtains are being ripped open, and I'm seeing what the world really looks like beyond the walls I built for myself.

Anyways, nights like tonight I feel the weight on my shoulders.

The truth is this entire week has been a roller coaster, and I guess I hold it too close to my chest until I'm distant with myself.

Anyways, I guess the point of this post is to say that it's going to be okay.

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Sometimes you just need to remember that and understand that life will throw curveballs at you.

You're human and stumbling doesn't make you weak. Sometimes you just need to cry and feel the weight of it all, but you can't let it block your air.

You need to stand up and hold your head high, because you're going to be great. You're going to do great things, and you can't sell yourself short.

You can cry, but you can't cry over the people who couldn't see you. People do see you, so don't focus on the ones who don't.

As for me. I need to remember I signed up for this.

I'm not unhappy with the routine. It's troublesome and tiresome, but it's doable.

I think I'm a classic case of sow times questioning when a finger is pointed to me.

But I know... It's a weird time in regards to realizing the roster you have by your side. I'm not in a rush, though, and I think those around me worry about that.

Am I going to lose my substance?

No

I'm just not someone who looks. I look for change when I desire it and require it... When I need and want it


I'm going through changes, but I'm not rushing the process.

It just sucks at times, but I'm glad that there are people around me who understand that. In the way that it'll all work out.

I have such a strong appreciation for the people who haven't pointed their fingers at me for taking on too much and basically caging myself to this routine

The friends who understand that I just need rest or that on certain days my free time is craved to be spent elsewhere.

They support me, and I appreciate that.

I appreciate that on nights where the weight is felt on my shoulders they're there.

And that gives me hope. In a sea of fears and turmoil, there are a handful of people who exceed the expectations I had. Those are the people who I know are waiting on the sidelines cheering me on.

Those are the people I hope stick around, because I'm telling you it's going to be a wild ride... But it'll be one worth your time.

It's definitely worth mine.(:

Life is beautiful even when the world feels like it's making a fool out of you. I wouldn't change it if I could.

The True MVS (Most Valuable Song... For Now)

Song: Spirits
Artist: The Strumbellas

This song and I have had quite the roller coaster. This is the song that I listened to for the first time on the freeway with a friend while my heart broke repeatedly. I felt my heart shattering as this song played for the first time through my ears. It played over and over slowly helping me cheer up. I had no clue this song would repeatedly play that role, though. I guess you could say it has developed a meaning to me or at least some importance, really.

You see, this song is really about fighting your inner demons. It's about trying to change and become a better person in life.

There's always those things in life that are like guns that "won't go," and we all have the "spirits in [our heads that] won't go." It might be a decision we've made or a list of mistakes. We've basically all grown our array of demons. Those are things that are a part of us, and they won't go... but that doesn't mean we can't be better for it.

You just have to look at your life and decide to do your absolute best to be a good person.


Anyways, this song has made me feel every emotion.

It was the last song I heard before I picked up a phone call that same night (my friend introduced it to me) that would mark a turning point in my soon to be relationship. This is also the song I listened to and sang to my best friend while tipsy in a car. I was out of my mind trying to explain my love for this guy who managed to melt all the ice covering my bones. "He's in my bones," is all I could say to explain how deep I had already gotten. It's true, he's everywhere, and I just found myself singing this at the top of my lungs. It came up, and I took the chance. My harmonies were a disaster. My hand gestures were everything. I wanted to twirl into a body of water and sing this song until the sun came up or I fell asleep... drained. Haha

This is also the song that momentarily played while my boyfriend and I were in the Starbucks' drive thru after having spilled our feelings to each other. My heart skipped a beat as we lost the song changing the radio... He had no clue how much this song had played in my life just recently. He had no idea how I drew a connection to him. Now, that moment... it felt like a full circle. The song that I listened to that one night had finally come full circle, in a way.

Then again, when he met my friend Jackie (Jax), this song played. That was another beautiful night. I mentioned how this song followed me, apparently, but he wouldn't have known just how much it moved me... There was no way he'd know.

But how could I not love this song? Like I said, we've all got those demons. We've all been dragging ourselves, at some point. There just comes a day when you stand up and decide this isn't the life you want and change it for the better.

I spent a lot of nights on the run
And I think oh, like I'm lost and can't be found
I'm just waiting for my day to come
And I think oh, I don't wanna let you down
Cause something inside has changed
And maybe we don't wanna stay the same

I got guns in my head and they won't go
Spirits in my head and they won't go
I got guns in my head and they won't go
Spirits in my head and they won't go
But the gun still rattles
The gun still rattles, oh
But the gun still rattles
The gun still rattles, oh

This song just makes me feel the world and then some. I've cried to this song and laughed to this song. I've felt everything listening to this song. I've felt human, though, more than anything.

It's easy to look back and wish we had done things differently, but those things helped shape us. It makes the now even better, and I know that isn't always easy to believe... I just think that if I get this now and for the second half, the first half was worth struggling. Someone told me that in a few different words, and I agree. I guess you can say I feel myself falling into line. I'm not scared of life the way I used to be.

I'm happy. I'm not dumb enough to think life will always be easy, but nothing good comes easy. It's all hard work, and I know the ghosts will "still rattle," but they won't forever...

You could say this song has encouraged me in a way. I mean I guess. You know, I've just ran enough. I'm ready, now. It doesn't matter if we're ready. Sometimes we want something, and things change. Suddenly, we become ready. Some things and some people, I don't know... They wake you up. It feels like my day has come, though, and this song likes to play everywhere to remind me that. Something just changed, and I simply "don't want to see another night lost inside a lonely life while I'm here." Is that cliche? Did you like that lyric integration? lol

Anyways, I found myself listening to this song last night, so I guess it really came full circle. Sometimes, it isn't the song. Maybe this is the case. I've attached feelings to give meaning to this song. This is my MVS for now, but I'm sure we all have that song. I guess this song just got lucky that way.

I just know that I've never been happier, and this song if it could speak... It'd tell you a lot about me. It's seen me struggle with a lot in a short amount of time, but it's also seen me rise to the occasion. It's a crazy silly thing, really.


Xx