Not Quite On or Off

I've been so on
But we all have off days

I'm not all rainbows
It's only fair to share that part, right?

I mean

Idk what it is

It's like a pebble growing into a rock transforming into a boulder until the hole is enveloped and air can't get through.

I think I like to play the strong card too much. It's what I'm used to. Anything else is a burden, so I hold myself up. I'm not a burden to myself.

I'm learning that anyone who makes you feel that way isn't someone you need...

Especially since sometimes I feel like the pebble amongst boulders

I'm not a smooth pebble, though
There's chips
There's cracks

And I think sometimes I forget to take care of myself. I dive in head first and let people rip me at my seams in order to take care of others.

I feel myself grow so drained, and it's a tug of war, but I don't want to participate in that anymore.

I think it sucks when you cut a thread you thought was stronger than a rope only to realize it wasn't made of gold. It can be severed in a blink of an eye and be gone just like that.

I look at life, and it's good in every sense. Don't get me wrong. I'm happy. I'm on the road to something even better, but I'm human. I get tired and have my own demons...

I just do have boulders pressing down on me, and I'm reminded that my cracks deepen with the pressure sometimes.

I'm reminded that not everyone is affected by my absence and in turn cares little for my presence. I can't save everyone. I can't subject myself to anything less than what I deserve. I can't make excuses for people like that... I'm a priority and can't apologize for acknowledging my worth

I feel nauseas when it comes to people sometimes... At least right now.

I feel my mind telling me to focus on school.

I miss my friends, though

I miss the whole pie

And it sucks feeling like I dropped a slice

And so I can't sleep and throw away that card

Instead I'm going out trying to figure this time out

I don't like that. I feel like I need to, but I don't. Not every hole needs to be rushed to fill.

The truth is that hole held such a value to me that can't be so easily filled. It'll be filled when it is. For now I'm satisfied doing what I need to for myself.

Trying to figure out if I'm normal?
I'm stable
But I'm not

I'm 22, so I shouldn't be like this
I should be out not so focused?

No

That's never been me
I have a goal
And my sight on a prize

So no one gets to tell me what I should do in that regard.

There's no shame in admitting confusion and pain. Maybe all I need is support at this point, because there's no answer to this.

I'm just frustrated, and I think I'm good at giving advice but forget to take my own.

I'm tired, because I'm my worst critique.

I'm always pushing myself to a breaking point, and I need to remember to look around...

I need to remember to breathe and laugh

I'm far from perfect, and it's hard right now, but it won't be forever

It's just hard to feel the cracks on the floor you thought was solid and feel the cracks on your shoulder made by a hand you thought was your own

I guess it's like being let down by your own judgment and for a moment question trust in yourself


That's life, though, right?

I can't expect anyone to save me. Life isn't like a movie. No one will come around and read your soul fixing every crack. No one will just know what to say or how to support you to make it all better in a single blow. It's a learning process. The cracks and process have too much substance to try and change them. Perfect isn't better. Life is beautiful in all of its tumbles and twists.

Life doesn't always feel like we're doing it right, though, but we do what we can.

We just need to remember that people will always point out what they feel you're doing wrong, but they don't see all the work you put in.

You know.


I guess that's what makes me feel at ease, though...

Look,

I'm confused, because I used to feel that I knew who would be in my life. It flipped on me, and it still doesn't make sense. I'm not aimless, but I'm shook.

It'd be weird if I wasn't. It would devalue what I claimed to have felt so dearly.

I feel things far too deeply, even now, and it makes my stomach turn when I feel like a fool.

But I guess there's a bright side to this. Your 20's are tough and just get worse, according to Carmen.

We were at Blaze about like 7 or 8 months ago?

She was telling me I needed to let myself feel, and maybe I'm on the other tip where I waited too long and everything came flooding in after so long.

Curtains are being ripped open, and I'm seeing what the world really looks like beyond the walls I built for myself.

Anyways, nights like tonight I feel the weight on my shoulders.

The truth is this entire week has been a roller coaster, and I guess I hold it too close to my chest until I'm distant with myself.

Anyways, I guess the point of this post is to say that it's going to be okay.

What doesn't destroy you makes you stronger. Sometimes you just need to remember that and understand that life will throw curveballs at you.

You're human and stumbling doesn't make you weak. Sometimes you just need to cry and feel the weight of it all, but you can't let it block your air.

You need to stand up and hold your head high, because you're going to be great. You're going to do great things, and you can't sell yourself short.

You can cry, but you can't cry over the people who couldn't see you. People do see you, so don't focus on the ones who don't.

As for me. I need to remember I signed up for this.

I'm not unhappy with the routine. It's troublesome and tiresome, but it's doable.

I think I'm a classic case of sow times questioning when a finger is pointed to me.

But I know... It's a weird time in regards to realizing the roster you have by your side. I'm not in a rush, though, and I think those around me worry about that.

Am I going to lose my substance?

No

I'm just not someone who looks. I look for change when I desire it and require it... When I need and want it


I'm going through changes, but I'm not rushing the process.

It just sucks at times, but I'm glad that there are people around me who understand that. In the way that it'll all work out.

I have such a strong appreciation for the people who haven't pointed their fingers at me for taking on too much and basically caging myself to this routine

The friends who understand that I just need rest or that on certain days my free time is craved to be spent elsewhere.

They support me, and I appreciate that.

I appreciate that on nights where the weight is felt on my shoulders they're there.

And that gives me hope. In a sea of fears and turmoil, there are a handful of people who exceed the expectations I had. Those are the people who I know are waiting on the sidelines cheering me on.

Those are the people I hope stick around, because I'm telling you it's going to be a wild ride... But it'll be one worth your time.

It's definitely worth mine.(:

Life is beautiful even when the world feels like it's making a fool out of you. I wouldn't change it if I could.