Beyond Imperfect

But sometimes I feel a little extra imperfect. I'm far too emotional, and I can't quite get a grip. I cry until I'm dehydrated and my tears feel like they've carved creeks into my cheeks. I'm all blotchy and overly unpleasant.

I try to look at the positive to things to a fault until I become wary of it all. Suddenly all I can do is feel hurt and disapproval. All I see is my frustration, and all I feel is defeat.

I blame it on my baby syndrome, but I don't know if that's always the case.

Am I a victim? No.

I do feel attacked, though. I feel like I am attacked for being the baby at times. I'm the easy target, and I adore too much to bite back.

My mind is like a growing tree with branches constantly spreading out at an impossible speed, every branch being a different possibility... a different outcome. Some branches just grow stronger while others snap with the slightest of pressure.

I guess I'm immature for saying that, huh? That I get picked on... but the alternative is believing I deserve it. I'm supposed to have this tension with them, right? It's not that, though. I want to coexist. I want to understand. I don't want a tug of war...

I've seen how it is to give in and to completely take off. I just what the best of the two. Is that such a crime? I don't want to obey, but I don't want to detach.

I understand that there's a lot going on. I understand that. I just don't understand why it has to be the load I carry. I don't want to, and that might be selfish... but I want to do what makes me happy while maintaining that tie...

I want as much of the pie, but it feels like the pie doesn't always want me.

I don't want to hole up and mope about what is already done. It does hurt to feel myself being cut off for not giving in, though. It's not necessarily the cut off that hurts, but the meaning behind it that stings... what it signifies is what makes it painful...

How to make me give in? Pressure. Okay.

That's what it is, right? I'm being pressured to bend at the knees. I'm being cast out in some ways to turn around and beg for reentrance. I'm being axed out to be kept in a small perimeter.

I have a voice in my ear whispering all the things that are wrong, but I can't find myself agreeing with that lack of logic... I'm told to nod. I can nod, but I can't agree.

I can't be told what to think or feel.
I can't compromise who I am or want for anyone's sake...

Somehow the repetition is the blow that knocks me over. It's in the moment that I turn my back and feel the iron on my tongue as the blade plunges and twists from behind.

I'm suffocating.
I'm a burden.
I'm trouble.
I'm immature.
I'm ungrateful.
I'm thoughtless.
I'm inconsiderate.
I'm a bad influence.

The list goes on, and it feels like a whirlpool. I'm being spun and pulled in different directions. I can't find my place in my own mind at this point.

My lips are cracked between the sobs and choking. My eyes burn as if my tears had suddenly become acidic, and it feels like a broken record being sealed into my mind.

Am I suffocating? Am I such a burden? Am I trouble? Am I everything I felt so distant from? Am I the flawed sad creature I'm being told I am, or is it an attempt at taming me in a sad twist of events? Why does it feel like I'm constantly being conditioned to feel like I'm not good enough?

I can't say.

It's in that overwhelming flood of emotion that left feels like right and right feels like a blur.

My cheeks are hot but not from a warm flush of love.

My cheeks are hot in an attempt to stay warm, because everything feels cold. My bones have been covered in a frosty layer, and all I can hear now is the shattering of my teeth.

That's what I have to feel right? Alone. I have to feel alone and cold to throw any logic away. I need to be plagued by the murmurs and emotions of displacement.

I've been down this road. I've seen this road develop in polar opposites. I guess that's my problem. I don't think about solely my options. I don't necessarily think about what will just save me. Is that it? I think so.

If I discarded everyone else's best interest, it'd be easier.

I can't go, because I want to do it right.
I can't obey blindly, because I'd compromise myself.

I can't let anyone play on my emotions to control me.
I can't let my emotions weaken my drive.

I'm being told I should worry.
I should be worried.

There's all these problems on my hands, and I need to deal with them.
I'm expected to be in a puddle of self loathe.

The tears hurt now.
I feel imperfect in a way that burns.

I feel imperfect in the way that I fall short. In the way that my best isn't quite good enough. I feel imperfect in the way that I'm different. I feel imperfect in the way that what they need isn't what I am... that giving in would be easier for them and miserable at best for me. I feel imperfect in the way that I pull someone precious to me into a spiral of this... problems.

I don't feel beautifully imperfect tonight. I feel imperfect in the sense that it's all slightly heavier on my chest.

And I wonder what the right choice is. I wonder when I became the punching bag without legs. I think about what I'm being told I should worry about, but I know that's not the way.

My skin crawls at the thought of how expensive not bending my knees is turning out to be, but I can't say I regret it.

I can't say I'll ever bend my knees.

I can't say I'll be made to believe who I am is disgusting or a disgrace.

A momentary slip...

That's normal. Not being perfect is normal. Everything that is said isn't true, though.

It's just hard to feel the weight push me down. It's just hard to feel the floor beneath my feet give in like sinking sand.

I guess sometimes not giving in means not fighting back.

But my fault lies in wanting acceptance. I want support, and it's something I need to understand doesn't always play a role in my story.

I guess I got used to a different support... with him.
A kind of support I felt at home with and suddenly wished came from home, too...

Anyways, life is never quite easy. It takes adapting...

I just need to remember how to recognize manipulation and not let myself give in.

I need to look at the big picture and recognize the good in everything and everyone. I need to acknowledge the opportunities for growth.. I need I need I need.

I need to do all of these things
I can't lose my sanity
I can't let my emotions overwhelm me
I can't let myself be a liability, because that's how it feels, doesn't it? Sometimes...

I'm imperfect like that. I need to think about what I need to be to keep a family unit together, but all I want is to feel what I feel and be me.

So why don't I?
Why do I tell myself that isn't the right thing?

I don't know.

I blame it all on not being perfect. I'd never want to be perfect. I guess I just wish I'd stop wishing they'd see my imperfection as beauty... substance... anything that was separated from failure.

I'm not illogical. I just don't see the point in freaking out. Worrying about all of these expenses won't do anything. Worrying about everyone else won't make me feel any better. Letting anyone tell me that everything is my fault and on me, though, isn't right.

Being trained to be cold isn't who I am, either.

I might not be what everyone wants of me, but I'm someone I wouldn't trade for anybody...

Sure I'm not the best in many ways, but my shortfalls are opportunities to grow... I can't let anyone bring me down for that.

I'm not an animal that can be beat into obedience, and I won't let anyone turn me into a scapegoat... I'm not driven into paranoia by the flaws others point out in me. I'm quite the opposite in that sense. I face the fear or flaw and turn it into something to smile about... I can't stop now.

I know what I want. I know where I want to be. I know why I'm still here, and I know this isn't where I want to stay... Given the time to chose one over the other... I know my choice. I'm just trying to be better than the ones before me.

That's the thing, though, I don't like to complain about something that can be changed. I don't like putting up with things when I no longer have to. I don't want to leave like that, though.

It feels like I've already left or at least been isolated. I feel like I'm being groomed to become a financial profit more than anything, and that's what will drive me over edge if anything... I don't want to be controlled or held back. I don't want to stump my growth for someone's selfish benefit. That's the seed of frustration, a majority of it at least... I want to grow for myself and for someone I love. I want to grow with them, and I don't want to be held back this way... The more they try to cut me at my roots the more they grow away from them...

I don't play games. I feel myself spinning trying to find my balance, and I find it in a pair of eyes I've come used to waking up to... That's where I'm finding my sanity.

That's where I'm grounding myself. That's where my strength is coming from to make sense of this. My senseless crying seems so foolish when I see him. Sure, some things are frustrating... there's so much going on, but he's there. Somehow that makes all the difference...

He makes all the difference, and I know all I need is patience. No matter the obstacle... no matter the time... I love him, and I know it'll all be worth it. A lifetime with him is worth any tug of war with anyone, honestly...

I mean he loves me as perfectly imperfect as I am, and that means more to me than anything...

Xx