It's bittersweet, you know?
Some things...
I did something and didn't tell a soul other than my sleeping boyfriend who I didn't realize was asleep until he had no response that I realized he was in dreamland lol.
But hey I knew they'd judge me. I knew they'd look down on me and think I was weak...
But I don't think they get that I'm not stupid.
I don't think they understand that my strength lies in what they perceive as weakness...
I wasn't going to go through with it, but I think it was something I deserved...
You know... I think it's evident I was doubting myself and looking into quicksand at a very close proximity hahaha
It comes to no surprise that when I don't take a step back for myself there's great people around me that don't just tug at my sleeves... they help me take that step back for myself with open arms for when I do need them.
Thing is I do stupid things. Some things don't end well. A clean break isn't always how it ends up... and you'd think I'd know better. There's times I feel something else is left and go dipping my toes to find fangs snapping too slow, only scratching me, to ever pull me under... but then there's times I'm glad I did dip my feet into the serene water...
Basically, there's someone who hurt me a lot.
What did I do? I reached out to them.
Wait for it...
I was so anxious trying to wear my big girl pants keeping everything so close to my chest...
I had these swollen eyes and felt walls enclosing me. Someone had just used words that had been used on me before. Was it so simple? Was that all it took? Letting someone in left me vulnerable, but I didn't think this blow would come from that direction...
I wasn't in control of my body, and I felt 16 for a moment.
So was I going to dip my feet into the only other person who had had this same opportunity?
Of course not.
So why was I writing?
An email that was never meant to be sent when it was fully written was indeed sent. I restarted my phone. I shook it like a magic eight ball waiting for the convenient undo button (thanks for nothing Apple jk but really? )... and nothing. Word has an undo button. Why can't my email do the same?
Long story short, she replied today.
The email I sent made it clear I had no resentment. Life can be tough... I understood that being dealt the wrong cards and having no support system sets you up for some shitty situations when you're young... being in a pool of blood basically means you're going to come out stained red.
In my email I explained that I still cared, but I wasn't bending over or reaching my hand over that ledge. While I had no intentions of rekindling the friendship we had let be lost... I hoped she had found her way.
In my moment of broken Laura... I hoped that she was okay. I hoped that the person who had seen this side of me for quite a long time and had eased me was now okay.
I spilled a fear as if I was 17 all over again. I started the email saying that I did in fact miss her, but the memory... because I've never found weakness in honesty. I told her she had hurt me. I have given too many passes to people, and I wasn't going to say it had been okay... none of it was.
It wasn't meant as an attack. I wasn't blaming her, but I made it known that while all of that was a thing... I wasn't her victim.
We stood on an equal platform. I've always said that about anyone.
So yeah...
I would never put her down to this day... but I did make sure I pointed out the difference in our execution of the loss we had had.
We officially stopped being friends a year and a half ago.
Everything after that was smoke breaking away from the flames that had been put out so messily.
Anyways, I gave her a break down of life after her. I explained how I was anxious and gave her a brief... very brief snip of how I was in love... how he's a good one. The fear recent events (none his doing) had put in me.
She would have loved him, btw, because I know at the prime of our friendship... she would have rooted for me all the way down the aisle if I chose for it to be that way...
Truth is she held my hair once upon a time as I threw up and reminded me old habits didn't bind me. She made sure I ate when I was so stubborn... She had her good, like any person does
She gave me a break down of her life, as if we had had no knowledge of anything about each other...
She mentioned bringing me up to our mutual friend... the way Jax froze up. I know this is true. Jax is the type to shut down in those situations. Knowing the situation herself, I know it was her way of keeping us apart... because some things are better left alone.
Closure isn't always needed, but I'm someone who has no problem cutting chords that shock me to a pulp... The email response I received was both sad and beautiful... It was the closure of a lifetime
It was the closure for her and anyone else
It made me remember the friend and even sister I knew in her. She told me how things had indeed fallen apart but how she felt it was karma for what she'd done to me...
That broke my heart, but she was always hearing me say what goes around comes around... I guess it was her way of reminding me about that one
She did something I had forgotten friends were capable of in times of complete vulnerability...
She made me laugh.
"I'm glad you met someone who makes you happy, I'm sure he's not bored of you, you're too crazy to be boring. Know your worth, you're a beautiful woman inside out."
Why did that make me laugh? I don't know. Maybe I was reminded of the teletubbie hair and the rolling down hills like dweebs...
She was supportive about my accomplishments over an email... dare I say proud?
Maybe distance does make the heart grow fonder... I felt the genuine words flow from the screen and into my palm...
She told me she still had all the pictures of us... of me alone. That struck a chord, one that only Jacques would know the weight of... and I felt at peace.
She never apologizes, either.
She's more stubborn than my boyfriend and father combined (and multiplied)... but the fact that she did... and told me I was someone she loved and still does... It blew my mind.
The fact that she sat there writing (something she detests to the core) this beautiful response about how she'd taken me for granted... How irreplaceable I am to this day and WILL be... How all of me and who/what I am doesn't go unnoticed... How I can't ever be forgotten only missed and wanted back...
OMG
Her usage of my full name with words of admiration almost cooled my hot head. I was rooted and glad to close a door to a hall of loopy loopy rooms and receive such an unexpected gift in the process.
I won't lie... I do miss her as I said. She did give me her number in case I need it, but she knows me too well.
And my love for someone in the past won't sway me. She expressed her fear of me rejecting her, and I think it's something we both know is inevitable. I do feel good in the sense that I know she needed this, and if that's the last thing I give her... I'm glad.
Because... the number... it's an extended courtesy I won't touch. I've learned to not reread the same book twice and expect a different story, at that... nor do I WANT to. THAT makes all the difference. Besides, that story just isn't my type, and I'm done reading books. I'm writing them, now.
I told Jacques this... and I mean it, and it might be why I do feel I'm seeing clearer in terms of people surrounding me... But it's that when you find that person (him), you're no longer concerned to entertain the rest.
The matter of the fact is I just don't go back, either. It's always good to turn around and acknowledge it's happened... but it's up to that.
Hey, you can read this and say I'm stupid. That's cool, too...
I just won't change for anyone. This is me.
I have no problem sharing who I am...
I am who I am. NO EXCUSES.
I don't always make the best calls, but I'm glad when I go with my gut versus what others think, because beautiful things come from them.
Essentially you get what you put out, right? Not always... but eventually...
Look...
You may call me stupid and naive... but I think I'm great. Hearing from someone how I made their life better... all the substance I brought to them... even after the fact... I can't explain how good that felt right after my ability of being a friend was just ah
All I want right now is to be with Jacques, and I have no shame in that. In this moment, I want to see his smile and just tell him he has no idea how silly I am and what he's up for with me. I want a box full of pictures with that dork... I want a lie full of memories.
ANYWAYS
It's 1 am, and I'm feeling the effects of a great day featuring Carmen and Jackie plus an email giving me that extra reassurance (from a past friend) that anyone who sees me can't erase me...
Because there's nothing scarier than pouring your soul into someone's hands for them to only pour over and step on.
But yeah
Sleepy
Laura is sleepy
Laura will wish she had slept.
Oops
No regrets, though.
My happy at peace rambles may not be as exciting to you guys, but I do hope you're able to find the joy that I'm projecting.
Now... I go to sleep.
Xx
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