Love Kinda Sucks But Not Really

Falling for someone is the scariest thing. Some people are scared of spiders, but they don't know the real danger lies in love. Spiders bite and lay eggs in your ear without your permission... But love asks for your permission to tear you apart. It lets your walls fall while bringing in a joy you can’t summarize with measly words. It builds you up and adds a substance you’ve never known just to remind you that you existed without it. It’ll build you up so beautifully before it pulls the rug from under your feet, and you’ll fall down the ancient hole of foolishness.

There's nothing scarier than a kind foe. There's nothing scarier than feeling yourself slip through sheets you used to feel warmth from.

It's a shattering that echoes in the walls of this world, the moment the first foot enters the car. It's in the moment that your feet get in the car before your heart can catch up... That's when it all hits you. That's when it's ended before it even had the opportunity to start. Keys fumbled so carelessly that you can't turn on the ignition fast enough, and you feel your heart scream that he'll stop you, right...? Your sleeve can’t possibly catch all the tears falling from your eyes; what a foolish little heart you have there. Shaking hands and trembling hearts can’t make things right, though. It's no use. Your feet can't accelerate fast enough, and the tears are making the colors blend. Everything starts to look like melting watercolors, but you can't ignore the fireworks his smile still brings. 

Logic wins one over your heart, though. The gas pedal responds to the only thing that can move, and that's your feet; fear has a way of screaming the loudest in times like these.

The road feels like it won't ever end... Then you see his face. This time it isn't you're heart breaking, and that's a sight you won't be able to erase. You can’t help but feel the tingling of his scruff on your neck. You can’t help feel the trail of kisses he left on your head all those times he wrestled with your lion mane. The first kiss flashes through your eyes, and you know you have to shake the memory before you drive off the road.

With every mile you race away, another memory floods your conscious, and you can’t help but press that gas pedal a little more. Suffocating wasn’t supposed to be this way.

Seeing his face drop, as your feet push down on the gas pedal... when your heart is screaming for you to stop, is the moment you see his soul crumble, and you can’t forget that day.

Love isn't easy. I don't even know if I know what love is. Is it a figment of our imagination? Is love just another social construct created to tether us down? 

I don't know. Someone told me what true love was, and it wasn’t an answer I expected. It wasn’t the guarantee I wanted, but it was what I needed. 

I realized that I love him more than anything, and it’s my choice. I just don’t know if I’m his…

I just know that my heart races, nowadays.

At first, it didn't make sense. It was messy and hard. Everyone was telling me to run, but I only ran back to him; I knew something they didn’t about the way his eyes shined so bright. 

We look back, now, wondering when it really started. I can't believe it was from the first day that I made a space for him. It was then, wasn’t it? I just can't let myself give this that power. Has he been driving me insane since then? 

I don’t know, again, I don’t know.

We're driving down the 91, and he sees me panic, suddenly. He's confused as to how I could possibly need reassurance after what's just happened, but he hears my plea for reassurance. He lets me have it, and it doesn’t drive him away. He smiles and holds my hand giving me what I need at that point in time. I can’t help but wonder when this will end and when I’ll have to drive away with watercolors in my eyes, again. That’s the truth, right? Forever is only until it ends… unless we truly don’t want it to end. It only takes one person wanting it to end, though…

Being apart is so hard and nice, because we’re apart… but we’re apart together. The line of communication never ends, and even when it’s silent it’s there. I’m comfortable in silence with him. I don’t feel the need to fill the silence. I know I lived without him, but I don’t want to think about the day I’ll have to leave him.

We probably make sense in only the most insane ways… We went from nothing to something. The beginning was rough, and I cried; there’s no denying that. We didn't make sense; we just didn’t... it was too good. There was too much. I was sure he was playing a game, but I didn't seem to be able to walk away. He was a fuck boy, for lack of better words, right? 

I couldn't change him. I was beyond myself seeing something everyone told me was an act. That's it... That drew me in; the challenge was what pulled me in... It had to be, but I knew it wasn’t that. He wasn’t a challenge. He wasn’t a real fuck boy. He wasn’t anything but what I knew him to be… I knew what people said was with good intentions, but they didn’t know us. There was no way anything could be, though, and I wasn't going to simply be another checkmark on a list. That was supposed to be it.

He made my eyes heavy, and my heart felt like stones pulling me down down down. I was at the bottom of a lake with the stones of events from days past... Reminding me I should run. It wasn’t the end, though. One last call made me realize I was going to wake up and still feel for this person on the other line. I was scared but not of him. I wanted to make sure he was okay, and I knew I was losing it then.

Words filled my ears. Was I going to run, now?

I didn't. I heard it all. I felt it all. I took none of it.

The answer was simple; I'd take out stone by stone and give us a chance. All I had to lose was my heart, and my heart screamed to let him play his cards. If I were going to walk into a dragon’s den, it’d be his. If I were willing to put my heart on someone’s chopping block, it’d be his. 

The pull wasn't something my logic could fight off. My feelings for him are electric. I have my fears, though. Don’t we all?

I’m scared he’ll wake up one day wondering why he wasted his time. I’m scared of losing him. Isn’t that absolutely selfish? I’m scared that I’m not enough. I’m scared but not of him. I’m scared of ruining something so valuable to my heart.

I lost myself in his kisses and touches. Maybe I lost him in between clouded judgment. Everything feels so right with him, but we’re racing against time. The feelings are so strong right now, and it scares me to think about the crash. 

His kisses are fueled with passion and tenderness. He carries his heart tucked tightly under his sleeve; it’s accessible enough but easily hidden. I see him interact with people, and it melts my heart. He looks at them with an individual attention that pulled me in, probably since day one. I fall for his eyes every time. He doesn’t just smile with his mouth; his eyes smile, too. His laugh makes me smile. His silence doesn’t make me uncomfortable. His thoughtful words and questions cause a stir in my train of thoughts. We feel like the right fit, but is that because I want him to be?

Someone very wise told me what I needed to hear.

Love is a choice. Being in love is fleeting. It’s passion and it feels good in the moment, but loving someone is a commitment. It’s work, and it’s a choice you make everyday. Life isn’t built on being in love, but as to the feeling, love begins as a compromise; it’s an understanding. Falling in love is gradual. You know a person, you live your life with them and one day you just sort of wake up and realize this is it. 

There is no guarantee. We weren’t cut from the same tree. We have no sign. I couldn’t even tell you if we were in love in a past life. 

I can say that there’s a spark with this one that’s just the right kind of different. It isn’t easy, and I have my doubts seeping through my fears. I just know I want to be with him. I want to be with him on the shitty days and see them through to the great days, because great days with him make me feel like I can fly.

I want the best for him, but I will always be the best me for myself and then him. I won’t lose myself in him, because that’s not what I want. I want to be by his side supporting each other. I want to grow with this person. I want to choose him daily. I want these things, and I don’t know how I found myself in this position.

I don’t know when I started craving his kisses. I don’t know when red lights started to feel boring, because we weren’t sharing silly pecks. 

I can’t say I know why he would pick me, but I hope he continues to. I hope we don’t become memories to each other. 

Love is gradual… it grows and gets better. It doesn’t get easier, but it gets stronger. It’s a partnership that can shake you to your core, but nothing good comes easy. 

I’m just here feeling foolish. Somehow I’ve allowed him to calm my nerves. He has a way of soothing me, but I’d be lying if I said this isn’t confusing. 

He makes me shake. I let myself lose control with him, and I don’t think all the time. It just feels right. It’s hard to put into words what I’m feeling for this person. He’s this awkward mess at times, but he’s genuine. He has a heart that no one could compare to. He’s brilliant, really. 

Being with him I find myself in a whirlpool of passion and temptation. I’m wrestling my feelings for him and what I should do. I want to do right by him the way he wants to do right by me. We’re blind. We’re going into this completely blind not knowing how this works. I think we forget that it doesn’t have to end as long as it’s what we want. I want to take my time with him, but I also can’t get enough. He knows how to play with my buttons, and it makes me dizzy.

His fears are my fears. I’m so in this, and it’s so new. It’s too early, and I’m wondering if I’ve fucked this up. Has this truly turned into the danger that outweighs the spider, or am I wrong? Because the further I go into this with him I realize that love is hard and scary… It can hurt, but it’s also beautiful. It doesn’t have to be destructive. Every day good or bad is another day with him, and it feels like we’re more than a time stamp…

Love is seasonal; it’s hyper. It has its ups and downs that make you mad, but it’s superficial. Over the course of your lifetime you fall in love a million times. If you’re lucky, it’s with the same person.

I have somebody I’ve been falling with continuously. I have no guarantees. I don’t know what the future holds for us next week, month, year, decade… tonight, even, but I know I want to put us in the picture for time to come.

I just can’t think of another person who I want to be this way with, and it’s scary. There will always be someone better. The limit does not exist. We can all find someone better or worse… but it comes down to the choice. It comes down to whom I choose, and I would choose him time and time again.

I could fill up the room with these things I been thinking about [him].

It's true.

It's as if the moment he took my hand I was ready to hold on and run with him anywhere and everywhere. His voice has become my favorite sound.

Now tell me that isn’t scarier than a spider?