I Hate Liking Someone

It's so confusing.

I met this boy. He’s not six feet tall. He doesn’t have his life together. He’s quite lost, really, and he’s not ready for responsibility. If he fears anything, it’s responsibility… at least right now. His life hasn’t been the smoothest, but he’s somehow remained gentle. He’s always selling himself short but always finding treasures in other people.  He’s not musically inclined and finds Jackass funny but cries watching Inside Out. His experiences are completely different from my own and yet…

I met him in the last place I thought I’d meet him. I instantly felt comfortable with him; he was the one person who was even more hyper than me and managed to make me mellow out. He’s nine years my senior, but it feels like we were born in the same moment. I told someone I had a crush on him. She warned me that he was amazing but not the proper guy for me; I deserved more, and he was a mess.

The more we talk, the more I see the good in him, and it frightens me. He’s real not some conjuring of an ideal type of list in boy form. I find myself interested in the words he tells me, and the passion he holds in his eyes. I find myself laughing when he laughs. I find my own dimples mirroring his smile. We talk about our mistakes, and it’s frightening how natural it was for us to share things so personal with one another.

He’s humble and honest.  We talk about life and other things, in general… It always goes back to him repeating that he’s not ready for a relationship. He can’t do that, but he can’t be with someone for a night. He’s not that type. He walks into relationships with expiration dates, because he fears the moment he intertwines with someone he won’t be enough. He says it’s safer to know something is going to end, because he doesn’t want to be a disappointment. I don’t think he realizes his potential, but I can’t force him to see it. He needs to find it on his own, and it makes me back away… hesitantly. I can’t force him to see what I see. I’m scared I’ll show him before he sees it. I can’t be that push… But that makes my heart ache, knowing he’s been conditioned to sell himself short. He truly believes what he’s saying, and it’s an echo of what everyone has said to me. They’ve made it clear “he’s not good enough.” I wonder if he knows they say that… I’m sure he knows they think that.

The thing is everyone knows he’d be unstoppable. He just needs to want it bad enough.

I hear his voice call my name feet away over the person right next to me. He plays hurt when I don’t notice him, so I pretend to do it more often. He’s always coming over with his cheeky little smile asking questions and making sure I smile to the point that my face hurts. I call him handsome randomly just to watch the way his smile transforms and his eyes grow a gentler glaze.

He laughs at my clumsiness, but it’s never mockingly. He’s always reminding me that I can’t let people make me feel I’m something I’m not even though he can’t tell himself that.

I was convinced my crush had evaporated. All it took was for us to all hang out in a group, but I was mistaken. I had listened to all the voices and observed him convincing myself that I was stupid to feel anything for someone like him. I kept hearing settling in my head, and I was sure I had solved the mystery.

Then we interacted again… I realized he’s different. He’s shown his true colors from the beginning, whereas I’ve always had to find out things while being with someone, in the past. There was a change in the air, a transformation. He’s just raw and telling me things he doesn’t tell other people… I’ve realized that he has qualities that aren’t my favorite, but I’m okay with them. I’m in no way perfect, myself.

You see he does little things that make me laugh. It’s often in the details. I often speak without thinking, and he never lets me live down those moments. He notices small quirks about me and remembers details… He genuinely likes to listen to everything I have to say as if I was the most interesting thing, but he just has that quality. When you speak to him, he gives you his utmost attention.

Recently, very recently, I found myself back to square one. He was so confused with why the girls kept trying to play matchmaker with me. He said they should stay out of my business and let me be. He knows how awkward I am and easily uncomfortable I can get. This was the same day he listened to me telling me to open up to someone who was hurting me, causing a specific pain that was reminiscent of a bad time. He convinced me to stop blaming myself and was so logical but gentle.

“It’s not what you say but how you say it. [No one has] the right to make you feel [their] anger is your fault. Being misunderstood isn’t your fault. You don’t deserve being told your quirks are bad and anyone who has had someone say that to them should understand that even more. No one can tell you that you’re dealing with something the wrong way when they haven’t felt it first hand. You can’t defend someone who tells you being constantly told something hurt them when they repeatedly do that to you. No one is right to make you feel your scars are irrelevant, either. I won’t judge you, so I hope you don’t judge yourself like this. Being hurt doesn’t always make you stronger, either, so you can’t let people get away with being mean because they matter to you. The way you say things always in a way that blames you, remember that. Remember what you’re telling me and how fast you look to see where you went wrong. I’m only a third party telling you you didn’t do anything. I know why you say what you say. I could find anything offensive, but it wouldn’t be on you. You aren’t saying it in an offensive way, either. You only tell me how [so and so] said this is a result of you saying this and you saying that resulted in them reacting this way, but do they stop to consider you? If they care, they’ll listen and reevaluate their actions how you questioned yours. Some people will put blame in others, because they feel at fault in reality, but that isn’t you fault. You need to understand that. Them not being able to handle something and reacting to you defensively is an underlying issue of theirs. But… Someone going through shit doesn’t get a free pass so stop being passive aggressive and speak up.”

He’s the one person I can listen to. I don’t butt in and let him finish talking. He looks at me with these gentle but stern eyes at times. He’s not this romantic guy by any means. I’m not seeing him as what he could be, and that’s frightening me more. Am I trying to settle? If I saw him for his potential, it would make more sense… But I’m seeing this guy as he is and finding that I’m okay with that… I don’t know.

We’re always intertwining in some form, and it’s troublesome. I don’t like that we can talk about anything. He tells me all these things that I wish he wouldn’t, because they give him more substance…

We’re going to call this lady Annie and him Jay…

So I came out laughing to my car… where his car had been parked. Somehow we managed to arrive that day at the same time and parked right next to each other. Anyways, we managed to stand out there talking. I told [Jay] how [Annie] had basically cornered me saying how nice he was. How I should consider him for a boyfriend. I expected him to laugh, but he didn’t. He smiled at me, and I told him the entire scenario that occurred. I wanted him to react like it was a crazy idea, but he didn’t. He stood there smiling a mess scratching the back of his head trying to ask why it was wrong. I kept bringing up this girl who I felt was cute for him, but he assured me he didn’t just want something physical and didn’t know her personality. I told [Jay] she had a great personality, and I’d show him. He proceeded to tell me that it was fine… He liked my personality and didn’t need to know her. I tried to explain how that was weird. I made a rambling mess of myself voicing how it wouldn’t work. I’m a relationship girl, but I don’t want one right now. I’m not ready to give someone pieces of myself. He’s not the type to like responsibility. We’re both not ready to intertwine with someone, right? I found myself telling him what I told [Annie]; we aren’t each other’s “types.” I couldn’t look at him and see him as a potential boyfriend or anything. I need to be friends with someone first to build something, because I don’t want something fleeting when it comes.

We’ve both voiced that what we want is what we have with our best friends—give or take—but with a significant other. He assured me that some things are found in unexpected places. Now, I’m here wondering if I lost my mind.

I see him, and my face lights up. I instantly tell myself I shouldn’t. I love how he adores the way I say his name. I love the way it rolls off my tongue and how he reacts to it. I love that it’s not that he’s different when we’re in a group, but he lets me be. I feel like my own person around him without a need to mold into anything.

I hate that I think about him. I hate that he’s a nice guy. I hate that he’s intelligent. I hate that I want to just see where or if it goes anywhere. I hate that he makes me think he feels something but I simultaneously I doubt it. I hate that he sees good in me the way I see in him. I hate that I’m so fickle and scared. I hate that whenever I feel something I hear my best friend’s words telling me why I shouldn’t. I hate that he crept up on me when I wasn’t looking. This isn’t the right time for me to lose focus. He isn’t good for me. He isn’t right for me. But what is? Am I feeling something stupid? It’s going to pass; it’s just a crush. So why am I so worked up? I hate liking someone and not knowing how to handle it. What am I even expecting?