Girls, BYE

So, if you haven't watched the series finale of Girls, you should. You should also probably pause and not read on, because there are spoilers to come.

A lot of people are having trouble "latching" onto the end of it all.

LOL cmon that was KINDA funny!

Let this be a classic! Oh, what are we gonna do without this unfiltered Hannah Banana?

Sooo... before I even watched the finale, I saw this quote. It really made me think about why I love Shosh so much beyond the motor mouth quality...

“We’ve all often referred to her as the moral compass of this show, and I think this season everybody is really trying to falter-step less than they have in previous years. We don’t tie everything up in a bow, but I think you find some satisfaction with all of these girls at least starting on to the proper path they haven’t been on previously.  I think  she is sort of the farthest along on that path, and that is – to me – quite victorious for her. She’s taken some of the bolder steps, but also fallen the hardest in some ways, so I’m excited for everyone to see the growth that she has this season.” – Zosia Mamet, “Shoshanna”

Anyways, lets start with what happened... We all need that moment to summarize the end of the voice of our generation... or a voice of a generation. Isn't that what this show was?

Okay, lets break it down... (especially for those who aren't caught up)

Hannah and Adam try it out again as in they try to get back together... cause Adam stalks Hannah and tries to say he'll raise her baby with her.

Then reality sets in... aka they remember that their history isn't all unicorn fraps.

So what happens? The only other logical thing, apparently. Is it logical, I don't know, but it is ironic. Remember this scene *ahem season 1 ahem with Hannah*

So yeah

Jessa and Adam end up together or SOMETHING...

Elijah gets cast in a musical, and we're all getting feels of what Glee SHOULD have and could have been.

Shosh is engaged to a hottie Asian (me too, girl... I always knew you knew what was up).

Marnie grows up after she finds out her diamond earrings were fake and everything she ever knew was a lie... and ends up masturbating on video cam (don't feel ashamed cause hey you go, girl)... and well Hannah has a baby.

I bet she wishes she had masturbated instead at least at ONE point.

That's right... Remember this surfer DJ dude with a girlfriend? He puts the seed in Hannah Banana.

Hannah legit has a baby and ends up giving up her pants to a spoiled little brat that shows Hannah the light.

Basically, the finale was perfect. It didn't tie up every storyline in a bow how we're all used to a lot of shows doing, but it was what a show like Girls deserved. It needed that unapologetically unfiltered ending that made no sense to so many people, because it wasn't meant to make the viewers happy... it was meant to do the story justice... to give it the most authentic ending it could.

The story started with Marnie and Hannah and was meant to end the same... it was Marnie and Hannah trying to figure it out all over again.

Overall, it felt real. We all had that Shosh moment at some point where we realize that the friends we have had are no longer our friends. The memories aren't changed, but the future just simply doesn't include the people we thought it would.

We all grow. We all change... and we're all just trying to do our best.

Now, we've all identified as one of the girls, but what this finale and season as a whole taught me was that we're all a little like them all. I've never felt myself closer to a group of characters like these girls. I have that naive nature of Marnie and that yearning to make a mark that Hannah has... I have that fighter spirit that's embedded in Jessa's bones and that motor mouth that's a staple of Shosh... All in all I was happy with the way it all played out.

As I was saying the finale was suitable for this show. It really cut us off on that last episode and felt real for that. The second episode to the last was the last time we saw all four girls together with their individual styles clashing just as much as they ever had, but they were screaming their clear unsuitableness for each other...

In real life, when we split ways with people, whether it's on good terms or not... that's it. We're suddenly at a crossroads between the now and future. We no longer see how everyone else's lives progress. We're faced with that challenge that is our lives, and we struggle (as Hannah is no stranger to). Then, we woman up and grow. We keep fighting... we're faced with that half naked girl crying about nothing and realize how we've all been that girl and get that moment to almost talk to that old us (in a new person) in hopes that we can help them.

It's crazy to think that the show that at one point was seen as a feminist awakening has ended. I've gone back and forth between feeling it was an unflinching and even ugly view into the relationships of young women and an intelligent and funny look of girls in their twenties. Sometimes it felt unreal and disconnected, but I guess life feels that way at times, too. Either way, it can't be denied that this show is a voice of a generation that will never be silenced...

Shoshanna will forever be my favorite, though, and I can't possibly end this post without some Shosh moments.

Disillusionment

The beauty of history is that it's everywhere. It's in books, in clothing items, in scars, in the fibers within you.

I think about it, you know... The past. At least I'm thinking about it right now as I go through a drawer full of dresses I could only dream of fitting into now.

That's the thing... We all have demons that we try to drown but just learn to swim alongside...

That's life, though. We beat them for so long and sometimes feel them catch up.

I would be lying if I said that mine haven't crept up, but I'd be damned if I uttered that out loud. The point is to stay strong, right? It's to not let the self doubt and insecurities become louder.

It's to succeed despite the environment you're in.

That's what I learned from Colton, at least. All those years ago. Five years ago, right? Or was it four?

He taught me to see beauty in myself when it was much more evident, but it stuck with me. See most girls like to act like every single ex they've dated is complete shit. I'm the first to say that that isn't true. I've dated some types of guys (lol) who I clearly drifted from, and there were also some great guys.

There were guys like Alex (before Alex)... yeah how confusing, right? I mean I didn't date all of these guys but definitely bonded with them... Anyways, Alex was great in the sense that he was the first guy who I REALLY liked and never dated. We were those little kids who grew up together, but he was always a little older. He was the guy who I'd climb up into tree houses with and would give me his bomber jacket to wear at night. He'd hang up pinatas when I was mad and gave me a stick, telling me to let it out. He was the guy who would hold my waist and make sure I didn't fall off a skateboard. We'd watch weird movies together and overall it was great.

Then there was Alex, the first boyfriend, who would wait for me to get out of volleyball practice and wrote me shitty but great songs with his little band. He'd write me love letters and decorate my locker. We'd dare each other to do silly things and the way things ended didn't make him justice. He made me laugh until my stomach hurt sometimes and knew my favorite snacks. I'd run across the quad and jump into his arms. I was so tiny, and he was a giant beside me.

There was Justin who got the frantic me and brought me back from the frenzy, all the way. He got the me with doc martens and little skirts. He got the me with the little shorts and inappropriate shirts. He got the me who had been far too scarred, but he never took advantage of it. We would hang out with Peter and July and listen to all of our favorite songs. We'd all get on stickam and Peter would serenade us all. Justin would try to play with my hair while I played with July's and always managed to knot it lol. We had the most fun with firecrackers and no one wrote as beautifully about me as he did. He'd draw me and take pictures all the time. I was his muse in so many ways... He taught me how to get down and dirty for a picture lol. He would help me with my spikes. He'd write beautiful songs and struggle to tell me his feelings. Eventually it just wasn't enough... I think he was the closest to the two worlds of being a friend and boyfriend. He was the best mix up until then, and I think it was bound to happen. We started as friends, and we would end the same.

There was Mason who kissed me too soon after a break up. He was a firecracker. He was wild, but he liked me so much, and I couldn't see why. We did a play together. He'd make me laugh all the time, and I remembered how fun it was to like someone without all of the insane drama.

There was Urik who loved me to the end of the universe. He was always just a friend, but I had a strong love for him. It just was never what he wished it was. He would have done anything for me, and he did. He took care of me and made sure I got to go to Disney for a birthday. It didn't matter that my current boyfriend would be there, because he just wanted me to be happy. He was so selfless and made sure everyone was kind to me. He never made me feel bad for failing to reciprocate his feelings. I felt safe around him. He wasn't like the others who would try and grab at me. He genuinely wanted the best for me, and he sure pissed my boyfriend off... There was an ironic difference between the two...

There was Alex B who I'd find a comrade in. There's no words to explain this one other than the best friend I wish I could have had in a girl. I had a strong love for him. I'd draw on his mirror and take his shirts. We'd all play video games and pile into one car ready to take on the world. I had many conversations with him that shaped me. We'd be looking up a the stars or sitting across each other in the jacuzzi, and he'd try to tip toe around the issues he knew I had. I remember him holding my hair while I threw up. There was a fear in his eyes, and he took care of me in a way only a brother knew how. He saw more of the ugly sides of my demons than any of our friends. Somehow he still managed to love me like the sister I felt I was to him.

Second to last, is Colton. He was the first guy I actually saw after high school. Summer of 2012 we went wild. Not really... but I found myself with him. He was a great guy. He was smart. He was all the qualities a mom would want for her daughter. He got me to dance again. We had a great time, while it lasted... It didn't work out, though, and it wasn't on him. We had a great time, and he showed me the stars, but it was short lived... I enjoyed it but knew he wasn't it. The electricity wasn't there.... I didn't know slot theory yet, though, and I wouldn't understand why it wasn't enough UNTIL then.

Before there was Jacques there was Ash.

Ash was the card that everyone was waiting for, right? I think he was the guy people would expect I'd end up with, and he certainly awakened sides of me I'd try to shut down. It wasn't all there, but he did remind me that every demon I had lived with wasn't me. I got to run around streets with him and see the behind it all. There was always an adventure to go on, but sometimes I wanted to just be... and I didn't find myself building anything with him because of that. I learned too much and knew I didn't want this. I got to witness memories become immortalized, and I supported him to no end. There's just times that someone's values don't fully match up... not the ones that should, at least. I do think there was a time I thought I could... that I would. He took me out of my comfort zone... I did share things with him that I haven't so readily shared with others... but I had to have a full disclosure with him... which is why I think I felt like I could. I told him about mistakes I'd made... trusting people. I told him about vulnerabilities. He understood, though, or at least made it seem that way. I was scared to share anything again before him. It taught me that sometimes you have to share things that aren't comfortable to... at least when you want to build something with someone. There's a point where you have to intertwine for things to work...

That's when Jacques popped into the picture... He came later on... and he's someone who I never want to put in a post about the past... I don't have the words that do him justice... I don't have words to do our love justice...

I'll leave THAT at that

So...

The point of this post is what? I don't know. I guess it's about how not every ex or guy you know is a dick. Point blank...

I think we're accounts of gathered experiences... we're pieces of the people we've met, and these guys have definitely taken and given me what has come to help shape me.

There's this misconception with me... that I'm able to say sweet things about anyone even assholes. Maybe that's true to an extent, but I'm not blind. Everyone has good in them, but they also have bad sides. I'm not that foolish. Sure, I have a habit to see the best, but I think we all focus on the bad too easily... Both sides are part of the mix.

My point, I guess, is that it's easy for some of you, who know me, to say that I've never known a good guy for the life of me...

There have been plenty of guys in my life who have been nothing short of great, including my brother and father.

Sure... they don't get the credit they deserve. Everyone is too busy pointing out the guys who wronged me or took something, but I'm here to say that even those guys are good... or will be.

That's the thing, I'm not my mistakes, and they aren't either. We all go through a rollercoaster where we hit our lowest, but that doesn't mean that's who we will remain.

I'm not at my worst, and I hope to never revisit that point in my life. If it happens, though, it won't mean I stay there.

We all grow, we all change.

I went from being a strong confident girl to a torn girl back up and down. I've been friends with people who weren't the best for me, and I've kissed the devil himself. We've all danced with death to some extent, and it's all been part of who we've become. I've felt shame and embarrassment. I've felt guilt and pity.

We're all human... it's all a part of it, right?

I had a conversation that made me uncomfortable for a second last night, and I didn't let my voice show it, but it made me think about this...

You see I've made the mistakes and choices of taking pictures that I sent to someone as well as pictures being taken of me. Long story short, there were consequences.

I found myself sharing this with a guy and sharing how I felt it had stumped my sexuality. It put fear in me, and I remember him making me feel comfortable. I remember choosing to do it. I think that's why I did what I did. I had grown close to this guy. I'd seen sides of him, and he had seen some of me.

He told me to own my sexuality. That's when it happened. I grabbed the lace and changed into it. I didn't think, or I did. I can't say what I was thinking or feeling other than my stomach dropping. One thing led to another. Next thing I know I'm giving this guy a lap dance, and I remember it so clearly.

I remember seeing a camera, and that was the end of that.

So what IS the point of this?

I don't know. I think we all make choices that we feel ashamed of or don't. We make choices or do things that we feel we can't talk about... why? Cause I'm a girl? Cause if I talk about it I'm a slut or whore? I don't know. If I break the illusion that every guy in my life ISN'T a fuck boy then I must be the problem, right?

I don't know. Everything is scarier in the dark, though. Everything is worse before you say it. So yeah... I have work in an hour, and I'm not sure why I'm putting this up other than the fact that I've always been afraid of what people think or say. That's how we're raise to feel, and I've thought about it...

We can't change the past or the choices we've made... and I did think about it. Yeah, my parents might not like to hear these things, but the end result is me now.

I'm not perfect, but I'm pretty great. So I'm here to say that you're pretty great, too. You were shaped by the not so great people and experiences in your life, sure, but you were also shaped by the better people and experiences.

We're all complex recipes, and we could be gross... but I promise you you're delicious. I don't know... (I say that a lot for someone who can't stop talking)

Anyways, life is hard, and it gets harder. You'll forget about how it used to be and get stronger. Sure, sometimes you will have bad days... but you've got this. We've all got this.

That's all I do know...

First

I'll stop being the first to make the efforts and watch you forget my existence.

I'll give you space hoping you'll close the distance easing my despair...

I'll stand at a distance watching my absence remain unaffecting.

You'll no longer crave my presence or care to search for me, placing me in your front view no more...

Everything you said was fleeting, and it'll hit me then.

I'll pull my roots out as you don't realize it. I'll watch you looking straight ahead not seeming to care.

That's when you'll wake up wondering where I went.

I'll be a world away not trying to show you the hole you left.

I won't listen to the begging voice in my head wishing you'd wanted me to stay, because you didn't care from the moment I stood up to walk away...

Here's to 2017

It's no secret that 2016 has been one of the hardest years yet. Truth is, that your 20's are the time in which you change the most... Things are supposed to change.

I can be the first to say that that is true (100% really), but it's also not so much that we change as people, but the lens in which we see life through becomes sharper.

My 21st year of life was the game changer where I found myself really cutting down on who I surrounded myself with. I rebuilt myself and destroyed myself repeatedly trying to figure "life" out.

I've always been that social butterfly, and I'll remain that until I die (I presume)... I just found myself giving all of the right pieces of myself to the wrong people. I started what you could say was a purging of sorts...

If you know me, you know I'm set on my ways for half the battle and sometimes swayed by those I love hoping their intentions are the best. I realized that you could know someone for half your life or entire life... that doesn't mean you truly know them. What someone may call their best intentions may not be the best for you...

This isn't meant to say 2016 was all bad. It was filled with LESSONS, but it was my favorite year yet. I want to just thank everyone in my life who has loved me so dearly and so fiercely... this year especially. I've gained people, lost a few, and reconnected with others. The most important milestone of this year is that I've found my footing. I've learned that there are people who you can love so fiercely until you don't, and there is no harm in that. That doesn't mean you're a bad person... You need to respect yourself and love yourself enough to walk away from what no longer serves you in any way. It doesn't turn love to hate, but it simply means that loving someone isn't enough to make them right for you. I've learned that not everyone is who you think they are or have thought, like I said. I've learned to feel that whole heartedly, mourned those losses, and have let go.

I've learned to value myself in a way that has always been stumped by  those same people who I've believed loved me despite my flaws.... Simply put, I realized this year that I was not the problem. I hope you all look at yourselves and learn to love the bits and pieces people have always made you turn away from. Don't be ashamed in the flower you're becoming. You are blooming. You're no longer a seed. You're no longer a bud. You've been beautiful every step of the way, so don't let anyone make you believe you're anything less.

2016 was the year of growth more than anything. I've heard every bad comment, but I've also heard every good one.

I can tell you that I've changed, but I haven't. There's lessons I'm bound to relive, but I'll be better prepared... I've learned a thing or two. My point, though, is that while change is inevitable, it's important to know the difference between growing up and downright change....

There was a lot of change this year and some said I even became a completely different person.

I really considered that. In some ways I feel that way, but it's more of a sense of freedom that makes me feel that. What I realized is I've become stronger. I'm still that girl that I've been from day one. Some ideas have changed. My way of being hasn't... that could be seen as good or bad.

Take it as you may.

2016 was truly one for the books, though... It was one full of lessons. Anyone close to me understood how anxious I started this year. I was afraid of life in so many ways and afraid of myself in many others. I had allowed myself to be swayed by people telling me I was everything that had been turned into ashes. I truly felt difficult to love. I felt like I needed to put myself together.

The truth is that I found a lot of new beginnings. I found forgiveness for others and myself. I found a passion for myself in a way I only ever knew to put into anyone else and everything else but me.

I've always heard people say, "I'm not easy to love," but 2016 taught me otherwise...

It's never hard to love someone. It shouldn't be hard. Life is hard. Problems are hard, but love isn't. A feeling isn't hard but natural... everything else is another story.

You see... you hit a point in time where you want everything to remain a certain way, and that's when it ALL gets hard. It's like a hurricane turning inside out, but you get through it.

You can't force people to love you "in spite of" change. You can't also torment yourself and allow them to keep you in a time capsule.

Anyways, 2016 marks the year that I grew closer to my family. It's the year I finally figured out my value. It's the year I got an amazing promotion on top of promotion. It's the year I got in a car accident. It's the year I chopped off all my hair. It's the year I gained patience. It's the year I fell in love. It's the year I learned to have fun in my own skin. It's the year I learned the difference between genuine love and convenience. It's the year I learned that some people will fight for you even after they've lost you. It's the year I learned that forgiveness and second chances are valid companions.

2016 was the year I watched so many people fall apart. It's the year I lost another grandparent. It's the year Jacques stood up to be my rock not just a boyfriend. Thank you. Thank you to the people who were good for me at a certain point in life. Thank you to the people who have fought their way back into my tunnel vision ways of life (at times). Thank you to my parents and family, entirely. Thank you to the teachers and coworkers... bosses ho have seen the potential in me. Thank you to everyone who has helped me in any way to get where I want to be and am still going.

I understand this is a ramble of the usual kind... but 2016 has truly been beautiful. It's been full of tears both falling from the sky and eyes. We've had our falls but have gained so so much from it all.

2016 was a blessing in disguise. I learned that I suck at pool and am extremely rusty with my bowling. I learned that my dart game is ok. I just had a magnificent time.

My New Year's Eve wasn't full of partying... it was rather low key. We rang in the new year with pizza, wings, and lovely veggies. We had drinks, did arts and crafts, watched a movie, and we played taboo. We had doughnuts and lovely cake.

It was a completely different type of "ringing in the New Year," but it was just a little bookmark reminding me of the new direction in which this period is taking me. I no longer feel aimless. I'm delighted. I wake up every day with joy in my soul. The demons that haunted me have become neighbors I thank every waking moment... for they have made me stronger.


There isn't a day that goes by where I don't feel so lucky. I'm surrounded by people who love me and whom I love. I'm blessed with adventures... both mundane and exciting. The most exciting adventure, though, is enjoying life in it's quietest and wildest moments alike... So there's that.

In 2016 we leave behind all the toxicity and bring forth new beginnings.

I'm excited to keep going to school (if I had it my way I'd have 7 degrees and go to school forever lol)
I'm excited to continue growing professionally
I'm excited to go to San Fran
I'm excited at the possibility for Puerto Vallarta
I'm excited to finish paying off my car
I'm excited to keep paying bills
I'm excited to be able to be financially independent
I'm excited to watch everyone around me feel this feeling

I'm excited to go anywhere and nowhere
I'm excited to do it all

I think life is as beautiful as you allow it to be.
This has been my favorite holiday season...

I'm so in love with life and everything that has become my life.
I wouldn't trade it for the world, and I can't wait to share 2017 with you all.

Here's to more travels and falling down dirt hills during hikes. Here's to it all.


Here's to the containers of salsa that we will share and to the jukebox not the golden tee (for next time). lol


Xx

A Piece of Me to You

"And then there's light. It just takes time"

Everyone talks about how depression holds them back. It's a cloud of darkness, and we all shine our magnifying glasses to try to dissect it all

It's not a lie, though, that it's difficult. Depression is no joke, but there's always a good side to anything.

I'm the first to tell you that I'm what some people might call damaged goods, because I've had some problems. I can't ever say they're in the past however accurate that feels. They're pieces of me, and I'm willing to share them.

I guess you could say that it's hard to do that. It almost feels like I'm tainting the now, right? That's not the case, though...

Let me start by sharing what these illnesses are.

I was a teenager, and I felt that way for about half a decade...

The list is as follows:

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Schizophrenia
• PTSD
• Bulimia
• Anorexia
• Body Dysmorphia
• Insomnia
• OCD

I can keep going. I want you to understand that it isn't my fault. It isn't your fault if you have any of it, either.

I took this course once that told me how a difficult pregnancy often led to the child suffering of most of those problems... some of the often also overlap with each other. I know my mom had an awfully difficult pregnancy with me, and that's always where it's thrown to... but hey this is life. It could be it or not. The case stands as sometimes we're dealt shitty cards. We just have to do the best we can with them.

Anyways, that isn't the point of this. The point of this isn't to get pity either. I'm not brain dead, so until then... save that pity party. The point is simple... In spite of anything I've been diagnosed with, I'm stronger than ever. 

That's the thing. The journey itself was hard and is always ongoing, but no matter how hard it feels... the end is there. The end of the tunnel with the light is there. You have to make the hole. You have to break through that wall. You have to walk through that light. You have to want it. Then you have to go through with it.

You could get to know me inside out and have no clue that those were draining problems that plagued me at one point.

The thing is they did drain me... There were days I wanted to just die. I'd sit in a corner feeling the weight of it all like my clothes were soaked in water with a suffocating weight on my body. Nights were my sanctuary that fell into the routine of music.

I guess it all tied in recently, you see. I found a recording that wasn't meant for my ears. I found it beautiful, but it came from a time I didn't know. It came from a darkness I didn't see. At the moment I was too interested in the content to really understand or see it.

It wasn't until I stood at a gas station pumping gas that I seemed to connect the dots.

My problems aren't the demons I've drowned. They're the demons I've embraced that can no longer control me. I'm better for overcoming it all, and they help me understand others who suffer under their claws. The thing to understand is that I am not damaged goods, and you aren't either. We've lived in a way that adventures don't measure up to. We've evolved in a way that a pile of years still can't compare. It's an ongoing journey, and that is what keeps you sympathetic.

THAT was the click. There are things that are sacred to me. There are things that got me through a lot which would never touch my fingertips again, no less be shared. Then who am I to forget that? Who am I to deny someone else that safety?

No one.
I'm no one to do that. That's where my guilt kicks in. I didn't understand. I know words weren't spoken in that moment about the importance of it, but I want to believe I knew better. I guess I do blame myself for it and not the other party. That's the truth, because I should have known better.

I'm an open book to an extent. I'm not an open book in the scribbles of melodies or in the walls of a recording studio, though. Music has always been that safety blanket, and it helped me get out of a dark hole. There are parts of it that I've continuously revisited throughout my life in those dark times that I felt alone.

I haven't shared this with anyone, but I feel it's only fair to rip a piece of my flesh for what I've done.

Last summer I got really sick regarding my voice, and that had to be the hardest time. Not only was I going through the process of my grandpa dying, but I was losing my voice. I'm that person who refuses to go to doctors, by the way. I'll go if I'm forced to by my body, but I tend to just go through the motions.

This was different. I went to the doctor and nothing helped. Nothing... I remember looking at the city lights with Bryant and crying last December. That was it. I told him I couldn't sing. I didn't want to be part of the band, because the more I tried to sing the less I could talk. I'm terrified of coughs now. It feels like I have a fire in me. I can't hit those notes. I can't. I guess that's why I was taken aback by that recording. It took me back to the little light in a dark hole that I knew I won't get back. It's not defeating, but it's bittersweet.

Bryant told me I'd be fine last year. He said I could still sing. We'd figure it out and reteach me if we needed to. I don't think anyone understood, though, and I didn't try to explain. Sure, I could learn a different way, but no one understood it literally hurt. It hurt to talk. It hurt to breathe. The less I sang, the better it felt.

It felt like trickery. I was being told I couldn't do the one thing that had always brought me comfort.

The one thing that felt like that life vest was being ripped off my body.
Dramatic. I know.

I think I accepted it, too quickly, even if it felt like my voice was being stolen.

It didn't feel like giving up, either. It was a hobby, I loved it, but it held too much baggage. I wanted a fresh start. I still found my voice in lyrics. I guess I'm just talking about it now, though.

I had told Bryant it stayed between us. He wouldn't tell Ty or Andy. He wouldn't tell Jessica or anyone. Anyone.

Besides, we were all slowly going our own ways.

So back to this turbulent post.

I think at a younger age things felt like life and death. I look back and see that those things weren't big deals. I look at now and know that my big deals will one day be little ones. That's life.

I also recognize I'm alright. Things get shaken up, and you sometimes revisit a little bit of something left behind, but as long as you don't stay there... you're fine.

We're all human.
We all hurt.
We all bleed red.

And guess what? None of us are perfect. We have demons. We have pasts.

I think my big fear is when life comes, will we push those we love away?

I know I won't. I might see the motions, but I'll pull at the end of the day. I never want to be pushed away like this, especially when I recognize the process.

I'm sure some of you expected me to tell you what everything is like, and maybe I will at some point, but that isn't today.

It's just hard. You're a rat. You sit in rooms full of adults with forms of PhD's trying to figure you out like a puzzle. You're no longer the person but a number. It gets dark. You decide what you show, though. You decide when you want it to be over.

I will say this, medication is a chemical fix, but the overall fix lies within yourself.

People become accustomed to the pattern of being in the funk. They temporarily rise to only give in at the first sign of trouble. You learn to get stronger. You learn that this is something only you can do for yourself. It's crazy, but you get through it.

You just sit there and remember death is not the answer. A permanent fix to a temporary problem is not the solution.

When you try to kill yourself, you regret it. You regret it when you feel the air being sucked out of your lungs. It all looks like fire and your mind jumps from memory to memory. You want to stop and then it's all dark.

Every hole you fall into during the process makes you stronger. Every outlet you lose reminds you that it's okay, because you have yourself. You are your worst enemy and greatest ally.

I can keep going, but I just want to say that I get you. There's plenty of people that get you. Everything will be better. You'll get through it however big the load, and you'll feel human, too.

You won't be in this fog forever.

Anyways, if you haven't heard it yet, I love you. One day you'll love yourself, too. It's okay that you are how you are as a result of what you've been through, but it won't be forever. You are good. YOU ARE GOOD.

Xx

Maintaining A Voice

Being a couple doesn't mean you mold into one jumbo human.

Even if you're a couple, you are still two separate people.

This post isn't meant to rip apart relationships, though. I mean I'm in one. I guess I've just learned a few things lately. It's not anything new, but it's been applied...

It's easy to give your all to someone you love, you know. I mean it isn't always easy, but it comes naturally. What I'm saying is that sometimes we find ourselves spiraling in a string of actions that feel strange to us... We give someone something we may not have known we could or were willing to... but it happens. What now? 

Stay calm. It's not the red flag to your relationship unless it is.

Don't worry... in this case it's a happy ending. 

So suddenly you're exposing yourself--your darkness--to someone in a way that's painful but somehow easy... You give someone more than you ever were willing to, and that's okay. You do that out of love, but the important part is to look at yourself during that process.

Look at yourself and question if you've lost your voice or if this is a transitional point in life where you share this and give this much to this person out of love...

I can sit here and tell you that it's been rocky lately. I've been tested in ways that I didn't think I would be, but I've come out of it all stronger.

At one point I sat in my rental and cried. I cried about everything. I cried about an event not knowing then I was crying about my situation. I felt myself get rocked, and I questioned it all. I recently also saw someone dear get rocked and question a lot as well...

Anyways, I questioned my voice. I'm glad to say that I can look at my relationship and know that I have a voice. I can get scared, but I'm not silenced. He's always willing to listen and, more importantly, attack the problem with the right solution.

That's important, because I know I can communicate with my significant other. I haven't given up who I am to please this person. I've grown with them, and I think a lot of people confuse the two.

I look at it and feel lifted... I can't wrap my head around the fact that I've built little routines with someone, either. 

Not in this way that unless you're a part of you might not understand the peace coming from the act itself.

Anyone could look at it as ridiculous. You talk on the phone not accomplishing anything? 

That's not the case. It's a nice routine. Our relationship has incorparated itself into a day from sunrise to sundown and everything else. He does his thing walking around all cutely, because he doesn't want to make noise at home. I tend to split my attention and soak in the comfort of hearing his voice, about his day, telling him how this and that happened. His excitement with his work day is always welcomed.

You text that much?

I can't imagine not wanting to communicate with him. The past few days we've been shorter with each other, and it's made me appreciate his little messages more. I smile at his updates. My heart swells at his love infused texts. I know he can't always be at my beckoning, and we acknowledge the honeymoon phase ending, but it hasn't taken the love with it. I still send him rambly texts, and he still loves them.

You keep his voicemails?

They're stories. I don't keep them all, but the ones that show me something have stuck around. It's the messages with the almost palpable desperation to communicate with me on some level that make me dizzy in a sweet way. It's the way I hear his frustration... I can tell you what happened that day. I hear the way we've grown separately and together in his messages.

I can go on... but the point is that despite of how ridiculously in love you may all see me act... there's a voice there. I'm still Laura. He's someone who scares me in the same way that he can ease me, but I know he wouldn't abuse it. He wouldn't abuse how rocking this love is and the lengths I would go for him. He wouldn't abuse the voice he has and I listen to just as I wouldn't abuse my voice or how he listens to me.

I'm able to let him open doors within me that I've held shut for years. 

Basically, he's in this process of turning me inside out. He's seen the ugly inside and the process of it...

Even then... we're a couple. He loves me with him and on my own. He's not clipping my wings or transforming me into someone unknown. That's important. I'm comfortable and HAPPY with him, and I don't feel silenced or ignored. Sometimes I say too much and probably pain him, but I don't ever feel the need to lighten the load. Is that bad? Not if you know what I mean. I'm honest with him and tell him what he needs to hear even if it isn't what he wants to hear. I think of his well being before his want to hear me. 

I don't find myself adjusting my words or truth... He's not someone I feel I have to be different for to be loved by... if THAT makes sense.

My words aren't meant to cut him, but they are meant for him and his wellbeing. 

I love him in an unconditional way. It's a forgiving love. It's patient. It's timeless. It's growing. It's flexible. 

It's afraid, sometimes, and even jumps to conclusions but takes the risk to communicate and ease the wrinkles along the way.

It's domestic in the way that I find peace just laying beside him... His presence alone is enough. 

Having met him has changed my life, and I don't want him to ever forget it...

But I would never lose my identity to him, and that's important for anyone. 

The person you love should not take your identity away

You shouldn't try to take someone's identity

It's that simple...

You're probably wondering how any of this correlates with having a voice or anything really. It does, though. I promise.

Being in a relationship requires compromise, and sometimes one party compromises more... it happens. There will be times that happens, and it needs to be done for the right reasons. You're the judge of that bit, though...

That's why you need to have a voice. You can't melt into one. It's good to be an unbreakable force, but you need your individuality. A person has two separate legs that work together. They don't mold into one... They stay two separate legs but become a great pair. lol

You need to come out and communicate to maintain a relationship. I've always been a strong believer that in order to fully be in a healthy relationship, you need to fully embrace yourself first.

Maintaining a voice is maintaining individuality. You can't be an individual if you haven't allowed yourself that pleasure. 

My advice is to enjoy single life. There's no rush to fall in love or have someone. What for? They won't add to your value. A MAN/WOMAN does NOT... I repeat does NOT give you value. YOU are valuable. YOU matter. YOU on your OWN are already important.

Don't look to life as lacking when you're on your own. Enjoy yourself. Embrace yourself. Never look to yourself as requiring a faceless individual to be whole.

You will meet someone and it could be amazing, but it will fall apart if you can't be yourself. Being in a relationship is level 2 of being single--single life is level 1. You learn things in level 1 that are required for level 2.

In other words, being single will give you a voice and teach you what you'll need to know to maintain it.

Don't sacrifice who you are for anyone. Growth in a relationship is very different from sacrificing yourself. Know the difference.

Loving someone is never wanting to silence them.

Xx

Static

Noise... it sounds like static.

It's all engulfing me, and I crave silence...

It feels like I'm trying to water a flower that's closer to ashes than anything. It's only been hours, and I'm already at a corner with red hands turning my throat purple.

My heart feels wounded, and I see why I stay at arms length. Words cut me in ways stitches can't repair. There's things I wish weren't ever said... things I had no intention to hear from those lips.

I guess I recognized I was too sensitive for my own good, and I'd rather be in bliss than feel the crumbling under my feet.

I can't unhear words, and I can't quite keep the tears from burning layers of my willingness.