Life is funny... the way things happen sometimes.
It’s like water droplets in the shower. Some of them roll
off effortlessly and others just disperse at contact. You watch them all the
same, though. There’s something so fascinating about them. What makes some stay
in tact and others burst? Is it the water pressure? Is it their size? Is it the
skin?
I don’t know
Then I’m reminded they’re all just water.
I guess that's the point. The things life throws at us are all just water droplets... in a way. Some roll off... Others burst at contact... Then we absorb some
But some burn when they land in our eyes.
~
I’m looking behind my shoulder but not necessarily looking
back—never turning back, right?
It’s sort of like evaluating where I am… that’s what it
feels like.
I’m the person who won’t make an effort to keep anyone who
doesn’t make an effort to be part of my life; that’s who I’ve become.
In just a year I’ve felt so many things shed off my back. If
I really sit down and think about it, I might be caught off guard… I already
am.
~
I’ve become fearless in terms of solitude. Don't let that word scare you. This isn't meant to be sad... it's a testament of just how happy I am, and I didn't ever think about it until today... I mean I can be in an
empty room and feel at peace but feel alone in a room full of people depending on who's there... but I'm not someone who feels alone. I guess you could say being alone isn't something scary or uncomfortable. I’m not someone who seeks anything out of loneliness,
and I wish more people weren’t afraid to spend time with themselves. There's nothing to fear... Being with friends is fun, but it's also nice to have time to yourself and enjoy life for yourself. This is coming from an extrovert hahaha
You can't build yourself around people, basically... You also need to acknowledge that trying to surround yourself with people in order to not be alone will not fill a void... I see so many people do this, and it's something I wish more people would realize isn't the better option
I mean…
Quantity is not quality. That’s a lesson of a lifetime. I’ve
always had quantity. It’s never hard to have quantity, and I feared losing
quantity for a long time. Then I realized that in all other aspects of my life
the quantity factor didn’t scare me.
I didn’t settle, so I wasn’t going to start then…
What I mean by that is that someone else doesn’t measure my
value and self worth… How I see myself isn’t dependent on anyone else. Anything
I want to include in my life is something I want to be ultimately good for me. I
won’t gain something to fill a void. I rather wait out for the right piece
worth my efforts. That’s something I’ve also learned along the way…
It’s hard to verbalize but what I’m trying to say is that
it’s like baking a cake. You don’t start with a cake. The process of learning
to make the right cake for you involves trial and error. Sometimes you don’t
have all of the suggested ingredients, and you find substitutes. That might be
the cake you want at that moment, but is it or is it convenient? Is it… the right
fit? Are you trying to adjust to it? If you know what you want don’t try to
settle for a substitute… You can’t always follow someone else’s recipe, sure…
Beat to your own drum, but don’t adjust your beat unless it’s for you. I mean…
in terms of that cake... Sometimes you don’t need icing on a cake to enjoy it,
but if you like icing don’t go without it. I’m going in a circle. Oh boy…
Does that make sense? No, huh? Whoops
Wellll
Look,
I’ve always had this backpack of sorts slung over my
shoulder where I carry people and things I shouldn’t. They were pulled out of
my heart like shriveled hair strands stuck in a drain—clogging my growth and
judgment—and put into a bag that only weighed my shoulder down. Some things are
just what you know but not necessarily right. It would have been easier to drop
it… the backpack, but you can’t blindly drop a filled bag, either. You can’t,
right? You have to look in it at some point and question if they’re things you
need or just weight you’re accustomed to carrying but don’t need to or want to
carry.
That’s life, though, isn’t it? We carry burdens on our
shoulders… whether they’re people, traumas, fears, expectations, etc. Sometimes
we carry that self-criticism we’ve been taught and do so blindly, because it’s
all we know. We don’t know the other end…
As time passes I’m faced with new faces in the mirror and
slowly recognize the person on the other end more and more.
I don’t feel limited by others’ influences… I’m aware that
I’m the driver in this car.
I’m able to appreciate myself in a greater magnitude, and others
don’t influence that, as I said. That’s a big difference, you see…
The things that scared me yesterday have become the fuel I
so desperately needed to just grow into myself.
I’m quite open, but there are pieces of life I’ve held close
to my chest in the past or been wary to share, at least…. Not because I’m
ashamed. I’m not. It’s just always been easier to turn around and put them
aside. I’ve just reached the point where I am able to face the past and
acknowledge it all as a whole but also pinpoint sections.
A moment in time I can look back to that caused a string of
events was in elementary school.
I developed at quite a young age, you know...
It was strange. Everyone around me still looked 10, but I
had a set of curves that drew fireflies to the flame.
There was a girl named Tory who liked Jared. She had
cavities, and my sister told me all the things that were wrong with her, but
that never made me feel better. I didn’t care that she had told me about the
x-rays plagued with cavities. I was just never a fan of putting someone down.
That didn’t make me feel better about myself…
That didn’t change the fact that she had called me a fat pig
now that I wasn’t as flat as a board anymore.
I carried that. It didn’t help that my mom continued to
point out how fast I developed. It was a burden to everyone. I wasn’t aware
that boys were interested in me physically, and I didn’t care about that, to be
quite frank...
The changes in my body turned the smiles from girls I
believed were my friends into frowns. At a young age that sucked. I was quite
small, though, but everyone else around me kept pointing the fact that certain
parts of my physique weren’t exactly small.
Junior high came along, and I found myself trying to hide
anything I could. There were times I tried to bandage my breasts. I felt so
gross. There were a lot of contributing factors, but I can easily look back and
say that Tory’s words echoed in my head for years. I can assure anybody her
words echoed in a million voices during the lifespan of my eating disorder.
I don’t talk about it much. I don’t talk about my state of
mind during those years. I don’t mention the countless times I sat in that
fifth level waiting to be called in… scratching at the intricate patterns of
the olive green chair with my left index finger.
I don’t talk about the sessions filled with questions that
never helped.
It’s all a part of me, though.
There were sessions with my parents that only served to
burry me in quicksand.
Then there were sessions I didn’t say a word but only stared
out the window.
More sessions were filled with tears, though.
I guess that’s the beauty of time. Eventually you learn to
swim amongst the waves that used to pull you under.
The truth is I had depression; I had anxiety… basically, I
was a child enveloped with mental illness, and I felt like an error frozen in
time. There was no way I could reach these expectations set for me by myself, family, others... regardless of how much I bent. I was drowning and free falling. There was nothing romantic about it.
That’s the thing. So many people romanticize mental illness
and bullying. Everyone wants to talk about the mental illness they have, and it
bothers me that people crave a label… because they can’t possibly crave
displacement.
That’s what these illnesses amongst many others can feel
like…
They suck. I can’t tell you my teen years were terrible in
terms of my social life. I was always well liked and never lacked friends. My
social life was vibrant.
My mental state was a fog… and my bullying experience was
different from what you might imagine. I wasn’t edged out, for example, and
constantly made a fool of. My experiences were very much girl on girl crime and
very strategic. It was something that for many years put me off to having girl
friends. The traumas of those years were deeply rooted in me. I didn’t ever
understand why we couldn’t all support each other. I was never a fan of the
girls who judged each other and tore one another at the seams. It wasn’t until
I grew up a little that I understood that girls are raised this way… to tear
each other down. It was a learned behavior set into action by society itself…
I had been stabbed far too much and been scrutinized by
girls about my image to feel comfortable around them. I had craved smiles from
girls I believed to be my friends, but I only knew the digging of their knives
in my back.
Like many things in life, however, finding friends is no
exception. Everything before what’s right is wrong. That’s the beauty of
finding what’s right.
It’s not until you find those good friends that you
acknowledge that those wrong doings done to you weren’t a representation of a
whole but only a representation of a select few. You see the bad in its full
extent and appreciate the good that much more…
Looking back, I can tell you that those people weren’t all
bad. It’s just we were all young. The things they did were inexcusable, but I
don’t resent them. I’ve moved on, and I’ve come to meet some great girls.
It’s almost like dating, though. I don’t hold a guy
accountable for the mistakes of an ex boyfriend, so I can’t assume all girls
will break my friendship heart.
Sometimes you just gotta take a chance and learn from it
all.
Anyways, the bullying was so common it would almost be
unnoticeable. That’s something that bothers me even more, now, because people
have such a cemented idea of what bullying is. Some people are unaware that
they’re being bullied/verbally abused. They grow so accustomed to it and
believe the cruel words… Bullying doesn’t always have to be physical abuse,
either…
Bullying doesn’t even always have to be someone who’s
“mean.”
People who claim to love you/care about you are often the
ones whose bullying leaves the lasting imprint.
In my case, that was it. It was the things my friends said
along with my family that haunted me. I wasn’t one to be deflated by words of
strangers who didn’t know me. I WAS hurt when people built negative opinions
about me without knowing me, but I wasn’t weighed down by the cruel words from
people who felt a life away from me.
That feels like a different life now... I want you to understand that there WILL come a day where you don't need the validation you may feel you require at this moment.
Now, with mental illness… it was a long process, and I don’t
think anyone is ever recovered. You’re always recovering. Mental illness isn’t
a pastel color palette with savvy and trendy tumblr posts arranged around
gloomy quotes.
Mental illness isn’t chipping a nail and saying you’re so
depressed.
It’s a constant fight against the waves that pull you under
and fill your lungs begging for you to give in. It’s like a constant obstacle
you keep jumping over and can’t quite escape as it continuously follows you
until you face it head on…
It has so many elements specific to each individual, but
it’s definitely a journey you come out of stronger.
I’m not going to sit here and write a detailed post of
everything my journey entailed, but I guess this is my extended hand to anyone
and everyone.
You’ll have bad days, and you’ll even have set backs after
doing so well.
The thing is…. There’s so much waiting for you. Don’t let
yourself grow discouraged.
For me, I was always told I was too smart. I was too smart,
and that would be my downfall a la Virginia Wolfe status, and it made me
cringe. People will look you in the eye and speak believing they understand
your struggle, but they’re only romanticizing you like a teen melodrama.
Don’t fall victim to that. Don’t fall victim to yourself,
because you’re not that.
You’re not a victim, and you’ll get through that tunnel to
the clearing. You really just have to keep going even when it feels like you’re
dragging your feet through drying cement…
You’re not crazy. You’re not damaged goods. The perception
you have of yourself is warped in negativity… so much so that you can’t see how
amazing you are. Give yourself the chance to have that clear vision.
I’m not going to stand here and tell you it all instantly
clicks. It doesn’t. It’s a choice that you make every day like anything else,
but you eventually pause and recognize all of your progress. One day you’ll see
yourself without the bandages of self-doubt you used to hide under and be able to love yourself... as silly as that may sound to you right now... But it will make all the difference.
I’m the biggest I’ve ever been (physically). I’m aware it’s
not even terrible, and I’d be a fool to sit here when I’m not even close to
overweight calling myself names… but a younger me would be clawing at her skin
right now. A younger me would be sitting around the toilet throwing up and starving
for days… A younger me would be so driven by judgment she would forget her
worth and be swallowed by the need to fall into line…
That’s sad.
You see we get one body, one chance. Hurting your body like that doesn’t
last and doesn’t help you in any way. You’re only slowing down your metabolism
and making it harder to maintain a good physique (if that’s something you truly
want). The effects aren’t worth it and the problem isn’t solved.
Hey, I’ll be the first to acknowledge I have insecurities,
still. I do want to loose weight, but it’s different now. It comes from a
healthier place… and it’s for myself.
And look…
The problem isn’t your physique but the lack of love you
hold for yourself which is why you’re struggling. You feel ugly… but it’s
rooted somewhere else.
Physicals change. Fix your core… it’s what you have to live
with even when your physical changes…
I’m not perfect… I can’t tell you I’m always happy with what
I see, but I love myself enough to know that I’m my own toughest critique.
Anything anybody says about me DOESN’T change the fact that
I love myself enough to pursue happiness over anything.
I am the biggest I’ve ever been, and it’s not my preferred
appearance, but I know that doesn’t hold my worth.
Beauty IS in the eye of the beholder. You need to be able to
love yourself, because trends change. You can’t live your life fully when
you’re constantly trying to model yourself after something for others to
admire.
And look...
I have people tell me I have no reason to feel bad and never
did. I’m human. We all bleed red. Whether you see it or not, my feelings are
valid. Look, I have stretch marks. Big whoop. We all do. Everyone has
cellulite. You can choose to laser anything off, but we’re all human here. I’m
not as tall as my mom would like. I have an hourglass figure, which is a trend
right now, but it’s often hard to shop for. Don’t get me wrong… I do love my
body shape. My point is that so many people are clearly driven by societal
standards and forget that the people who are perceived as being able to reach
those standards aren’t able to either. Photoshop, makeup, plastic surgery,
angles, etc, etc… those things are needed to reach the societal standard of
beauty which is ridiculous.
Think about that.
If you want to get injections or anything, by all means… I’m saying you do
you for you, though. You deserve to be happy with yourself. I’m no one to tell you what
your preferences should be. I just think they should be your preferences and
come from a healthy place not a need to conform in order to be accepted and so on…
I’m not here to tell anyone how to live, as I said. I just
want people to understand that regardless of your struggles, you’ll be okay.
You’re all strong enough, whether you recognize that right now or not.
You should be able to look at your life and acknowledge the
good with the bad. Know that your scars make you stronger and never be ashamed
of your journey. Everyone will always have an opinion, but that doesn’t make it
more valid than your own.
The things that feel detrimental right now won’t matter
later
The people who make you feel not good enough won’t be
putting you down anymore
A lot of it is just becoming aware. Take care of yourself.
Remove yourself from the eye of the storm.
Nurture yourself.
Love yourself.
Face your obstacles/fears and stop running with that
backpack full of rocks that have become boulders on your back.
You can’t swim with weights on your ankles.
You can’t fly with snipped wings.
There isn’t a thing you can’t get through, and I truly hope
you all recognize that the only thing you need to do is want it bad enough. You
will do the work needed to get where you want when it’s what you want.
Beware, you will stumble and even fall at times, but you’ll
get back up and come to find that there will be people along the way that will
always extend a selfless hand without a second thought without an ounce of
judgment and all the love.
Xx
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