A Letter To... A Friend Worth A Million

Five years now.

I've called you my friend for five years now. Remember when we ordered 100 mcnuggets, and I gave up after a few? Remember when you got a red thumb dying my hair? Remember when I cried sitting on a toilet reading a love letter to you that just made me feel like I was scum?

Remember all the times you reminded me I wasn't the problem? Remember all the times you've brought me a clear perspective?

Remember all the times you were the friend I needed?

Remember all of that? Remember any of that?

We look around, and it's easy to pick out who we have fun with.

But who gets me?

You're one of them.

I can have fun with you... a fun that isn't dangerous
I can bare my heart to you
A vulnerability that won't be used against me...

I could go on for hours

The truth is...
You're underrated.


It's so easy to appreciate people who are always there giving you what's easy, but you've never been someone to simply give me something convenient.
You see the ugly in me, and it somehow isn't ugly to you.

You've given me what I needed even if it wasn't what I wanted to hear.

We just have a realistic friendship. In easier terms... healthy, long lasting, valuable... It isn't adorned with facades.

And look, I get mad at you, and you get mad at me, but I love you, and I know you love me.

Do I ever tell you that, though?
Have I ever told you that I do love you?

I trust you when it comes to concerns of my heart, because you're one of the people who have never taken for granted that vulnerability...

You're someone who has made sure I didn't lose it, actually.

Do I ever tell you how much you've motivated me in life and the integral part you've played in me growing up? The role you've played in the cultivation of my character...?

You're someone who I can laugh with and have heart to heart conversations with. You're someone who I'm able to speak to without rewiring my words with filters. I never feel like I'm not enough around you, either.

I've called you in panic needing you to rescue me, and it's never felt like I was a burden to you.

You allow me to be human. You allow me to grow. You applaud me spreading my wings, and you even push me to jump when I'm scared to fly...

Sometimes you believe in me in a way that's unfamiliar to me, but you've made it so that I accept it. I accept it without questioning it, and it's helped me in my relationship, actually.

A lot of the ways you are... that we are... it's almost prepared me. You've given me these tools in life which I'll hold with me on this journey, and I want you to understand how thankful I am. I want to tell you what I may never express. That's the thing... there's love between us, but it's never too focused upon.

You're one of the few people I've probably have held this dear... and felt that it was so obvious to the point of overlooking it as if it were common sense at times... but I see what you probably see in me. I see you surrounded by people who don't show it. I see you surrounded and being pulled apart at the seams, strand at a time. I see you constantly wrapping yourself in hopes of healing only to be stripped of all bandages, and I watch how easy it is for people to step back at a convenience. It almost feels like looking into a mirror.

I didn't come up to you and tell you you would become my friend and yada yada. I was drawn to you. I saw pieces of you in me and complimentary pieces within us. I saw how great you were and ultimately vibed with you in a way that I wanted you in my life.

It was a natural growth, and I'm coming to see how beautiful that is. Always natural...

I'm coming to see how so many people have come and gone... and will continue to, but you're someone I see myself growing with and closer to over the years. You're someone who I'll still know when I have kids and not as a memory. You're someone I want present in my life.

Granted we'll have our disagreements along the way, but it's nothing that frightens me. I don't feel like you'll walk away, because you don't hold that over me.
Maybe it's a silent acknowledgement... because I know I wouldn't take you for granted. There's no reason why I wouldn't see you in my life. Does that make sense?

Maybe it doesn't... it's hard to explain, though.

Driving to you is one of my favorite drives, to be honest. I never know what you'll say, and I feed off your energy like a battery supply. Does that make sense?

We can sit in a car driving listening to tracks of a boy from another time, and I'll never hold it over you.

I can be in tears, and you play a song that makes my mood shift so easily... and you'll never judge me

I don't think you realize that it doesn't take much from you to just get me.

I guess what I'm saying is that it's easy to have a lot of friends... it's easy to have the trendy friends that are merely flavors but the roots don't go as deep. It's convenient.

The non lasting friendships that are fun but lifeless in the sense that they're never meant to expand into anything past their sample life.

Am I making sense at all?

I don't know...

But

I hope you know one thing.
You're not my friend out of convenience.
I'm not obligated to keep you in my life.
I choose to have you as my friend and always want the best for you... even as I cringe away to lick my wounds.

I've never wanted to change you and ill continue to support you. I never want you to feel less than what you are and deserve to feel. You're amazing and every scar you carry whether it's physical or emotional has made you so much stronger. I look up to you in many ways.

You were one of the people who gave me a voice when I was muted. You taught me that pitying myself got me nowhere but acknowledging my feelings and making the best of the worst situations was what made me stronger... taking something from everything is what would build my empire. Fighting against the world would get me nowhere. Living to prove people wrong would do nothing.

I am who I am no excuses.
People will not always like or even respect me, but I know myself. I know my worth, and that needs to be enough.

Thank you for all you've given me. Thank you for being the branch I could fall on when I felt myself falling without a warning.

Thank you for being a phone call away... a drive away.

Thank you for being someone I wish everyone could have in their life, and I'm sorry for all of the times I have looked that over. I'd be lying if I said I wasn't ever distracted by the lure of convenience and easy.



Thank you, Carmen.

Thank you for all the memories and laughs.... for everything. You're irreplaceable.

Xx